Evie- voice of a 13 year old Judas pt 1

As far back as I can remember, I never had anyone who really loved me. No one has ever looked out for me, made me feel safe and protected, even when I was a little girl. It's always been up to me to take care of myself, watch my own back. If I didn't, no one else would bother, that was for sure.1

What about your parents, you're probably thinking. Surely your parents love you. Surely your parents take care of you. You're exaggerating. Trust me, I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. I never met my father- don't even know his name. Neither does my mother Kaya for that matter. I know she didn't want me- maybe that's why she doesn't give a shit about me now. I don't know why she didn't have an abortion- it would have saved us both a lot of misery.2

Kaya never tried to hide her disgust for me. I mean, come on, the woman named me Eve, Evie for short, after the first woman in the Bible, who brought sin to all mankind. Shows how she thought I'd turn out, and I guess I'm doing a nice job proving her right. 3

She never did the things all mothers do for their kids, like make me meals, fix my hair, ask me how my day went. I learned early on to do for myself or go without. I can't remember her ever hugging or kissing me. On the other hand, Kaya never beat me either, except for once, which I'll get to later. For the most part she simply ignored me, acting like I was not her daughter, as though I didn't even exist. She bought me clothes, allowed me to live in her house, but other than that she might as well have been alone still. Which was exactly how she liked it.4

I remember feeling this awful aching pain in my chest when I saw other girls with their mothers in public. They looked so happy, so normal- and they didn't even see how lucky they were. When I heard girls like that complain about their mothers, I wouldn't say anything, but I felt this burning rage at them for being so spoiled. They ought to trade their lives with me and see who was more miserable!5

Around the time I was eleven, Kaya suddenly started drinking like crazy. She'd never been one of those dingy Christian teetotalers, but now she drank beer like water. I often found her stumbling around the kitchen, muttering to herself and swearing at me before passing out. I learned to ignore her; Kaya was in even less of a mood to deal with me when she was drinking.6

It was around then she started to bring home men. Every few days when I got home from school, it was a new one. Most either ignored me or gave me a creepy smile and stared way more than I was comfortable with. Some even found excuses to touch me, squeezing my shoulder or patting my head, slapping my butt. I'd jerk away as fast as I could and go to my room. I hated them to touch me. Kaya didn't like it either- I'd catch her glaring at me, her eyes narrow slits. Then she'd find some way for them to leave me- drinking in teh living room until one or both passed out, or going to the bedroom and shutting the door. Either was fine with me, as long as she kept her newest out of my sight.7

One day when I was 11, she brought home another boyfriend/drinking partner. His name was Reid. He was one of the ones who smiled, his eyes lingering on my chest and butt as he said hello. He gave me shivers. I figured he, like the others, would last a week or two at the most. I was wrong. A month, then two, passed, and Reid was showing up every day. Then before I knew it, he'd moved in with us.8

I couldn't believe he'd lasted so long. What made him so different from the others? From what I could see, nothing- he drank, had sex with Kaya, and didn't have a job. What attracted her to him? Then again, what attracted him to her? The only thing I could see was her house and job. And maybe me... he hadn't stopped watching me, though he was sneakier about it now. 9

One day, I came home from school to find Reid in the kitchen, leering at me as I walked by. I knew Kaya wasn't home yet to distract him, so I tried to walk past him quickly to my room. But his arm snaked out and caught me by the elbow.10

" Where you going so fast?" he slurred, his beer breath making me recoil in disgust. I tried to pull loose, but his grip tightened.11

" You're a standoffish little thing, you know that?" he said. " Why, we've been living together 3 months and we ain't even got to know each other yet."12

" Let me go," I said quietly, trying to wrench free. He just laughed.13

" But I want to get to know you, Evie. Don't worry, it'll be fun..."14

With that, he turned and hauled me into Kaya's bedroom. I was terrified. I knew what was coming. I wasn't 12 yet, but I had seen movies and heard enough to know. I fought him wildly, kicking and screaming, but I was a scrawny 11 year old, and he was a grown, drunk man...15

After that first time, when we were alone in the house, Reid took the opportunity to get to know me better. I always tried my hardest to stop him, but it was a wasted effort- he was going to get what he wanted. One time when I was fighting him and knocked over a beer bottle, shattering it, he became so enraged he seized a shard and sliced the skin open behind my ear. It bled a lot and was really painful. I learned after that it was better to just let him do what he wanted. Sometimes I even acted as though I enjoyed it, because he was more likely to be satisfied and leave me alone. I learned how to play Reid to some degree...16

