Love and It's Faults Chapters 1,2, 3 and 4

1

*2

Chapter 1 - I'm new*3

It's my first day of school today. Well, I've been to school before. I'm 13 years old so I'd like to think that I've been to school before. No, it's my first day of starting my new school. I'm excited I guess, but I'm nervous. I've met Tara before on my assessment, I also met Heather. At least I'm sharing a room with them, not some complete strangers. Dad's taking me down, we're checking in right now. Dad's talking to Mr Holland, the head master. I am getting really sweaty. I don't really know what I can do, I'm really shy. Well, not all the time, when I get to know someone I bloom, but until them I'm pretty shy.4

"Hello Stefanie, happy to have you with us!" Said Mr Holland, taking us through the staff room, then out the doors into the playground. "Do you want to go to girls' house this break time or go and see Heather and Tara?"5

I don't say anything, I just smile. He grins at me. "Why don't you go and find Heather and Tara, while me and your dad have a cup of coffee."6

I nod my head and look around me, then head towards the open door of the school. I enter and I am bombarded with eyes on me, even though it's a visually impaired school. 7

"Steffi!" Said Ashley, running up to me. "I remember you, don't think I don't! Remember Cameron?" He pointed to a boy who was sitting on the bench talking about football. I shake my head. Ashley wraps his arms around my shoulders. I flinch and push away slightly as I see Tara and Heather coming down the corridor.8

"Hey Stef, you arrived," said Tara. She was standing next to a tall Blondy haired boy and a short, chubby dark Blondy haired girl. "This is Jane-" she pointed to the chubby girl "-and this is Kieran." She pointed to the tall Blondy haired boy. I smiled and said a silent hello. Heather was on her way down. She was on her own carrying a set of books in her hand and dumped them on the bench where Cameron was sitting. 9

"Ah Stef you made it," she said. "Oh Ashley, do leave her alone!" Said Heather, looking over at Ashley who was obviously making some crude remark. This bloke creeped me out. He had brown hair, pretty short, slightly chubby himself with brown eyes. He was about 5'5', taller than me but not as tall as an average boy of his age. I walked around the corner to where the toilets were. I saw a few girls and guys standing against the wall. A short girl with Blondy hair was talking to a tallish guy with brown shaggy hair and blue eyes. I smiled at the girl, I felt much more comfortable with girls than guys most of the time. She smiled at me in a strange way, pointed at me, then the boy nodded and laughed. I begun to get slightly scared. Was this boy mocking me? Did he think I was funny? A Joke? I ran into the toilets and felt the overwhelming need to cry. I stopped myself however and exited again five minutes later.10

When break was finished I went into the classroom that my form tutor was supposed to be in Mrs Clark, the living skills room. When I entered there was a girl sitting down on a chair. She was very chubby, with dark brown hair. I sat down next to her and waited. Soon after I sat came in the rest of the class including the teacher Mrs Clark. A tall boy who appeared to have problems walking and speaking came in laughing. A short and skinny boy came in and a slightly overweight medium height boy came in, whom I immediately recognised from the newspaper as Alex. I smiled at them all and it appeared that Alex and the skinny boy were looking over in my direction.11

"Hello Stefanie," said Mrs Clark sitting down on a chair also. "This is 8C. Let's all introduce ourselves to Stefanie. Ceri, tell Stefanie what your name is."12

"Ceri, the girl who was sitting on the chair, told me delightedly that her name was Ceri, that she was in this class and she wanted to get to know me. Then, the boy who was tall with the walking difficulty was asked to introduce himself. His stutter was pretty hard to understand at first but I recognised his talking by his name being Stephen. I said hello to Steve. Then the skinny boy spoke without being asked.13

"My name is Dan!" he said, smiling at Alex who gave him a weird look and a snigger. I just sat there.14

"My name's Alex." Said Alex, in a slightly bored tone.15

"And I'm Mrs Clark," said Mrs Clark. "We are your form and we hope you are very happy in this class. I am sorry we do not have more time to get to know each other, however if there is any problems in the coming classes please let me know. Stefanie is a very intelligent girl and will fit in very well. Ceri and Dan have both offered to show you round."16

"Excuse me Mrs Clark," I say. "But if you don't mind me asking how much can everyone see."17

"Well, Ceri's blind except from light, so is Steve. Dan has light perception, can see the shape of objects and can see colours and outlines of people and Alex is pretty much similar to your sight."18

I nod. The class stands up and we head to our first lesson which happens to be French. I met the French teacher, Mrs Macmillan whom is a very nice woman. She is into the topic of colours. How to spell them, how to pronounce them and all that. I was very much confused by I tried very hard to understand. After this was English, in which I got to meet Mr Holdon the English teacher. He seemed happy to meet me, telling me that he saw my SAT's results and hoped good things with me would come.19

That night I stayed with Dad. I was very scared. I didn't want to go to girls' house. I pretended I was ill. But when it came to 11.00a.m the next morning dad had to leave and I had to go to the last two lessons before lunch. I gave my cuddle to dad and told him I'd miss him and I'd call him tonight.20

I then went to see Mrs Clark and by the time our talk was finished, it was time for my last lesson before lunch. It was Maths. I met my Math's teacher Mrs Hallet, who seemed to be strict but she was a nice woman, well dressed and polite. Because it was my first lesson she explained what we'd be doing this month and we played a game of elevens'. I didn't really know how to play but they explained. We had 4 matches of it, I won all 4. Alex nearly flipped, saying a girl never beat him at the game and that he couldn't believe it. I smiled at gave my first bit of a talk on my way out of the class I chanted 'I Won, I Won, I Won'. Dan seemed to be in a solemn mood, muttering something about it being to late or something to Alex. When I asked Alex he smiled.21

"He asked Emma out this morning," he smirked. "But he wanted to ask you, but you weren't here, so he asked her instead. He can't take it back now, though."22

I just shrugged my shoulders and went to lunch. I was on the same table as Dan and Mrs Clark. Dan needed some help pouring his drink and me and him had a bit of a laugh. He was telling me he was going to order a laptop for year nine and that he hated Maths. I was introduced to some of the other students by Mrs Clark such as little Alice, Abby, the year 7 and Maggie. Maggie to a liking to me straight away, almost magically. 23

At lunchtime I sat down by myself. Tara kept checking on me every five minutes to see if I was being attacked by Ashley. By the end of lunch break I was getting my bag with Tara. The tall boy with brown hair was behind me, she told me to stay clear of him, then left me. I bent down to get my bag from underneath the bench and he bent down with me. I smiled nervously as I picked up my bag.24

"Hey, Stef, right?" He said.25

"Er yeah gotta go!" I said, running away, worried that he was some violent psychopath or something.26

After lunch it was into afternoon lessons. I was glad when the day was over, but less glad when I had to go for tea, closer to having to be sleeping away from home with strangers. I sat next to Ashley on the table. He was sitting next to Cam, who was sitting next to his best mate Chris whom was next to Tara. On the other side it was Heather opposite Tara, next to the girl who was talking to the tall guy who was next to Alex. I was very shy. I was eating happily but the boys' were having there dirty little conversations. Ashley was quiet, which I had learnt was a strange thing. His head was into his bowl. I felt sorry for him. 27

Looking around the dining hall I saw Mag's, who was sitting with Paula. There was no Dan or Steve, as they did not stay in house. Ceri was next to a member of staff I didn't know and she was giggling her heart out. i sighed deeply. I looked at the table to the left of us, as nobody sat on the right side table. I didn't notice any of the blokes who sat there, not properly. I recognised the tall boy and I was sure I recognised this other boy as Daniel Russel, but that was all. While I was deep in thought I felt a hand on my leg. I tried hard not to scream so instead I just sat still. It was obvious that it was Ashley, as Alex was munching away on a chocolate biscuit. I looked in Ashley's eyes and he smiled at me.28

