Never Ending Love

I didn't want to feel abandoned... I didn't want to feel alone... I was sitting there staring blankly unable to say what I wanted. No... needed to say to you those words on the tip of my tongue the words that could have released you. Why did I hesitate? The rain begins to fall crying with me hiding my tears as I run from the horror, the pain, and the guilt. I am the one who started it all and I was the one to end it. How could I have been so foolish? How could I have been so selfish? Using you and everyone around me for whatever came into my head. How come realizations always have to come so late... too late it's all too late there is no turning back time there is no going back and apologizing... Even if... even if... Oh God... Even if you were still... alive... you would never want to listen to me after all that you learned. Is it true then? That I am hated now? Yes, I am hated I am released again from a different life but how will I carry on now when again I fell in love. 1

Love has always been my undoing this obsession that consumes my heart and soul and body. I need fulfillment yet even when I get it, it is a temporary relief and then it comes back aching even more so than before... What am I rambling on about now why is it affecting me even greater than all the other times before? What made you so special? No, I should not even ask such a demeaning question I already know the answer to... Your innocence that was there no matter what life threw at you, your never ending beauty that seemed to shine through with your personality, and the way you laughed and cried and loved all of your emotions that you saved for me... and only me. I betrayed you and I let you fall into the darkness that should have been my fate... 2

Look now it is snowing my tears have frozen like my heart has I am the one who causes all the pain I have no right to blame anyone else for it. Especially not you... my angel that came to rescue me... the one that should have lived perfectly. I was the one who was supposed to die... but I wonder even if I had been in that path... would I really have died... when I have lived for thousands of years and have had countless deaths and rebirths I wish to know what it would have been like to sleep forever. Perhaps I will look into it I will meet you in eternity... or perhaps I wont... am I even worthy to go where you go? You who seemed perfect and without flaws... so forgiving and loving and just plain adorable... you will surely be accepted into heaven. Yet me with all my sins all the pain I have caused others the countless people I have killed or condemned the only thing waiting for me is Hell... oh but am I not already in hell these fires that burn within me and keep giving me life over and over again.3

I hear screaming and I drop to my knees realizing it is my own... I can't take anything anymore I don't know how to handle these overwhelming thoughts and emotions. I have lost everything that was dear... no is dear... I will never forget you my angel. Time will pass and the pain will dull yet this time I don't want to forget you, or your voice, or your touch. I will always compare others with you... because you are my mold of perfection and I swear I will not rest until I find you again... either in life or in death. I will search for my death and if you can... if your soul is willing... you can search for life to come back to me again so that I may repent by doing all I can for you. This is my promise to you... mark this day... your death day... and my day of binding. I am the phoenix demon forever bound to your soul of the silver angel.4