I never told Kaya, or anyone, for that matter, about Reid. I knew she wouldn't believe me, or if she did, she'd blame me, not Reid. I had no idea what Kaya would do if she discovered the truth...17

I was soon to find out. One day when I had just turned 12, Kaya walked in on Reid and me. Just as I'd predicted, she was furious- at me. She flew into a rage, shrieking that I was a whore, a slut, evil, vicious, that I was jealous of her and trying to win against her by stealing her boyfriend. She told me I was ugly, a monster, a vindictive tramp who should never have been born. As she was speaking, she was so livid her face was scarlet, and she sprayed me with spittle as she shouted. The whole time she screamed I was crying, pleading with her to listen to me, that I didn't want to, but Kaya refused to listen. She slapped me across the face, hard. I could only stand there, stunned. She had never hit me before- I couldn't remember the last time she'd even touched me. As I was thinking this, she hit me again, then once more. Reid lounged on the bed, a satisfied, amused smirk on his face. I hated him, and my mother, so much then, but even more, I was afraid of what she'd do to me.18

She soon told me. After she called me every name I'd ever heard, plus several I hadn't, she screamed for me to get out of the house. At first, misunderstanding, I was only too glad to comply. But when I meekly asked when I could return, she shrieked never, that she would kill me if she saw my face again.19

" I don't care where you go or what you do," she raged, " but you'll never set foot in this house again! You aren't my daughter!"20

I was stunned. I had completely been caught off guard by this. I had known if she ever found out about me and Reid, it would be bad- but I had never expected to be kicked out of my own house! I knew she really meant it too- she wasn't just saying it out of anger.21

I pleaded with her to change her mind, crying, telling her I'd be good, I'd do whatever she wanted, I'd never even look at Reid, if she would just let me stay. But my pleas didn't sway her. She grabbed me roughly by my arm and propelled me out of tht room, down the hall, and through our front door, locking it behind me. At 12 years old, I was homeless. I truly had nowhere to go...22

I didn't know what to do. Where was I supposed to go, with no money? I couldn't even get a job- I was only 12 years old! I didn't even know of any relatives I could stay with.23

Then I had an idea. I DID have a relative-one- that might possibly let me live with her. My cousin Brooke didn't live too far from me- maybe she'd let me stay. I couldn't be sure, of course. Although she was my cousin and lived in the same town, I had not seen Brooke since I was eight. Kaya had never been one to keep up with family, and especially Brooke, whose own parents had disowned her. I wasn't very clear on why. We don't exactly have a close family that tells each other everything. The last time I had seen Brooke she'd been 23, so that would make her 27 now. I didn't even know if she was married or had kids. I hoped she didn't, and that she'd be willing to take me, if only until I could figure out somewhere else to go.24

I walked down the street in search of a phone booth. I didn't have a quarter, so I had to beg one off an old man when I finally found one. He looked at me rather suspiciously. Then I realized I didn't even know Brooke's phone number, so I had to look it up in the phone book, praying she hadn't changed her name. Sure enough, though, when I turned to the T's, Brooke Tydllem was listed. Crossing my fingers and taking a deep breath, I dialed her number. 25

" Lo?" she said in a spacy sounding voice. Not drunk, just....weird. I was later to know that was Amy's stoned voice.26

" Hello? Brooke?"27

" Yeah...who's this?"28

" I'm your cousin, Evie Zamboya. Brooke, I'm on a pay phone outside the McDonald's in Reynolds."29

" Evie... hi!" she said slowly. " What's up?"30

" Um, I wanted to ask you something. Uh, for a favor. It's really important."31

" Favor... what is it?" Brooke asked warily.32

" Uh, Kaya... my mom... she kind of kicked me out of the house. She won't let me come back. I'd really appreciate it if I could maybe stay with you for a while... I'll pay you. I'll do chores and everything. I'm sorry to ask you, but I really don't have anywhere else to go," I said, my face red with embarrassment. Here I was, not having seen her in four years, and I was begging her to let me move in.33

