Life Is Sweet

LIFE IS SWEET1

Thursday 18th March 20042

Huddled in the chilly dining room, trying to block out the blazing row that had erupted in the next room, I blinked my eyes furiously, stared at the computer screen and swallowed hard. Their aggressive voices bulldozed through the wall like a fire-breathing dragon and emerged the other size just as loud, the flames of the words licking me, burning me. I held my breath and felt my chest tighten into a really tricky, un-doable knot, which just wouldn'�t loosen. I then counted to ten, hoping the voices would somehow quieten but it was all in vain and I just felt my mouth become even dryer and my hands become even shakier. I had to stop it. Somehow, I had to.3

�STOP IT!� I screamed, hurrying through the door. �Just stop it now! Please. You�re doing my head in.�4

Mum stared at me in shock before snapping at me nastily like a terrier. �Erm, Julie. Please keep out of this.�5

�But you�re always doing it. Why do you do it?�6

�Look! If you don�t bloody like it, get to your room!�7

�But why?� I said, annoyed. �Why?�8

�BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO! NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY!� The redness of her face increased and I felt so scared. I just ran upstairs and into the bathroom.9

�AND DON�T SLAM THE DOOR!�10

�LEAVE ME ALONE!� I yelled downstairs. �JUST SHUT UP MUM!�11

I heard angry footsteps grow louder and louder as they stormed upstairs. 12

�Julie, come out of here right now!� I heard Mum call from outside. �Right now!�13

�No.�14

�Julie��15

�No. Leave me alone,� I sobbed. �Just leave me alone.�16

�Julie, if you don�t come out of there right now, you�re going to be in one hell of a lot of trouble.�17

�I don�t care. Go away!�18

�Fine,� my Mum said dully. �Fine.� I heard her walk off. 19

I sat there night to the door, in pitch-blackness. I usually feel safer in darkness. I don�t know why. I knew I was going to have to get a shower soon but I didn'�t turn on the light. I just sat there for at least twenty minutes with the light turned off, just sat there, listening to the huge argument that was still raging at full force. My brother started it. He hadn'�t done his stinking homework as usual but my Mum was bullying him, making it awkward. Yeah, he had done wrong but I thought she was meant to be the parent, not him. Why is she so intimidating, forcing non-existent answers out of him? Why?20

I had an idea. I had done it before and it had sort of helped, even if it wasn'�t in the way I thought it would. Slowly, I stood up and turned on the light. I squinted as the yellow brightness stung my eyes. I walked quickly over to the window-still and grabbed my Mum work-scissors. I had to do it. I held it over my hand for a second, then brought it down and quickly scraped it against my skin. I watched it redden. I didn'�t dare make it bleed but somehow it felt better. I did it again up my arm and smiled as I felt the pain rip through me. It felt good but in a strange way. I did it again and again up my arm for a few seconds and then the happiness slowly seeped away. Life has a cruel way of lifting you up and throwing you down again. It was just forty-eight hours ago I was feeling happy, on top of the world because I felt things were on the way to getting better. How could I be so nai�ve? I�'ve never felt happy for more than a couple of days at once before so why should it happen now? I should have known. I�m too stupid. Life is sweet� so sweet it makes you want to throw up. It�s sour and evil and cold and no one really cares how you�re feeling. Not really. They�re far to busy in their own happy, friendly lives to realise what�s happening to you. Yeah they show you sympathy and all that but they don�t really know what is happening. How could they? Life is just so perfect for them.21

It�s people like us who have to suffer. No one knows how we feel inside. No one - sometimes we don�t even know how we feel ourselves so how can others think they �know how we�re feeling� because they just don�t. It makes me so frustrated. I just want to slap anyone who says with a sick, patronising smile on his or her face, �Oh, I know how you feel!� or �It happens to all of us.� Happens to all of us? Oh shut up. What would you know? You wouldn'�t know unhappiness if it danced naked in front of you singing the national anthem. You think unhappiness is when you leave your bag on the bus or when the dog digs up the garden.22