"You like that baby?" I said nothing. I just looked away towards Ceri's direction yet again... Oh wasn't tea time fun.29

When it was time to leave tea, I stood up. The girl who was talking to the tall guy came over and said hi. I was reluctant to say hi as I didn't know what she had said about me. The girl then walked over to Tara, whom came back to me asking why I wasn't going to talk to the girl, Emma.30

"I heard her talking to someone about me and well... I'm a bit shy as well, as you know." I said, shuffling my feet.31

"Don't worry, I'm shy too, most of the time." Said Emma, smiling at me. Emma and me walked our way back to girls' house up to Tara and Heathers room. I don't really know what happened to the two of them but my bags had been brought up and I talked to Emma as I begun to unpack.32

"You know, I don't know you all that well but... I was wondering - if you could give me a little bit of advice."33

I blinked by eyes and then smiled. "Of course, what are friends for."34

"Well, this guy Dan asked me out earlier, it was in the library. We've been friends since nursery, but I thought I may as well give him a chance. Problem is, I went out with Alex a few months ago, I don't think Alex is coping to well with it, he wont talk to me or Dan."35

"Yeah, I know, Dan and Alex are in my class," I said, sitting down and putting my nightie underneath my pillow. "They both seem okay. I mean, Alex is a bit whiny, I guess, but he's nice. Dan too."36

"Oh yeah, they're both my friends," said Emma. "I just... Don't know how it'll work."37

"Well see how it goes for a couple of days," I say. "Mind you, how would I know, I've never had a boyfriend."38

"Why not? Your pretty!" Said Emma.39

"Thanks, but I don't think so."40

"Well, let's put it this way, I know plenty that have there eyes on you, you better be careful."41

I smiled at her and she smiled back.42

"Like WHO?" I said, jokingly.43

"Like Ash. He's mad on you, you should see the way he looks at you!"44

"Ash is just weird. Next!"45

"Karl."46

"Who?"47

"Karl, Karl Jarvis. He's the one who has a bit of an attitude with the teachers. Also wears allot of red, it's for his team."48

"Liverpool or Manu?"49

"Ugh Manu, I hate football... Unless some hot guys are going to be playing it, then I pay attention to them, not the ball!" 50

I giggle in agreement and smile. "What's he like?"51

"Karl, he's alright. Confusing guy, very hard to read."52

"Sounds like every guy to me, what makes you think he fancies me?"53

"Well, maybe it's just Russ being a bit of a jackass, which wouldn't be the first time, but he said he was wanking over you last night."54

"He was whatting, sorry?"55

"Wanking... Playing with his dick, moaning your name..."56

"Oh my fuck- I mean, no way." I mutter. "That's gross."57

"Your tellin me, he must think your hot though. Horny bastard though, that guy. Anyway, there's a few. Then of course there is James."58

"James who?"59

"James Douglas, tall, brown hair..."60

"Ah yes, the one who pointed at me, you nodded and he laughed?"61

"Indeed."62

"What was that all about."63

"He said 'I fancy Stefanie, a new girl, she's really pretty... Can you talk to her for me'. So I asked him if it was you, he said yes and pointed at you, laughing at his own mistake. I guess he really likes you, he don't go for many girls. Very quiet is James. He really wants me to get you to talk to him though."64

"Really, maybe I'll have a look out for him tomorrow," I suggest.65

Emma goes home pretty much after that and Tara and Heather come up to bed. We have a little chat about our day and about the new Harry Potter which is out in a few weeks' time. That night I slept awful. I was afraid of going to the toilet unless I woke someone up. I was glad when morning came, though it was nearly impossible to wake me up. Tara had to hit me over the head with a pillow.66

The morning was pretty good, actually. It was sunny and it was also Thursday, what more could you want in a day?67

Breakfast was pretty quiet with Ashley and Alex whom seemed to be half asleep at there food. However, Cam and Chris insisted on having a disgusting conversation. I was half asleep and was nudged by Ashley, saying Cam was talking to me.68

"What Cam?"69

"Hear about Dougie?"70

"Who?"71

"James Doug!"72

"What about him, Cam, I'm tired."73

"He was having a good old wank for you last night. Karl heard it, apparently, so did Russ. Russ wants to know if you'd like him to whack Doug out for you."74

"That wont be needed, thank you Cam," I say. "I doubt he was."75

"Oh yeah," Cam muttered. "I wanna fuck your pussy stef and hearing moaning is not wanking over-"76

"CAMERON!" yells Tara. "Don't be disgusting, Stef don't like it."77

"Your right, I don't, Thanks Tar."78

Most of that day was pretty boring. Art was fun though, although Mrs Stafford had to have allot of moans at Alex and Dan for not paying attention. Dan was asking me for love advice with Emma in which Alex was telling me Dan was a traitor, no true friend of his and that he was glad I was there. 79

That afternoon I was with Heather at lunchtime. We had a little read in the library then she had to go to class. Mrs Clark had asked me to get the register. Heather was late but she told me to go with James, who happened to be lingering around the library.80

"You'll take Stef to reception, wont you?"81

"Oh yeah sure thing." he said, smiling. I walked along with him in which he went very silent.82

"Er... I'm in the same transport as you, you know er I um...."83

"Really, that's good. I have someone to talk to on Friday except Tom Crook."84

He laughed and smiled at me. "Yeah, good point. Our drives a bit weird though. He pervs over the girls when we go past."85

"Paedophile?" I said, shocked.86

"Oh no no, of age girls, just much younger than he is you know er, I'm James by the way."87

"Yeah I know, I'm Stef."88

"Yeah I know that."89

"Yeah so I've heard."90

"What do you mean?"91

"Oh you know Cam is spreading some stuff that I'd really rather not mention out loud but-"92

"Just say it alright, every ones always spreading shit about me."93

"He said you wanked-"94

"Uh oh-"95

"Last night, over me. Apparently Karl and Daniel Russel heard, or something."96

"Shouldn't even be listening-"97

"Supposedly with an I wanna fuck stef and a play or something, that's what Cam said, not me."98

"As I say, he shouldn't be listening."99

I took that as a yes stef I done that, so I kept quiet. "I'll see you tomorrow then. We can talk. Got any music with you?"100

"Yeah I got Abba."101

"Oh good, I love Abba. Have a good day James." I say, when we party at the reception. 102

"You too, you sure your alright getting back?"103

"I'm sure thanks. Thank you very much."104

"My pleasure!" He said, then walked off.105

*Chapter 2 - A Boyfriend!*106

When Friday came I sat next to James on the bus. We got to know each other really well for two hours. I had told him things about me I hadn't told many people after two years, let alone two hours. But he made me feel comfortable... I didn't believe that Tara had a reason to dislike him, I would ask her why when I got back. We exchanged email addresses and then I headed home on my taxi with Tom Crook. Tom's autistic. He has some mad obsession with Polyphonic Ringtones and computer modems. I don't know why, strange thing to be mad on, why not something I like too? But no matter. I was so glad to get home that when I actually arrived I flung my arms and mum and cried. 107

I told her about the whole week... Well, except the rude bits. She was glad I had made a few friends and that I had got on especially well with James and Emma. She had told me she spoke to James dad before I started the school, which slightly shocked me. But then again, I was easily shocked.108

The next day on Saturday 21st I logged on and James and I had a long conversation. He then asked me out, beating around the bush a little like he sometimes does the 'oh I have something to say never mind' hasn't ever stopped. I said yes to going out with him and so it was; James and I going out. Mum was thrilled, of course. Stefanie, a boyfriend and told Claire, Nina and Gran, obviously. Who shared as much joy as if I had just got through to the final round of Pop Idol. 109

