Invisible Lives

“Well mum it’s another day. Good to know that we’ve managed to survive another one in this world. It’s hard enough not to get killed as you go about your daily business. Who invented this game called Life anyway? Not the best one to come up with. I prefer safer games like hide and seek, or chase. Something where people can’t get hurt; indirectly or not. What do you think?”1

Molly stopped, cocked her head to one side and listened hard for a reply. None came. So far there had never been any reply. She shrugged and began to whistle tunelessly. “Well mum I guess you’re still asleep. It is pretty early but I’ve been up for hours, just sitting here, watching the world go by. I like being able to see out and to know what’s happening around me. I’ll let you sleep on now but I’ll be back again later.” She bent down and kissed Fiona (her mum) lightly on the forehead and tiptoed away.2

Fiona mumbled sleepily and rolled over. She opened one eye and squinted at the clock. What in God’s name had possessed her to wake at 9am on a Sunday? She sighed heavily and pressed her face to the pillow, longing to fall asleep again. But she couldn’t. A strange mist seemed to waft gently around the room and on the wind a strange new perfume filtered through, like the smell of a clean powdered baby. Fiona stiffened and erased the last thought from her memory. But it still felt like there was an unnatural presence in the room. She’d been getting that feeling a lot lately. The phone beside her bed jangled, making her jump and she stretched out a limp arm to reach it. “Hello?” she grumbled. 3

“Fiona, darling, it’s Mummy here. I just thought that because it’s such a beautiful day we should go for a picnic in the park. A new playground and walking park has opened up a few miles away from here and it looks beautiful. Those depressing ugly high-rise flats are gone at last. No more will their shadow cast a negative darkness on the land. What do you say?”4

“What? What flats? Oh never mind that. Mum! It’s 9am! Why are you ringing so early? Did you ring earlier? Maybe that’s what woke me.”5

“No love,” her mum was horribly cheerful. “But now that you’re awake you might as well get up. Plenty to do and not enough time to do it in. I’ll expect you at 10. Don’t worry about food or that, I’ll organise everything. Oh, but could you nip into ‘Cats’ for me and buy a bottle of fizzy water. Oh and some fruit. Oh and I need butter too.”6

“Why don’t you just write out a shopping list?” suggested Fiona sarcastically. “Oh love that’s a great idea, aren’t you the good girl. Listen, right so, I’ll go and do that list and when you get here, you can drive back to the shop and do the shopping. See you at 10. Toodles.”7

“Aaagghhhh,” complained Fiona. Her mum always knew exactly what would make her tick, and she seemed to enjoying playing on it. Here she was, a thirty something year old woman and still jumping to her mothers’ tune. Her mum doted on her but sometimes she could be a little overpowering. An old-fashioned woman, she was very much opinionated and always had to get her own way. Nevertheless she was a dear old thing and although she rarely showed it, Fiona did love her in her own way.  She winced involuntarily as her feet came in contact with the cold wooden floor, but padded on towards the bathroom to have a shower and get ready.8

After driving to her mums, collecting the shopping list and driving back again, they headed towards the countryside to the new park her mum had told her about, following the dodgy directions called out. They got there safely enough and unpacked the picnic baskets, blankets and umbrella from the boot. The park was thronged with families and eager children ran to try out the new playground. The area looked and felt familiar but she couldn’t place it. A distant memory and an uneasy feeling were all she could link together. Fiona smiled quietly as they searched for a place to sit. Maybe it would be a good day after all.9

They found a nice spot by the lake and relaxed underneath a weeping willow. As Fiona lay back on the mossy grass and closed her eyes, she heard a little voice say quietly:10

“I’m four months old today Mum,11

Happy Birthday to me12

I’ve got my ears, nose and eyes13

So I can hear and smell and see.”14

She gasped and sat up abruptly, eyes darting here and there. “Is something wrong love?” enquired her mother. She swivelled her head round and had to laugh. Agnes (Fiona’s mum) was sitting placidly on one of the thick beach towels, munching on a tomato sandwich. She had propped the umbrella behind her, to ward off the sun, supposed Fiona, and looked as though she had come to life out of a magazine. “No Mum, nothing’s wrong. I thought I heard someone say something but I guess I was wrong.” She lay down and closed her eyes again, and was just drifting off to sleep when she heard it again. 15

“Where are we going today Mum?16

Is it somewhere special to celebrate?17

I’m bouncing up and down Mum.18

Are we running late?”19

She jumped up, shaking her head frantically. It continued on. 20

“This is nice Mum, just you and me. 21

Are you looking forward to my birth? 22

We’re going to have so much fun together Mum. 23

I can’t wait for my arrival on earth.” 24

Fiona gazed around, wild eyed, wondering where on earth the voice was coming from. “I’m going for a walk,” she told the astonished Agnes. “I won’t be long.”25

She loped away with long strides. ‘Am I going mad?’ she thought. ‘I can’t believe I’m hearing voices in my head.’ The wind shifted and the breeze rustled past her. As it did so, she heard the little voice whisper in her ear, “I’m here Mum.” She started, looking around her warily. And then she saw it, the slab of stone with writing on it. She walked closer slowly, glancing around to make sure nobody was near. As she got closer she could read the swirly writing. “Rainbow Apartments,” and then she realised. The ground shook beneath her and she crumpled by the stone as tears filled her eyes. 26

“Why are you crying Mum?27

I can feel your body shake though I cannot see your tears.28

Please don’t be sad Mum,29

I’ll always be around to comfort your fears.”30

Fiona drew in a sharp breath. There it was again, that voice, that voice which roamed her dreams. She lay against the rock, remembering, and was pulled out the past sharply by a group of laughing voices. She looked up and saw a crowd of teenagers heading towards her, chatting and teasing one another. 31

