The rain fell lightly against the windowpane of the bus as it sped across the highway towards the bundle of gray and yellowish brown apartment complexes. 1
“Yes! Only one more step until I can finally get home!” Ray thought to herself as she laid down in the bus seat with her eyes directed out the window. She gave out a little sigh as she combed her caramel colored fingers through her thick jet black shoulder length hair.2
“Psst….Psst! Ray.” someone called from the back of the bus. “Hey Ray!” 3
“What idiot do I know back there worth my attention?” Ray thought as she heard her name being called in a loud attempted whisper. 4
“RAY! I know you hear me.” That same voice called to her again this time accompanied by a paper ball. 5
The paper ball was poorly aimed for it flew right passed Ray’s head and hit the person in front of her who just happened to be sleep. A little tweaked Ray turned glaring around to find which idiot wanted her attention that bad. As she turned around another paper ball come straight at her hitting her square in her face. 6
“ GAH! WHO THREW THAT I’M GOING TO PUT A HURTIN ON…” her voice faded into a light laugh when she caught site of her best friend since pre-k bust out laughing. “ Your not funny Himitsu! “ 7
“ I’m may not be funny but what I did sure was.” with that she stuck her tongue out Ray.8
“What do you want?” Ray asked a little calmer now.9
“Come back here I have to tell you something.” 10
“We get off in like 5 minutes… heh not even now… “Ray protested.11
“Fine then I’ll talk to you when we get off, which is like…” she paused. “Now.” 12
They were the only one’s who lived in the Blitzer Township Apartments. Everyone else lived in the gated community with big houses about a block and a half over. When the bus came to a full stop the two friends stood up and got off hesitantly for it was still pouring down rain and neither had an umbrella. 13
“So what was it you wanted to tell me Himi?”14
“Nothing I just wanted you to come back to where I was sitting and see me and my boo be all lovey. Haha because I know you envy me.” 15
Ray tackled Himitsu into a puddle of mud. “ You are so mean and you know pay back is a bunny! This is only the beginning!” 16
They rolled around a bit in the mud before Himitsu got the upper hand and was pushing Ray’s face in the mud. “Get over it dude….I was just playing…geez. I already told you I didn’t know you like Ronny until you blew up in my face after I told you we were going out.”17
Ray reverse flipped Hinitsu and pushed her face into the same mud pile. “ You should have know that I liked him. I mean it was obvious man. Anyways I am over him and you need to stop being full of yourself Miss I get every guy I want.” Right then Himitsu flung Ray off of her. 18
“Is this what this is all about it? That is not true…Wait why are we getting into a fight over a guy. We are best friends and plus they are nothing but toys remember? C’mon lets just forget about this ok.” She stood up and walked over to where Ray laid on the ground. “ Friends for life remember?” she extended her hand for a truce and to help Ray up. 19
Still pissed off Ray let out a sarcastic laugh and grabbed her hand. Himitsu leaned forward and gave her a big bear hug and Ray lightened up, laughing for real this time. “ You have to admit though…I so kicked your butt!” 20
Himitsu blinked and pushed Ray away smiling as she grabbed her stuff and began to run towards her apartment building. “ Haha I’ll let you believe that.” she called back.21
“Well that was refreshing” Ray thought as she too picked up her stuff and ran towards the apartment building across the sidewalk from Himitsu’s. “Mom’s gonna kill me because I got my new uniform skirt and white shirt all muddy.” she thought to herself as she entered the hallway and trudged up the stairs. “On second thought…”she dropped her things next to the door and ran down the stairs and out the door towards the forest behind the complex. “I’m going to take me a little swim since I’m already wet.” 22
She took off down the sleek muddy trail until the she reached the largest tree and probably the oldest tree in that forest, she then took a left which diverted her off the trail a little ways. Finally after running so much Ray came to the top of a hill that gave an extraordinary overview of the little oasis that laid ahead. She chuckled to herself as she remembered when her and Himitsu first met here and Himitsu tried to convince her that she was a water nymph. No sooner had that thought passed the rain stopped abruptly and beautiful orchid petals different shades of red began to fall all around her. All Ray could do was stand there in shock until a smooth voice rang out from what it seemed with in her head. “Why didn’t you bring Himitsu with you?” it asked in a gloomy out way. 23
Ray looked around frantically around but saw no one so she shrugged it off for the flower petals where gone too. Once she reached the edge of the lake she began to strip down to her undergarments and eased herself into the lake.24
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Lol Read part two and three and then you will find out but part three is not done though. i current am very busy but i will post the rest of it.
