Finding 2

It was late that night, almost close to midnight, when I got out of Randy Mores, one of my good friends’ car. I knew I had no business getting drunk and wasted like I was, but I didn’t know what came over me. I mean here I am, this sixteen-year old girl whose parents wouldn’t give the time of day to pay at least one second to. That’s my parents. My mom is a drunk, and my dad is as good as dead to me. You know you have this family that knows what’s wrong, but don’t pay attention to the problem. A family who is as twisted as yourself, but you know things will never go your way. I mean people be having these dreams about a happy family, and praying, and hoping, that someday they will have that family. Ha! Can you say “Sike”? You’ll never have it. I know I can’t, because I’ve been dreaming it my whole life, and look where I am now, in hell.1

As I got up to the porch, I made my way inside the small cramped trailer, and finally got myself to the one place I felt safe: the kitchen. I opened the silverware drawer and took out the BIGGEST knife that I could find, with my right hand. I was drunk, I wouldn’t feel what I was doing to my body I thought. I place the sharpness on my left wrist, and I pushed the knife down, and pulled it towards me.2

“Ohhhh.”3

Pain; I felt pain. Oh my god it feels good. Blood started dripping on the floor, little spots of blood, big spots. I heard some kind of noise, and when I looked over my shoulder, my mom was standing there in the doorway.4

“What the hell are you doing?”5

I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t say anything. It was like somebody glued my mouth shut. The knife dropped from my right hand and hit the floor, as my eyes locked with hers. I was just standing there, blood dripping to the floor, when my legs gave out, and down I went. All she did was look at me pretending she didn’t see the blood.6

“Get that shit out my floor before you go to bed” she said to me as she turned around, and walked back into her room.7

What? What in the Billy Bob did she just say to me? I know I didn’t hear her say, “get that shit up before you go to bed.” I know she sees the redness in my eyes, she knows what’s wrong, but she didn’t care. See this is the thanks I get for loving my mom, but, ha, I forgot: you can’t love somebody who doesn’t love you back. But it’s not like I can do or say anything, look at me, I’m drunk. Something I hope never happens to you. My head is spinning faster and faster every time I blink my eyes, like a damn roller coaster that needs to slow down, as more blood drips to the floor. I’m in hell, literally, I can feel myself burning next to the devil. The next thing I knew; it was dark, and I thought death was headed my way.8

“Dani?” a voice whispered in my ear. 9

I heard someone call my name, but it seem far away. Please somebody say it again.10

“Dani, come back to me.”11

There it goes again.12

“Listen, I know you’re in there, baby. Find my voice, listen to the sound and come back.. I love you, Dani, I love you.”13

That’s all it took. I was loved, I wanted to be, I needed to be, I had to be. My eyes started to blink and I heard the voice again.14

“Dani, come to me. Come to me!”15

My eyes popped opened, and the only face I saw, was the man that’s suppose to be my father, Lero. Why did I open my eyes in the first place? I don’t want to see him. Do you know how long it’s been since I seen his face? The longest time in history.16

“Dani, baby, you scared me have to death!” he said to me while looking in my eyes. “Are you ok?”17

What the hell is he doing here, I thought. I know he ain’t going to just pop into my life now, and think everything is going to be fine. Well it’s not. I haven’t seen Lero Jones since I was a baby, and even then I couldn’t even open my eyes. He can’t just come back after 16 years, and expect me to be grateful. It ain’t gonna work like that.18

“Where am I?” I asked weakly.19

“You’re in the hospital” he said sitting gently on the bed.20

“Why?”21

“You don’t remember?” Lero asked.22

“Remember what?” I answered.23

“Remember what you did to yourself?”24

“No. What did I do?”25

“You slit your left wrist.”26

I just started at him, wondering what he was talking about. I don’t remember anything. I must have been drunk when I did this, because this is very new to me.27

“What?” I said.28

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”29

“What do you mean?”30

“I mean there’s marks on your arms, I just wanna know where their coming from.”31

“You wanna know?”32

“Yes.”33

I didn’t wanna tell him, but why lie now? He’s not my father.34

“You wanna know that I’m suicidal?” I said.35

“You’re what?” Lero asked.36

He looked scared. I mean the man that’s suppose to be my father, looked scared. I guess he would have never thought I was the way I am. But what does he know? Not me of course, but I had to say what was on my mind.37

