Circle of One

At this moment in time, I am alone. I listen to high hopes and witness changes in my life. Are my hopes too high for me to reach? Regardless, I am here to speak of something else.1

My secret, is my inability to hang on to friends. I drive them away somehow. The truth is, I don't know how I do it. I guess it's through some sort of selfish streak: hanging on too tight, expecting too much, and not giving enough.2

What is the life-expectancy of the average friendship? When I look at my boyfriend, I see that his current friends are the ones he's had since high school. He has managed to keep those relationships going for about fifteen years. I'm hard pressed to still have the same friend after fifteen months...3

I ask myself why. I wonder what I've done wrong. Am I choosing the wrong people to befriend?4

In high school, I had no friends. I was the spotty geek who didn't go out drinking, who didn't swear, who still managed to get into trouble with the headmistress and get detention time after time... yet never reached the eternally coveted 'cool' status. Anyone who seemed like my friend would turn their back on my eventually, making me unable to comprehend their actions.5

The arts brought me true friendships. Becoming creatively known in the right circles enabled me to see the greener grass. Being welcomed wholly was the best feeling in the world... which then made the eventual rejection so completely heart-breaking. What did I do that time? I left temporarily for pastures new, but came back when I realised that I belonged with my fellow musicians and artists.6

I learned that people cannot accept change well. I had changed too much for my 'friends', they could not take me back into their circle, so I was defeated. I was made to create my own circle, my own circle of one.7

But for one person, change was the attraction. Maybe it was because she had not known me before, but I was hers to call a friend. Finally, I had someone to call 'best'. So much sharing and learning was to be had... for a short time.8

Again, I screwed it up. My selfish nature showed through, and I tore her apart. Little did I know, but I was tearing myself apart at the same time. I didn't realise until it was far too late. I was consumed by a slow decay, taking control a bit at a time until I was gone. And she was gone.9

The rift has been repaired now, but things will never be as they were. I will no longer lean on someone so much. The longest unbroken relationship I have ever had is the love of my life. I have only him: no friends to call upon, bar the one who is so far away.10

I'll always be down this road so many times, wondering why no one wants to be more than an acquaintance. There are no fruitful waters flowing, no bridges to cross to see those holding out hands of friendship. I am alone, yet with love in my heart.11

This is my secret. My destructive nature kills all friendships, whether I want to or not. I am destined to be friendless, maybe not loveless, but surely friendless. Will the cycle ever be broken?12