I threw the scissors down in the corner and looked at my hand. It was red and swollen and sore. I knew I would have to keep my sleeves over it tomorrow. I go and check the time. It�s twenty five past nine. I go and put the showers on and let the water fall over me. It feels good. I grab the shower-gel but it�s gooey and smells like fake-cherry. In the end I just stand there, occasionally glancing at the shampoo bottle. I wash my hair and then get out, dry myself and put on my pyjamas. Someone once suggested going on this site where you can talk to people in confidence over a web-shat. I decide to try it. I chat to this woman for twenty minutes about what�s happened but the connection is so slow. Then Mum comes in the room so I quickly close it. I don�t want her to see.23

�Julie,� she said with pale lips. �Get in the living room.�24

�Why?25

�Just do it,� she says, her eyes narrowing and her lips thinning. 26

I follow her into the living room. Now what? We sit down. Mum is trying her hardest to be civil to me, but it looks forced. I know she wants to slap me or just scream and shout and me or just cause another row. She seems to like it. Why does she do it? I think she likes causing a scene.27

�Josie,� she said. �Don�t you ever, ever, ever lock yourself in the bathroom again. Ever.�28

�And why not?� I say innocently.29

�Because you�re taking up space which someone might need. That�s why.� She doesn�t even bother to think what I might have been doing in there. 30

�So? I was in the shower.�31

�Not a first you weren�t. The water wasn�t running.�32

�And?�33

Dad butted in. �JULIE, IF YOU EVER LOCK YOURSELF IN THAT BLOODY BATHROOM AGAIN, I�LL SMASH THE DOOR DOWN!�34

Then Mum shrieked, �AND EVEN IF DAD�S NOT HERE, I WILL TOO!�35

I was scared. 36

To be continued... 37

Monday 21st March 200438

Mum told me to go to bed then. It was a relief to get away from her but still� I never got to finish talking to that woman online, did I? I traipsed upstairs anyway but I didn�t go all the way to my room. I sat just around the corner, near the bathroom, so I could still hear what was going on downstairs.39

�He needs to learn,� Mum whined. I knew she was scowling, red in the face. �He really does. For Gods sake� he�s got his SAT�s coming up!� Her voice was now high-pitched as though she�d been on the Helium.40

I caught snatches of muffled, frantic conversation. �So? He�s been working hard in class� anyway, why should I have to help him all the time� he never listens to me anyway� you know, I really don�t see that point��41

�WELL I DO! He�s staying in� and revising! He�s grounded.� A pair of footsteps clattered upstairs. I stood up and quickly hurried to my room but Mum knew what I was doing.42

�JULIE!� she rumbled. �Have you been listening?�43

�No,� I lied from my room.44

�Yes you have. Don�t you dare lie.�45

�I wasn�t!�46

�Yes you were. Why were you down here if you weren�t listening then?�47

�Getting something.�48

�Oh stop making excuses� go on, get up to your room. And hurry up!�49

�What have I done? Will you please stop shouting at me like that?�50

�Get to bed.�51

I sighed, quietly shut the door to my room and, without turning on the lights, climbed into bed. It was only quarter past ten. I�m usually not in bed until gone midnight. I have OCD, which means I have to do all these stupid rituals. I don�t even have that many to do but I�m usually so tired that even putting away my bag takes five minutes. If my Mum knew though, she�d murder me on the spot. I�m not bothered. Perhaps she�d be doing me a favour. Life would be as easy as pie then� I wouldn�t have one! Great! Life isn�t anything but trouble anyway.52

I lay there in bed for about half an hour, hoping I�ll fall asleep. Mum was still messing about upstairs. I stumbled across my room and opened the door before walking downstairs to the bathroom.53

�Julie! What are you doing now? Get to bed!�54

�I need to brush my teeth.� 55

�Hurry up� you should be in bed.�56

�Yeah? I�ve been doing my stupid rituals.�57

�Julie, you should be dropping one each night.�58

�DON�T YOU THINK I�M NOT TRYING?� I yelled angrily. My temper had suddenly flared up.59