" What? Kaya kicked you out of the house? That bitch," Brooke proclaimed. I felt a warm rush of gratitude and relief at her words. She was on my side! " Yeah, you can stay all right, Evie. Fine with me. Us black sheep of the family gotta stick together, huh. What'd you od to get kicked out? What are you, eleven?"34

" Twelve," I said. " Uh, can I, can I call you back? I'm on a payphone."35

" Yeah, okay... where are you? I'll come get you."36

I told her again, then hung up. Before too long, Brooke had pulled up beside me, and I was climbing into her car, driving off to a new start.37

As it turned out, Brooke was very similar to Kaya in some respects, but her polar opposite in others. Living with her was certainly different. She was more like a sister or roommate than someone in authority over me. I learned almost right away that Brooke was an aspiring actress and model. She'd been in a few local productions but not made it big yet. She was sure that soon, she would get her big break- she just had to meet the right people. She told me that I too could be a model if I wanted to, that I was " sexy- you look much older than 12." I didn't know about that, but soon I warmed up to the idea.38

Brooke, I was relieved to discover, was single and childless. She did have a steady stream of boyfriends, but I was used to that. Most of them flirted with me and stared at my boobs, but to my astonishment, Brooke didn't mind. If anything, she encouraged it, laughing at them and winking at me. To their credit, none ever did more than "accidentally" brush me.39

Another frequent occurrence in life with Brooke was watching her drink and smoke, both cigerettes and marijuana. She couldn't believe it when I told her I'd never seen marijuana before, let alone used it.40

" Evie, babe, to be so nonsheltered, you're very naive," she laughed. " I can't believe you never tried it. Here, take some of mine- you get the most awesome feeling."41

I heistated, then accepted it, inexperiencedly lighting up and inhaling. at first I choked, but under Brooke's instructions, I soon got the hang of it. She was right. It did give you this amazing, floaty feeling. Everything else you seemed to forget except how relaxed you were.2042

I began to use with Brooke fairly often. It made me feel so much better... when she offered me alcohol, or any other drugs, I took them too. I had never understood what made Kaya so attracted to alcohol, but I soon got used to it as well. It made you loosen up, made you let go of your nerves and insecurities and just let it all hang out. The hangovers were hell, of course, but it was worth it to have that feeling as long as I could.43

I'd been living with Brooke around a week when she told me I'd better go back to school. If I didn't , the cops would come after me and make me. Not only would they find Brooke's stash, they'd probably take me back to Kaya- or a foster home. I certainly didn't want that to happen. I liked livng with Brooke. She was nicer to me than anyone had ever been, not that that said much. For the most part she left me alone and let me do whatever I wanted to. There were no rules in Brooke's house, spoken or unspoken. I looked after myself, like at Kaya's, but somehow it was different. Somehow I felt freer, and unrepressed, not lonely like I had at Kaya's.44

I agreed with Brooke that I should go back to school, but I decided I didn't want to go back to my old one. I would go to a new, neighboring school, that was only a little further than my old one. I wanted to make a new start, a new me, in school as well as in home. At my old school, I had been one of those kids who faded into the background. I hadn't really had any friends- no one even cared enough to really like or dislike me. I had not been an outcast, but I had definitely not been popular. I was sick of that. My whole life I'd always been like that, in home as well as in school. In this school, I was determined that I was going to be sexy, popular, the girl all the guys wanted and all the girls wanted to be. I was not only going to be cool, I was going to be the coolest.45

There was only one problem. In order to be cool and sexy, I needed cool and sexy clothes. There was no way I could get them- I had no money, and Brooke wasn't rich either. I didn't want to ask her to buy me clothes when she was letting me live with her.46

The only solution was to steal what I'd need. The day before I was supposed to go back to school, I had Brooke drop me off at the mall. With one of her oversized purses slung over my shoulder, I proceeded to do some serious shopping. I would go in the dressing room, take off tags, and either stuff them in my purse or put them on under what i was wearing. At the first store I was a nervous wreck, just knowing an alarm would go off when I walked out. I was so relieved when nothing happened. Teh best feeling rushed over me- almost a charge, a head rush. It wasn't unlike being high. I had not gotten caught- I could do this all the time!47

After the first store I wasn't even nervous. I strolled casually and repeated my routine from the first time, once again exiting without incident. By the time Brooke came to pick me up, I had quite a load. It didn't seem to strike her as odd that I had so much when I had no money- she just smiled and asked what I got. 48

