Paxil Cr - what a trip

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I had been taken Paxil cr 25 mg and Clonazephem 1 mg for almost seven months, then poof an episode of Hypomania settled into every aspect of my being. I had no idea that I was experiencing Hypomania, until I saw my councilor and he said "It sounds like you are experiencing mania" I'm certian my eyes jumped out of my sockets. Well, they felt like they did, anyway. After months of being told I am fine I just have PTSD, a low grade depression thing going on with a side kick affliction of DID that has been going on for most of my life, the why's are not important at the moment. 2

But just imagine, you have been told for months (reassuringly that) you are not scysophrinic (I can't even spell it, the inability to spell it maybe imbedded in the section of my brain that stores and releases fear with a will that is free to torment all other sections), you just have a low mild depression and a case of DID in my case filled with several MPs. Now he sits in front of you as you are babbling like a mad woman running an out of control auction, I can't feel my body, I don't feel like my brain is any longer neslted in my skull 'Like it escaped or something, maybe through and earlobe or out a nostral' Whatever... it just don 't feel like it is where it is supose to be. My kids are telling me, I look like and am acting stoned. You couldn't pay me to tote a blunt, if that's even the right lingo for the trip.  When I can feel something it's shrouded in numbness with motions of faintness that pass through me like a traveling wary spirit on a hunt for over exerted energy that leaves me with the jitters. The laughing; while, that's the worst and the baffling confusion of how seriousness and commitement can pivot into a state of blissful never ending laughing and I just don't give a damn 'my cheek bones hurt, it's the only pain I can feel, I don't like it, but still I just don't give a damn kind of thing.' Now for the funny stuff, deoderizing the cat  , talking to vegitables and whatever else I knew didn't have the intellect to converse back, and the grandeur joking with the kids 'Which is at the point I figured out where my brain went, I was dribbling the damn thing like basketball from hand to floor, the globe trotters would have been jealious from the perfection of it. It was like discovering a free basketball, hiddin in my skull, it fell out into my hand and I began to dripple it like a happy lunitic'  3

Oh, back to the word Mania and it's mere mention. Mania, what was this guy saying. Instant thought, CRAZY, I've gone crazy. I went from everything with me is fine, just need a bit of a mental tune up. Now I'm feeling like I need a major mental tune down. The look on my face must have let him know, I needed instant input. He explained that Mania is when your mood level gets to high, to happy. Well, I never heard of such a thing. I mean when was the last time you heard someone say "I'm so happy, I can't take it anymore, it's killing me" (never mind handle it or control it)4

Sleep, well sleep for me is not a problem, I don't sleep. There are other aspects who have a problem with this, but that's their problem. But even I will sleep evey few nights, it's only right for the body's sakes to give into it. But there was no sleep, during this Mania, an extra clean house, but no snoozing.5

Now, if I was someone who thought and liked the feeling of being high from sunrise to sunset and the hidden time between the two, I'd have no problem. I hate high, I hate it, I hate it.  Talking like a verbal crossword puzzle, thoughts coming in so fast, stuff to say, 'only sounding like a imbecile as words appear in thoughts and disappear on their way out of the mouth' Now, if it was all recordered and transcribed for an  English teacher to read. She would read it, shaking her head, and saying "ta-ta" circling each sentence with a line waving out to the side of the page and largely writing IS after every period if she could only fine one, coma's Ha-ha, If I will not pause for my own thoughts neither will anyone else. With and End Note: Several verbs and subject matter missing, grading it with an 'F' for flying to high..  Possibly. 6

As if this wasn't bad enough, after a week or so, I call and talk to my legal drug supplier, at this point, isn't that what he really is? "Hello, I'm High and how are you?" His solution, stop the Paxil CR ASAP. "Okay doc, no problem."  Compling like a drone, blindly, I find myself plunging into a hell, a hell I had no idea existed. If my body was numb before this phone call,  I was wrong, unless I have just merely reached an all new demensional level of numbness, with a sick nauseating spin, be it sitting, standing or walking. To run I wouldn't even try it, to think of doing it, I would probably just fall over, if I could get up. If I have an hour of productive engery a day, I am feeling blessed at this point. The first two days of not taking the Paxil CR my head throbbed and my skull I was sure had cracked into slivered vine like sharp crators. My son, bless his soul:    said that he believed he had one of those headaches awhile back and reasured me my skull was fine, and I asked him how he knew, and he said because mom, when I had that headache just to see if it was cracked or would crack and shatter under my hair and skin, I banged my head into the wall several times and nothing happened. I took him for his word, my skull was fine and will not shatter.  7