On Monday I was pretty nervous to go back. I mean, Cam and Chris annoyed me but it was just being away from mum and dad that done the worst to me. I sat next to James on the way to school. Jake and Karl were in the front. Jake giving me evils and brushing past me as if I was the worst thing in the world that could happen to the country, as I was Hitler and he was Churchill. As if that would have bothered me with the company of James who was quiet, but not that quiet that you couldn't maintain a decent conversation. I told him I would rather nobody in school, except Emma, know about us going out. He was reluctant but agreed, probably worried I'd dump him otherwise.110

When I arrived at girls house Emma and I delved into a serious conversation about Daniel.111

"Stef, I really am getting annoyed with this... He's been calling me ALL weekend. It's doing my head in..."112

"Well, Em, I guess I can't really say anything but tell him that it's not going to well..."113

"Hm... I will do," said Emma, shaking her head. "Anyway, you, James, anything happen?"114

"Oh Emma let's carry on talking about Dan..."115

"That means a yes!" 116

"No no no it means nothing I-"117

"Did he ask you out?"118

"Emma!"119

"Well, did he?"120

"Yes, he did." I said, folding my arms and trying to give her a pretend fuck-off look. 121

"Did you say yes?" she said, unfazed.122

"Yes- But I am not telling anyone in school."123

"Whoopee! Stefanie got her first boyfriend! Emma said running round the room. She giggled and settled down. "But you told me?"124

"Only you are to know, OK? ONLY YOU!"125

"So not Tara or Heather?"126

"No chance."127

Emma smiled at my reaction and then we started having a long conversation about kissing. I had no clue how to do it but I guess I was going to find out.128

School was pretty boring. This Monday Mrs. Clark had a go at Dan. Dan was winding Alex up about Arsenal and banged him on the arm 'my accident'. I said nothing, of course, just sat there like a stewed prune. Rather not get involved in their arguments. Ashley came in, too, at lunch break. Cuddling me in the playground.129

"Ashley, I'd rather you didn't-"130

"Didn't what?" he said, mocking me.131

"Touch me, Ashley. Your getting a bit close." I was pretty proud with myself for saying this. It unfazed Ashley, however, who leaned his face in towards mine. In shock, fear and anger I pulled back and banged into the boy I presumed to be the name of Karl as he was the perfect description of what Emma gave me.132

"Sorry Karl..." I said, backing off. He muttered something like how do you know my name and walked off, glaring at Ashley as if he perhaps had just tried to strangle his mother. Ashley followed me, leaning on my shoulder, trying to hold my hand. James walked towards our direction, Kieran on the other side. Kieran looked sulky, he'd obviously got a bashing from Mr Davey or Mrs Hallett. James, on the other hand looked furious as he walked towards Ashley and I.133

"What the fuck are you doing Davy?"134

"No business to yours... Or are you turning into Heather Shevrook all of a sudden?"135

"Oh leave it guys!" I said, putting my hands over my head to bloke the argument. James grabs my shoulder, where I pull away, in fear that Kieran or Ashley would put two and two together and get four. As indeed, Kieran did not seem dumb. 136

"Oi, why you let him do that and not me?" James said, in a sulky voice. Kieran seemed to have perked up. He was smiling at Ash and James, who I had presumed he both disliked and grinned at me. "Wanna walk?"137

"Please." I said.138

James stared at me as if I had just dumped him, Ashley gave me the look like 'you left me alone with this bastard' and Kieran looked like he had just had Christmas early.139

"Oh Stef... That is class," he said. "Imagine. Davey and Dougie fighting over you. Think of Davey as Kennedy and Dougie as Khrushchev and you as Cuba and you got the right idea."140

I had no idea what he was on about, of course. But I presumed it was something Mr Davey had gave him for homework or something. He had walked me to the yard and he had his arm on my shoulder, too. This time I didn't move away as he had saved my life from a bit of a disaster. Plus, he was only 12 and I doubted he would be much harm to Ashley or James. I also doubted it was in a 'I fancy you Stef' way. It was more a 'let's be friends' way.141

Tuesday was the worst day, however, I had yet at the school. As first I had swimming with Mrs Clark (Which possibly could have made it unbearable as it was) but James was helping. My period was on, luckily, but however James decided to come over and ask me to look after his watch. I was glad he had forgot the Ashley incident and I agreed. He told me he didn't want to keep it a secret, where I told him he had to keep it a secret. He went off in a huff and I just sat there, trying to drift off... Moody guys, aren't they? I thought, as I heard Rob telling Steve to get in the pool...142

"Oh Stef... Dougie told me!" I heard Cam leer at me at lunch time break, giggling. "Good to have him as your boyfriend?"143

"Er he ain't- What?" I said, blinking my eyes at him. Not that it would work as he was blind, but it was a habit.144

"He TOLD us you are... You two are an item! Whats' he like? Stink? Lie? Is he the biggest tosser in the dating community?"145

I heard Chris snickering behind Cameron's back. I snarled at him, surprising him, but not scaring him.146

"I don't know - I mean I don't care - Cameron it's nothing to do with you!"147

"Tis you need a guard. Chris and I will take turns... When we get bored we can change it to Karl and Ashley. When they get tired, which we are sure they will after shagging your brains out all night..."148

"eww..."149

"Mm turning you on is it? If James fucks you you'd rather Karl or Ash fucked you and that's saying something cos Karl's a fucking cu-"150

"NO Cameron!"151

"Your disturbing her Cammie!" said Chris, snickering. I walked away, feeling like I was going to puck. I was going to get my hands on James and... and, well, tell him off... What else?152

I don't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe he done this to me. I forgave him for fucking telling everyone we where going out and he fucking asks Tara to go fucking out. Of course, I hear it from Tara herself. Who, obviously new about us going out and found it funny and gave me no sympathy. Heather decided to tell me it would be okay and to just dump the git. Of course this helped none and even talking to Emma I couldn't get a sure thing out of it.153

I was sitting in the History room, it being Wednesday with Mrs Macmillan's homework. Colours of football teams. I forgot to ask Dad to help me. I wrote down Liverpool and but blanc and rouse. I then sat blankly looking into space, wondering what to do about James. Then the boy known as Karl and the boy I also new as Daniel Russel came in. Daniel was snickering at Karl, who was looking at if he was going to thump Daniel.154

"Er..." I said silently.155

"Yes?" said Karl, in the lightest voice I think he could manage with his deep male voice.156

"Er you a football fan?"157

"Oh yeah," Karl said. "I got my two teams and I know most others. Why?"158

"Oh I got this French homework got to change the colours of football teams into French colours... Can you give me the names and colours and I do the rest?"159

"Yeah sure!" Said Karl, thumping himself right next to me. 160

"Enjoy yourself KARL," said Daniel. "I will leave you ALONE so that you can THINK hard about the TEAMS... and maybe other things." he walked out the door singing I'm horny. I looked at Karl and smiled nervously.161

"So, er firstly?"162

"Oh yes, Man u. They are Red-" and we started doing all the colours. Mr Davey came in, worried about me being with Karl, when he realised he was actually helping he left. Karl told me his famous was catholic and he was a very hard worker. I new it was a lie, bound to be, but I could tell the tone of wanting to impress me. We went to tea together laughing about something silly no doubt. He even came back with me after tea to talk to me. Cassie kept winding us up saying we'd make a cute couple. Karl would say nothing at all just smile.163

The next day, which happened to be a Thursday, was a stressful day. Daniel and Alex wouldn't stop arguing and winding me up about James. Asking if I'd give James a full on blowie and I just shook them off, feeling sick.164

Later on Karl came over to see me again. We went round the corner and he said to me he had to ask me something. I said sure and asked him what it was.165