When I started at my new school the next day, I sashayed through the halls boldly, head high, hips swaying in my new, super short mini. I could hear the whispers, feel everyone stare, and smiled inwardly. Already I was getting the reaction I wanted. I saw the guys drooling, the girls glaring at me jealously. I was in the sixth grade, but I knew between my clothes and carefully applied makeup, I looked at least 15.49

I knew right away which girls were the cool ones, the ones I'd be joining. It was obvious from their clothes, their makeup, the way they stood and carried themselves, the way other girls looked at them with both envy and admiration. In short, they looked exactly like I was now going to be.50

I wasted no time asserting my place among them, walking up and introducing myself. They told me their names were Toni, Marina, and Gabi. They were glad to accept me into their rather exclusive clique, giving me the dirt on all the others. I could tell by their triumphant smiles they were pleased at being the first to take me into their group. They were only too eager to flaunt me as their conquest. I acted completely indifferent, as though I was only in their group because it was the best the school had to offer, but inside I was thrilled. Finally I would be popular, cool, admired- for the first time ever.51

Within a few months I was elevated to the position of most popular- among boys and girls. Everyone wanted something from me- girls,my attention and friendship, boys, to sleep with me. I was much more generous to the boys than the girls. To all who saw me, I looked quite content- tons of friends and boyfriends, gorgeous and flirtacious, completely bold and confident. But as differently as I acted, I didn't feel different. I was still the same lost, insecure, desperately unhappy girl I'd always been. I was paranoid someone would be able to see this, that somehow I'd let it slip that I didn't feel as cool as I seemed, and my new popularity would vanish in a flash. 52

So I went out of my way to hide my feelings, throwing myself into being the biggest vixen that ever lived- the boldest, brashest, sexiest, most completely self-assured girl anyone could hope to see. I refused to wear any clothes that were loose, modest, or uncool. I talked back to teachers, openly told others about my drug use, and even had parties in Brooke's full view. They thought my house was teh absolute best place to party- and they were right. I was bitchy to girls not considered cool, and talked about them behind their backs, if not right to their face. I was still haunted by the memory of what Reid had done to me, terrified that I would be raped again. To keep that from ever happening, I made it clear to any guy who showed an interest that he could do whatever he wanted with me. I wanted to be sure no one would ever hurt me or have me against my will again, and if I was willing, that would never happen. In short, I took the girl I had been and did my best to squash her, inventing a new Evie in her place...53

The year I was 13, in the seventh grade, was the year Tracy came into my life. Before then, I had never really noticed her- she was a kid like I had been, the kind who isn't really an outcast but isn't really popular. She blended in. I had passed her in the halls before and once in a while made a snide comment about her preppy clothes, but I didn't really feel any special emotion toward her.54

Tracy, however, set out to change this. Out of nowhere, she started coming up to me when I was with Toni, Gabi, and Marina. I couldn't believe her nerve- hardly any girls tried to talk to us. Even a pointed stare from each of us didn't deter her. She just started talking, trying way too hard to be cool and casual. I could tell she was nervous- she wasn't too smooth. It took Toni's comment on her outfit to make her go away- defeated, but only temporarily.55

Apparently she took Toni's remark to heart, because she showed up the next day with an outfit that was actually pretty cool, completely different from her usual childish clothes. This time she approached just me when I was alone- guess because I hadn't been the one who'd actually made fun of her. We talked for a little while, me smirking inwardly at her desperation to be cool, and just to be mean, I gave her a fake phone number and told her to call me. She tried to hide it,but I could tell she was estatic. I bet she was crushed when she found out it was fake.56

Still, even that didn't stop her. A few days later she came up to us again in Dicks and Chicks, my favorite store in the mall. She watched us stealing and got all uncomfortable. We thought it was pretty funny and made fun of her until she left. We figured Miss Goody Two Shoes would leave us alone now. Were we wrong! Ten minutes later, Tracy shows up with a wallet- full of $800! She'd snatched it off some old lady. We couldn't believe it- Tracy?! When she suggested spending it, however, none of us dreamed of turning her down.57

