One Day a man named Jerome was out with his girlfriend at the drive in. Seeing the latest movie when his girlfriend got scared. When she saw something running across the road. Jerome said it was nothing but it was. They had heard the rumors of a mysterious creature attacking people. They did’t believe the rumors they thought it was all superstition. All of a sudden the trees started to shake furiously and the screen went black a scream in the darkness and Jerome looked for his girlfriend in the car he found her with a bite mark in her leg. She was badly injured Jerome drove as fast as he could to the hospital but it was no good she was dead from all the blood she lost. Jerome felt horrible so the next night he decided to avenge her by killing the mystery creature. Jerome went to the drive in and the same stuff happened but when the creature lunged for him he jabbed the creature right through the mouth. Still the creature latched on to his leg and killed Jerome instantly. So next time you go to the drive in be careful because the ghost of the beast still attacks innocent movie watchers. 1
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Comments
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This is a lot better than your other works. Good job you are really improving, but you still have some mistakes. Keep working on your stuff.
One Day a man named Jerome was out with his girlfriend at the drive in. Seeing the latest movie when his girlfriend got scared. When she saw something running across the road. Jerome said it was nothing but it was. They had heard the rumors of a mysterious creature attacking people. They did’t believe the rumors they thought it was all superstition. All of a sudden the trees started to shake furiously and the screen went black a scream in the darkness and Jerome looked for his girlfriend in the car he found her with a bite mark in her leg. She was badly injured Jerome drove as fast as he could to the hospital but it was no good she was dead from all the blood she lost. Jerome felt horrible so the next night he decided to avenge her by killing the mystery creature. Jerome went to the drive in and the same stuff happened but when the creature lunged for him he jabbed the creature right through the mouth. Still the creature latched on to his leg and killed Jerome instantly. So next time you go to the drive in be careful because the ghost of the beast still attacks innocent movie watchers.
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This is a great base for your story though I am of the fans of hitchcock that there is some fleshing out to this piece.
It is good writing and those are only my opinions. I piece is finished when you the writer says it is.
pen on
Shadows -
Please keep in mind that my version is not perfect either, this is basically my interpretation of what the story should be like. I believe that there are two parts to a good story, maybe three. First of all is to have a good story, it has to be very original, or if it is not that original, you have to give it that something special. I believe that you have the first part down very nicely. This was a very interesting story. Secondly, the way in which you tell it is very important. I didn't really do it in my version, but ingeneral describing somethign is better than saying it outrigt. Eg when Jerome finds his girl injured, instead of saying that she was badly injured, describe the injury, something like "A deep bite mark was on her leg and blood gushed out at a frightening pase" That is not a very good example, but I trust you get the idea.
How you write down the story is very important. YOu have to keep in mind that your audience doesn't know what you know. You can see the story perfectly in your mind, because it was your idea, but the reader doesnt have that priviledge.
Thirdly, the punctuctuation and spelling is very important. It has to be right. I struggle with this myself, it can only be fixed by attention to details, using a spell checker, and knowing the punctuation and spell rules.
I think you have a talent, just work on it
I'm sorry if i sounded incredibly harsh, but I think you can really make something of your writing
One day a man named Jerome was at the drive-in with his girlfriend. They were seeing the latest movie when his girlfriend got scared, because she saw something run accross the roas. Jerome said that it was probably nothing, but he was wrong. They had heard the rumours of a mysterious creatue attacking people. They thought that it was superstition and did not believe the rumours. The trees started shaking feriusly and the screen went blank as a scream echoed in the darkness. Jerome looked down to fins that his girlfriend had a bite mark in her leg, it looked pretty bad. Jerome drove to the hospital as fast as he could, but she was losing too much blood and died on the way.
Jerome felt horrible and, the next night, he decided to avenge her death by killing the mystery creature. Jerome went back to the drive in where the events of the previous evening repeateed itself. The creature lunged for him and Jerome tried to inflict at least some damage, but the creature was too strong. Jerome was killed. Next time you go to the drive in, remember to keep an eye out, as that mysterious best is still hanging around, killing ionnocent movie watchers. -
This piece has serious potential, but in plaes the sentences are too long, punctuation missing and the word order wrong. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I honestly think that this has some good potential, if you want I could rewrite it and show you how I think it could be?
Thank you also for reading my story
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