�Well, it doesn�t seem like that to me,� Mum growled.60

I cursed her evilly under my breath, shut the bathroom door loudly and made sure I was noisy as I locked the door as she huffed to herself in the bedroom. As I brushed my teeth, I looked in the mirror and saw myself - pale and glassy-eyed with limp brown hair draped around my shoulders. I hated the sight of myself. 61

�Mum?� I said as I stepped out of the bathroom when I had finished. �Mum?�62

�What?� was the irritated-sounding reply from the bedroom I received. 63

I walked into the room and tried to give her a hug. She hugged me back briefly but it seemed forced and then she bustled back downstairs. I heard more arguing. More and more. Why won�t they just shut up? I thought to myself? Why? Why? Why?64

I heard her crashing down the stairs in a heated, stumbling rage. She must hate me.65

Well, it was right then that it happened. I just felt like dying. I truly did. I truly do now actually, as I type this. How could I do it? Images flashed through my mind. Knives? No. I might stain the floor. Tablets? Maybe� but no. You might end up yellow if you don�t take enough. I do want to die properly, you know. Ahhhhh. I know. I�ll get a fork, wet it and shove it in a plug socket. Yes! Painful. That would probably be a thrill even if it would be painful. Good stuff. 66

I enjoyed typing that.67

I bet you think I�m a right weirdo now. Planning my own death? What a freak, I bet you�re thinking. I don�t blame you and I�m not actually that bothered. I am a freak actually. Freak. I like that word. It sounds good. Freeeeeeeeeeeak. Fer-reek. Freaky. You freak. I�m such a freak. Yep. That word is defiantly good. Freak freak freak. Hey, you! Yes you - the one reading this! You know what? One day, freaks will rule the world. We really will. We�ll be our own little species and we�ll take over planet earth and go and brutally kill all normal people. No, wait. The nice normal people can stay. Just the snobby conceited bullies can be blasted to shreds. Sounds like good fun. Actually, I�m glad I�m a freak. We�re special and we can go and make all those bullies� lives a total misery. Do you want to join us? Go on. I�m sure there�s some ferret out there that you want to make suffer. GO FREAKS!68

And if you don�t think I�m a weirdo now then� well, I don�t know what. But I know I am a weirdo! And do I care? 69

No.70

No. No. No. No!71

To be continued... 72

Never.73

Right. Back to my story. Granny came round on Thursday so things were ok then. Mum wasn�t around, I don�t think. Oh, hang on. Come to think of it, yes she was� but I just ignored her. I don�t think she realised. Anyway, on Friday, she found out I hadn�t been going to any after-school revision classes so now - and I�m so mad at her for this! - she�s making me go to the Science, Maths and the English ones. I don�t even care if I don�t get the grades. Well, I do but� I don�t want to have to do it on my own. None of my mates are going and it will just be all the stupid stuck-up cows (I nearly said they were freaks then but I forgot� that�s me!) and they�ll all stare at me and they�ll be messing around, all taking the mick, coming up to me, saying they want to marry me, lobbing bottles at my head, calling me all the names under the sun�74

I can�t take much more of this.75

As I�m typing this, I�ve got an hour until I go until I go to the first one. It�s Science and if it wasn�t for the fact that I hate lying, I wouldn�t go. Sam (my mate) is in Library with me. I�m supposed to be doing ICT but it�s so boring. I�m probably going to fail anyway. I really need to do some work. Anyway� Sam has just read me this text this guy sent to her. It goes:76

�I�m an angel from above77

Sent by God for you to love78

So when you�re down and feeling blue79

You know I�m always there for you.�80

Bless. Well, God must have missed me. I never got a bloody angel. Typical.81

After the stupid Science thing, if I come out alive, I�ve got a blinking counselling session with Rachael (my Psychologist person). She doesn�t understand what this OCD thing is all about. She just fires these really hard questions at me like, �Where do you think these worries have stemmed from?� Does it look like I know? Or even care? All I know is that I get worried for stupid little things like going to after-school Science revision classes where people are forever staring at me and making snide little comments under their breath that bore into my soul like a laser and it�s driving me round the twist. They�re killing me inside yet they don�t even realise. 82