"Will you go out with me Stef?"166

I sat there for a second, wondering the politest way of saying no... then I thought. Wait a fucking second, James had just tried to ask another girl out... He would have double crossed me if Tara said yes, so why not do it to him? Besides, I needed my revenge... How could he make me look so stupid. 167

I smiled at Karl and opened my mouth up and said. "Yeah sure Karl I'll go out with you."168

Me and Karl sat for what felt like ages talking about what it felt like to be going out. Of course, I didn't tell him I was still going out with James. I should have, but anger was boiling inside of me and I was fed up of being the soppy caring little quiet one in the corner. So, I just didn't be it anymore. 169

That night he cuddled me and left. He had obviously told Tara as Tara came up to my room and confronted me about the idea. She didn't seem to bothered, but Heather was annoyed, saying I was being stupid and that he was just like James. I didn't really know, nor care, what Heather thought at this precise moment. I would do what I liked and she could fuck off if she didn't like it. 170

The next morning Karl was sitting waiting for me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I was slightly nervous at this but I ignored it.171

He was in our England lesson later on in the day. It was a choice of film from what Mr Holdon had. Of course, Steve picked the Lord of the Rings so we watched that. Karl sat down behind me, resting his head on my neck and kissing my neck. I shivered. It felt kind of creepy. He sat beside me when Alex went to the dentist. He held my hand as we watched the film. Mr Holdon didn't flinch, nor did Dan. Steve was making gollum impressions which genuinely made me and Karl laugh. He said that he loved me and that he was going to phone me up this weekend.172

Just before leaving I went to go get my bags in girlhouse. It was Friday morning and Karl came in with me. He tried to kiss me but I blocked it slightly. "Another time!" I said and rushed out. He said he would phone me this weekend at that he would miss me. I nodded, and left towards the direction of the hall were I would collect my taxi. James sat down tutting and sighing with his head in his hands. I tried not to sit next to him but there was either him or Daniel Russel. I took the seat next to James and gave my own sighing match. He looked up at me, tears in his eyes and then put his head down in his lap again. He was crying most of the journey back...173

*Chapter 3 - Never trust a horny guy174

*175

All weekend I was missing him. I was kind of yearning for him and he wasn't even my boyfriend at the moment. It was crazy, because he kinda was my boyfriend but wasn't at the same time. He was kinda great and yet an asshole at the same time. Of course it didn't stop me from loving him of course which I did with all my heart and more. 176

Karl texts me during the weekend about a hundred times saying that he loved me and couldn't stop thinking about me. Also that he loved me and that he had broken his arm or nearly anyway whilst riding his bike... Clever.177

The Monday was a dreadful day, if I can say so myself. It was pretty loud, everyone making fun of me because I was Jarvis's 'bitch'. I didn't like being known as homebody's bitch and neither would you, trust me.178

That night Karl came over to see me. I felt sick, the night before I hadn't barely slept. James had told me about fingering and making a girl touch him who had other problems when he was 13. It made me sick, scared... He was trying to bring my trust back. I guess it was a very bad way to bring someones trust back up, it scared me. All night I thought about if he was telling me the whole story. If truly it had only been that. After all, he said that the girl told Paula it was sex. It made me sick to my stomach to think that I was close to someone who done something like that. I cried, unfortunately, and couldn't sleep.179

Karl was sitting in front of me in the back of the social room and he could see my discomfort. "What is it honey?" he asked me.180

"Nothing," I muttered under my breathe. "Nothing." But there was something but nothing I could tell him.181

"Is it about Dougie."182

"Karl, just leave it... alright."183

"No, your my girlfriend I'm not just leaving it! What did Dougie do baby?"184

I look at him with fear, angry and frustration. For two reasons. Him trying to force the secret out of me and for him calling me baby. I kept cool however and shook my head. My 13 year old brain was struggling to keep everything together and whilst I was good with advise and grown-up for my age this was proving to be extremely difficult.185

"TELL ME!" he said, loud enough to make me tremble in fear, quiet enough for attention not to be drawn to us. He leaned closer to me and placed the palms of his hands against my breasts and begun to squeeze. I could feel my heart begin to jump and it felt like it was going MPH. I didn't know what to do - Karl was a big guy. Probably around ft, strong, bit of extra weight... I wasn't going to win a fight with him. He smiled at me. "Come on Stef tell me and I'll stop."186

No matter how much I hated James right now I wasn't going to give in. For my pride sake and for the fact I secretly was in love with James. I shook my head, tears beginning to come to the surface of my eyes. In sheer panic I pushed him away and he smiled, not attempting the intimacy again.187

"So... Dan and Alex been pissing you off?"188

"Kinda," I muttered. "They argue allot. Mostly about me."189

"Ah well your a sexy girl," he said, smiling. "So, did Dougie shag someone?"190

"KARL... I said leave it... Please." I new the please at the end was no help to me, but it had to come out. Just in case the big guy was going to come full throttle down on me. 191

"I'm not leaving it. Who did he shag? Come on tell me..." He leaned forward again but this time he had his hands on my ass. He pulled me up with them so his hands were embracing my ass cheeks and he was feeling them, pressing me up against him. I could feel fear overwhelm me again. This wasn't right, Karl shouldn't be doing this - even if he is going out with me and even if he is annoyed with me. I pushed him more firmly this time away from me.192

"Don't get tetchy baby, you should tell me you know. How did Heather take the news about us going out?" 193

I felt like yelling at him, 'nothing! As I'm dumping you now.' but I was to afraid. The adrenaline had gone and I was left alone with a guy who I really didn't know very well and could do anything he wanted to me. "Not much really."194

"Shevvy's never liked me much..." Said Karl, grinning. Something about the way he grinned made me feel so nervous. Even the smell of his deodorant lingered around me and I new I'd never forget that smell... His voice, was haunting me now. It made me feel like a kid, like I was when I was little... So afraid, so naive... So helpless. 195

"OK baby, you wanna forget about telling me about Dougie that's OK..." he said. I took a deep inhalation. Thank god for that.196

Before however I could celebrate he had brought his chair closer to me. His hand was on my leg now between my knee and my thigh. I could feel a strange tingly feeling in between my legs and guilt begun to over run me. Was this being... sexually excited? Oh fuck it couldn't be, don't tell me that! I'm a filthy whore, I kept telling myself over and over again. He was looking at me directly in the eyes and although I had nystagmus my eyes were totally fixed on Jarvis's face. He was looking deep into my eyes as well, mocking me. 197

"Wanna get a little closer... Baby." He said. I turned my head away, ashamed of any reaction I may give him. A slap or a kiss would have both been as deadly as each other right now. His hand begun to raise up my leg, it was tight as I tried to pull it away, he took my other hand to stop me from pulling it away.198

"Come on Stef am I making you horny? Do you really want me to stop?"199

I could feel tears emerging. I was panicking inside, every bone in my body was ready to leap up, I just couldn't. I just couldn't. 200

"I bet Dougie wants to fuck you... Do you want to fuck me..."201

I shook my head, that was all I could manage.202

"Nobody will here I'll do it nice and gentle... Are you a virgin...?"203

I did not answer. His grip tightened.204

"Yes." I managed to say, but it wasn't really a word, it was more of a plead. I was so scared. I had seen Mo Slater being raped by Trevor, being humiliated... But you'd never imagine that it would happen to you. I needed to cry, I needed to tell him to stop... I had to, my life depended on it... What if he got me pregnant? What if I got an STD? What would happen then? Oh GOD...205

