Ted wonders how long he's been lying there.
Half broken, and twisted, squinting up at the light.
The buzz of a mosquito draws his attention to his
ears, and the ringing. Always that weird ring pulsing,
and pulling at his sleep, prying at his life, and
love.1
He can hear an incessant howling down the hall
accompanied by the low thumping sound of something
heavy being dragged, and swung.
A plate of rotting food appears at the light ruining
his chance of escape, yet again. The smell of thick corn,
and old white bread wafts into his nasty nostrils
jerking Ted up and out of a fetal position.
To heave his appetite back into shape enough to maybe even...
relieve himself in the drain (this time) instead of
his dungarees.2
"Fuck you!” He tries to yell out to no one in particular.3
Mostly to hear his own voice, it comes out
hoarse, and in a sick gurgle.4
“What time is it?" A fluorescent light flickers a bit;5
Then goes off, then comes back on. He can sense
someone, something outside the door,
breathing, now and then talking,6
"If I told you what time it was, would you feel7
better?" the voice offers8
Ted can hear a cigarette being smoked,9
but he can smell nothing. His nose is broken,10
swollen. Old clotted blood stands between Ted,11
and inevitably smelling his own sick-sour-stink:12
Soiled torn clothes, oily matted hair, and the13
powerful stench of ammonia. He's thankful for that at14
least; Thankful, he can't smell his body giving15
out in this miserable hole.16
"No, but maybe if I knew what time it was17
I'd be certain time is passing.18
You know what I mean mister?19
Hey, you out there?" Ted asks20
But he's not, and Ted's beginning to think he never21
was. Yesterday, it was a woman, and the day before that22
it was a girl, skipping of all things. He starts23
laughing at that, almost even gets up to try, but he24
doesn't. He shimmies instead on his elbows to the door to get25
the food. Dares himself to look out through the small rectangle26
of light, and see what it is he crawled over to find. He pushes27
the plate of food into the corner with the other tins. He28
hasn't had a meal in what appears to be over a week.29
The rats are starving themselves outside to get in,30
but Ted is starving to get out.31
He concentrates on the middle,32
or what he supposes is the center.33
And imagines that he can hear the ocean,34
lulling, and he does in fact,35
he hears a gull, no lots of gulls...36
And a family: many families and laughter,37
boats, the sound of surf, and a highway38
not too far off.39
Ted hears... himself, younger, care free,40
calling out to him, assuring him that he can fit.41
He can make it! His heart is racing.42
He knows it makes no sense, but what does he have to43
lose? He pictures himself shrinking.44
He becomes the ringing in his ears.45
It grows louder and louder; an incredible46
pressure all around. Ted thrusts his arm into the light.47
It grabs him, firm, much firmer than he suspected the48
vision should allow. He panics and begins to struggle.49
His nose starts pouring fresh blood, salty and hot.50
He smells what at first strikes him as a fire, but51
no, not smoke, he knows that smell it's...52
"Sulfur", The voice hadn't really left at all.53
"It's time..." It slurs with what can only be a thousand years54
of patience, and practice. "Time for you to come with me".
Author notes
I originally wrote this in first person, but thought
hey, why not change it to third.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Third person. Tricky to write, but you pulled it off rather nicely. The spacing is slightly annoying, but in the same, it has the look of poetry to it.(Unless it got caught up in the spacing mess up a while back).
Excellent description and imagery used in this (nasty nostrils?) Hear a cigarette being smoked...wonderful imagery there.
Oh. I wasn't expecting that ending. Very nicely woven in. After finishing this, I can say that I like it in third person. It seems to have a detatched, yet intimate reading that way.
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I swear people want me to suffer... I used to hear voices but now luckily I don't... Disturbing stuff. Good luck in the contest!
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TITLE: Holed (in third person)
AUTHOR: horus8
CATEGORY GROUP: 3
AGE GROUP: adult
(In a scale 1-6.) (6 is the best)
Originality: 4.5
Creativity: 4
Rule Compliance: 5
Spelling: 5
Punctuation: 5
Quality: 5
My Personal Opinion: 4
Character Ideas: 5
Character development: 4.5
Background Sense: 5
Color: 5
Ideas: 5
Organization: 4.5
Supporting Details: 5
Voice: 5
Passion: 4.5
Total: 76
Average: 4.75
Rank: 14
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great dark write.....I managed to feel the difference in the form of write......but I did get a little confused..hear a ciggarette being smoked? no smell?....imaginations i say....love the discription of your characters........very vivid pictures and distinct emotional draw of my attentions causing me to draw conclusions then find myself redirected to places you were going.......love the end too.......time to go......should I follow this image of a timeless essense reeking with a aura of sulfur and smoke..
Malabu -
This was kind of confusing, but the character descriptions were very descriptive. I could picture how Ted looked and felt. This was a good write and it didn't lose my attention.
-Tyler -
This story completely took me off guard. I am a skeptic before I read something new but this was incredible. You reeled me in with the first two lines and then I was hooked. Amazing story never stop writing!
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very interesting write, with this peron lying in waiting,.. you always leave us in suspense.. thank you for sharing.. good luck in the contest..Andy
Edited on Jan 05, 10:22 because ''. -
cool!
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I really like this. Love reading spooky stories! I just started one myself. My first actually, I have always written poetry before. Anway, back to you. You didn't lose my attention for a second! And thats an amazing thing. Really enjoyed it thanks for sharing.
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omg this i sooooo good i love it
jess
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