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Really good, I can't wait to find out what happens next! well done
xXx
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I believe you should expand more on the story, it seemed too superficial, except maybe the last parts about the memories and the scene of falling orchids. But yeah, hopefully the next part will be better!
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i guess i should put part one at the top. Tis not the end of the story it was just the end of my inspiration but i got it back and i have the second part i just need to type it in. Tis an on going story. And the being proof read stuff is a good idea. I was so excited that i just typed what i had and didn't think about any of that. Thankies!
Edited on Jan 31, 9:35 p.m. because ''. -
I like the idea, but the ending is too sudden. Less intro, more ending stuff. It also needs to be proofread- there were a lot of mistakes on punctuation. Try copying it into Microsoft word or something similar, and it'll be done for you!
Re-read it, go back to it. Next time you feel particularly creative, make another go at expanding it.
.:Marie:. -
i like this....i wanna read more....great job!
Em -
Haha thats been my problem forever...im working on it slpwly by taking writing courses and whatnot. Im happy that you liked it. Im working on the second chapter this weekend and hope to post it soon!
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i really really enjoyed this story...it had something magical about it. the end was especially inspiring. i would however suggest editing a little as you seem to have made a few grammatical errors. otherwise overall an awesome write well done
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Thankies for the clappiness !! ...Woo! when i become inspired i will write more. I have wrote more in my notebook but i dont think its good enough yet. I need to think on it more. Okies...
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Yea...but after thiking about how to make it not so cheesy..i realized that eh even if i could...im not b/c cheesy or not tis like real life. You can't tell me someone somewhere hasn't fought about it. They are dead serious when they do and not thinking about cheesyness. Think of it like that. Oh..and i'm happy that it brings back good memories
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i want more
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eehhhh.. it's aliright
granted it is allittle cheesy, but it's neet. i like it kuz it reminds me of the good old times of when i could ride the bus and always fool around waiting for it or right when we got off. but the best part i think is the end when she here's the voice of their old imaginations. cool, just....cool -anji-
Edited on Jan 13, 6:48 p.m. because 'forgot something'. -
Sure i will read your work...later on tonight b/c im watchin a movie with my mom. Later tonight ok.^^
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Yeah, well I tell the truth, lol.
Ovoid the cheesyness? Hmm.....well I don't think the king of cheese lol would be able to tell you how to do that. -
Haha cheesy huh...i thought so too but i didnt think that anyone would tell me that...lol but you did. Heh give me some ideas to get rid of that cheesyness if you want. I'm up for some. And there is more to the story that i have written in my note book but as i was writing it began to become a whole different story and im happy that you want more. Thank you for the new ideas too.^^
Natasha -
Very interesting story. Got a little weird and rushed when they started fighting, and got much more interesting once they stopped though the transisiton was a little cheesy
The ending was the most intriging part, it could mean anything, and here is just my guess, which is probably the opposite of what you were thinking.
To me, it meant that Himitsu died, or that something happened, and oddly enough to me, I sort of liked that, not that she was dead, but that your ending had room for me to choose and wonder.
I think that, if you haven't already, this comment is taking forever to write, that you should write a sequal, but not talk about Himitsu for a while, that was suspense can continue to slow, my only advice, slow it down
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