My Co-Pilot, Log

There once was a very young freshman.  Not a very young freshman, for as we all know, freshmen are always fourteen or older (in some cases at least) when they first become freshmen.  Well, not ALL freshmen for the British Hoe (remember her?) freshman was only thirteen when she became a freshman, but of course this is not the freshman to whom I am referring.  Anyway, this young (but not very young) freshman girl had red hair (which some less intelligent people may mistake for blond and make lame jokes about walking and chewing gum at the same time…) for which she received many complements, but this story is not about this young (but not very young) freshman, nor her red (sometimes mistaken for blond) hair (and right now I’m ignoring the really long green squiggly line that means my sentence is too long…).  It’s not even about the older (four years older to be exact, well, not exact because that would mean he was born on March 2, 1984, which I don’t think he was) percussionist by whom she was always annoyed (I HATE ALLITERATION!  Scratch that and write in constantly annoyed).  No, this story is about another person.1

--Here’s a clue, I wrote this introduction many years after I wrote the story!--2

(Teacher wrote all of this…) I knew I was fully conscious, but everything seemed so strange.  My head seemed to be heavily bandaged and it was difficult to move.  I appeared to be in a room- perhaps a hospital room- but the furnishings looked very strange.  In the distance I could see people moving and working, but they are strangers to me.3

Suddenly, I knew what had happened.  I had passed through a time warp.  I had passed through a time warp.  I had awakened in a different century, a jump of a hundred years or more.  Wait a minute, what am I thinking? I’m no longer on my home planet!4

I tried to move, but it was no use. My limbs were as heavy as boulders.  I found I could shift my head from side to side, but it was very uncomfortable doing so.  The pain was so tremendous that my bones ached.  My mouth was dry and my throat scratchy. I tried to speak, but could manage only a whisper.  To my left were complicated machines, which had wires like vines that grew out from them and I saw where they attached to my wrists by little suction cups.  I moved my head to my right, and I thought I saw a cot, with a man laying on it.  It was my co-pilot, Log.5

Then a stranger noticed my movement.  He walked over to my side, blocking my view of my co-pilot, Log.  He was dressed in a nurse’s uniform and was moderately good-looking.  His crewcut didn’t help to improve his looks, but he definitely wasn’t UGLY.  He had a nametag that read, surprisingly in English, “Doctor John White-Stuff”.  After checking over me, looked at and studied the machines, looked back at me, then left for a moment.  He soon returned with a cup of water, and without pressing any buttons, the top of my cot began to lift, raising me into a sitting position.  Dr. John White-Stuff held the plastic cup to my mouth in order for me to drink.  I drank it empty.  Then he spoke.6

“What tis thine name?”  He asked in an old British accent.7

“Emancipation Proclamation”  I answered.8

He had a “Weird Al” Yankovic moment.  “That tis thine name?” he asked.9

“Yes.”  I answered.10

“Okey-doke.”  He said.11

“How is my co-pilot, Log?”12

“Thou co-pilot’s log?”13

“Co-... , no, no.  My co-pilot, how is he?14

“Very well, My Lady.  At present, he art asleep.”15

“Why am I unable to move?”16

“Thou bones broketh and thou art recovering.”17

I looked around the room and saw many people watching.  “Are my bones still broken?”  I asked Dr. White-Stuff.18

“Of course not.  They art mended and once the morphine’s effects hath worn off, thou wilt walk and move again.”19

“Very good.”  I proclaimed.  No sooner had I said this, the top of my cot flattened and I was laying again.”20

“Sleep and when morning cometh, thou wilt be mobile.”  Dr. White-Stuff then left with the other strangers.  Soon I fell asleep.21

*22

I jolted up in my cot.  I remembered where I was and what had happened to me.  I should start from the beginning.  My co-pilot, Log, and I were flying in a SP 4000, in search of a wormhole, in the Frog-Croak Star Quadrant.  No one actually believed there was a wormhole, but Dr. Ursela Bluetip of Nacho Grande University had proof and so hired my co-pilot, Log, and me to check it out.  Unfortunately, he was correct.  We got sucked in and in doing so the navigational and landing instruments were damaged.  This caused us to crash-land on this planet of weirdos, who speak in old English dialect, yet are more advanced than we.23

