If A Tree1
"Willie!" she called out. "It's Christmas Eve and the folks are all coming tonight and you haven't got a tree yet. Would you kindly get off your lard ass and fetch one please?"2
He put down his Soldier of Fortune(S.O.F.) magazine and capped his Royal Reserve(R.R.) bottle with a fairly steady hand. "Yes Dear." he replied, saluting. S.O.F. always got him like that. He picked up his modified Rambo knife(He had a flashlight duct taped to the handle.) and went out to the garage, making sure the survival kit was in his heavily modified(Chrome coil.) Aspen station wagon which he personally had designed the armour system(Coke signs over the back windows.) for. He connected the battery cable(Anti theft system.) and started it up, backing out from under the car port. As he turnrd toward the mall he checked his Under Seat Weapon Cache(U.S.W.C.)(Baseball bat.) to make sure the kids hadn't taken it again to play games with.3
As he pulled onto the mall lot he noticed a large truck which was pulling a small camping trailer heading off the lot and onto the highway. "Damn!" he hollered over Ozzy's screaming about fairies wearing boots, "Missed the Christmas tree guy."4
"Screw it." he thought uncapping his reserve bottle of Royal Reserve from the glove box. "I'll proceed with plan B. I'll cut my own damn tree. There's a folding saw in the survival kit. And the wench said I'd never need it." He shot a finger off in the general direction of home.5
His original plan B, let's call it B1 was to drive out to a farm near where he was raised, where he knew there were some nice spruce trees growing. He was well on his way, drinking and singing along with all the old greats, Bee Gees, Manilow, etc. when he suddenly rrealised there was a great little plantation near every off ramp, courtesy of the Ministry of Transportation and Communications(M.T.C.) just waiting to be harvested. Plan C!6
He stopped at the next interchange and climbed over the bank. Just as he was about to start sawing at a likely looking pine another car pulled up behind his. A figure exited it and started following his tracks. Thinking quickly he tossed his saw and pulled his wang out. He was noisily urinating when the party from the car came up on him. He could see a uniform behind the flashlight. R.C.M.P. he thought.7
"Good evening constable." he smirked. "Just watering my horse."8
"More like a pony if you ask me." she replied.9
"By the time he had it tucked away, still running it was so small he never would have been able to find it with a magnifying glass."10
"You haven't been drinking?" she asked.11
"Oh no." He replied. "Im a family man. I'm just fetching a Christmas tree for my folks from a farmer I know down the road."12
"I see. Well, drive carefully. And do up that zipper."13
She was sitting there talking into her radio mic and eating a doughnut as he drove off."14
Back to plan B.15
The farm was right where he remembered it and even though he had pitched the folding saw back by the highway he still had the wire saw in the handle of his Rambo knife. Thank God for his Rambo knife. Without it and its trusty bottle opener who knows what would have become of him.16
He snuck out in the field behind the barn. There it was just like he remembered, the reforested area he used to play in. The only thing was, he remembered nineteen sixty eight. It is now two thousand and four. Those suckers are eleven inches through and forty feet high. "That makes the top ten feet perfect." he thought as he began to climb. At thirty feet he took out his Super Mag Light for a quick peek. As if in answer a light came on in the farmhouse across the corner of the field, then another, then a yard light. "Boom."17
"Twelve guage." he thought as he tumbled to the ground, breaking branches as he fell. Fortunately the snow was deep and he was unhurt; up and running for his car after giving his head a couple of good shakes. He could hear something starting up in the farm yard. It looked like an ancient Ford half ton coming out of the drive. He booted it for town.18
By the time he got to the highway he had that old Dodge floored and thought he was home free. Then a set of headlights appeared in the mirror. There were red and blue lights above them. Another set joined the chase. Another, then yet a fourth.19
He was so scared and excited he missed his turn and plowed over the rail at the interchange. Something hit his front bumber and banged onto the roof, lodging there. As he crossed the mall parking lot he quietly prayed that it wasn't some hitch hiker, homeward bound for Christmas. He'd read about something like that somewhere.20
As he pulled into the car port and killed the lights she opened the door from the kitchen. The whole family poured out behind her.21
"Awesome tree." muttered Cousin Biff. "Let's set the bugger up and get pissed."22
Author notes
But really folks, I'd like to invite you to download my cavourite Christmas song, by me, with me doing the voice of Santa, here. www3.sympatico.ca/ltilander/cedric.htm and to read my Snow Flowers Christmas story here, www3.sympatico.ca/ltilander/snowflowers.htm happy Christmas.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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I never saw anyhting so silly as those people who all of a sudden 'had to have' Rambo knives.
