When he isn't Your Man 1
(or, How to avoid provoking the less-than-gallant-response: 2
a politically incorrect guide for women.) 3
By Eric Lee4
Before a misconception takes hold, this discussion is not about messing with another woman's man. Sure, that's a real bad idea, but I'll leave it between you women...I'm sure you know how to deal with it just fine. This little unsolicited diatribe is about all the other aspects of dealing with men who aren't your own. It's written because I continue to hear complaints about men who can make the word `Ma'am' mean "bitch" from women who haven't a clue that they provoked the response. This seems to be because many women cannot distinguish between different applications of the possessive pronoun. So, to set it straight, ladies...they aren't all your men! Just because you can apply a possessive pronoun in a given situation...'my' mechanic, `my' grocer, `my' pharmacist, attorney, son-in-law, mailman, garbage man, whatever...doesn't confer the privileges applicable when dealing with `your' man.5
Believe it or not, men want to please you. They have an inborn and engrained desire to make women happy, and success at this provides a deep, inner satisfaction, even if it was only getting you the right kind of tomato for your recipe. We are also very much aware, every single one of us, just how unpleasant life can be made by an irate woman...none of us antagonizes you for fun! But we have our own boundaries, boundaries that are crossed only at peril.6
Men know that they abrogate certain privileges of individuality to their woman...she gains rights to certain expectations, and he surrenders them more-or-less willingly in the connubial relationship. To have a woman with whom he has not made this arrangement presume to these privileges creates inner conflict on several levels in a man. He doesn't like it. It makes him resentful; because he already gave this stuff up to one woman, because it creates inner apprehensions, justified or not, about his own woman's reaction to the situation, and because it amounts to the same degree of undue familiarity as his discussing with you your taste in undergarments...you are trespassing. Yet women daily tread across that line, in blithe ignorance, and then verbally vivisect the male gender at bridge clubs, power lunches, showers: wherever the female gender congregates, you will find male shortcomings a favorite topic, and never will the facts I'm about to present be taken into consideration. 7
With that in mind, here are a few ground rules that should be considered whenever dealing with a man not your own. These do not, of course, apply to a man making a pass at you...that's a whole `nother ball-game, and you get your own rules there. For the rest, though, if you really want to see an end to the problem, read it and give it consideration. If you prefer to keep the topic alive for tea socials et c. then by all means trash the book...and pick up your share of the responsibility for the friction. You had a chance to avoid it all, but chose to continue crossing the lines. 8
Line one. 9
The Mentalist Syndrome. 10
When he isn't your man, you do not have a right to expect him to read your mind. The expectation that he be able procure what is desired without you taking the trouble to explain what you want is the sole prerogative of his woman, and the rest of you are not entitled to the phrase "you should have known that..." It's hands off! Forget those words. Ask for what you want, use the prevalent language of the society in doing so, and be unambiguous...or do without and suffer it in noble silence. *You don't get to tell him 'he should have known' you wanted Miracle Whip Light when all you asked him to pick up was 'a jar of mayo'*. It isn't his fault, which brings us to ... 11
Line two 12
The Scapegoat Role 13
When he isn't your man, it is NOT always his fault when something goes wrong. This again is his woman's sole privilege and is non-transferable. It is neither rude, disrespectful nor politically incorrect for your mechanic to point out to you that, although he may have worked on your car and may even have it under warranty, your letting the oil light burn for 5000 miles was not intelligent, nor conducive to the continued function of the internal combustion engine... nor his responsibility. 14
You are welcome to go home and blame it on your husband. 15
Line three 16
Ch-ch-ch-changes 17
This one is a biggie...it's involved, and flows into a lot of areas. 18
Certain aspects of the male personality and attitude are inflexible. Others may be subject to outside influence. When he isn't your man, it is not within your purview to even attempt to determine the changeability of a given attitude, much less to attempt to change it. A case in point: a buddy was explaining to me his attitude that, when his woman was being hurt in some way, all rules were changed. Civilized behavior was not even a consideration, much less an option, and it was `Katie, bar the door' and God help the transgressor. I could only agree, and fully understood why he had ended up explaining the same attitude to a judge...who also understood, and dismissed him with a slap on the wrist instead of a fine and six months for simple assault. 19
It was the woman at the next table who took him to task over it. Never mind that she hadn't been part of the conversation, and that no one really cared if she found his behavior sexist, politically incorrect or medieval, and was offended at his assumption that his woman couldn`t "take care of herself". The real problems were three-fold. He was a Texan in Texas...she was a tourist, and not acquainted with the culture. He was a man married twelve years, with the full right and responsibility to defend his wife...she assumed that `his woman' meant a casual girlfriend. (Those assumptions will get you every time!) Third and most important, he was not her man, and his woman whole-heartedly approved his attitude...had indeed had a lot to do with it's formation. 20
