When All Is Said And Done

I sat alone in my room letting memories of the past consume me. A past full of deception, betrayal, abandonment, lies, and much more negativity. The friendship I had tried to hold on to for so long was instantly thrown out the window because it wasn’t mutual. In fact, it wasn’t even real. This “friendship” had scarred me, and mentally prevented me from moving on to other things. It made me think about negative things, such as hurt and betrayal. It made me think about fear, causing me to not take risks. Thinking about it now, it could have all been avoided at hello. But then again, what risk is that? Either way, what’s done is done. Letting go has got to be one of the hardest things to do though. I do know for fact that “Goodbye” is the hardest word in mankind’s dictionary. But moving on… 1

I hadn’t thought about the good things that sprung to life just recently. Instead I wallowed in the past, wanting closure, but not doing anything to give the push. I had a lot of things on my mind, and I wasn’t fixing them either. Perhaps I was just out to get some pity. Who knows? 2

I talked to a friend I just recently met and we got into a deep, meaningful conversation, questioning many things. It was a two way conversation, but he let me do most of the talking. He told me to spill my feelings, let out everything, and questioned why I felt the way I did. He also gave me some advice, him being older and already experienced some things, a handful of wisdom couldn’t hurt. I took it with open arms, still wallowing in my past though.. I wasn’t  enlightened until he said two sentences that stand out the most in my mind to this present moment:3

“The time people spend talking about things hasn’t anything to do with how much they have to say, it’s more about how big it is.” 4

and the eye opener,5

“Everyone needs a safety net, you know you've made it when that safety net is you.”6

His words hit me close because they weren’t just what I wanted to hear; they were the truth. It was so big to me because it was everything for so long, it was a friendship and so much more and it wasn't mutual in the end and that's what I wanted to know. Why it wasn't. I spent so much time blaming myself and it wasn't myself at all, it was him, and he hated everything. I always blamed myself for his misery but it was him and the hate he learned… I felt so much pity for him that I wanted to stick around to see if things got better when in reality they never would because he brewed his own misery and hate and used it as fuel to take out his problems on others. Ironically, I was the easiest target. And I let it happen instead of just walking away…7

My friend told me, “You sensed their misery, and your reaction was the best there is. To help. But you did that so naturally, you didn’t understand your own response. And you ended up blaming yourself. And that’s why you can’t shake it. Because you can’t control what they create, you can only control your relation to it.”8

“F*cking, aye,” I replied, “It's like… the duality of man.. you cannot kill what you did not create…”9

“And all the time you spent being friendly, and close, you then associated with all the bad stuff inside -them- which may be why you are so afraid of doing those things with anyone.”10

I came to realize that I was not to blame for my “friend’s” problems. I had to stop blaming myself for the way he treated others. He brewed his hate for quite some time, and I was the easiest target for him to take it out on. It made me bitter, and isolated from others, and it also made me lose faith in a lot of things I once had faith in. The more I tried to help him, the more I turned into him. 11

Reflecting back to when I was younger, I saw myself in the art room of my old grade school before it closed. Before this “event” even existed. Before it was even a twinkle in someone’s eye. I was sorting through old papers and came across a calendar card. On the front was a kitten sleeping and a calendar, surrounded in pink roses. Everything was pink. It said something like 1997 on it. It was way out of date. On the other side was a prayer, one I will remember for the rest of my life. I only looked at the card once, but it stuck with me. It was The Serenity Prayer. It said,12

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 13

The courage to change the things I can,14

And the wisdom to know the difference.”15

I kept that card with me until around grade seven. By then it was destroyed from time and carrying it with me everywhere. At around the same time, my school where I found the card closed, and I went to a different school. Then the “event” was born. The friendship that I had tried so hard to forget. It was almost impossible and nearly drove me mad. This “friendship” made me think very negative thoughts, and often brought me into depression. Rising above it was always my goal, and I often thought I overcame the obstacle, when really I had only tucked it away in the back of my mind. 16

My friend’s wise words had opened my eyes when he told me that maybe I’m not meant to forget it. Maybe I’m meant to learn from it and to see that there’s some things you have to look in the eye and overcome instead of running away. When all I really wanted to do was run. 17

At that moment, I was reminded of The Serenity Prayer. Memories filled my mind, only this time, good memories. I began to cry tears of joy when something else from the past caught my attention. It was a chime type thing my great aunt had gotten for me before she died. It was a picture of a cottage house in a forest and was bleeding with colour. When wind would blow, the picture would spin. I read the words on the picture below the house, “You are in my prayers today, yesterday, and forever.” I noticed it was moving. But here in my room there was no wind. How odd. But it was a memory of my past and it wasn’t negative. And yet it was still alive. The key to handling this obstacle head on was in front of me the whole time. I had unlocked the door so long ago, I had the key all along. I just hadn’t realized it. I spent so much time looking outside for an answer I was never sure I’d even find. My friend had just opened my eyes and the rest was up to me. 18

I thanked my friend, oh how I was grateful. Sometimes, I guess it just takes some time to realize that the answers are closer than you think. At that final moment, I had found peace. Peace with myself, and with the friendship. It was something of the past, and I conquered my fear. I took the step. I removed the negative from the situation. I removed the things that reminded me of the friendship and it’s flaws. I removed myself from the situation finally, and honestly, I can say freely that I don’t miss the pain. All I ever wanted was to find happiness, and I truly believe I’m on my way.19

However, the other week, I had mentioned a memory to my mother about an old friend. I wondered how she was doing. We didn’t know because we had lost contact for so many years. If I’m not mistaken, eleven years. 20

A night of reminiscing and prayer had been ended abruptly when the phone rang. It was an unknown number. I answered it, a little confused as to who could be calling at midnight. I heard my father’s voice. He told me, “You probably won’t remember, but here it goes anyways.” He handed the phone over to someone else. It was the friend I had mentioned the other week! After eleven years, I remembered her voice. We picked up right where we left off, and we both managed to say at around the same time, “Wow… we were the best of friends…”21

Proud of myself for finding my center and balance, the anxiety and fear has finally left me. I feel weightless, and on my way to happiness. The one thing I had feared for so long had brought about good, and in fact, helped to bring back pieces of the puzzle of my life.  The past is not something I dwell on anymore, but rather, welcome, with open arms.22