He now moved his hand totally in between my legs. I felt a sharp tingly feeling how, burny, in between my legs. I was definitely horny. I wasn't going to show him, I was already ashamed of myself. I hated myself, I couldn't even look down at his hands because I new they were there. His index finger poked around my crotch moving quickly over my vagina. I let a low moan out, he was freaking me out yet I was getting thrills. I needed to stop this right here.206

"Karl please!! Please Karl stop it."207

"I can feel your getting wet."208

"What? Down there? No no I'm not! No please stop!!"209

"You know you are Stef don't fucking fight it don't make me fucking angry." I could hear the violent words and then I new I had to do something. He wasn't just getting horny he was getting aggressive.210

"NO Karl remove your hands now or-"211

"Or fucking what you'll do what I fucking say bitch!" His fingers went more around my vaginal area, although fully clothed it hit a nerve. I was muttering, I was scared. Karl was hurting me emotionally and pleasuring me physically.212

"Like it Stef!" Karl moaned himself, he now had one hand in between his legs playing with what I presumed was his penis over his clothes. He could obviously see I wasn't prepared or able to fight. I kept saying no, getting a bit louder.213

"Yes you fucking do slut you want me to fuck you!" I begun to cry this time, proper crying. "You want to touch and suck my cock and for me to fuck you with it don't you? Hey don't you? I said DON'T YOU!"214

"NO GET OFF OF ME!!" I yelled, Paula zoomed around the corner.215

"JARVIS! JARVIS! WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED HERE! STEF GO UP TO YOUR ROOM ILL SORT HIM OUT!!! NOW!!!!"216

I shook up. In between my legs, even through my clothes, damp. My heart hammering, tears running down my eyes. I was in hysterics. I ran to my room, behind me I could hear Karl's voice, "You will fucking pay bitch I was so fucking close to fucking her Lahey!" That was to a member of staff, I was glad I was out of there.217

I ran up to Heather, Tara was away as she had to go to hospital. I cried, she rushed up and asked what was wrong. I told her the whole story of what happened with Karl. "No offense hon, but I did warn you."218

"Yes you did!" I cried. "I'm sorry I'm stupid I-"219

"Sometimes we have to learn for ourselves," said Heath, cuddling me. "It's OK." 220

She held me for about an hour, tears running down my eyes she told me that James was no good for me either. I text Karl telling him I'd dumped him and then turned my phone off. That night was restless I may say, guiltiness and wondering what would have happened if Paula didn't turn up.221

In the morning I turned my phone on and I had 20 voice mail messages. All from Karl, a couple with him crying. I felt guilty for making him cry, but certainly not for dumping him. He tried to call me and I just hung up on him. I was going to be fine without him.222

That day was dreadful. Karl went for Heather, believing it was her idea for me to dump him. Coming out of Science going into Art he stopped me, grabbed my wrist and told me to go back out with him again.223

"NO Karl NO you have gone to far-"224

"I can change I mean it I can! It was a total and utter-"225

"Forge it!" I yelled, pulling his grip from my wrists. "Forget it. I hate you." I turned away and walked into the Art room. Daniel and Alex stood gaping mouthed at my braveness and rudeness towards Karl. They had never seen me like this before and they clearly didn't want to.226

Later on that week me and James made up with each other. I didn't tell him what happened, only that Karl had upset me. I couldn't, it was to hard...227

But we started going out with each other again. We said our sorrows, we both Had done wrong... That was the important thing... and we had learnt from our mistakes. So we were together now and we should be forever... In my opinion.228

*Chapter 4 - Keep your mouth shut*229

It’s Monday and my third week at school. I’m laying on my bed reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Heather’s doing the same. I can’t help thinking to myself on what I’m going to do about Karl this week. He was phoning me this weekend. I kept hanging up of course, but I wanted to pick up… Part of me felt deep sympathy. I had used him and although what he had done to me was bad I just could’t help feel a need to apologise to him. Of course, most of me was consumed by fear and I passed him off and got on with my life at home. Mum wasn't’t very happy. Nina and Gran had a fight. Elissa heard it as well, which was not a nice thing. I was used of there fighting and barking at each other. Many a time have I heard it.230

When school came round I sat in Mrs Clark's room alone. Well, Ceri was sitting down fiddling with the papers on Mrs Clark's desk. I new she wasn't’t supposed to, but my energy level was low so I decided to say nothing. Ash came in with Karl. I could feel a jolt in my stomach as the fear of another repeat of the week before was almost imminent. However Ash came over to me and Karl dumped a piece of paper on Mrs Clark's desk. Without further ado he grunted at Ash and I and left the room. 231

The day was torture. Alex and Daniel joking about Karl and James, I could’t be bothered with it. I had already figured out my maths skills were bellow average all I needed now as jokes about blokes. Even at break time I avoided James. I never hung round with him, although he was my boyfriend. It felt strange. I couldn't’t even get the concept I was somebody’s girl. Although Cameron and Chris kept reminding me of that. 232

It was now to the last week before summer. Well, my last week before summer. I guess I was looking forward to going to Bulgaria. I was sitting next to Emma, it was this raising money for something-or-other day. This bloke who had done a walk through the North Pole was there, talking. Emma was giggling, trying to distract me as much as possible as she was bored. I could here behind me the mutter of Daniel and Alex giggling. By this time Emma and Daniel had broke up. Daniel was blaming me as I gave Emma ‘The wrong advice.’ or something or other. I mean, I told her to tell him how she felt. As he kept dumping her I suggested that she gets there before him this time. Nothing wrong with that, right?233

Beside Daniel was Karl. He was sitting with Daniel. Karl had been quiet with me, not uttering a word except a grunt when I went past. Oh it was rude I know, but it was almost expected. Of course, we had not been going out for two weeks now. It was funny though, big hard Karl Jarvis still being upset about 3 years younger Stefanie whom he barely new. I wasn't’t going to argue though, it was through. I was thinking about James and Karl while the bloke went on. James had just ticked me off, he was going on about me still fancying Karl and that it annoyed him Kieran and Ashley trying to hug me. As if I could prevent it. Well, without causing a serious argument I couldn't’t. 234

“It was unbelievable… I couldn't’t believe it when I reached the end. All thoughts of Glory overwhelmed me and I-”235

Oh give it a rest mate. Just ‘cos you went to the North Pole don’t mean your Jesus. However, it wasn't’t really him that was wanting this whole speech to go on… It was Andrew Penman, the deputy head. James was behind me, he called my name. I ignored him, afraid of getting into trouble in the middle of the speech. The speech soon drew to a close however and I turned round to talk to him.236

“Yes…?”237

“Oh Stef, look I’m sorry about flipping over Karl it was just--”238

Before he could finish his sentence I was being pulled away by Mrs Clark. “Come on now, over to the Trampoline. Bring Ceri with you.”239

I grunted under my breathe. I hated guiding Ceri. As patient as a girl I am guiding Ceri does try your patience to the limit. Sighing loud enough for Ceri and Mrs Clark to here me I guide her over to the Trampoline. I take my shoes off and sit down next to Taryn. 240

“How’s your mum?” I ask.241

“She’s fine!” Says Taryn, voice stuttering. Oh well at least she wasn't’t Hannah James.242

I sat on the floor and whilst watching Naomi from class T bouncing on one of those bouncy ball things I done one myself. However after about 20 bounces (and frustration I couldn't’t do it as well as Naomi) Karl came over. He sat down next to me. I begun to panic again, feeling a sudden adrenaline pumping through me.243

“Hiya Stef.” he said. I was against the wall at this time sitting on the grass, the bit between the medical centre and the swimming pool. 244

“Hi Karl.” I say timidly, but smiling at him so not to appear rude. Me getting the impression my smile gave off a different impression he leaned over me. “Stef I miss you…”245

“I don’t you do Karl and I-” I was so afraid I was going to say miss you too. Why? I had a boyfriend… Maybe a bit possessive one but a good one non the less… Why would I say that? Sympathy? 246