So for the past week I have just been traveling from the sink to make sure at least the kids have clean dishes to eat off of and the bed were I lay like a zombie, in the mist of a revalation "I must be dead and wrapped with linings soaked in teething gel." Well, I can say it like that because even my gums are numb. Although, the hot flashes really s*ck, but the creeping freezing feeling that occationally travels from my brain during one of these very hot flashes and spreads out to my arms and legs, disappearing as quickly as it arrives is kinda cool. Hey, if ya in a position where ya being tortured by whatever means I guess, ya have to find something ya like about it. I see the cold shivers as an act of  mercy (A moment of peace from the burning feeling) sent by some place of deeply hidden in the brain.   8

Those brain zapping things are the freakest, it's like my brain has lost connection to my body and doesn't know what the hell is up. 9

So I call to wish one of my sisters a Merry Christmas, and I go into how I'm feeling and how the pychatrist has told me to stop the Paxil, and she was calmly irrate about it I could tell because she told me to tell him to call her and she will re-educate him on the dangers of instantly stopping any SSRI, exspecialy Paxil and give him a lesson or two in symptomatic withdrawels which is really an addiction to the Paxil. You know, you take herione (Which I have never done), you come to find you are addicted and all them years ya parents, teachers and the media and now even the governement telling ya, this stuff is bad, you can get so easily addicted and there will be withdrawel symptoms if you try to stop and the herione is like "OH my God!, Why didn't I listen, Oh, yes, I did listen, I just didn't believe it or maybe I just didn't care, I forget" But I asked my doctor if this paxil was addictive and she said "No", when it comes time to take you off it, you will feel some side effects.10

Pooh, back to what I was saying, before I got side tracked. Anyway,  my sister, who is much smarter than this idiosous psychatrist, said he should have tappered me off the Paxil (I assume that means weined like a baby)  So she tells me to take my left over paxil and cut it in half and take one everyday, to lesson the withdrawel symptoms. But, I'm like I have already survived a week of it, why would I want to take more and prolong the torture of getting it completely out of my system. Then she she tells me the bad news, obviously I knew nothing about; however, could explain the psychatrists intertest in, if I always had someone around, so I wouldn't be alone. Being the smart-ars I can be at times I said " I am never alone, that's my problem " my back thoughts " Hello, doc, I have MPD " But he was happy to hear that I am never alone and didn't catch on to the meaning of "I am never alone." Yeah, the reason for his concern, voiced to me by my sister. A sudden drop in mood, deep depression. I take it, it's the big moodish slam dunk of all times. So we go back and forth a bit about it. What interest me the most was when she said, Paxil isn't like other SSRI's it targets several neurotransmitters or somethnig to that effect and is the worst SSRI to go off of.11

Ever feel like someone just shoved a huge pulsating question mark in your head that flashes with those irritating neon colors "WHAAAT? you say!" "Uhm, Daaah, can you re-transmit that, come back please... My comprehension just got scrambled" Anyhow she explained it,  not that I can re-explain it. This is what I got out of it. There are neuro-somethings, several of them like 27 in ya brain that have different functions or maybe it was that the Paxil hit 27 of them, okay, so I says to her what happens if some of ya neuro's aren't screwed up and ya taking this Paxil just for maybe one or two screwed up neuro's? She comes back with "Well, there all screwed up now." Looking back over the last few weeks, this does appear to be the case. So what I  have now to look forward to is a mental dive into a deep bottomless pit of depression, which I know could take me back to that place, but deeper this time, to the place I call Suicidel (V) Alley, or the Valley of Death. But I'm thinking I already feel dead so, that should keep the edge off from doing the feared no-no I can only hope so, anyway. 12

I  tried to get her to agree with me that I should go to the hospital and demand an IV flush, to get this paxil out of my system faster, but she insisted that would not work.  The beleif that Paxil doesn't cause episode of mania from my experience is false because I never had one before I started taken the paxil, I never had the jitters, or was giddy in anyway, I never felt high. That's why I suspect people always said I am boring. I was told the Paxil would elevate me from my depression (PTSD) anxiety and panic attacks and those occational fainting spells that left me on the floor shaking like an epileptic, only to wake and barf, feeling clamy and looking pale.13

So, I am left with the delima of do I want to try another med. Lithium was mentioned and the possibility of re-introducing the paxil at a later date    and see what else can happen to me, have another med. not work out and go through more withdrawel episodes. I have had depression all my life, maybe that is just the way I am suppose to be and I should leave it at that. 14