I never meant to turn out the way I did. Or the way I feel I did, anyway. It was a mistake. I started off at a young age being really hard working. I was silent but I was hard working. I used to think that work was everything and in ways I still do now, but things have changed. 1
Things would never had gone wrong if he hadn't hurt me. In fact, things wouldn't have gone wrong if a couple of things didn't happen. If I wouldn't have been hurt by her, sexually, if I hadn't been ridiculed by those in my old school because I was 'blind'. Is visually impaired really blind? No, but that didn't matter to them. Nobody understood, nobody cared... 2
Then there was him, when I started my new school. Kind at first but he's turned round, he was so lovely to me... But then he begun to get violent and aggressive, threatening and over-sexual. Why did this always happen to me? Why did it always happen when things begun to go right? Due to the cruelty of people and the unluckiness of me I have become what I have always hated. A liar, a cheat... The things I wish I'd never turn out like. I still love him, or do I? Do I know what love is? I say I do, but I have so many guys who say they love me and I tell them I love them, it's the affection... I need it, it moves me. Anything to be given a bit of love... What a flirt I have turned out, what a filthy flirt... It's a wonder the one boy who never hurt me still likes me... But he does, because he believes I am not that bad... But he doesn't know me.3
The one that hurt me, James... Well, he wasn't the only one who hurt me. Imagine a 13 year old being touched up by a 16 year old boy. His name was Karl, or is, Karl because he still exists in my life. I was going out with him at the time but yet that doesn't make an invitation for that kind of behaviour. He frightened me, he made me feel used... Although this was only one incident, which in a way didn't make it feel as bad as the incident with James... Because James was a long-term thing. But it certainly opened up the gates for James to devour every human feeling...4
Now i'm the one who wants control. I'm the sex fiend who steals a mans heart, a mans sexuality... To mock and hurt him, before he does it to me. I can feel their sexual desires and I use them for my own gain. What a cruel way to be, but what a way I am. They lavish on sex, males, in general. To find a male who doesn't lavish on sex is rare. But even if they didn't, i'd beat them. Not phisically, like with a bat, but emotionanlly... Kill them inside. Make their heart bleed as bloody a death as my heart has for the last couple of years. 5
All I ever asked for was for James and I to be together. For him to trust me and for us to see eachother... But it couldn't be. His parents never liked me and then, he started distrusting me... So nothing could go the way I wanted it... I couldn't have a happy love life or atleast a normal one. I was bruised and my heart is bruised from all the past, it makes me rough. Because in my heart that is the only way I can survive. The need to endure unto others as I felt myself. What a death I am sending people to and myself... I wish it didn't have to be this way...6
Author notes
Sort of a narrative...
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Intriguing
It's sad that things like this happen but everyone's so scared to say anything about it that it continues to lie under the radar.
I think you really brought it to the surface when you explained the emotional trauma. I, myself, have suffered through something similiar and it is in no way pleasing.
Very enriching. -
I no how you feel. This may not be very critical, but there's enough of that in the world. Something like happened to me. but it was my fault. it was all my fault. After a couple of months the pain gets unbearable, and i cry. I beat myself up inside when i do this. It's so weak, so insecure. But not crying. I tried that to. It took me months to get back the ability. It made me so depressed (well, more than i was already) and i had no release. I'm surprised i survived that un-mutilated. But it made me tougher. The Daemon stirrs.
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This is much better. Thank you for making the adjustments.
I really love your honesty about who you are. Most people can't admit these things even to themselves let alone to other people. You have opened yourself completely, and I admire that.
It seems as if you have been used and now you do the using. I can certainly understand that. I know how it feels to care so much for someone who eventually turns his back because of things others say. It's very sad that people feel the need to hurt relationships and friendships because of their own feelings.
Again, I'd like to thank you for entering this piece in my contest. I do appreciate your working on it to make it better. You do have such potential, and I hope you will continue to work on it! Hugs, Patricia -
As Patricia said, this piece has a lot of potential yet needs a lot of tightening up. You might want to read Writers' Seven Deadly Sins. Go to my Author page, under My Lists and click on category Helpful Hints for Writers Aspiring to be Authors. Best wishes in the contest!
Love and hugs, B♥nnieQ
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Your piece has 291 words. It needs to be at least 500 to be considered. I'm sure you should have no problem at all stretching this out to fit.
Your piece has potential, and I would like to see you expand it. It would be easier to read if you would break it down into separate paragraphs. If you will add to this and clean it up, I will be delighted to read it again before final judging. Just let me know when you have made your changes. Thank you for entering. Hugs, Patricia
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