“You wanna know that every time that so-called mother of mine makes me mad, I go and cut my wrist, my arms, my legs? You wanna know that everyday I wake up, and pray that somebody will just kill right then and there? You wanna know all that?” I said as little drops of tears rolled down the side of my cheeks.38

Why am I crying? He’s not important to me, but talking about my ways to end my life, is just so emotional.39

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lero asked.40

My voice went from calm to anger, and I got the strength to sit up, and say what was on my mind, as more tears rolled down the side of my cheeks.41

“Tell you?! How was I suppose to tell you?! I didn’t even know where you were?! Where you lived?! If you was alive or dead?! Remember, you walked out on me! I was a baby! I’m the one in pain, not you! You act like you’ve been hurt 16 years of your life! You don’t know what hurt is, my friend!”42

“But why didn’t you tell me?” Lero shouted.43

What the hell is wrong with him?! Didn’t I just explained myself?! Do I have to explain myself again?!44

“Can you hear or do you just choose not to?! I said, you walked out on me when I was a baby! How the fuck was I suppose to know where you were, when I couldn’t even open my eyes? Well since you’re here now, I’ll tell you, Lero, that I am suicidal.”45

“What happened to ‘dad’?”46

Was this man crazy?! How can I call him ‘dad’, if he was never there? I’ll call a damn dog my dad, before I even think about calling Lero a father. He needs to know that what he’s saying wasn’t right. He’s not my dad.47

“I wouldn’t know. I don’t have one.”48

“He’s right in----“ 49

“He’s dead, is what he is.”50

Lero sighed, and raised up off the hospital bed, and walked to the window. The blinds were open as Lero looked out at the parking lot. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t even mumble anything. It was just complete silence coming from him. So I had to speak........again.51

“What? What’s wrong with you now?”52

“Nothing” Lero said as he turned to me.53

“No, come on. I wanna know. I’m grown now, I can handle it.”54

“You’re a kid, you won’t understand.”55

“I did a damn good job when you left. So I know I can handle this. So spill, say what you got to say.”56

“Ok” Lero said. “Why won’t you call me ‘dad’?”57

Here we go with this subject again. I just got done yelling it to him. I know he ain’t that forgetful. Guess I have to explain myself again. This will be the last time.58

“You were never around for me to say it. And I’m not gonna start just because you’re here, Lero. You’re not my father.”59

“I understand” Lero said.60

“About time.”61

“Were you drinking last night, when you did this to yourself?”62

“You don’t need to know that, Pops” I said being sarcastic.63

“But Dani, you’re my daughter, and I love you.”64

“I’m your daughter? I’m your daughter? Say those words out loud to yourself, and make sure you understand what you just said to me! I’m not your daughter, Lero, and you’re not my father. Get over it, okay? All I see in front of me is a man who thinks he has a daughter. As far as I concern, my so-called father is as dead as the world. Do you get it, Lero? You were never a father to me, never. Please don’t start because I’m lying on my death bed.”65

“Don’t say that, Dani. Please don’t say that.”66

“Why not? It’s true. You know that, as well as everybody else.”67

“Dani, please-------“68

“ Don’t call me that! Who the hell gave me that name?!”69

“Me.”70

“Why?”71

“Because I loved you enough to give you a damn name. Believe me, I know you didn’t want your mother to name you. She would have named you Vodka or something. You know how she is about liquor. I didn’t want that to happen to you. Do you believe me, Dani? Please say you believe me.”72

“I believe I want a new name.”73

“Well keep believing what you want, but you won’t get it, Sweetheart.”74

“Why are you you treating me like I’m your-----“75

“Daughter? Because you are. You can say that I’m not your father all you want, but that’s my blood running through your veins right now! If you cut, I’m still in you! Now you better think before you open your mouth back to your father. Now I know I wasn’t there for you like I should have been, but ask your mom what happen. I didn’t walk out on you.” Lero said.76

Ask my mom what happened?! Ask my mom what happened?! Is he crazy?! She’s half the reason why I have the words life and death running through my mind right now.77

