My Heart in All It's Brokenness

A mass of emotion...a huge ball that is all that I am. So much gone on that I am not sure how much more I can handle. Too much.. sitting crying.. arm slicing. The pain is seeping through. You see it in my eyes as I try to hide it. The years of abuse. Of trying to make everything better. Four year olds should not have that burden.. neither should fourteen year old teen agers. The pressure becoming too much. I have to deal with it some how, since I can not let it out. I have to cope, I can't find a way.. then someone shows me.. just make a little cutt... you will feel the release. I do it.. now I am addicted. Another thing to battle another thing to cry over. It is all overwhelming me. I can not handle all of this. Nothing is making much sense any more. I lose my baby and no one cares.. I still cry myself to sleep remembering the pain.. I have never felt so much pain in my life. The ability to go through that is well indescribsable and nothing anyone should ever have to. I miss him so much.. wanting him back everyday... now not sure if I can have kids really... always trying and never succeding... My heart breaks a little more. I try to die and everyone gets upset.. causing my heart to break a little more. I never meant to cause so much pain to everyone. Everyday I fight that I want to die.. but forced to stay to live.. always feeling numb, feeling unable to deal.. feeling just a little more dead inside. I cry to you but you could never understand what I say because you have never been through it... you and your family are so much better off. I just wish that I could taste that for a moment. You want to marry me but you give me ulitmatums if I do not change then drastic maessures will be taken. I just want to run and hide. To leave this world behind because it hurts too much. My eternal stuggle is my pain. All the years of abuse, of every kind, all the years of trying to be perfect, of trying to hide.. it's all comming out now. There is nothing that I can do but sit and cry.. my eyes are red and stinging now.. I am not sure I can cry any more but my body continues to heave as the pain comes in waves just a little stronger each time. This is my heart and all it's brokeness.1