I didn't’t have enough time to think, Karl was on top of me pressing into me before I new it. He was on top of my body which was pressed to the grass. Taryn came over and told Karl to get off me.247

“Piss off Taryn, come on Stef…”248

“Taryn… Get… Mrs Clark… Now Karl please get off me.”249

“I love you Stef I ain't trying to hurt you I wanna do it somewhere else…”250

His lips came close to mine. I could feel the adrenaline of fear pumping through me. “I love you too Karl just please get off okay please just get off.”251

“What did you just say, Stef?” he had heard it. I only just realised ‘I said it myself. I new why, of course… Anything to get him off me… Luckily Mrs Clark was walking my way.252

“KARL JARVIS! KARL JARVIS! OFF STEFANIE NOW! I MEAN IT!” She grabbed Karl by the scruff of the neck and yanked him up. “If I ever see you do that again Jarvis…”253

“Oh leave it woman,” he said, tutting. Mrs Clark went off, giving Karl a scathing look as she went past. “You love me Stef?”254

“Yes Karl I love you but I’m going out with James so you’ll have to-”255

“Keep it quiet. Yeah, I know…” He said, smiling in a way that was yeah-right-Dougie's-gonna-know. “Maybe if you two don’t work out we can give it another try.”256

“Maybe…”257

“Want me to take you up to Davy? He’s doing the Gym work, you got that next.”258

“Wont be necessary thank you. Mr Davy don’t like you.”259

“Ha ha, how many people do darling…” He says, walking off. I feel myself begin to over panic. I said… I said I loved him. Not because I did, obviously, but that didn't’t matter… James would find out and flip on me… Karl would use this against me forever. I only done this out of fear… How was I to know… I mean, what did I do now?260

I spent most of my time pondering this as Ceri, Steve, Taryn and Naomi went on the trampoline. Even when I had my go I was thinking of it. We went up to the gym next. I was next to Taryn (anything to not have to guide Ms Hayward). On my walk up I saw James. He smiled at me. I didn't’t smile back. He looked at me strange and just as if god was trying to mock me Karl went past.261

“Hi Stef… Again!” he said, brushing past James fast. I brushed past him fast too and shouted, “Speak later honey!” I never called him honey in public, but I guess guilt overtook me. This was going to be a big mistake to erase… So goes a good start before going on holiday.262

That night I went to Emma’s. Roz made us a nice dinner. She was a good cook, she gave you very generous portions as well. She was a really good woman. Emma and I chatted about the events of the day and how Mr Davy made her work her butt off to in the gym. I explained what happened with Karl and James and she told me herself I was a goner. As she put it, “They both have tempers of steal… and love for you of it too.” I told her she wasn't’t helping, no difference, however.263

We went to school together the next morning and everything was pretty much the same. Matt was in the music room playing on the drum kit, Cameron was winding Daniel Russel up about Jane. Everything wasn't’t totally evolving around yesterday, which believe me was a gods send. The day took a long time though. It was swimming and Rob the lifeguard always gave me a hard time. I couldn't’t swim, or I barely could anyway and he likes pushing me so hard I almost burst. 264

When it was time to go home and we got picked up (James, Karl, Jake, Tom and I) James and I sit at the back for a chat. Karl and Jake are sitting at the front again, being little kiddies and playing stupid pranks on each other. James was talking to me about his parents, how they gave him no freedom. I felt sorry for him, I wanted to sort them out. I was upset, because I was going to miss James so much while I was in Bulgaria. I mean, Claire would miss Chris but they thought it was only puppy love with me and James. I did feel like I loved him and I was dreading saying goodbye to him. Of course after our long chats and giggles it was time for me to go and I held him for an extra long time. I gave his hand a squeeze and said goodbye. I was scared. I wanted to say ‘I love you’ to him but something told me inside he would laugh at me. So I left it and went off the couch to my home…265

I felt pretty guilty that weekend, about the Karl thing. I mean, nobody new yet, only just me and him and that was the way I wanted it. But… I shouldn't’t have said it, although I did which I was confused about myself. I was worried James was going to dump me all weekend. As I expected on my holiday I missed James dearly. I wanted him to be with me. He phoned me up and I said sweet nothings to him and he to me. It felt so good to have a boyfriend. Claire thought it was funny - I certainly didn't’t. To me it was real and it was love. She kept saying she missed Chris, which I’m sure she did but I missed James too.. All over the summer I missed James, we talked on the phone and discussed our hatred for Jarvis. However it wasn't’t the same.266

*Chapter 5 - Love and Jealousy*267

The week before I started school again, year nine, a brand new year… So exciting… So strange. It was going to feel weird. SAT’s level! I mean, I new I could do okay… But… Well, SAT’s? What if I failed miserably? The night before he started, which was on the Sunday he phoned me up. His parents had a go at him, he ran up a phone bill for both sides… ours and his. It was a wonder his phone wasn't’t took off him totally. Then again his parents had never liked me anyway. 268

I was scared. He didn't’t really know I was scared. I had been scared since 6p.m that day. He was up in the college now… Which meant a few things…1. He’d forget me 2. Kim, his ex was there… Get back together? Who knows! Talks about her enough at the moment! 3. He’s in the big wide world, able to be hurt. So some of it wasn't’t self-gain, it was for him too… But I was worried about him forgetting me. Well, I’m only a 13 - year - old girl and he’s a 16 - year - old boy. Legal for sex and cigarettes. Wouldn't’t he rather them than me? Why be so attached to me? He was with his ex Kim for 2 years, so he loves reminding me about all the nice things she done for him so what’s to say they wont get back together again? I’m on the phone to him now. He’s telling me he went in to see her in her room. What girl isn't’t going to freak over that? Is James insane? He flips over someone touching me, does he think I wont flip he’s in another girls bedroom? 269

I didn't’t say anything, of course. I didn't’t want him to know I was jealous. I could feel the tension building up inside of me… I wanted to utter the words I put back all summer. The ‘I love you’ words. Three smalls words, three big steps for Stef. I wanted to though, because that was the way I felt, beyond all my choice as I wanted everything in my life to be casual I did love him and I guess it was close to the time I’d have to admit it to myself and to him. 270

“Yeah, she’s fine!” James said, almost as if he was mocking me.271

“That’s good.” I say, I’m eating chicken curry and the hand with the spoon in it shakes. I’m petrified. Would he do it again like he did with Tara? Or has he already? Would he get me back for Karl? I didn't’t know, but I was scared. So scared he loved her, fancied her, liked her more than he did me. I almost new that he did without even having to ask him. I could remember during the summer we had a long conversation. He told me about the things she had done for him. I can tell you now that my heart broke into a thousand pieces. Maybe that was the day I new I loved him? It hurt me to here good words about her, even though he may have done her wrong she was the enemy in my eyes. I was normally not very biased, I didn't’t like putting blame on anyone and taking things out on people but this time was an exception… She had hurt me… So had he. I remember the feeling all to well, the feeling of not being wanted, of being compared… Of putting me down, expecting me to be worse. It was awful. He didn't’t even know that I was crying as we talked… He didn't’t know I didn't’t sleep, that I couldn't’t… He didn't’t know that I prayed he’d care for me as much as I did him.272

“Well Stef I’m missing you - it’s going to be really hard tomorrow. College is hard enough as it is. Jamie’s been trying to help, but he’s new with it himself. Can I phone you up tomorrow… I’m kinda scared. I want your support.”273

“Of course you can, anytime I mean it.”274

“Thank you, your so sweet.”275

Aren't’t I just, I thought to myself. I hear a noise in the background and a girl’s and bloke’s voice. James giggled, or laughed, I mean blokes don’t giggle, right? Unless they’re gay! I took the female to be Kim. Bitch. The other one, the bloke, I didn't’t recognise. 276