The trespasser, however, could not understand or tolerate his mild mannered response of "Ma'am, I didn't ask." She had the unspoken certainty that any male should, under any circumstances, defer to the judgment of any female when it came to the treatment of a female, and found his response disrespectful and ungentlemanly. She then demanded that I, as a gentleman, take her part and educate him in his manners...(which I think neatly contradicted her earlier position, but she didn't see it that way. Oh, well.) There seem to be many such attitudes which men take as natural and given, but which many women find as archaic and outmoded as a can-opener without that handy little magnet to grab the lid, once cut out. All I can say, Ladies, is "push down on one side...the other side will pop up. Now, throw away that nasty, sharp circle of metal and get on with your lives." 21
So the way I'm equipped doesn't meet your desires... 22
I'm not on the lot, so quit kicking my tires! 23
The same applies to a man's taste in clothing, cigars, Cologne, language, lifestyle, and several other primary areas of choice. Not only is it not yours to change, it may well be another woman's, and already custom-tailored to her preferences. Not to put too fine a point on it...butt out. And the man who tells you this is well within his rights, and probably just defending his woman's territory. You'll castigate him roundly at the next sewing circle, I'm sure...but it was your own fault. Get over it. 24
Line four 25
Whistler's Mother.26
In brief...if he didn't whistle at you, and you aren't either his woman or his mom, leave it to the object of the whistle. If she's offended, she'll tell him herself. 27
Line five 28
His hygiene 29
Come to think of it, unless he's breathing in your face, go re-read line three and mind your own business. Get yourself some fresh air as soon as you can, and avoid his proximity in the future. 30
Now that I look at it, Line three pretty much covers the rest, and it all boils down to that one statement...mind your own business, and if he isn't your man, it isn't your business. Realize that he isn't your man, leave it alone, and the world will proceed in a much more harmonious manner. Now, go call the bridge club and flay me alive for telling you this. 31
And, Ladies...32
Have a Nice Day.33
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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That rule probably ought to be expanded to every aspect of life; people should have a good idea of what motivates them to do whatever they're doing.
My "door-motives" are pretty simple, actually. If I get there first, I'll hold it open for anyone, man or woman...because it's good manners. -
lol fine on the spelling
I was just in a weird mood yesterday.
I added the door incidents as a sort of female input on the matter, since you brought it up in one of your replies earlier.
Another one of my friends came to mind last night, he was majoring in tourism at the time and has since continued his career in it. Anyway, I barewly even notice when he opens the door anymore or at least I don't attach any sort of emotional reaction to it. To him it's what he does at work, there's no motive other than the fact that it's routine and he does it all day for him.
If a guy is going to do something like opening a door for a woman, it's usually a good idea for him to figure out what exactly drives him to do it, the woman already knows because it shows through your body language.
lol and yes, people are nice
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LOL...I can't believe I'm coming back to this over a year later, but I have one more thought in the door issue...one that's been gathering examples and dust ever since our last exchange on the topic.
I've been noticing that, from outside perceptions, women are not nearly so intuitive about a man's motives as they think they are! To wit: it might well be that they guy you thought was only opening doors for attention was, in fact, just someone you didn't want to encourage to *expect* attention from you...so you saw his actions in a far less than favorable light.
If a woman doesn't like a man or want to encourage him or his interest, it's my observation that she tends to see his every action as an expression of that unwanted interest or an attempt to gain that attention she doesn't want to give...and I think I'm at least as entitled to that idea as you are to state "For the first one, the opening of the door was always some extra act."
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LOL...you keep coming back to this one Ky! In December you 'needed' it, in January it caused more problems than it solved...and ten hours ago you forgot to check dictionary.com before growling at me. (wry grin. 'engrained' is an accepted alternate spelling for 'ingrained', and is the one in prevalent use when and where I first learned the word).
On the door thing...I should (just to keep things interesting) point out that a desire to please is NOT synonymous with a desire to be liked. The second seeks an involved and lasting reward from the recipient; first is rewarded if the recipient does nothing more than smile, nod or otherwise indicate satisfaction, and goes no further unless there is already an involved and lasting relationship between the two.
