CHAPTER 1: Numbed

I am sat here right now. Crimson tears pouring off of my face like christmas lights hanging off of a tall building. Oh how I long to be at the top of that tall building, free from the pain and the depression of knowing the many truths of this cruel world. I am the one being on earth that can truely understand a numbed body because of a cold heart. I will never recieve love. I have given and given it but it has been taken from me over and over again because the world has fobidden me my happiness. 1

If a guy fancied me, I would not love him back, however much I tried. I looked at the text message that had been sent to me earlier that day. I look at the pictures standing their ground on the wall, worried they might be cursed if they came any closer to my corpse. I looked aorund almost blinded by light and watery eyes. 2

I wander over to the light and I dim it drowning out the sneers of the colours. I open the one draw and I take out my only hero. It hurts me to help me. It has been brought down onto my wrist by this time and I start to shape my ugly body into what it should be. A symbol of hatred. I am she that will never be enclosed into the right person's arms. I am lost in a sea of nothingness.3

Blood pours out of my seam and I realise that I have scarred myself yet again for I have lost almost everything and everyone around me. 4

My friends become my enemies if something happens which I cannot expain. They joke and I get caught up in a sick prank that only hurts people. My mother loves me but somehow I cannot do right by her. I am never living up to her or my father's expectations of me. I have lost a sister and three close elderly relatives. My brothers and sisters are all looked upon as better than me. I am just the scruffy teenage goth that is not warmed by a soul.5

Worst of all, my greatest enemy is myself. I do not appreciate myself. I hate the way i look and am. I hate the way I am better than my father yet I am somehow hated among my family who rarely take the time to talk to me. 6

I began to read my diary, flicking through the crisp pages that had noted my every disappointment and mistake. It was then I knew that this world had already dealt me with my future. I lit it, burning away every last mintue of my past wishing i could burn the lies i had been subjected to. Maybe that was me, I am a lie. I know I  am a mistake why the fuck am i still fuking here? I dont know anymore. I shouldnt be.7

Taking a piece of paper i inscribed the following words. I wrote this note in the language i had secretly been learning. The time had come to use my knowledge.8

‹M?d‚ÅŽc?“‚È?¢ŠE?B‚ ‚È‚½‚ÍŽ„‚ÌŽžŠÔ‚ª‚È‚©‚Á‚½?]‚Á‚Ä ?l‚ÅŽ„‚Ì?ê?Š‚ð–ž‚½‚·‚½‚ß‚ÉŽ„‚Í‚ ‚È‚½‚ɃXƒy?[ƒX‚ðŽc‚·cna ‚ª ˆ¤‚µ, ‘厖‚É‚µ‚½‚Å‚ ‚é?B‚±‚ê‚Í‚¿‚傤‚Ç’Z‚¢ƒm?[ƒg‚Å‚ ‚é?BŽ„ ‚ÍŽ„‚É‚æ‚Á‚Ä‚ª‚Ù‚µ‚¢‚à‚Ì‚ª,  ‚»‚µ‚ÄŽ„‚ª‚»‚ê‚ð‚µ‚½Ž„‚ÌŽ€‚̌㠂łȂº‹N‚±‚Á‚ÄŒ¾‚¤‚½‚ß‚É‚¾‚¯?s‚Á‚Ä‚¢‚é?BŽ„‚Ì?¶–½‚ª‚È‚©‚Á‚½ ‘½‚­‚Ì”N‚Ì‚½‚ß‚ÉŽ„‚ª‚ ‚邽‚ß‚É‚»‚ê‚ð–]‚Þ•û–@‚ň¤‚µ‚½?BŽ„‚Í —^‚¦‚é‚ׂ«ˆ¤‚ð‚»‚ñ‚È‚É—L‚µ‚½‚ª, Ž„‚ª‚¾‚ê‚à‚É‚æ‚Á‚Ä‚Ù‚µ‚­‚È ‚©‚Á‚½?BŽ„‚Íburried  ‚ ‚肽‚­, ‚±‚ꂪŽ„‚Ì‘’Ž®‚Å”R‚¦‚é‚ׂ«‚Å ‚ ‚邱‚Æ‚ð–]‚Þ?BŽ„‚ÌŒ´—¿‚·‚ׂĂ͂ ‚È‚½‚ª‚ ‚È‚½‚É‚æ‚Á‚Ä‚ª‚Ù ‚µ‚¢‚à‚Ì‚ª‘I‚Ô‚±‚Æ‚ª‚Å‚«‚é‰Æ‘°‹y‚ÑŽ„‚Ì—F?l‚É—^‚¦‚ç‚ê‚È‚¯‚ê ‚Î‚È‚ç‚È‚¢?BŽ„‚ÍŽ„Ž€‚ñ‚Å‚¢‚é‹CŒ­‚í‚È‚¢?B‚µ‚©‚µŽ„‚É‚æ‚Á‚Ä‚Í ‚»‚ꂪ‹ß‚­Žc‚Á‚Ä‚Ù‚µ‚¢?Bƒ?ƒ}ƒ“ƒXŽ„‚̉»Šw–ò•i‚Ì’PŒê?B‚»‚¤’· ‚­‹y‚Ñ‚¨‚â‚·‚Ý‚È‚³‚¢?B9

In english it basicly said:10

Dear cruel  world.    You had no time for me so I leave you space to fill my place with a person that cna be loved and cherished.  This is just a short note. I am only going to say what I want to happen after my death and why I have done it.     For many years my life had not been loved in a way i would wish it to be. I had so much love to give but nobody wanted me.    I wish to be burried and I wish this is to be burnt at my funeral. All my stuff must be given to my friends and family you can choose what you want. I am deceased I do not care. I want it to remain close, however.    IN the words of My chemical Romance. So long and good night.11