After that, Tracy gradually eased her way into our group. She was inexperienced, naive, as I had been, but she was eager to learn the rules of being cool, willing to do whatever I did, and I was more than happy to show her. Toni, Gabi, and Marina were less willing to accept her- I think they were jealous I was interested in her, especially when I began spending more time with her than with them. They needn't have worried- at first, anyway. At first I let Tracy hang with us just for what she could give me- whatever I wanted, she was willing to get for me, even if it put herself at risk of getting in trouble. But the more time I spent with Tracy, and the more of my influence rubbed off on her, the more I began to like her as more than a silly girl who was my stoolie. I realized that she was a lot like I had been- and fast becoming like I was now. We were practically soulmates.58

I led Tracy to drugs, beer, and boys, and she was a natural- like she'd always wanted to do this. She imitated whatever I did. Soon we were spending so much time together I practically lived at her house- which was exactly what I wanted.59

As good of friends as we were now, I still was incredibly jealous of her. Sometimes so much I actually hated her. Not only was she thinner and just as pretty as me, she had a hot brother and a mother who loved her fiercely, though she never had a clue what she was up to or how to deal with her. Tracy was was so clueless- she didn't realize how lucky she was to have a mother like Melanie who actually loved her. I wished so badly that I had Melanie as a mother, that I had been born into their family, that Tracy was my sister and Mason my brother. I stayed at their house as much as I could. Melanie didn't like that after a while. She didn't like me much- she thought I was a bad influence on Tracy. I wanted her to trust me, to like me, to let me stay at her house as much as I wanted. I wanted her to adopt me, so I could be her daughter like Tracy. But I couldn't figure out a way to ensure this.60

So I decided to tell her about my past- sort of. I didn't tell her my mother had kicked me out of the house- I told her she was dead. It wasn't far from the truth, for Kaya might as well be. I told her my mother's ex-boyfriend had cut me behind the ear and showed her my mark. When this still wasn't enough to convince Melanie to adopt me, with Tracy as my backup, I told her I'd been molested by an uncle. It wasn't exactly the truth, but it was close enough. Melanie, though she still didn't approve of me, now felt very sorry for me and guilty for not wanting a poor, abused little girl to stay in her house where I'd be safe. My confiding in her worked for a while- until two things happened.61

The first thing was when Melanie found out that Kaya was, in fact, alive. It was an accident- I would never have let that slip. Even Tracy didn't know. It was Brooke, stupid Brooke, that told her. Melanie had gone to visit her to ask about me, maybe checking up on me, maybe asking if everything was okay at home- hell, maybe she was even making sure it was okay to adopt me. That would've been ironic all right. She discovered Brooke, completely depressed, lying on the couch crying. She had gotten plastic surgery with a cheap, unclean doctor and now had cauliflower ear. While Melanie was comforting her, she mentioned something about Brooke being my guardian. When Brooke said " Not legally," Melanie asked for an explanation, and the truth came out. What was more, when Brooke described Kaya and told her her last name was Thades- she had named me a different last name at my birth, Zamboya, for reasons I'll never know- Melanie was startled to realize Kaya was one of her clients at her hair place. I had not known either- it was a rather nasty relevation. To think all that time I lived there, I could have ran into her at any moment...62

When Melanie came home, she confronted me, in front of Tracy, right away.63

" Evie, I paid Brooke a visit today," she said. " It seems your mother is, in fact, alive. In fact, she is one of my clients."64

I froze, completely blown by this statement. I tried desperately to think of a good lie, but none came to mind right away.65

" Brooke tells me that she is not your legal guardian. Legally you are your mother's responsibility. I'm not asking you to explain why you lied to me, Evie. I'm just telling you that I think it would be best if you go home now- if not to your mother, then to Brooke. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to get entangled in a situation like this."66

I just stared at her, hardly listening. Only one thing jumped out at me out of all she said- they don't want me. They want me to leave. Even Tracy- for she was just standing there, saying nothing- looking at me the same way Melanie was. My ears burned, my face grew hot. I could hear my heart pounding wildly.67

" You- you want me to leave?" I stuttered.68

Melanie looked guilty. " Well, Evie,honey, it's just that-"69

" You're not going to adopt me?"70

" Well- no. No, honey, I'm afraid not."71

I couldn't believe it. Just like that, all my dreams had been crushed. I wasn't able to move as feelings of terror, panic swept over me. But even more powerfully, I felt abandoned, betrayed- rage. How could they do this to me? How could they kick me out, send me back to Brooke's- or worse, Kaya's?72