Forty minutes left now�83

Maybe I won�t be able to find it. Maybe there�ll be a lovely little note sellotaped to the door with �Revision class cancelled� scrawled all over it in black marker? I can picture it now. I�d never have thought that I would�ve considered black marker �beautiful�. But now I have. Oh, wow. How amazing! What is my sad little mind coming to? 84

Maybe� just maybe though. That would be so great. Revision class cancelled. That would be one less thing to worry about this week.85

Ha. Who am I kidding? Trust me. I�ll probably get there late and everyone else will be there because I don�t know where it is being held so I�ll have to look for it. If my Mum knew what this did to me, she would never have made me go. She would have let me stay at home. Shall I wag it anyway? No one would ever know. No. Things would be even worse (is that possible?). I would not speak for days and the guilt of it the guilt of it would eat me alive.86

You don�t understand a word I�m saying do you?87

Twenty-one minutes exactly. I�m feeling sicker by the second. If any of my teachers are reading this (the first bit of this might be entered for coursework� Mr. Patrick said he�d ask Mrs Birkett�) then they�ll think I�m just saying this to get attention.88

Well maybe I am! I don�t know what I�m doing right now, actually. Attention-seeking or not, I don�t actually care. Do you hear me? I. Don�t. Care.89

Fourteen minutes� I�m going to leave at three to make sure I get there early and have time to find out where it is.90

I think I�m going to throw up. Eleven minutes. 91

It�s nearly three. I�m going now. Wish me luck. 92

Wednesday 24th March 200493

Hiya! I�m back. 94

Well, it went ok. Not as bad as what I thought. It was hard, it was boring but Lindsay, David, Fish and Scott were there so it could have been worse.95

But!96

I�ve got a Mock Spanish Oral exam late. Evil. Totally completely utterly absolutely evil. I�ve actually revised it which is rare for me which I�m sure is more than what some have done but those forty odd questions and the presentation just WILL NOT lodge themselves firmly in my brain. I think about it know and my mind goes blank. I�m hoping the five minutes before will help me and it will all come back to me. My stammer will get the better over me; I know it, and I won�t be able to get one word out. I know it. And why does it have to be on tape if it�s only a mock? I keep thinking I should have taken History. 97

Righty. In two hours it will be over. 98

Monday 29th March 200499

I got a B!100

How the hell did I manage to do that?101

I walked into the room where we had ten minutes to revise or whatever so I got out all my oral topics and began to read of over them. Then Miss Payne came in going, �Holaaaaaa�� and I sort of whispered �Hola� back, trying to smile. It didn�t work. Then she asked me if I was ready and I said no because I didn�t think it was and then she surprised me by going �You can have another ten minutes if you want� that lad won�t be in, he never is,� so I got another ten minutes. Anyway, I went in and it was easy. I must have learnt them somehow, it just all sort of came flooding back to me. Anyway, she said I�d got thirty-one out of forty, the best she�d seen. Mr Davies had spoken to me before and said I could drop Spanish if I wanted to but I don�t think I will now. Perhaps Graphics instead? 102

I still need to print out and hand in my Graphics coursework, perhaps re-do my Science coursework, catch up with IT (where the hell is Sir? I�m sure he�s lost my file) and get my grades up in Maths. 103

Too. Much. Work.104

To be continued... 105

This is what I want: five A-C�s. That�s all. If I get more, great. If I get less, oh well. Life�s tough.106

I want my A/B�s in English, my C in Geography and my two C�s in either Leisure and Tourism or IT. That�s ALL I want and that�s all I need. I�m not going to be some brainy person with A�s in everything so I might as well just settle that I�m only going to get five or six. 107

Thursday 22nd April 2004108

Hi again.109

Sorry it�s been so long. It�s been Easter so I�ve not been able to get on. Things have been tough again. I felt really depressed again last night and wrote my Mum a note and a poem. It was a bit suicidal. I said I didn�t think I was needed and she cried. Sometimes it sort of seems like that�s true though. I�m just there. I just exist.110

