Wish I never Knew

I wish I never knew.1

This would all be easier, if I never remembered.2

I know I’ll never be the same after this, after I finish finding out the truth, yet I can’t seem to stop. Everyone has a sense of self-wonder, just mine is a little bit different. Here in this claustrophobic library and odd little lab, I find myself remembering things that I shouldn't, things that shouldn't be there. But yesterday was so nice, it feels like a dream now, a lie.3

We arrived in Nibelheim yesterday, a routine mission as it was. Zack and I were the high ranking SOLDIER present, and the little grunt Cloud made things quite amusing by hiding himself. It seems a girl in this, his hometown, has caught his attentions and he feels somehow inadequate. I can't see why, but I needed not say anything, because Zack took care of the banter as he always does. I've become quite fond of Zack in the missions we’ve done together, and I prefer his blunt honesty and dry humor to many other SOLDIER's hero worship. I fight because I can, because I am able to, because I am told. Cloud is one of those that worships me, but by now I am used to it. The three of us have not worked together as often as Zack and I, but still I know of him more than I do any other grunt.4

He’s oblivious to most things, single minded in his wish to become like us, the SOLDIERS he so admires. He's somewhat of a crybaby, and a wuss, but he always manages to pull through the worst of it with a little help. Something about him draws you in. It's almost impossible to hate him.5

And Zack, my comrade and friend. Possibly the only man I trust with my life in this world. His brash and loud character, that impossibly blunt and ugly sword, and his clear honest eyes hold everything I can’t reach. When did I get so unable to express myself? I can never remember having a heart-to-heart with anyone and sharing my feelings—when I have them at all. The sight of blood does not effect me as it should. They send me on missions like a god of death and I come home covered in it, Beast, Monster, Human... It matters not.6

Ah, but this. Here, in these books, lies the truth of everything. Cloud is not the only one that hails from this town, after all.7

Zack does not understand as I turn him away again, ignoring his worry and his requests for me to at least eat. I can see the hurt in his eyes but I can’t say that I feel bad for it, my harsh and clipped tone. Dejected, he leaves me alone with the walls of books. He’s the one that doesn’t understand. I am so close...so close to knowing everything. My head throbs with pain as images come flooding into it. Images of a person, two, three people.8

One of them frightens me, the tall one with the glasses. I can never see the color of them it seems, behind those glaring lenses. In my memory his mouth moves but I cannot hear a thing, as if he talks to himself as he writes in the pages of his books, these books I hold now in my hands. It cannot be, this man, could be the one I know as Hojo of the ShinRa? Why do I remember him as such, in this room with me?9

Then there is her. She is the one I can not remember very well at all, but her lingering warmth and deep sadness. Like a lingering feeling of being brushed by cool silk this memory is both soothing and cold.10

The third man I know not at all, but for his silence and haunted stare. I always see him watching me, those red eyes, that pale skin. I swear I almost feel his presence now, like a tingling in my spine as if I am still being watched.11

Something comes to me as I turn these pages. Like the pieces of a puzzle, it comes to me. Something that is calling for me, something that wants to be found. It always slips through my fingers just when I think I have it, that deep-seeded memory of who is lost. The voice gets louder, and I can hear my blood rushing in my ears as I find the book I have been looking for.12

No, not this. My consciousness is slipping, I can feel it slowly. My eyes continue to run over the words even as I wish to thrust it away from me and destroy it. I don't want to lose it, my memories of the times I've had with them. Something overwhelming is taking their place, a desire so strong that I forget my own to follow it. What feelings I had are being smothered out, like a flame grasped by a god's hand. When I recall the face of the one person I trust, I cannot even feel anything at all. It’s too late as the book slips from my fingers. Something in my blood, my cursed blood. I'm not human after all, and it's not just the Mako all SOLDIER's are infected with, but something not from this planet.13

Hate. Anger. Pain. Desire. Power. Ambition. Revenge.14

"I’m sorry, Zack…" I can only whisper as it takes me over.15

I can hear the voice now, and I can feel her close. The one that calls to me, and urges me to fight. She has been there all along, waiting for me to free her. She desires for me to become great, and to finish what she could not. I hear her, and I’ll go to her.16

Mother.17

I wish I never knew.18