Psychotic: part 7-The Disgrace

I sit down on my bed, pulling my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, trying not to cry anymore.  But I’m weak, a pathetic excuse for a human being…a disgrace to my family.  I start humming softly to myself, trying hard to force the tears back but it’s just not happening.  My wrist is already bruised and swollen from banging it on the sink and there’s a steady throb traveling up my arm.1

Finally, my tears begin to slow and my head pounds from crying so heavily.  No one ever hears me cry because I cry silently, only letting the tears cascade down my cheeks and stain my shirt, leaving puffy and red eyes.  I wipe my eyes fiercely and blot at the hollow shadows that are under my eyes with my sleeve.  I bet Doctor Jessi enjoyed the show.  The day McCall Grau broke down and went crazier!  Now I’m more than just a suicidal hardass, I’m a suicidal, emotional hardass that everyone gave up on.  I can see her in my head almost, sitting back in her gray computer chair with that smug smile on her face that makes me want to bang her head against the wall.  I guess you could say that I hate her.  I hate her for not giving up on me, I hate her for trying to help, I hate her for wanting me to get better so I could go back home to my mom and all of her boyfriends.  I hate her for caring.  2

I sit on my bed thinking about all the things my mom had said to me in the Visitors’ Lounge and I couldn’t believe that I was happy about her coming to see me.  But she was right; I was a failure and a disgrace.  Hell, I couldn’t even commit suicide.  It’s supposedly one of the easiest things to and all the times I had tried, I’d failed.3

Once I’m sure that I’m done crying, I lie back in my bed and scowl at the ceiling my heart hammering in my throat.  4

“McCall?” A small voice cracks from my doorway.  I shoot my head up to see the curious brown eyes of Ashley.  “You okay?”  She asks, wringing her tiny, chubby hands.  I nod and she doesn’t believe me.  “You’re crying.”5

I wipe my eyes again and shake my head, “nah, I’m fine.  Look, why don’t you go…check on Josh or something?”  I suggest, she shakes her head and approaches me, cupping her hands around my face.  I jerk away, blinking viciously.  “Ashley, I really don’t feel like visiting today, ok?”6

“Is it because of what happened when you’re mommy came to visit?”  She asks.  My eyes snap back to hers, “I heard.”  She says simply.  7

I sigh and nod, “yeah, it is.  Look, can you just go for a little while?  I’ll tell you about it later, ok?”  She bites her lip and nods, wringing her hands once again.  She offers me a brief smile before walking out the door.  I manage a tiny wave and then I’m alone.  I know that it won’t be long before another doctor or patient comes in to make sure that I haven’t figured out someone to snuff myself out of the picture though.  When you stay in a place like this, you get creative.  A year ago, some girl actually freaked out and smashed a piece of the toilet off to slit her throat with it, the orderlies found her, but apparently she’d nicked her carotid and bled to death on the table.8

Nice.9

I heave a shaky sigh and stand up.  I’m at a loss as to what to do. 10