I could feel the cold wet grass falling into the mud as I sprinted across the field. The morning dew was all that I could smell as I fled the scene. Remembering the promise that I made to my uncle’s killer when I was but a lad. I could still feel the shiver down my spine as I held his cold hand. He was all I had left, and he was taken away from me, and for what? Because he would not submit to being a prisoner in his own home. My how our world is changing. The Hibernian Guard used to be renowned for their fair treatment and now look at them, nothing more than a well-organized gang of thugs. Well this will not be permitted to continue.1
As I continued my sprint through the Cursed Forest I could now hear them. They were laughing and partying just beyond the cold damp forest. I could smell the scent of the alcohol they were drinking, it was harsh and strong. I could tell that it would not be much longer before I was upon them so I began to prepare my bow. Gently stroking the unicorn hair with resin I could feel my bow stiffen. Walking slowly closer and closer to the small grouping of huts I could feel my heartbeat start to slow. Everything around me was starting to slow down. Then I saw him, the captain of the guard, stumbling from his hut, at his hip, still sheathed, was his weapon of pain. I could smell my uncle’s blood still fresh on his blade. Just then my reflexes kicked in and I drew an arrow to my bow, hesitating for a moment I realized now that my life was about to end. Oh how I will miss my homeland, my place of birth, and soon, my last rites will be read and this will become my final resting place.2
Away it went, hardly making a sound as it passes through the early morning air. I could still see the arrow the entire time it was making it’s flight. Everything still seemed so slow, and then it struck. With a loud groan the captain hit the ground as the arrow plunged deep into his head. The fanfare, once celebrating the captain’s triumph over an elderly man, quickly turned into an angry mob. No matter how fast one runs he can never seem to escape an angry mob, does that not seem wrong to you? In any event even this trained ranger could not run forever. I ran back into the forest and hid for a spell, the heard of angry patrons finally had started to thin out, just as I looked around the tree for my escape route they spotted me. There were about five of them and my only advantages were my speed and wits. Well this is it, or so it seems, I might be good with a bow but when it comes to weapon skill I am a far cry from a blade master. I unsheathed my weapons, and all of us took a moment to admire their beauty. Two of the greatest artifacts our lands had to offer, The Spear of Kings, and the Crocodile Tooth Dagger. Even as mighty as I was, I knew that it was all over. It all became a blur after that. I remember holding my own at first, and even dispatching two of the guards, but then the other three swarmed. Everything happened so fast I was not sure what to do. All I remember is they screamed my name as I killed them, Tomcat, Tomcat! 3
Oh I survived, not sure how though, I guess maybe this is where the story should end, you know I avenged my uncle and get the beautiful women. However those stories are fiction, I was banished. Never allowed to return to my homeland I was forced to live in the frontiers, hated by my own people, and by the other realms, everyday is a constant struggle to survive. As the sun sets I hope maybe someday someone will hear this story and avenge me, but then that would be fiction too, wouldn’t it?4
Author notes
Written in 10 minutes tell me what you think please :-)
-Driver X-
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hey Guys,
Thanks for you comments I will take them to heart for future works. I hope that you all enjoyed it, and yes it was really written in 10 minutes, at the request of my mom to enter her contest. Hehe, writing is not really my thing, I am a mechanic and love what I do. I just like to come here for some fun once in a while. Thanks for all the support.
-Driver X -
I think you did a good job here and the advice offered above would certainly be good advice to follow. I like the way you delivered something completely different here and for a story that was written from the top of your head in ten minutes time... this is damn good. I also agree that you have talent here and should proceed to fine tone that talent. Good luc in future endeavors.
♥ Touchof1der -
I liked the story.
To me to write all this in ten minutes is pretty good and well I have published a novel and it took almost a year to edit it before it was ready. I think Rae has some really good points. I could follow the story rather well. Nice to see some truly interesting stories here. I must say that you do have a great deal of talent. -
Hi Driver ... I endorse all that Rae has said, and as you wrote this in ten minutes, I hope you are going to treat it as a draft. There are many good points to this story and it could become a compelling read. I seriously hope that you do a revision. I am sure that the end result will be excellent.
Welcome to Storywriters Unite.
Don't be discouraged. You do have the talent.
Take care,
Sammy -
For something written in 10 minutes, this is really great. I enjoyed reading it, the imagery was awesome. Eh, I'm not so sure what this has to do with Eragon and the Elder, nor have I even read it, but this is good either way. You make me want to write like this someday. Great work, keep writing!
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The first and second paragraph could use a bit of polishing somewhat so might I suggest this:
I could feel the cold wet grass falling into the mud as I sprinted across the field. The morning dew was all that I could smell as I fled the scene and remembering the promise that I made to my uncle’s killer when I was but a lad. However, I'd still felt the shiver down my spine as I held his cold hand(he was all I had left)but now that was taken away from me...and for what? Because he would not submit to being a prisoner in his own home. My how our world is changing. The Hibernian Guard used to be renowned for their fair treatment -now look at them; nothing more than a well-organized gang of thugs. Well this will not be permitted to continue.
As I continued my sprint through the Cursed Forest, I could now hear them. They were laughing and partying just beyond the cold damp forest; could smell the scent of the alcohol they were drinking, for it was harsh and strong. Moreover, I could tell that it wouldn't be much longer before I was upon them so I began to prepare my bow. Gently stroking the unicorn hair with resin, I could feel my bow stiffen, yet still, walking slowly closer and closer to the small grouping of huts, I could feel my heartbeat starting to slow. Everything around me was starting to slow down. Then I saw him, the captain of the guard, stumbling from his hut, but at his hip, still sheathed, was his weapon of pain. The smell my uncle’s blood still fresh on his blade. Just then my reflexes kicked in and drew an arrow to my bow; hesitated for a moment, I realized now that my life was about to end. Oh how I'll miss my homeland, my place of birth, and soon, my last rites will be read and this will become my final resting place.
*Honestly, the whole problem was that you kept saying I could so much that my mind was really starting to get bored and gave the impression that well my brain should do something else. Keep in mind that whenever you're writing a story, that you, as the writer, need to change up on certain words and/or phrases. Moreover forever keep in the back of your mind that by using contractions from time to time will also hold the story up as well not to mention using AND knowing when to use the right punctuation too*
Smooches and had fen reading the story
Rae -
I have never read Eragon and the Elder. Most of my inspiration for these types of stories comes from an MMORPG that I play called Dark Age of Camelot. If you really did like this story I have another one similar called The Battle for the Realm, you might like it. Thanks for your comment and I appriciate your input!
-Driver X-
"Scientists say that as your body travels faster and more g-forces are applied you begin to suffer from a form of tunnel vision. Funny thing is, no matter how fast I go things just become clearer." -
I think this is an excellent story... I have read Eragon and The Elder, don't know if you have, but it brings those books to my mind. You have begun developing what could possible be a book if you wanted..The character is interesting.. his thoughts are good to read. You have an excellent imagination...
The only construction issue that sprang out to me was shifting from one verb tense to another when no need was evident.
Otherwise I will just close with ... good write.. enjoyable reading... I hope to see more of it... perhaps an avenger is on the way? -Pome
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