I frantically glanced around the room noticing the pain had vanished, and found that I was alone.  I pulled off the suction cups, proceeded to slide my legs over the edge of the cot, and I stood up.  Finding that I was very well balanced on my feet, I scurried out of the room into a long corridor.  The corridor was also empty.  I couldn’t decide whether to go left or right, so I did “Eeni, meeni, myni, mo.”  It wasn’t long before I came to an open door with the sound of my co-pilot, Log’s voice coming from the room.  I peeked inside.  There was my co-pilot, Log, sitting in the middle of the room with many of the strange people of this planet, who appeared to be employed at this hospital, surrounding him.  My co-pilot, Log, was narrating our story to their planet.  Many young female nurses were engrossed in his narration, which I must admit was greatly exaggerated.  When my co-pilot, Log, finally decided to put an end to his greatly exaggerated story, I entered the room.  All the strangers in the room stared at my head, which, as you remember, was heavily bandaged.  My co-pilot, Log, cocked his head to one side, as a puppy would do, with a queer expression on his face.24

“Boss?”  My co-pilot, Log, inquired.25

I paid no mind to their amusement at my appearance, and seeing Dr. White-Stuff at the back of the room, I walked over to him.  “I wish to inquire about your planet, and would like to know what year it is.”  I stated.26

Dr. John White-Stuff stood from his seat and escorted my co-pilot, Log, and me out, into the corridor.  “In thou’s time, the year beith two-and-twenty-and-two-and-twenty-hundred (2222), in the year of the lord. Here the year beith six-and-twenty-thousand (26000).”27

“Take us to your leader!” demanded my co-pilot, Log.28

“Thou wishith to seeith Kimosabi?” inquired Dr. White-Stuff.29

“If he beith your leader!”  Exclaimed my co-pilot, Log, in a spastic tone, with a girlish hand motion, emphasis on the word “beith”.30

“ ’He’ beith a sheith.”  Dr. White-Stuff stated. “Your wishith beith my commandith.”  He said this in the same manner as my co-pilot, Log.31

“Emancipation Proclamation, I believe Dr. White-Stuff hath made fun of me.”  My co-pilot, Log, whispered to me.32

I whispered in reply “Co-pilot, Log, you might very well be correct.” with a hint a hint of sarcasm.33

“Please follow me.” Said Dr. White-Stuff.  My co-pilot and I followed him.34

*35

We walked out of the fresh, sterilized air of the hospital into the thick, smoggy air of the outside.  Dr. John White-Stuff led us to his sleek, sporty, noticeably electric powered, ambulance.  A paramedic named Bob Knowsitall was sitting in the front seat.  The three of us jumped in beside him.  I was sitting between Dr. White-Stuff and my co-pilot, Log.  As soon as we got in, Dr. White-Stuff began unwrapping my head.  It felt much better.  Dr. White-Stuff shoved my long red locks away from his face and drew a purple hairbrush out of the glove compartment.  Grateful for the chance to comb my incredibly tangled, I smiled at the doctor and mouthed a silent “thanks”.36

I studied the dashboard, which was covered with buttons and computers, but no steering wheel.  Mr. Bob Knowsitall pressed one puke green button and the ambulance was off.  The sky was filled with little birds that were bright pink and orange and bright greens and blues.  Their droppings, as there were some on the windshield were gold in color.37

“Why are there so many birds?” asked my co-pilot, Log, who was an animal activist and was concerned, noticeably, about the lack of other species.  I might add he was afraid of the movie Birds.38

“The birds hath taken over the forest for they art poisonous to eat and most other beasts and birds hath been killed off.  The remaining hath been placed in animal houses, or as thou calls them, zoos.”  Explained Bob Knowsitall.39

“What kind of leader is Kimosabi?  Is she monarch or president?  Or is she a dictator?” asked my co-pilot, Log.40

“She art Kimosabi, friend to the rich, foe to the poor.  Sister to the mountains, mother to Kimosabi’s son.  Adviser to the frogs, servant of the Jerries.  Sun to the smog, moon to the night.  She art Kimosabi, a monarch.” Said Dr. White-Stuff and Bob Knowsitall simotaniously. 41