“How can you ask a drunk where the father of her child is? Somebody please tell me, how can you ask a women who is always drinking, what happen to her child’s father?”78

It was true; how can you ask a drunk where the father of her child was? The answer she might give, might be the answer you’re looking for: dead. No more wondering if he’s thinking about him while you’re thinking about him. No more wondering if he loves you more than you love him. No more crying yourself to sleep at night, no more nothing.79

“Jail.” he said. “I was in jail.”80

“Don’t lie to me. Really?”81

Like I wanted to believe him. My thought is that he’ll make up any lie to try to get back into my life. But I had no choice, I couldn’t tell him the truth. The truth will hurt him.82

“Really, Dani. Your mom called the cops on me, saying that I beat her up, but really I wouldn’t buy her a twenty-four case of beer. And it makes no since why she would do that. To make the only child she had, grow up without a father.”83

“That’s pretty dumb if you ask me.”84

Actually it wasn’t dumb, she’s smarter than I thought. I would have probably done the same thing, if it was me, but it’s not.85

“Who you kidding? I’ve been locked up for sixteen years for that, and just got out a few weeks ago. What did your mom get out of this? A free case of beer, that’s it. I wanted to see you, Dani, I really did. I sent you letters, but your mom sent them back. With her own personal words. And it makes me mad as hell how she got away with it. The cops wouldn’t believe me for nothing. So I had to waste sixteen years of my life behind bars.”86

Ha! What do he think I’m stupid? He really loves me? Yeah right! I know better.87

“Do you still have them?” I asked.88

“Have what?” he answered.89

“The letters.”90

“Yes.”91

“On you?”92

“Of course.”93

Lero reached into his back right pants pocket and took out a thick stack of envelopes with his right hand.94

“Do you want them?” Lero asked.95

“If you don’t mind” I answered back.96

“No, it’s time you know the truth.”97

But if only he knew; I do. I do know the truth, and if I tell him the truth I know, oh boy, he’ll be crushed.98

Lero walked over to my hospital bed as I looked into his eyes. I have been sitting here fussing at Lero all this time. He held his right hand out with the letters in it, and I took them. I opened the first letter and read it out loud:99

9/5/89100

“Dear Dani,101

I know you’re only four-years old and you wouldn’t know what I was saying. I’m in jail, Dani. A place where they have bars on the windows, so Daddy won’t do anything bad. This is my first letter to you, because by this time I thought you could read. I miss you so much. I don’t know why your mom won’t take you to see me. She won’t even send me pictures. I dream about you every night. Wondering if you really know who I am, not just some name that comes out your mom’s mouth. I’m your Daddy, Lero Joseph Jones, and you’re my daughter, Dani Leslie Jones. I don’t know what your so called mom is to you anymore. I bet she is not even feeding you. Well I have to go, but I’ll write back soon. I love you, Dani, and I know you love me, too.102

Dad”103

“So?” Lero said starring me in my face.104

“I’m not gonna finish these letters right this very second, while you’re looking me deep in my face. So can I keep them and you can pick them up later? Like say tomorrow?”105

“Yeah, you can keep them, Dani, and I’ll pick them up later.106

“Thanks, Lero” I said as I sat the letters on the night stand beside the bed.107

“Still no ‘dad’, huh?”108

“My dad died, Lero. He’s no longer with me, only in the memories of my sad-ass mother. Not in my memories at all.”109

What didn’t this man get? He is not my father, so he just need to get over it. The idea of being a daddy has to come out that brain of his, because it won’t happen. He will never be a daddy.110

“I don’t understand why you won’t say it, Dani, but I guess I have to live the rest of my life without you calling me ‘daddy’. But you are my daughter, Dani, and I do love you with all my heart. And deep down inside that heart of yours, I know you love me too. I know you do, just admit it, and everything will be alright.”111

Here we go again with all that ‘I love you’ shit. Do I care? No! So I wish he get that word out his mouth, out his brain, out his dictionary, because ‘love’ is not in my vocabulary. Never was and never will.112

“I don’t love you, and I can’t love you, when I know you don’t love me. You’re just saying that because you know I need the love. You’re only saying that because you figured that mother of mine hasn’t said, ‘I love you’ and mean it.”113

