The Way: A Teenage Testimony

This is posted for a friend, but he didn't want it on his account.1

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For those of you who do not know me personally, my name's Justin and I've decided to finally share my testimony with you all. In the past, I have spent time trying to decide which parts of my life I should leave out and which are the most crucial to the glory of God. This time, I see that maybe it's not so important to make a story or anything like that. Importance does not lie in only the hardships of my life, but rather in all things. He'll get the glory from every part of my testimony. It doesn't take my stylistic approach or editing ways to give any more thanks or praise to Him. He knows everything that has happened, and all of the truth He brings. So, I would like to share my testimony with you all in a way I haven't before. I'd like to be complete in my telling, and leave nothing out of this. It's no longer about me. I've been there, and done that. I've seen how it doesn't do anything for myself or anyone else. He truly is the only way, and I hope that maybe with reading this you can further understand that or come to this belief for the very first time. I intend to break it down by the years. This way you will be able to come back at another time to a certain point if time does not allow for an entire reading the first time around.3

1989- 4

I was born on May 15th, 1989 in Hinsdale Hospitale (Hinsdale, Illinois.) A day or two earlier, a distant relative of mine was also born. During his birth, there was a mistake made my a doctor (or one at least not foreseen) that resulted in the umbilical cord wrapping around his neck. Andrew was born alive, but suffered brain damage. It rendered him, as the years went on, unable to eat solid foods, stand, talk or have motor skills. 5

Family members were reluctant to disclose this to my parents as I was expected any day. I was born without such a complication, but it was later noticed that my head was shaped strangely. "Lumpy" was being too kind, I think. Doctors asked my parents to monitor my growth, and said that I may grow with complications. Though no full detail has ever been told to me, I believe that they once said it was possible I'd have poor (or no) motor skills.6

1992-7

In June of 1992, my sister was born into the family. At the same time, my mother needed surgery for a health problem. Between the two things, money was scarce.8

As I said, I have never been told any of this in great detail and was too young to remember the account myself. At a doctor's it was said that my skull was not properly growing, and my eventually hault development of my brain. An operation may have been needed.9

Money was not prominent, though. My parents went to several organizations to see if my surgery could be paid for. After some time, Chicago's Shriners said that they would be able to cover part of the bill. Luckily, through prayer and God's will none was ever needed.10

My mother was able to have her surgery, successfully I may add, and my sister was without any birthing issues. God provided a support system that somehow took the little we had, and stretched it to all of our needs. Further, I was given keen skills in most areas that doctors said I may never see. This instance is the earliest I cn trace His hand in my life.11

1993- 12

Shortly after my sister was born, I became dehydrated one night. I'd been sick for some time, and eventually it grew worst. My parents took me to a local hospital's emergency room, but after an hour were told that they would not be able to take me in. They were not sure exactly what or where to go, but God did graciously bring me elsewhere. I was taken in, and rushed to a room. I remember bits and pieces of the event, and all I can remember is a feeling of weakness yet calm. It's strange to look back on, because even though I was so young I don't remember being scared. (And, as a child I wass always a nervous wreck over everything.) He's shown me that in the most difficult parts of my life, He is there to comfort.13

I spent the night at MacNeal Hospital, and was released a day later. 14

1995-15

In 1995, I was entering the first grade. My household was the normal one for the decade. My parents both worked, and I was babysat by family a lot. Religion was something that was in our house, but not alive. I understand that that may not make much sense, but to anyone raised in a place like that I believe that you will agree that is the best way to describe it. My family believed in Christ, His death and ressurection and prayer. However, it was not spoken much of and we did not attend church services. Prayer was held for half a minute or less each night, and the common things were always covered. 16

Through my grandparents (on my father's side), I was exposed to small bits of God. Much of my extended family is very strong in Him, and knew a lot about Him. It was my household that was somewhat lesser- though, still not devoid od Christ. I remember being in my grandmother's room on her bed as she would watch church programs. Always, she'd comment on the beautiful singing and the words and such. I just never understood what any of it meant. I was still young, but this small bit of light was enough to plant the seed of Jesus in my mind. I knew enough to believe He was there.17