“Hey Stef wait a second can I call you back? Kim and Sam have come in-”277

“I heard.” I said, trying not to sound upset, angry, snappy… Nothing. But one of them must of came across. He didn't’t notice however and just went.278

“yeah fine phone you back soon…”279

“Who’s on the phone James darlin?” said Kim in the background. James hung up. I got mad. Then the feeling of sadness came over me. This was stupid. I had finished eating and I was now feeling sick. Sick with jealousy, no doubt. Although I didn't’t really need to be. It was his loss. But to me it wasn't’t it was mine and I was useless and ugly and annoying. I lay for ten minutes feeling the urge to throw up. James called half an hour later, or nearly, which made me feel even more suspicious. 280

“Sorry about that - got caught up.”281

“Yeah I bet!” I said, feeling the snappiness come out of me. 282

“What is it, Stef?” he asked sincerely. 283

“They out of the room?”284

“Just leavin,” he said. “Why?”285

“’Cos I can’t talk about anything private when losers are in the room.”286

“Losers. Stef, what’s gotten into you?”287

“Oh nothing. Inner demons, no doubt. Anyway how are-” I could feel the jealousy boiling inside of me and the need to cry, he wanted her back and not me he’d dump me soon on this very phone call. “-are-uh I’m going to be sick-” I ran into the toilet with the phone in my hands and started to be sick. I felt terribly guilty that I wasted mum’s curry, in which she is a good cook. I threw up plenty of times. Mum raced up and told James what was happening, as if he didn't’t already know - and helped me up. I apologised but she told me not to, so I decided to stop. I lay back in bed with a towel next to me. I was really afraid of puking my guts up. I phoned James back and he asked how I was.288

“Oh I’m great.”289

“You didn't’t sound it then and you don’t sound it now, what’s up hon?”290

“Hon? I’m hon now am I?” I said in a mocking voice. I had enough. Maybe it just wasn't’t worth it… Maybe I wasn't’t. 291

“Yes, come on… Tell me what is it.”292

“Really wanna know?”293

“Yes I do, your worrying me… I’m here to help.”294

“OK, really wanna know. It’s Kim.”295

“What?? Why??” I explained to him about all the feelings I had about this topic. All the while I was crying, stuttering and in a panic. He seems to care though as he told me he was sorry about it, that he never meant to give that opinion across. It didn't’t put my mind totally at rest but at least I new he cared about me enough to say sorry. 296

“James, look it’s not me just being an annoying bitch OK it’s not that it’s just I-”297

“What Stef?”298

“Nothing.”299

“You can tell me anything Stef you know that. I’m trying to help… I wont go in her room again and I wont speak about her all the time. I just want to know what else it is.”300

“There is another reason why I’m so attached to you, James. Another reason jealousy overtakes me even though we’we have only been together 2 months.”301

“What…?” he said, suspiciously.302

“Well… I love you, James. Wait, before you say anything I’m sorry alright I didn't’t want to admit it myself I just couldn't’t help the way I felt it just overwhelmed me and I can feel it all the time and I want to be with you always and - and it’s really strong. I really love you genuinely I do, I can’t stop worrying about you, thinking about you, wanting to spend time with you I’m sorry…”303

James was silent. Not a good sign, in my opinion. About 10 seconds went past. I was shocked, because he was not very often stuck for words, but this time seemed to be an exception. 304

“Stef… I never… I never new you felt that way about me… I thought you didn't’t even want me that much.”305

“Of course I fucking do! Look around you come on see it man!” I was rather shocked. First time I had properly swore at this school, or in front of someone from it, anyway.306

“Wow Stef! Big nasty words… For such a sweet mouth.” I laughed, at least I was laughing again. “I love you too Stef. Before you say it’s just because you said it it’s not, I loved you… Ever since I saw you and I’m sorry about all this truly I am and I’ll do anything to prove I’m sorry.”307

That night we talked for along time about our issues. Worries, upsets… We shared them. We ended the phone call with, ‘I love you’ and that was what made it most special of all.308

*Chapter 6 - What? A Penis?*309

It was the first week back and I had nobody to sit next to on the couch. I brought my Walkman with me and listened to music. Girls house was empty of any good company as well. Tara and Heather had gone moody with me over Karl and James relations and Emma was somewhere else. I bumped into my new roommate though, named Emma Donelly. Yippee another Emma! She seemed nice enough. We chatted, although she seemed slightly bossy I reckoned I would get on with her quit well. I went to school with her and introduced her to Emma Evans. She took a straight dislike to Emma Donelly and told me about it.310

“She looks down at you as if you’re a kid!” She mutters under her breathe. I nod in agreement to save any arguments and take Emma D over to the music room and leave her with Matt who was banging on the drum kit. I walk over to the cooking room, glad I had no company of Karl this year. I mean, sort of glad… He sometimes made life a bit more interesting with his jokes… But damn what an asshole he’d been to me.311

Ash came in and I growled at him as he went to hug me. “You’we have changed little Steffi.”312

“I ain't little, Davy. Go away.”313

“Very much changed. Jarvis rape ya?”314

“ASHLEY I MEAN IT!”315

“Damn sorry sorry, did I catch a nerve…”316

I felt like punching his lights out but thought secondly as Alex and Dan came in. 317

“Oh yeah… You stole the game Dan I said you could have it a week it’s been 6 months now I’m telling Mrs Clark you thief. You guys never lend anything out to Dan he don’t give it back he’s being a right-”318

“Oh shut the fuck up Bradbury I said I’m looking for it just leave me alone!”319

I could feel a headache coming around. Saved by the bell when Ceri comes to the door I guide her over to the table. 320

“Hey, Ceri. Don’t playing with Mrs Clark's bits!” Says Alex.321

“OH ALEX! LEAVE ME ALONE!”322

Ashley laughs at Ceri and I can’t help feeling a sympathy for her. Ash was pretty harsh to people, but yet again some of the people needed it. Like Cameron for example. Cameron could do with a sorting out. 323

“How’s that twat of a boyfriend you have then Stef?” says Ash.324

“Going out with him ‘gain are ya?” said Alex. As if he didn't’t know, he’d been winding me up about it the last week of term.325

“Yes I am Alex and James is fine thank you Ashley. Saner than you you’ll be glad to know.”326

“Dougie, yeah right. Anyway… Fancy some footie later Alex?”327

“Yeah sure!” said Alex, “At least you’ll give me back my bloody ball-”328

“Just cos you ain't got any testicle balls Alex don’t have a go at me!” Says Dan.329

I could feel an argument coming so I turn round to Ash. “Any plans later?”330

“Yeah, maybe… You?”331

“None at all! Just a nice relax may be good. Show Emma D round the place. Give me something to do wont it.”332

“Well, if you ever get bored of being in class - come and find me… Oh and if you get bored of Dougie please come and find me I’m always up for some fun. See you guys!” Ash walks out of the room smiling at me.333

He needs a thumping.334

Unfortunately, Ashley likes keeping to his promises. So school life was going to look pretty tough… With Ashley and with Karl. 335

Then of course at lunch time things went from bad to worse. Kieran came up to me and said, "Is it true? Jarvis RAPED you?" Memories, very bad ones... Came back. Of what Karl had done and what he could have done. I only just told my parents just before school started again. I didn't tell them about the sexual feelings however, nobody knows about that. I guess I'm ashamed... They say it's natural but I don't care it was wrong...336

"No, Kieran, Jarvis didn't rape me."337

"So you let him finger you willingly?"338

"What?"339

"Well Jarvis said that he fingered your pussy in girls house and you later on said you didn't like it and got him banned. But I kinda think he'd a bit of a weirdo, so maybe he did force you."340