I will (when hobbling...I don't hurry my chair for anyone and it would only put me in the way) hurry ahead for my wife or her mother. (I never see my mother anymore, but she'd fit that category). Any other woman, if I get there first I'll hold the door. If she gets there first and waits for it, I'll open the door.
(The rest usually see my cane or crutches and open the door for me. Very nice of them, isn't that?) -
on the door thing you mentioned...
I was just thinking back to certain males who have done that to me and my reactions to them.
One of the boys in my photo journalism (that's yearbook for those not in the know) would keep hurrying forward and getting in my way so he could always arrive at doors first and open them for the girls. I was getting annoyed. Finally, a week into it, I snapped at him and he, loking very insulted, never opened a door for me again.
On the other hand, I have a friend who, unfailingly whenever he's with me, will reach ahead and open the door for me. I've always found it flattering and have never once snapped at him.
Thinking over these two situations once, I tried to dicern why my reactions were so different. Finally I figured it out.
For the first one, the opening of the door was always some extra act. He did it because he thought that it was what he was supposed to do.
For my friend, it's something completely natural to him, he barely realizes he's doing it, it's simply the way he's been brought up.
I'm not sure what I wanted to accomplish by relating this, perhaps I simply wanted to talk.
One thing though is that girls are extremely sensitive to a man's motives behind a certain act.
The first person who opened door through a "desire to please" or be liked annoyed the hell out of me. The second, who had no such motive, doesn't.
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ingrained!!!
grr.
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lol I was thinking, as much as this solves, sometimes it creates problems too, don'tcha think?
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Thank you.
I needed to read this.
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giggles this was hilarious. I do wish you had time to participate in the battle of the sexes. I think you would have a lot to offer and a lot of fun as well. Well, if you could find any amount of time, audition. It wouldn't hurt
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LOL...since two women have now questioned the statement, allow me to clarify just a bit...
Men DO have that desire to please! It's born in us...but many of us learn to hide it, and in many of us it is
trampled - to - death.
Let me show you how it gets submerged (and this is just ONE example!)
Many women demand that we open the door for them, and think us less than gentlemen if we fail to do so. (and say so...loudly, publicly and embarassingly!)
Many other women castigate us as 'male chauvinist pigs' for that same act, and tell us "What, you think I'm helpless, I can't open a door on my own?!" (again...loudly, publicly and embarassingly!)
It bears mention that neither sort is identified by sign or label.
The contradictory behavior of women causes inner turmoils and confusions in the male of the species that result in reticence, indecision and sometimes blatant hostility...but it doesn't mean we don't WANT to please you. It just means that we get so tired of things we do with that intent producing the opposite of the desired result that many of us quit trying, and that failure creates its own inner turmoil.
(In brief...if you find there are large numbers of men who don't seem to WANT to make you happy...there may well be a reason!)
It's inherent in the male of EVERY species of mammal to try to please the female.
Only in homo sapiens does the female of the species deliberately attempt to foil that effort.
YOU figger it out.
(and please remember that this is based on the observations of a male...and that this article IS meant as humor!)
Edited on May 25, 12:45 because 'I just had more to say.'. -
As a woman who never seeks to change anyone...let alone a man who isnt "mine" and as a matter of course wouldnt seek to change a man who was "mine" anyway, I must admit..I found this piece to be quite a hoot.
Unfortunately...I know too many women who are exactly like this to dispute a thought, other than the one that Pamela already did.
"They have an inborn and engrained desire to make women happy"
does not seem to be an actual fact of all men. I shall bow to the fact that this is how YOU feel...and your wife probably adores you for it.
Very well thought out, albeit funny...piece.
My best to you...
Mary ann -
I'll admit some of the language was over my head, but on a whole view, I can agree, and see what you are meaning. Women. I don't want to rant much on that, but I see what you're getting at.
Peace
Chris -
I can't say that i agree with EVERYTHING you have stated here..mainly "men want to please you. They have an inborn and engrained desire to make women happy" Not ALL men are this way from MY point of view)
However, this is one exceptional piece..very well written..BRAVO!
I very much enjoyed reading...
YIKES!..i knew who i was reading...so in a moment of actual sanity..it occured to me what i had done..lol..i was also speaking with Uncle Jean as i was leaving the comment to you...
i find it astounding i remembered i may have made the mistake days after..and then i come back to see i really did! geez!
so sorry!!..bet you thought i was a doofus eh? LOL (i can be at times)
much love
~Pamela
Edited on Jan 15, 10:02 p.m. because 'i SO messed up the first time'.
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