In a time not so long ago, in a land quite close to here, lived a mouse. The mouse's name was Marvin. He was a normal looking mouse, light brown in colour with cute black eyes and a twitchy pink nose. And Marvin Mouse had a beautiful tail, it was long and swishy, the most wonderful mouse tail that anyone had ever seen. But having such a wonderful tail made Marvin Mouse's ego grow more and more, until soon he thought he was better than all the mice. He would turn his cute pink little nose up at all the girls and walk away with his long tail swishing behind him. Soon all the mice got sick of the way Marvin Mouse was acting, so they held a town meeting to see what could be done. All the mice sat on the ground under the box that was used as town hall, their annoyed squeaks rang through the air. Mayor Mouse nodded at his helper, Martin Mouse, and Martin Mouse nodded back.1
"SILENCE!" Yelled Martin Mouse and everyone stopped talking.2
Then Mayor Mouse walked up to the stand. "We have to do something about Marvin Mouse!" Mayor Mouse said in his high squeaky voice. "He has snubbed every mouse! Even Melissa Mouse, Monarch of Madagascar!"3
All the mice gasped, Marvin Mouse had to be stopped!4
"So, anyone have any ideas?" Mayor Mouse said.5
There was silence for a couple seconds, but then the smallest mouse, Matilda Mouse timidly raised her paw.6
"Marvin Mouse wants to seem like the best bravest mouse." Matilda Mouse said in her high girlish voice. "And I have a friend, Chelsea Cat-"7
Matilda Mouse was cut off by the gasps of the other mice. "A cat, you're friends with a cat?"8
Matilda Mouse rolled her eyes. "Yes, a cat. Now, the reason why Marvin Mouse is mean is because he thinks his tail being so long makes him the bravest. But if one of us has to save him from Chelsea Cat, he won't seem so brave anymore."9
Mayor Mouse smiled, this could work. "Matilda Mouse, how fast can you get Chelsea Cat?"10
Matilda Mouse was half way out the door. "Bring Marvin Mouse here; say he is getting an award or something! Chelsea Cat will attack soon. I will save Marvin Mouse, okay?"11
All the mice nodded as Matilda Mouse ran out the door. And for the next hour everyone prepared, finally they called Marvin Mouse in, hoping that Matilda Mouse would bring Chelsea Cat on time.12
Mayor Mouse smiled down at Marvin Mouse. "Marvin Mouse," said Mayor Mouse. "I am proud to give you this award, for outstanding bravery!"13
Marvin Mouse smugly grinned. "Of course I would get this; I mean I am the bravest mouse!" He said while fiddling with his long tail.14
Mayor Mouse reached out to put the medal around Marvin Mouse's neck when they all heard a great crash. Everyone looked up to see a tabby cat grinning evilly through a big hole in the roof. All the mice started screaming and running about as rehearsed.15
"Never fear!" Marvin Mouse said. "Marvin Mouse is here!"16
He ran up and started punching at the air in front of Chelsea Cat's face. "Put 'em up!" He said bravely.17
Chelsea Cat grinned even bigger and with a swipe of one paw sent Marvin Mouse crashing into a wall. All the other mice gasped.18
"Who will save us now?" cried one of the mice melodramatically before fainting.19
Matilda Mouse came running through the door. "Leave us alone evil cat!" 20
She said and then she ran up and bit the cat's paw (lightly of course, for they were all acting).21
Chelsea Cat screamed. "Ouch, that hurt! You have beaten me mouse!"22
Chelsea Cat ran off and all the mice cheered, Matilda Mouse was the bravest mouse of all! Marvin Mouse got up, his head spinning. He looked around and saw that the cat was gone, and that Matilda Mouse had saved him. 23
He walked up to Matilda Mouse looking sheepish. "You saved me, thank you. I have been really mean. To everyone: I'm sorry, I really am! Matilda Mouse, who is the smallest mouse, with the smallest tail of all saved me. I now know it is not the size of your tail that matters, but the size of your heart."24
All the mice cheered again. And now, after that, Marvin Mouse has been nicer and never bragged again. Because of the day when he thought Matilda Mouse saved him. To this day, Marvin Mouse will tell the story about the day when he realized, it was the size of your heart that counts the most.25
A contest entry
- Welcome to storywrite! The first contest! by Kevin.
130 points, ended April 2, 2006, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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That's really adorable, I like how he was put in his place for bragging and the way that all the names start with 'M'.
This has a good fairytale ring to it, the kind you tell your children and they tell theirs and so on and so on. It's always nice to read a 'could-be' fairytale.
You should do some descriptive writing, describe the settings. This is obviously a kiddy story and kiddies like being able to visualise the settings. (I know, I am a kiddy, at least at heart)
Very good, I like the moral. -
It's cute. I liked the names too. At first I thought the bit about Marvin's tale just meant he thought he was prettier than everyone else, so I was a little confused when having a long tale suddenly meant he was the bravest. But other than that, I thought it was great!