"He never fingered me alright Kieran, he just... Put his hands in between my legs."341

"Did you want him to?"342

"No."343

"Did you tell him to stop?"344

"Yes."345

"Fucker," muttered Kieran. "To think though. We don't really know who's telling the truth."346

"I don't give a fuck, Kieran. As far as I'm concerned, Jarvis is a big fat liar and I hate him."347

I turned away and went on my way to Maths. It was second from last lesson. Last lesson on this fine Monday, well on every Monday, was English. James was going to be helping out in this lesson. Which, to me, felt kinda weird. As my literacy skills are more advanced than him, no offense to James, it just felt weird. 348

Mrs Hallett gave me a hard time in Maths, as usual. "Didn't you do any work during the holidays?"349

"No..." I said, in a timid way... Ha. 350

But neither did Alex or Dan, so that was OK I guess. When English came round James was already there. He motioned for me to sit next to him. I smiled and obliged, I had Steve on my arm and got him settled first. 351

"Alright Darlin'?"352

"Yeah," I said. "Bloody tired though." He gave a weird laugh and turned round to Alex and Daniel.353

"What are you doing here Dougie?" Said Alex, "You a teacher now?"354

Daniel snickered, they had made up now as they usually did. 355

"I'm helping Mr Holdon," said James curtly. "Not that it's anything to you."356

"More like helping Stef... With personal matters." Dan muttered.357

"Even if I wanted to I couldn't!" said James. I elbowed him and he apologised, laughing. I was saved however by Mr Holdon entering the room.358

"Now I know this is the grave yard slot, last lesson on a Monday, everyone's tired from travelling all day and doing there Science and Maths work so we are going to try and make this lesson as relaxed as possible. We are going to be reading Animal Farm this year so if you please, let's go onto Chapter One-"359

Mr Holdon started jabbering on with the first Chapter. It was kind of boring, as it was only really introductory to the characters and there plot. After five minutes my head was on the table and I felt the need to snooze. However, I felt a hand on my leg and I sat up, startled.360

"STEVE!" I said, thinking it was him, as he couldn't see and maybe was wondering his hands to the left. Steve seemed to have no knowledge of what I was whining about and Mr Holdon didn't even notice he was reading about the Pigs and the rest of the animals. James smiled at me wickedly I whispered to him "not here" but he didn't take the hint. His hand was back on my leg and by a couple of seconds was in between my legs all his fingers pressing into my vaginal area and it felt really good, so I didn't tell him to stop. I new he would of done, he was very respectful. I new that next week I was going to have to return the favour, which was kind of freaking me out, but it was only fair.361

On the way out of lessons Ceri decided to have a little trip, so me and James ended up taking her to medical. It gave us a little extra time with each other however and we held hands and he went off to college and I went to tea. 362

It was now Monday again. I was sitting in the couch and Tom Crook was asking me about my phone. 363

“ Yes Tom,” I muttered under my breathe. “I do have that ring tone on my phone…” 364

I missed James. He wasn't’t on the couch this week and I just had Jake. Jake wasn't’t to Kean on me, not at the moment anyway. It was only last week of September and he had already started making the stupid jokes up about me and James. It didn't’t bother me though, I listened to my Personal CD Player. My saviour. 365

The day went pretty quick. Science was kind of fun though. We got to do some reactions with acid and some kind of stone. I wasn't’t really paying that much attention. English was my subject. I always had a like for English. Maths, Science, History… None of that mattered, not really. It was just English, I got my inspiration from it. 366

Maths was pretty dull. Mrs Hallett was in a mood with Daniel yet again. “You don’t take Maths seriously! Look at Alex! Look at Stef! Do you see them wasting there time doing nothing? They are taking their SATs, I’m beginning to doubt you will be able to do them!” 367

Of course, after the lesson Dan was next to me in a right mood. “Mrs fucking Hallett doesn't’t know what’s she’s on about,” he mutters. “Not as if she knows anything anyway… slut.” 368

I smiled awkwardly. I kind of liked Mrs Hallett. OK, she was strict, but in certain ways she needed to be. I got on with her pretty well, you just had to co-operate. Dan and Alex, however, didn't’t see any good side to her. Break time was full of Mrs Hallett’s a bitch comments and I was just glad to be able to get into English. 369

James was sitting in the English room already. He was on the table that stuck out mainly for the wheelchair users like Natasha and Chris Granados. It was white and was higher than all of the other desks. I sat at the far left and James sat at the corner. I smiled at him and he put his hand over my hand on the desk. I smiled at him and then Mr Holdon came in. 370

“You guys know were Dan and Alex have gone?” 371

“Nope.” I said, grinning. 372

Soon, however, the class was in. Steve was sitting next to me again - this was always his preferred sitting arrangement, away from Ceri who’s own hands wondered pretty often onto Steve. 373

“Right, well… I thought today as yet again we are all very tired, I know I certainly am, that we can watch part of the video for Animal Farm. Now, you can get as close as you need to…” Mr Holdon started operating the TV and I went to go watch it when James put his hand on my leg to make me stay. I whispered to him to ask him why, he just smiled. I new what he meant, but I was shocked he could remember. Mr Holdon was getting wound up from the TV. 374

“The TV’s being a bloody twat!” 375

“What’s a twat?” Says Steve. 376

James, Alex, Dan and I burst out laughing, we can’t help ourselves. Mr Holdon gives us the look ‘you kids’ but laughs himself. “It’s in between a woman’s legs, Steve… their privates. Ask Mrs Clark for more information.” 377

James and I couldn't’t stop laughing, it was terribly humorous and just so unlucky. 378

The video started to play, but I couldn't’t really concentrate on it. I new that James was wanting me to pay him back for what he done to me last week. I didn't’t really know how to, that was part of the problem. I was also worried he’d make a noise and Mr Holdon would notice. Adrenaline running through my veins I put my hand on his leg and started rubbing it. I then let my hand wonder slightly to in between his legs I started rubbing around the area. I had no idea what a penis looked or felt like so I was looking, or should I say, feeling for anything that didn't’t feel like skin. I felt something however, sticking out, quit a lot. This made me slightly nervous because the realisation of what I was doing had now hit me. My hands, only 13, were very innocent and had only touched a little alcohol, no cigarettes and certainly no mans penis. I begun to panic inside, wondering if this was right. But I could feel a feeling in between my legs, a throbbing feeling and I couldn't’t help but enjoy the fact that I was taking a huge risk. My normally obedient behaviour was becoming a bit more naughty, and I liked the adventure. 379

I begun to wrap my hand around the bulge in his trousers. I squeezed it slightly and moved it round a bit, I didn't’t really know what he expected me to do - he was older and more experienced, now 16 - he was definitely more of a grown up than me. But I had the overwhelming urge to take the penis out of the trousers, just to feel and to see… properly. But I new the risk was to high. 380

James could see how I was thinking and he was smiling at me. I was moving it a bit more now and I could feel the bulge or sticky out bit, get bigger so I went faster, as it was my immediate reaction. James put his head on the table and he put his hand on my hand to make me go faster. I was really shocked about the adrenaline that ran through me. I new I was doing something I shouldn't’t which normally made me feel guilty but now it made me feel great! 381

I carried on during the lesson. He pulled my hand away though just towards the end. I whispered to him why and he just smiled… Whatever that meant. 382

Then it was time to leave the room. I stood up, almost embarrassed to look at James in the face, in case I blushed or shied away. Daniel and Alex didn't’t notice the tension however and grabbed me and started speaking about ‘twats’. 383

James told me he’d call me. I missed him already. This week was going to be boring without him… I loved him so much. 384

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