All characters are purely fictional and do not resemble anyone living or dead.1
Tomcat Jones was a well known philanderer. A womaniser. Seducer of young virgins and old maids. In simple terms, no female between the ages of sixteen and eighty were safe when TC Jones was about.2
Managing his uncle's small farm was not TC J's idea of having fun. He didn't take a fancy to cow pats, hen droppings or pigs’ muck.3
His uncle was in hospital Having his willie sewn back on. He had a habit of putting his willie in the calf milk bucket while he was feeding the calves.4
One day this particular calf was a bit over eager to get at the milk. Just about chomped his uncle Seth’s willie right off!5
The surgeon managed to sew it back together but they didn’t know if uncle Seth would be able to feed the calves anymore.6
He may just have to feed the chickens. That’s after they fitted the chickens with little rubber boots so that they wouldn’t scratch uncle Seth’s thighs.7
But this was his homeland after all. The farm had been in the family for generations, as far back as anyone could remember. His uncle and his daddy were twins, but Tomcat Jones senior had been killed while in the saddle with the local Undertaker’s wife. And he wasn’t riding a horse, although some people maintained she looked like one.8
There was quite a fanfare at the murder trial. The Undertaker, Andrew (Andy) Crack, was charged with First Degree Murder for killing his own wife, Phillipa and Tomcat snr. 9
The trial went on for weeks. Witnesses from all over the county were called.10
It came out in the trial that the late Mrs. Crack was very generous with her sympathy to grieving widowers and she was well known for her intimate counselling sessions. She even had her own suite of rooms at the Funeral Parlour with a sign on the door saying, “Phillipa Crack. Please Enter”11
It was said that a lot of men took the sign literally. 12
Finally a verdict was reached and Andy Crack was found guilty. 13
He was sentenced to death and the sentence was to be by hanging and to be carried out forthwith.14
It was to be a public execution and the gallows were erected in the town square. Andrew Crack was given the last rites and he duly swung for his crime.15
Tomcat Jones, jnr. Witnessed the execution and was pleased to see Crack dead for murdering his father,16
This was all in the past now as he reminisced about the trial.17
He was in the pigsty fitting gumboots to the front legs of the sows.18
He vowed that he would never be caught in the saddle by a jealous husband.19
He’d stick to pigs. As long as they didn’t squeal on him, that is.20
Sammy 200621
Author notes
Use the following words; homeland; uncle; fanfare; last rites; tomcat
A challenge set by Touchof1der for Storywriters Unite.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Excellent Humor
You should put all these stories into book form and have it published Sammy
for sure they would be a great success! you manage to choose ideal names for your characters and the situations they get themselves into are truly hilarious... from now on, I shall view all the animals I see whilst out horse riding from a different aspect! all the chickens will be wearing little rubber boots... pigs will be wearing gumboots ( and squealing) and I shall never again pass an undertakers without thinking of this poem 
your humour takes some beating Sammy, BRAVO!
Always
~Katie~
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Thanks a million Michelle ... I guess having a warped sense of humour helps. I do feel sorry for the Puritans. They have very little to smile about. Mmmmm, this could be a chapter in the Adult version of Little House ...
Thanks again my love for both the comment and the applause.
Looking forward to reading your entry ...
Sammy -
Birlliant !
Sammy,
What delightful tale and such a twisted sense of humour you have!!! I chuckled throughout! For some reason I keep getting this visual/thought, the other side of Little House on the Prarie! You did a superb job here! My challenge is keeping it under the required 700 cap!
~Michelle~
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