I realized achingly then just how much I had come to love and need living at Mel's. It was the one place I'd ever felt wanted, needed- if only by Tracy. And she had needed me. I'd taken her out of her nerdy shell and shown her how to be cool, to have fun, to let go of herself and lose her troubles. I'd been the first person she ever kissed! I'd been the one to coax her into losing her virginity. I'd introduced her to drugs and beer. It had been me who held her after she slashed up her wrist for the first time. And now I was finding out she didn't need me anymore- she and Melanie, the only two people I trusted. Mel, the very person I'd looked to as a mother, who I'd wanted to adopt me, wanted me to leave, to live with Kaya!73

As my stare slid from her to Tracy, still standing there silently, fidgeting and looking away guiltily under my glance, I realized with a stab of pain how much I'd grown to love her. She'd been a sister to me- the only person I'd loved, and the only person who ever loved me. And now she was driving me away...74

As I stood there, shaking, fury grew slowly inside of me. I was enraged at Melanie for turning me away, and at Tracy for not only that, but having something I would never have- a mother, a brother, a home- a family. I hurt so badly- I had been so stupid! This is what happens when you let yourself love- they only hurt you!75

I wanted then to hurt them as much as they'd hurt me. I had to- it was the only thing that would make me feel better. I couldn't very well lash out at Melanie, though, I knew, as angry as I was at her. I hadn't been close enough to her- and she was an adult. Nothing I did could hurt her badly enough. But I could hurt Tracy, and I was determined to do so. I was going to hurt her as I'd been hurt my whole life. I would alienate her, cruelly repel her from me, so she'd never get close to me, never love me again. Look where loving her, trusting her, has gotten me- it had caused more pain than Kaya or Reid ever had, because I had expected pain from them, not Tracy. It wasn't safe to love her. I had to be free of her. I had to feel nothing for her except hate. Only then would I be safe again...76

********************************************************77

It was easy enough to betray Tracy. First I ostracized her at school, hanging out with Gabi, Marina, and Toni once more and excluding Tracy. We smirked and whispered about her in the halls and yelled catty insults at her. They were only too happy to have me be their leader again, and all the more pleased it was Tracy, my former best friend,that they were targeting. Marina became my new best friend, at least around Tracy. I flaunted our "closeness", holding hands with her, putting my arm around her when Tracy walked by, even kissing her on the cheek- smirking at Tracy's looks of stunned pain. I felt exhilerated every time I saw her cry, but at the same time I felt so awful inside for being so cruel. But now awful enough to stop...78

But the worst thing was later. One night I told Brooke that the reason I wasn't hanging around Tracy anymore was she was an abusive friend who scared me. I showed her a cut on my temple and told her Tracy had done it to me when she was angry. It wasn't a complete lie- Tracy HAD hit me, but we had both been high. I'd hit her to see if she could feel it, and she hit me back, and it got out of hand- in fact, I almost knocked her out. I left that part out, of course. Brooke was enraged and indignant for me. Brooke's odd like that- she's cool with me and my friends smoking, drinking, whatever, but it enfuriates her to think of someone beating on me or taking advantage of me. So when we knew Tracy was at school the next day, I skipped, and we went to Melanie's to pay HER a little visit. Brooke told her what I'd told her- and more. She told Melanie about Tracy's stealing, drinking,smoking, drug use, and cutting- never implying that I'd introduced her to all that, or even that I did such things. In fact, she went a little too far- Mel didn't completely buy it. She was shocked that Tracy was doing all that, but she didn't believe I was innocent. In fact, she accused me of getting Tracy into it! It wasn't wrong, but that is beside the point.79

Despite Mel not going for it, at least somewhat, my plan still was a great success. You should have seen when Tracy came through the door and we were all sitting there waiting for her. And when Brooke and Melanie started in on her- it was great. I didn't get to stay too long after that- Brooke dragged me home, but I got to see Tracy screaming and hysterically beginning to cry and fall apart. I got to see the look on her face when she realized I'd betrayed her.80

Tracy never realized how good she had it, how gladly i'd have traded my life for hers. If I could have been born in her home and she in mine, I bet she'd understand why I wanted to live with her so badly. I guess there is one thing I can take comfort in; at least her life is more miserable than mine is now...