And it was true, I haven’t been loved. I wanted to be love, but by my real father. What didn’t he get: the fact that he wasn’t my father? Or the fact is that I won’t call him what he wanna be called?114

“Believe it, Dani. I know you need the love, because I need it to. In case you haven’t notice, I have been locked up for sixteen years without anybody to tell me they love me beside the gay man next door. So please Dani, believe the words that are coming out my mouth: I love you! Now love me back, that’s all I ask from you!”115

“You want more than that from me! You want me to call you what you’re not and I just won’t do that. I can’t do that! So give it a break, Lero! If you’re not the father, you’re not the father. And you’re not my father! My father died sixteen years ago!”116

“What was his name?!” Lero shouted.117

“What does it matter?! He’s gone, dead and buried, never to be seen again! Just leave it be, Lero! Just leave it be!”118

“I have to go” Lero said walking in a circle in front of the bed. “ I have to get out of here.”119

Finally something him and I both agree on.120

“Bye!”121

Lero stopped walking around in a circle and looked at the door. And here I thought the worst was over, but this was just the beginning. Before Lero could take another step the door opened and the doctor came in. The doctor walked in and stood by Lero at the front of the bed. His face glued to the paper in front of him, he started to speak..122

“Hello, Dani. My name is Shawn Julius, the doctor, your doctor, whatever.”123

Shawn Julius looked to be in his late 20s or early 30s. He looked young to be a doctor from the way he look. He wore blue hospital pants with a matching shirt, and a matching blue jacket, with white shoes.124

“Hi” I said looking at him wondering if he would look up at me.125

“Are you the father?” the doctor said lifting his eyes from the paper, and locked his eyes with Lero’s.126

Before Lero could open his mouth and say a word, I spoke for him. I couldn’t let him say something dumb to the doctor and having them go through something, to prove something that’s not even true.127

“No, my father passed over to God, or the devil, sixteen years ago. Who knows?”128

“I’m sorry to hear that, Dani” the doctor said turning his attention to me.129

“It’s okay, really. I didn’t know him that well.”130

“Still sad, though, if you ask me.”131

But nobody asked him. I gotta stop with all this rudeness shit, before I say the wrong thing to the wrong person and get the mess knocked out of me.132

“Thanks” I said.133

“Sir, are you gonna stay?” the doctor said turning his attention back to Lero.134

Lero looked at me and then back to the doctor.135

“Yes, sir, if you don’t mind?”136

“Not at all.”137

“Ok” Lero said.138

“Shawn Julius, nice to meet you.”139

“Lero Jones, likewise.”140

Shawn Julius and Lero Jones shocked hands, and both of their attention turned towards me.141

“To continue with what I was going to say. Dani, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, and I know this is the last thing you need in your life, but......”142

“Just say it, Doc” I said.143

“You have a tumor growing inside your lungs, Dani.”144

I starred at him. My eyes about to burst into tears, while Lero starred at me without blinking his eyes. I continued to look at the doctor, until he spoke again.145

“You have cancer, Dani.”146

The words just came out his mouth with no feeling, like he didn’t care about what he just told me. Like he’s getting paid to play God. I wanted to jump out the bed and strangle him for telling me the last thing I wanted to hear in my doomed life. All I could do was yell.147

“You’re lying!”148

I didn’t wanna believe it. I have cancer? Come on now, who gets that now-a-days? Why did it have to be me? All the stories I heard about our God, why would he choose me to die, and not others? I guess it’s because I’m suicidal.149

“Why would I lie about something like this? This is the truth, you have cancer!”150

“I don’t believe you! So what my so-called mother put you up to this?! Trying to scare the hell out me?! Well, ha, it worked! Now run along and tell her!”151

“Your mother didn’t put me up to this, Dani.”152

I never thought I say this, and to the face of a doctor at that, but it had to come out.153

“We all have a death wish anyways, right? Mine is now.”154

“What are you talking about?” the doctor said. “You’re getting the treatment.”155