“Okay.” Was my only response.42

“So your planet is covered with smog, all your real animals are kept in zoos, and birds out number you thirty-to-one.  Doesn’t sound like the all powerful Kimosabi is a good problem solver.” Criticized my co-pilot, Log.43

I kicked my co-pilot, Log, for being so rude to our friendly hosts.44

Dr. White-Stuff leaned over me to reach my co-pilot, Log’s, ear and whispered “Thou should not chastise Kimosabi, for she might very well be listening to every word thou says.”45

One hour after we left the hospital, we arrived at Kimosabi’s place of residence, or maybe I should say castle.  It was constructed of white stone.  The guard ordered us to remove our shoes and handed us toe-sox to wear inside the castle, saying "Kimosabi’s orders!”46

Inside, the floor was done in thick, royal blue carpet.  The walls had murals of great festivals painted on them.  The ceiling was at least fifteen, no, twenty feet high!47

Soon after entering the castle we found ourselves in a huge octagon shaped room.  In the center of that room was a table and behind the table sat a woman in a magnificent dress.  That woman, I knew was Kimosabi.  She was hideous!  On her cheek was the biggest mole I’ve ever seen, and it had hair sticking out of it!  I’d say she was about sixty years old.  What I didn’t know about Kimosabi at that time is she had psychic powers.  She could read minds!48

“Off with their heads!”  Kimosabi shouted.49

We turned and ran.  The door closed on my co-pilot, Log’s, heel.  I helped him free himself, then with my co-pilot, Log, hobbling along, we were on our way again.  As soon as we reached the castle door we were met by Dr. White-Stuff.  I knocked out the guard with a left hook as we grabbed our shoes and ran out the door.  When we made our way to the ambulance, where Bob Knowsitall was still sitting in the front seat, we climbed into the back where we wouldn’t be seen.50

While we were in the back, Dr. White-Stuff explained that the only way to leave the planet was to swim to the island where our space plane had been fixed.  He used the intercom to tell Bob Knowsitall to go to the beach.  The entire drive Kimosabi’s guards were on our tails, and they were nipping.  Luckily, it was only ten minutes to the shore.51

At the beach we bought some bathing suites, Kimosabi’s guards did the same.  Then we all had lunch together at The Little Beachside Seafood Café.  After having a superb meal, compliments of Dr. White-Stuff, we resumed our fleeing and Kimosabi’s guards resumed their chasing.  Into the water we swam, but without waiting the suggested thirty minutes.52

My co-pilot, Log, got a cramp only a hundred yards from the island where our space plane was patiently awaiting our return.  He lost his since of direction and swam into a log.  He must have been knocked unconscious, for he didn’t make it to shore.  There was no time for the rest of my party to save him, and contrary to what Dr. White-Stuff and Bob Knowsitall may say, I did not cry over this loss, one must remain objective in these situations you know.  My depression over loosing my co-pilot, Log, was short for I soon realized that I would receive all the credit and fame for our adventure.  Slowly, I realized the irony of my co-pilot, Log, being killed by a Log.53

We could not rest long on the shore, for Kimosabi’s guards were fast approaching.  Fortunately, Dr. White-Stuff knew the precise location of the hanger where our space plane was being held.  We arrived at the hanger, found a way in, and jumped in my SP4000.  After quickly explaining our troubles to an engineer, he was glad to open the hanger doors for us.  At that moment Kimosabi’s guards entered the hanger.  I started the engines and in a matter of seconds, we were gone.54

*55

It is now three and a half months since our ill fated visit to Kimosabi.  I miss having my co-pilot, Log, obeying my every command and hanging on my every word, but I manage to keep my emotions hidden from my new co-pilot, Doug.  I’m currently engaged to, no, not Dr. White-Stuff, but rather Bob Knowsitall.  I laugh when I think that my name will soon be Emancipation Proclamation-Knowsitall!  Oh!  By the way!  I have received all the credit for our little expedition, seeing as Dr. Ursela Bluetip mysteriously disappeared! 56