“Whose voices do I hear Mum?32

They sound uncaring and mean.33

What’s that beeping noise Mum?34

Why are you starting to scream?35

She clambered up off the ground, her legs shaky beneath her, and ran to the comfort of another weeping willow. Once there, she sat down and, drawing in her breath in ragged gasps, whispered, “Am I going mad?”36

The little voice answered. 37

“What’s this silver thing Mum?38

Why’s it poking my heart?39

Tell them to stop, help me Mum,40

They’re tearing me apart.”41

She moaned dramatically, clutching her head with both hands. 42

“Stop them Mum, I need your help,43

Come on Mum they’re hurting me.44

What’s happening here Mum?45

Why won’t they let me be?”46

The tears fell in floods from her eyes as she wept sorrowfully. “Stop, stop,” she whispered. “Please just leave me alone.”47

“Where are you Mum? Where are you?48

Why can’t I hear your voice?49

Why were we brought here Mum?50

Surely it wasn’t your choice?”51

The leaves whispered above her and the breeze rustled around her. Nature grew edgy and the voices of those around her faded. All except for one little voice. 52

“My life is slowly dying Mum,53

I love you Mum, believe me I do.54

I’m sorry we’ll never get to meet Mum,55

But the worst thing is, I thought you loved me too.”56

Fiona screamed once and then jammed her fist into her mouth, shaking violently. A tight coil of fear sprung in her stomach and it felt as though a dog were chasing its tail round and round. Perspiration poured in rivets down her forehead and her hands were cold and clammy. “Leave me alone,” she whispered. “What do you want from me?” She waited apprehensive, almost afraid of what was going to come next. There was complete silence. She repeated her question, “Who are you? What do you want from me?”57

She strained for a reply, her head cocked to one side. After a pause, the voice spoke again, thick with emotion. “I want YOU Mum. I want you to acknowledge me.” 58

Fiona’s voice quavered. “I don’t know who you are.”59

The little voice grew angry, and the wind stormed sharply around her. “I am Molly. I am your daughter! But you wouldn’t recognise the name because I had to name myself! No child should feel so unloved that they name themselves! I’m tired of being invisible. I want you to accept me and to love me like you should.” Lightening crashed through the sky and a downpour of rain began abruptly. Thunder raged overhead and the sky became black as coal.60

Fiona could hear people screaming as they ran for cover and she thought of Agnes, sitting alone under her tree. “I must go,” she said, getting up quickly. “Mum will get wet.”61

“My grandmother is safe,” replied the little voice. “Her willow tree is blocking off the rain, just like this one. Mum, please don’t go away and leave me again, I love you.” 62

Fiona found there was a lump in her throat. “Molly … I can’t … I don’t know what to say … I’m sorry.”63

“Say you love me Mum! Say I can keep visiting you.”64

“It’s a bit late for me to say I love you. But I’ll tell you this. Even though we never got a chance to meet, I know you’re up there watching everything I do. Hearing everything I say. You can read my thoughts and know that I am frightened now. You share my pain. You are my blood,” her voice got stronger as she carried on. “You lived in my womb. Even though you couldn’t stay, even though I drove you away, you are my little girl. You are still my baby and I love you little one. Maybe someday we’ll meet at Heaven’s gates. Even though I made you go away, even though I never gave your little heart a chance, I still love you my child.”65

There was complete silence. The storm died down and the rain stopped. The sky filled with bubbly white clouds and the sun shone its heart out. Fiona sat, praying this time to hear a reply. Just as it seemed as though it were all a dream, she felt a breeze envelope her, and a soft whisper in her ear. “Thank you Mum, thank you so much. Now I feel alive, vigorated, more so than ever before. Thank you for seeing me, for loving me, for acknowledging me. I no longer live an invisible life because you will start to see me everywhere. And hopefully those who love you will see me in you. I love you Mum, and I’ll always wait here for you.”66

There was a deep pause, yet Fiona knew that this surreal experience wasn’t over yet. 67

“My life died that day Mum.68

I love you Mum believe me I do.69

But now I’m happy because I know I’m not invisible.70

Now you’ve acknowledged me and I know you love me too.”71

Fiona felt a light waft of wind grasp her tightly and then leave. All at once the world seemed sunnier, and it was as though a heavy burden was lifted from her shoulders. She stood, stronger, more confident and returned to Agnes, glad to see that the little woman was sleeping, snoring loudly underneath the umbrella. She knelt beside her and hugged her tightly. Agnes woke with a start. “Get off me girl. What do you think you’re doing? You’ll have my dress all wrinkled.” But she was smiling, and Fiona felt a great rush of love for her. “I love you Mum,” she said lovingly, before releasing her. Agnes looked at her carefully. “I do believe you’ve got sunstroke. Come on now, time for home, better get you to bed.” She fussed around her, chiding her playfully and rushing her back to the car.72

Fiona turned the key to start the engine and looked through the window to the little grey stone slab by the great willow tree. A little girl with curly black hair and a wide grin on her face playing on the grass nearby waved to her energetically. She opened her mouth as if saying something to Fiona. Fiona rolled down the window but couldn’t hear what she was saying. The little girl shrugged and blew her a kiss. Seconds later, Fiona felt the touch of mist on her cheek and heard, “See you tonight in your dreams.” She smiled and blew a kiss in return. “Yes see you then Molly.”73

“Who are you blowing kisses at?” demanded Agnes. “Come on now girl, start up this car and let’s go home for Heaven’s sake.” The car trundled slowly down the country lane, away from the park, away from ‘Rainbow Apartments’ and away from the little girl who whispered to herself, 74

“Yes I am no longer unseen.75

Mum can now see me.76

I will have her love forever77

For I have killed my invisibility.78