During this year, I started having health problems. One of the worst problems I had was severe cases of ear aches. Fluid would not leave my ears, and it would cause unbelievable burning in my head. Eventually, that lead to bad illnesses of strep throat. I was at a doctor's every month or so, it seemed. To this day, I remember it as being the worst pain I have ever known. My throat would become so infected that I was unable to eat. There were certain days that I'd have to force myself to swallow. I have never experienced anything as horrible as that ache.18

1997- 19

I was eight years old at the time, and things were very normal for me yet. Both of my parents had taken up working at home, so there no longer was as much reason for me to be in the care of grandparents. Though I still saw them frequently, there were riffs in my family due to religion. My parents were both Christian, but had taken badly towards my grandparents giving me Christian gifts. They saw it as a way to say they were not parenting correctly. I remembered not wanting to "be bothered" with religion. I liked being a kid, and it all bored me, sadly.20

This is where my testimony becomes a bit harder to tell. Curiosity and an unfortunate mistake resulted in me becoming interested in the same sex this year. In my young mind, I did not know what I was doing or even that these feelings were not common. Nothing phased me about it. This lead me on a path that was very far from Christ.21

1999-22

I had had a nice childhood. I was generally well liked, and had closer relationships with all my teachers. Grades were fine, and nothing spoke much wrong. Despite this all, I was a very nervous person. There was not a thing in the world that didn't scare me. Whether it be storms, school, my father at times- it all made me such a basket case. I would break into tears in the middle of school, and just plead to be able to go home. I felt the need to be in loving arms every moment of the day. Yet, even at home I felt uncomforted. It was then that I started being questioned why I felt no faith or assurance in God. I had no answers.23

My sister and I were both very close, and also at each other's throats. She was a pereson that was quite easily hurt. Any little word would set her to tears. Because of this, my father was reluctant to scold her. Much of the time, a scoff would be my own fault because I grew quite jealous of her. Jessica received the attention of my parents greatly, because she was so well behaved. Dad spent a lot of time with her. He'd do things with the both of us, but never seemed to want to do anything exclusive with just me. He'd get on my case more so than her, and just assume that I was always wrong and Jessica did only right. I grew a great bit of anger towards both her and my dad. I felt as though I had to combat anything said by either of them, wrongly so. 24

It was at this time that I first realized the differences in my feelings. My attractions had been stronger, and for the first times I started experimenting. I began messing around with someone, and it was soon time for God to try and call me home again.25

2000-26

Junior High began, and things started changing rapidly. I had gone from one of the most popular and liked guys, to being the last. My best friends became the head of our class, and after unknown reasons they no longer liked me either. The trend caught on, and soon I was seen as an outsider. Between the next three years, I made little friends and hung out with a classmate only twice.27

Love became an issue with me. I no longer felt it at home, in my head, and did not feel it at school either. Loneliness was something that I definitely was. I had so much time on my hands, and too much curiosity. With things the way they were, the internet became a source for "answers." I would search very sinful sites, and start participating in things I learned and saw there. God had reached His limit then. 28

2001-29

Throughout the start of the new millennium and new year, I started feeling very panicked and fearful. With thoughts of things like Y2K, and such the idea of death or an ended life came into my head. I worried just what would exactly happen, where God was and if He would save me. 30

On May 14th, 2001 my brother Michael was born. The previous nine months were very difficult for my family, and only bearable through God's aide. My mother had to visit the doctor almost every other week, as complications arose. There were more than a handful of times in the pregnancy that my brother was thought to have miscarried. I was confused through this, and started showing less and less emotion. I didn't feel loved, loving or anything of the like. In short, I was becoming very short and numb.31

In June or July, a fight surfaced between my mother's side of the family and us. Many words were exchanged, and within a few days it was decided that we would never again see them. Anger and pain seemed to greatly be following these times.32

A month later, I was out to eat and began choking. This was the second time in my life that that had happened- once as a baby- and the situation shook me up a bunch.33

As things would have it, I was also extremely displeased with my appearance. I had my fair share of "baby fat," and it was noted by a family member once while shopping for clothes.34

Within a week or two, I stopped eating. I feared choking again, and inside I also think I wanted attention. I wanted someone to care and help me. Soon, people began noticing my new habit. It was pointed out in anger one night, and soon things were broken and many things were said that left me feeling as though my father hated me. I became very bitter.35