“How can you tell me what I’m getting? You’re not my father.”156

“But I am” Lero said.157

“Don’t get to full of yourself. You ain’t my father either.”158

“Yes, I am. And you need to start believing that.”159

“I’m not the one to be mean, but you pushed me too far.”160

“You’re a child, what are you going to do?”161

“You need to get the idea of being a daddy out of your head, because it will never happen. You will never be a father.”162

“Dani, you need the help” Dr. Julius said.163

“Don’t tell me what I need and don’t need ! I don’t want this treatment, your treatment, or the treatment my so-called father has! I wanna die from this cancer, and I wanna died ASAP! Now do you hear me or do I have to repeat myself?”164

“Dani, you have a problem” Dr. Julius said.165

“Ask me if I care? Because I don’t! There is nothing you, or that man who claims he’s my father, gonna do about it! Just leave it be!”166

“I didn’t want it to come to this, but, Dani, you left me no choice.”167

“Do you think you can over power me, Doctor? Take me advice, quit now while you still have your pride.”168

“I’m locking you down.” 169

“I can get out. Believe me, this ain’t the first time someone has “tried” to lock me down, and it won’t be the last. I always find a way to break free; always.”170

“You have to understand this, Dani. If you don’t get the treatment, you will die” the doctor said. “I know you don’t want that. Just think about having kids of your own, and telling them your great story of how you survived cancer. And they tell it to their kids, then they tell it to their kids. And soon it will be a tradition throughout your whole family.”171

The doctor had a pretty good idea. This story could be famous. I mean I wanna die, but living is better. I have tried many times to end my life, but never came close, until now. But the fact of living could be okay. Maybe I can give myself a deadline to when I should die. You know slip away from everybody. Lord, if you hear me now, please keep track for me. On July 8, 2009, will be the day I will slip away for good.172

“Okay, Dr. Julius. I’ll get the treatment. After that big long fight, I think I can live for a while.”173

“Try forever” Lero said.174

“Yeah, whatever. I said I’ll do it, so it’s done. Leave it be, just like that” I said. “So when can we get started?”175

“Whenever you feel up to it.”176

“Tomorrow.”177

“Then it’s done” the doctor said.178

It went silent all of a sudden, and then Lero spoke.179

“I want a blood test.”180

“Excuse me?” Dr. Julius said.181

Lero repeated his-self.182

What in the world is he thinking? Is he crazy? He’s just gonna end up in tears, and I don’t wanna have to be the one to say, ‘I told you so’.183

“What for I might ask?” I said.184

“I wanna prove something” Lero said looking at the doctor.185

“What?” the doctor said looking at Lero.186

“That I am Dani’s father” Lero said looking at me.187

My eyes went down and I was looking at my hands.188

“That’s impossible, Lero,” I said looking up, “my father’s dead.”189

“Where is he buried then?”190

“In hell, where my mother will join him.”191

“What is this all about?” Dr. Julius said looking down at me.192

“As said by my so-called mother, who drinks too much to remember who she slept with, told me that Lero is my father. I had doubts that she was telling th truth because she always drink. So I told myself, my mom, and everybody else who asked me where my father was, that he was dead. I believed it so much that I sang myself to sleep every night with those words” I said.193

“I am your father, Dani.”194

“No you’re not!”195

“Yes, I am, and I’m gonna prove it to you!”196

“Prove it to who? I know the truth!”197

“Not the whole truth!”198

“So help me God, I do!”199

Now I know I’m going to hell. I know the truth, but if I tell Lero the truth, things will go down hill. I can feel it. And if I tell ya’ll, I know ya’ll be piss.200

“So is he your father?” Dr. Julius asked.201

“To me my father is dead. So no he is not my father.”202

“Answer the question; where is your father buried?”203

I won’t change my answer so I don’t know why he asking the same question.204

“In hell, where my mother will join him.”205

“Did your father died sixteen years ago?” Dr. Julius asked.206

“To me he did, but to everyone else, he didn’t.”207

“Tell the truth, Dani!” Lero shouted.208

“I am telling the truth! The truth I know that keeps me going! And that is that my father is dead! Gone, buried, never to be seen again! Just let it go, Lero!”209

“I am your father!”210

“Stop repeating it because it ain’t true! Mom was a whore, I could be anybody’s child, Lero!”211