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Actually, there is a story, not really too amusing, but kinda homey concerning our recording our Christmas songs and the US federal prison system.
We were in Nashville, recording the song I provided the link to and 4 others for Christmas and although we didn't know it the studio musician we had playing bass was on work release from prison and had to just go from the prison to the studio and back. It was in the fall, September, I think; certainly not anywhere near Christmas, so we decorated the studio a bit. (Including holly nicked from Barbara Mandrel's garden, but that's another story.) Anyhow, when the people from the prison called to aske what time to pick him up we found out that he was an inmate, then when he went to leave he came over and thanked us for the best "Christmas" he'd had in years. It was pretty emotional and thought provoking. -
Yippee!
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Tickle around the tummy... That sounds like fun too!
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Tree nappers! I've been thinking of planting a few acres of Christmas trees, but hesitate because of the headaches it might cause.
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Yes, I was in a rush and forgot to clock "STORY". We'll likely be allright though.
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Mother Goose not wanting stories? Sounds... antithetical or something.
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Gee, what's a computer for but downloading songs? Glad you were amused.
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I know a lot of folks who would think that a normal Christmas Eve. Glad you liked.
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Very good!
Hooray!!! -
outstanding
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loved it
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great
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hey the best trees are the ones we hunt down.
nice story to be read this time of the year.
thanks for the tickle around the tummy now...
chunkle chunkle
;O
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Reminds me of someone.
This reminds me of the time a guy from across the street in the city where I lived went out to get a Christmas tree. He was a young guy and the bunch of girls wanted a tree. So he cut one down in the city park. Boy was the park police pissed but we got our tree and he got arrested but we prevailed upon the judge to be kind to him. -
This should be entered into the story catagory. It was a hilarious write. I enjoyed all of the abbreviations. Great job.
Happy Holidays
~Christopher -
brill!
oh brilliant! i love it! such a well written story. i actually didnt want to read this cause i thought it would be a story...but i read it and it was brill!!! a great write!! held my attention throughout. -
you've taken the character on one hilarious run here
you've taken a drunken, selfish (somewhat obsessive)person and made him interesting. your story held my attention clear to the end. fitting ending too
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Love this, it's written well and the humour that courses throughout the plot is well thought out. I didn't quite understand the last line, so the punch line has been lost on me I think, lol. But I still enjoyed it ~ Osarkon
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A nice write. Very believable and entertaining. We do tend to procrastanate and then get crazy at the last minute. You did a great short story that many would be unable to do in such a way.
~~~POO~~~ -
Lolloved the ending, the rest was a build up worth reading for the funny line. I also liked the line
Without it and its trusty bottle opener who knows what would have become of him.
when referring to the Knife.
Great Work
XXX -
Didn't realize this was a story-thought it was going to be a poem-will be back to finish reading-an interesting survivor kit this fellow carries-I'm assuming a guy wrote this...but I'll be back -I'd like to hear the Christmas Story, as well.~vj
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Ho ho ho merry Christmas!
Interesting anecdote. I know of many others who weren't as lucky, and are going to be spending the Christmas Eve and Day, and maybe many more, in places such as Georgia State Prison, Rogers and Smith, and many county jails and juvenile detention centres. People, don't forget that ministry to the prisoners is a Christian tradition. Find some time to send a Christmas card to a prisoner, if you can't get out there and visit them. -
Oh lord that was funny. I had not intentionally clicked (you know how the mouse slips sometimes?) I think today it knew something I didn't, there was a funny story here begging to be read.
this was a great way to really get my day rolling!
Mery christmas and good luck with the tree!
Susan -
That was funny and amusing throughiout the entire story. A nice little laugh there. Unfortunately i really can';t download songs but i'll trust that it is a go0od song though
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