Several weeks went by, and things were declining. It no longer was in my control. I was unable to start eating even when I wanted to. I was fear- stricken, and full of animosity and fear. I was threatened to therapy, but secretly wished someone would take me. I was pleading for help from anywhere, but none was to be found. Family said I'd die because I wanted to, and that this was what my stubbornness would get. My hope and faith became very bleak, and as the terrorist attacks occured I only further thought upon the idea of dying.36

I was only twelve, but I had started wondering whether or not I would live as a teenager. I desperately wanted to live, but the power and strength was not within me. Finally, after three or four weeks of failure I gave up trying to do it. That was when He took the reigns. I stared out my bedroom window, thought in my head that there was no longer anything I could do and questioned what could ever save me. Jesus answered. 37

I rarely prayed. If I did, it was as my family did- the same prayer nightly- lasting only a minute or less. One night, I recall just asking Him weakly to help me eat again. I believed He was there, but it was by no means a friendship or realization of just how true He is. It was a small cry for help, yet despite that all Jesus came. In early- mid October, my habit was randomly broken. It was truly a miracle. It'd surfaced out of the blue. I hadn't eaten more than a few scraps within the past month and week, and yet I woke up with hunger and trust.38

2002-39

Upon entering my final year of eighth grade, I started attending Emmanuel Bible Church with my grandfather and sister. I was asked in my interest to go on the Fourth of July that year, and there was a voice inside that told me to say yes. Surely, we began going weekly. I was not there for God though. I was selfish, and had wished to spend time with my grandparents. Still, it was a step in the right direction.40

The entire year picked up. Things were not so dark anymore. I made a few "in school friends," and it was enough to get me by. On general, I was more positive. This was God once again trying to enter my life. 41

2003- 42

High school was starting soon, and I began looking towards The Lord. Something felt right about it. I wanted to be " a man of morals." I started trying to represent myself as a man with such standards. I wanted to change, and become that person. I talked of God a little bit, and assured myself that I would do all it took to make high school a better time than Junior High had been.43

While I had taken on this new mind set, I also became a very depressed person. I feared rejection at my incomming school, and as a person I wasn't very thankful for the things I had. I prayed a bit on things, such as making friends.44

Soon, the call was answered. An acquaintance of mine told me one night of their plans to kill themselves, and immediately my mind went to prayer. This was not a normal thing for me. Yet, even in my ignorance to Christ I realized that talking to Him was needed. Jesus helped this man and I become best friends. He no longer was persuing suicide, and I lived the first two months of my Freshmen year as a normal teen with friends.45

In the autumn, my grandmother became very ill. She'd been my best friend for so long, and never had I lost someone that I loved so much. She was to undergo the largest heart surgery the hospital had ever seen. In my state, I returned to being very alone and depressed. I searched for comfort in friends, but there was none to be had. No one could deliver me from my pain. Only Christ could, but I just didn't see it.46

One night, after speaking with her on the phone and her telling me goodbye I sat in my room and broke down. It was one of the first real showings of emotions that I had in nearly two or three years. I screamed into my head why she was dying, why did no one care and why did I hate my life so much. I frantically asked people to pray for her.47

To the surprise of everyone, she successfully made it through the operation alive. Not only that, but miracuously she recovered and felt better than before. This showed me that He does answer prayers. 48

Though He had revealed His strength to me, I had still no feelins towards Him. I was quite depressed still, and felt horribly unloved. I began looking up suicide on the internet. Within a week, nearly five close friends of mine shared that they needed my help because they had been hurting themselves and thought of ending their lives. It grew too much for me to handle myself, and I started telling myself that I wanted the same for myself.49

My plan was weak, because I was unsure whether or not I wanted to follow it through. I sealed myself in my bedroom, and turned on a space heater. Over time, the room was going to be baking and I'd eventually pass out. My goal was to burn myself to death. As I started "my plan" I found a poem on a website, named AllPoetry, that talked of a person who lost a loved one to suicide. It made me think of my brother and sister, and how I wished not for them to be identified as a "surviving sibling." I didn't want them to think I didn't ever care. It broke me down, and I once again wept. I turned off the heater, and cried myself to sleep.50

The following months were much in the same. I was very down on myself, and quite confused about life. I began using sharp objects to cut myself. I wouldn't ever draw blood, but I'd do it enough till there were around twenty or so pink/ red lines all up and down my arm. I would wait until they would fade, and then proceed to further gash myself. I lost more friends, and eventually considered myself to have only one care in the world.51

