I Remember

I remember when I first fell in love. It was a great feeling, like walking on air and breathing underwater; it seemed impossible and highly doubtful that it happened to me. I remember when every little thing he did was cute, or sweet, or romantic. I remember our relationship being new, then serious and solid and growing into something that could last forever. I can also remember wanting to see something about him that I had never seen before. I remember the first time I watched him sleep.1

There was something sensual about watching the person I loved sleep. He looked different somehow; more vulnerable I guess, and perhaps a little innocent. In the flickering candle light, I watched him dream, I felt him breath and melted in his embrace. I remember thinking about our future, yet, at the same time I wanted that moment not to end. So I held him in my arms, dreading the moment soon to come when he would awaken, become conscious again, and he would no longer be as innocent. I kept thinking maybe he won’t really need to see me as much as he says he does in his dreams… 2

I remember wondering what life would be like with him. I had a vision of a picturesque life (minus the picket fence) with two kids; a boy and a girl, a beautiful wedding and a home in the suburbs outside a bigger city. I would be a doctor, and he a successful lawyer. After the kids grew up into adolescence, we would adopt a little boy from Africa and life would be perfect….3

I remember those days like yesterday. The days when I was so in love I was blinded by everything else, and even when I realized this I didn’t care. I still even remember our wedding day. It wasn’t what I wanted; I never got the dress or reception or had my father’s approval, just a simple ceremony on the courthouse lawn two months after we found out I was having his baby. 4

I remember being so happy that I could finally start my life with him. We found a shabby little place on the outskirts of town, it wasn’t much but it was our own. We painted the baby’s room pale yellow because we didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. Seven months later though we knew for sure when an angelic baby girl came into and brightened our lives. I remember what people said: we are too young to know love, we weren’t going to make it, that the child would grow up with one parent eventually, but we didn’t care. We were in love and loving life. I remember those things. 5

I don’t remember some things though. I don’t remember signing the papers. Why would I do that? I don’t remember the day he left, or the day they came to take her away or the time in between. I don’t remember cutting myself, fasting or even being depressed. But apparently I was. 6

The last thing I remember for sure was my father being really mad when he came back from his TDY. I remember the court in all its pomp taking away my husband; my love, my life, my best friend. I think I remember writing him letters because I sent them to the county jail, soon after our marriage was annulled. I stopped writing after Lailey got adopted. I remember the night we made Lailey; I was only 15…7