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This was cute. I really liked the names in this. To be honest, this isn't really the type of story I am interested in, but it was good for what it is. Children would probably enjoy it a lot.
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awww vey cute. is it a kid's story sounded like one. anyway great job!
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Ahhh
This was a delightful story. Being a woman on the shorter side of life, I very much enjoyed the idea of the values of size.I
In the beginning you did repeat the use of cute in the same sentence. Children might want something a little more than cute, especially as it can be considered to be used more for females. Perhaps suggest that Marvin's eyes were "charming", or something similar. Or that he thought his eyes were charming, this would add to his boastful character too.
I liked the description in the beginning, you used wonderful words such as "swishy". You could carry that sort of thing through the rest of the story and give a bit more description especially describing Matilda more. Give character to some of the other mice and make them complain. What of Marvin's mother and father? You could include them too.
Matilda does exhibit contradictions in character sometimes. I can see that perhaps she is not quite the timid mouse she makes out she is. That's fine, but perhaps either make Matilda timid, or more able to stand up for herself. Children can get confused or easily pick up on this sort of thing. If she is secretly more independent, expand on this a little.
In the line where Marvin receives his fake reward, consider having Marvin make a bigger speech, perhaps elaborating on things he hasn't actually done. This shows just how conceited he really is. Perhaps also consider something else happening, like one of Marvin's friends or relations pretending to be hurt, or really hurt by accident. This would make him feel even more guilty and give him more of a reason to transform. Another idea could be that you see Chelsea Cat's real nature, perhaps he's a big softie and this make's Marvin also see sense.
This was a lovely tale and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Just by elaborating on a few points and introducing a bit more description, still keeping it nice and simple as you have, I think it would be a really excellent children's tale. Good job!
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Nice story
Your story reminded me of a fable. I think a few more descriptions would add to the story. I enjoyed the moral of the story at the end. All in all I thought it was simple and sweet.
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Good
I liked it. enjoyed the lesson at the end. The leasson that even the smallest can be the biggest in others eyes and the biggest can be the smallest too. -
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What lesson? Pray tell!
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Very Good
I really like the moral of the story. Thank you for entering the contest.
Amy -
That is so cute. I love the idea of the mouse. I liked the last line it was hte size of your heart that counts.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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i love how you are corresponding the M in mouse with all of the names, very cunning. and chelsea and cat. it was soo sweet a great tale for young kids, or people who are young at heart to look up to!
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Excellent
I loved this story. It is fit for children, teenagers and adults a like. I really enjoyed reading it.
You word choice is very simple and so is the dialogue.
I love how all the names started with 'M' and were all followed by the word "Mouse" so it was cute alliteration throughout the story.
You did a splendid job here. Congratulations on the Bronze trophy.
keep on writing,
Nooni
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Woo HOO how wonderful
this is such a cute story I would not hesitate to read this to any child. It is a fine piece of work.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I like it! It reminds me of that story with the fish and th sparkly fins!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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good
great stroybeginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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nice story moves very well...it flowsss
jacki -
very good!
A lovely parable... you and Aesop have much in common. Children of all ages will learn a lot from this read... especially the adult children.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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very good
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Stupendous
I really like this. It is a very cut and funny story.
Thank you very much I enjoyed it.
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So cuuuute! This would make a great published story for little kids. Great message, loveable characters...
The only thing that threw me off a bit was the similarity between Marvin and Martin mouse's names. Other than that, the alliteration wass a nice touch.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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great story
that story was awesome. it kept me attentive and it also has a very good lesson behind it. having an ego it not the healthest thing in a persons life. i really hope you will continue with this type of writing and may be a story about the cat and the mouse being friends.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very cute, I liked it a lot. It was kind of funny, made me think of English class.(don't ask). Wonderful story. Congrats on the bronze. God Bless!
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Excellent
This is a really good story. It's interesting, and intriguing! A very enjoyable read. You sent out a hood message.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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aww!
so cute.
I liked the way everyone had an alliterative name it was really fun.
this is a great childrens story with a good moral.
I think I shall be bookmarking it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I liked this - a very bedtime story structure, with a good moral. The only thing that nagged me was the last sentence, it just seems a little out of place.
Nice story!
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applaud
Dear Faerytale Princess,
This story recalls to me the Grimm's Brothers folk tale collection and also the Winnie the Pooh stories that I read as a child. Although I really enjoyed the story as a whole, I thought that the plot could be a little more complicated. For example, how about including more opinions expressed at the town hall meeting or more characters involved in the plot against Marvin Mouse.
If you study a Winnie the Pooh story, you'll note that, more so than not, most all the characters take part in the plot as a whole and not many are usually excluded. In other words, you usually don't have only two or three characters per story in those tales. I'm not saying your story isn't fine as it is, but I think it would benefit from the addition of more characters and a little more complication in plot.