I want to live my life not just survive my existence.111

She said she felt the same when she was 17. I was shocked. It was because Grandad was ill and she felt like no one was interested in her, just Grandad and she was struggling in collage. She said she had got to the point where she was counting the pills. She said she had cut herself before. It made me think. It�s just not something I would have thought she could do, even then. Then she said she�s met Dad and had Tom and me and there you go. I can believe that will happen to me now. I could before but depression was overpowering me. It still is. But my head somehow seems clearer. There�s a glimmer of hope.112

But what makes me feel really bad right now is the fact I thought she might be putting on the act of crying, just to stop me from throwing myself off a bridge. I hope all those tears came from her heart, not her brain. It would be even worse if they hadn�t I think.113

Nothing is the same as it used to be. Thingys crew are a load of ****es. I get the impression she is ****y in real life. I think Keely she said was. She also said Emily was a ****. I was surprised about that. She said Alina was as well but I knew that anyway. Life is harder. Coursework, stress, how tense it is at home. Dad needs to stop over reacting. I hope I got through to Mum last night. We promised we�d help each other. I�m feeling really depressed as I write this. Hope everything is ok later!114

Exactly three months to my birthday today! Just realised.115

I need to sort myself. God, if you can hear me or see me write this please help me. I know I�ve not been the best person in the world but I really need your help.116

Monday 26th April 2004117

Wagged Science. Couldn�t face it with all the ****es there. I just saw there were no more seats, made my excuses and buggered off. There�s no way I was going to pull up a seat on the same bench as all the ****heads, no way at all. I had to get out. I went to the connexions room but it was locked, then the room in the R.E. Department but that was locked too. Then I faked a note and sat in the Library for the last 20 minutes with Jenny. I really couldn�t face going into that stupid lesson but I feel bad now, really bad, because Sir asked me where I went to I lied but he said he�d check up on me.118

Thursday 29th April 2004119

He didn�t say anything, thank pot noodles above! Got to expand my Science coursework and, according to sir I �know what to do�. Yeah right. I know I�m going to seriously fail IT because my coursework is ****e and even sir says I won�t get it done. I also need to ask about my DT coursework. And ask for my Bitesize revision book. I can�t do it, I really can�t. I just start panicking and I get butterflies and my mouth gets dry. It�s pathetic really. I�m nearly 16 and I still can�t ask for a stupid book! 120

I�m such a wimp.121

Nothing is going right. This is everyone that has gone dodgy in the past� erm� oh, I dunno� in the past� shall we see afterwards?122

-Nothing is going right with Rachel.123

-I�m going to fail Maths.124

-I�m going to fail Science.125

-Three lots of coursework are ****e. 126

-I�m not going to the prom.127

-Mum is still a ****.128

-I�m ugly129

-I have to go to collage.130

I haven�t been happy for a l-o-n-g time. 131

I�m going to write a poem.132

My life is dark and colourless133

Every person around me seems careless134

My heart and body are soulless135

My emotions include everything but happiness136

Other people don�t seem to feel my sadness 137

Everything is lifeless and lacks brightness138

All I see is dullness and I am sod all but nothingness. 139

I can�t taste sweetness, just sourness140

My life is dark and colourless141

Oh well. I got pissed last night (footie team won the final and see all went to the clubhouse afterwards). I only had one pint of larger as well but I went mad. I drank it too fast and that I had to �calm down�, Mum and Dad said. Sarah and me kept on giggling over nothing and we were just pats. It was great! I jumped off one of the picnic tables yelling, �I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYY!� and this other girl saw me. She seemed ok but she gave me a bit of a look when I jumped off the table. She asked for Ryan number. I told her Ryan was a prick and really nasty person which is all perfectly true. She still asked me. I said I would give it her but I doubt I can. I never see Sarah (her cousin) who would give it her. Oh well.142

YAY! I was in bed for 11:15pm last night/ Go me! But that might�ve been because I was a bit tipsy. Hahahahaha!143

Got to go now. The bell is going to go in about ten minutes. 144