For example, suppose the cat and Marvin Mouse had an involved battle in which other mice were knocked here and there or in which things were knocked about or in which chairs or swords were used as weapons. In other words, the cat doesn't have to win right off the bat. You could have more detail to the conflict; more complication. More things could happen. In other words, I think that this story is too basic in detail. There's not enough in the way of variety in character and the chain of events that occur to make it more interesting than it could be. I think that this very interesting story could benefit from the addition of more character variety and more in the way of descriptive elements to give it more complication. That way you engage your reader more thoroughly with more interest. If it is too simple in plot, it might not be enough for the more demanding reader.
I applaud your story, though. It is a good example of its form and perfect for children. I hope that you don't mind that I was too critical. Don't get me wrong. I really like your story, and I really think that it is perfect for children. I just think that it could benefit with the addition of more characters and more variety in descriptive detail and more complication in plot. I really hope that I didn't upset you at all with my critique. I really liked your story, though, and I hope that I'll be able to read more like it in the future by you. Thanks for a very entertaining tale.
Sincerely,
jtimcarney@aol.com
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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O wow... this is just what I needed today, it a a stunning story with a beautiful message. Well done and well written
~Dini~
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Wonderful!
I really, really enjoyed this tale and how on earth did you manage to find all those names starting with M? Marvellous job! I love the moral of the story too. I'm sure kids will love this tale. One tiny littly thingy though: line 1 - quiet = quite?
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Good
First of all, I loved the descriptions early on in the story. Brilliant. The plot was good, and the dialouge was too. I loved the child-story feel to it, and the way you incorporated a lesson, or moral into it. The character, Marvin, was very well thought out. I loved how you showed his change in character through the many events he went through. Matilda's character, at times, seemed sort of out of character with her dialouge. Other than that, the characters were good. Even for such a short story, this was a very very well done piece.beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 5, overall: 6, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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A good children's story with a good moral. I loved how all of the names of the mice started with the letter "m." Nice touch.
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Delightful.
A mean person can be brought to heel with a bit of deceit. They deceived him into believing that he had to be saved. It was an evil Cat and mouse plot. I would have let him continue to brag and boast. He did honestly think he was better than anyone else. Was Matilda's grand scheme to save the day any less of a brag? We can deal with pride and the proudful, but in some cases we have to misrepresent. It was a peaceful folly that saved the day. It was adequate. A beautiful tale for children.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, overall: 6, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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Excellent children's story, I loved your "long and swishy" description of Marvin's tail. The moral is also good for children. The only sentence that seemed a little awkward was "Mayor mouse smiled, this could work." I would write it in two sentences - Mayor mouse smiled. This could work. Anyways, that's just a small detail. Great story.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 8, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Wow
I really like this story! I felt like a little kid being read to! I think you should write childrens books! you just know how to put the characters into a situation that can help any kid learn a new lesson!! wow i really think that the plot is good to and the ending is just what a child needs to get a good lesson!! The child could learn a lot from this story!!!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 8, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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What an excellent children's story!
So excellent it made me feel like a child while reading it, and it's those stories that adults love to read to kids.
I loved the simple plot, and the length seemed appropriate. This was very well edited, no awkward parts. I especially enjoyed the part where the biting was described as lightly. Just the touch kids need.
Man, I'm putting so many of these stories in the finalists list, but they're all so good!beginning: 4, overall: 8, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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EXCELLENT!
A delightful story Chelsea ... and one with a moral as well.
Thank you for sharing.
Congratulations on the SILVER
A worthy recipient.
Take care,
Sammy -
Not quite what I was looking for but not a bad story. It was more of a children's tale. My one complaint would be the moral of your story. I know that it is "it's your heart that counts" but then you have the following line in there, " And though the mice lied, it made Marvin Mouse a better person." I just thought that might give out a wrong message, like lying is okay? Thanks for entering.
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i saw this and thought that i should let ya know that you should enter in my contest this seems really good and u got a great shot!
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A cute story, Chelsea and with a great moral. I like the way you named each mouse with the letter M ... it gives it a sort of lyrical charm without being lyrics
Good luck in the contest
Dee
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awww so cute! I really liked it. One thing is that the names all starting with 'M' and ending with Mouse got a bit confusing. But otha than that great!!!!
Good luck.
-Jillian -
A very well job done. The mouse was very sweet. great job, awesome story and I loved it. I really, liked when you said that Marvin the mouse was over proudy of his tail and considered himself the bravest amongst the other mouse. And that mouse with smallest tail gave him a great lesson. Great write up
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Geez, I should have known you were another Canadian without looking. I'm sure there are many who agree, and many more who will, "It is not the size of your tail that matters, but the size of your heart." Good story.
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Awwww.... what a cute story. And with a good message, too..just because we might have something nicer than others, doesn't mean it's okay to flaunt it. Having a good heart is indeed much more important
A good job, Music of Nature Thank you for entering and good luck....but don't forget to put your name and age at the end of your story as per the contest criteria
Granny Goose
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