She was a dear friend of mine. That winter, she admitted to me that she was a lesbian. I admired the fact that she trusted me with such a thing, so I, too, outted my own homosexuality. It seemed such a relief, and so much "fun". I quickly began telling anyone that would hear me.52

One day, in the spring, I met a person who wasn't so willing to accept it. She was a person I loved greatly, and a true friend. She'd been a strong Christian- sadly, no longer is though- and expressed that she felt it was wrong. We often talked about it, and finally I questioned myself. I knew it was wrong, but I also thought that God could not forgive me for it. I'd always been told, "bunnys go to hell," and thought that there was nothing I could do to be saved. I spent nights crying and pleading with Him to help and save me. Alas, I turned away from Him and did not look back.53

2004-54

The year ended, and I made new friends. We were a "clique" unlike any other. I would say that we nearly bordered a cult in some senses. Everyone had to hang out together every single say. We all dressed the same, listened to the same music, etc. It was pretty ridiculous. God tried bringing me back to Him, but I would not listen.55

No one in this group believed in, or wanted anything to do with, Jesus Christ. Some were atheists, others were Pagan and some just didn't care one way or another. I started looking into the Wiccan and Pagan cults, and found an attraction towards them. I thought I'd be cool if I were to do so. I began researching it on the internet, did tarrot cards once and started burning insence and trying to carry out random "rituals" or "good luck omens." Eventually, I didn't even care enough for such activities. I thought He was there still, so He greatfully helped me quit before things went too far. 56

After that, I began cutting again. One incident lead me to blood- soaked pants. I was so tired of the world, that I started throwing things, breaking glass and just feeling faint and sickly. I decided to give up cutting. In exchange, I started to "huff" candles. I would try to take in only the smell. I became high off of that once or twice. As temptation goes, one thing just wasn't enough. Jesus gave me the sense though to see that nothing cured my pain.57

I saw the only way I would ever be happy was to have a "partner," so that is what I did. Through friends, I met someone. Surprisingly, he was a Christian and believed in The Lord. At the same time, we both began dating and thankfully He ended it within three weeks. Later on, the boy's parents found out. I am not sure, but I believe that he has since been taken into Christ's arms fully, and has turned his back on his thorn.58

Within a few days, I found someone else. In my mind, it was perfect. I thought I had all there was to be had. Temptation grew greatly. Satan pulled me into great mind games, and I said yes to his every call. I became sexually active, and took on a hatred for my family and the world.59

Jesus loved me too much to let me go, though. He allowed me to start becoming very ill. I missed twenty four days of school that year. It separated me from my boyfriend, and after four months we broke up in January.60

I started spinning out of control. It was an addicition I had. Everything was, that is. I developed terrible anxiety attacks. I was determined to find love, still. And, I thought I did. Everyone saw it as being the perfect person for me. Everything was "beautiful." Then, within weeks it all fell apart. I had had enough.61

2005-62

I went to my counsellour and started talking things out with her. She supported my thorn, yet still agreed I needed harmony with my family. One night, Jesus lead me home. My friend's mother brought me home after feeling faint. While at home, I looked through photo albums and noticed my absence. It was the final straw. I wrote a letter to my parents explaining that I was gay, and that I wanted them in my life again.63

They were hurt, but pleased that I had asked for their help. In reality, I just wanted their permission to start participating in more homosexual activities. That was not what I got, though.64

One night, they called me up at a friend's house and said they were picking me up and needed to talk. I became petrified, and sparked a fight. I was told to not bother comming home. I sat in an attic, and realized just how out of control my life was. My friends held onto me, and offered their homes to me. I didn't want that. I wanted my own home. 65

God intervened. I received a mysterious out of state cell phone call that night, and I phoned home afterwards to tell them. We agreed that I'd be picked up later.66

I will stray from details, but things worstened quickly. Over the next week, I began sneaking out to be with my clique. I refused any help from my parents. I went against everything they had asked of me. They were not oblivious. They knew, and soon confronted it. They were done. I was not able to be handled. They said they were washing their hands clean of me. I was too troblesome, and clearly had no love for anyone but my group. As much as it hurt, that voice within told me to respond. I started saying I wanted things different, that I'd become submissive and that I'd leave my friends.67

I did. Shortly, my high school popularity was gone and I was disliked again. I still felt no love at home, and once again none at school. The difference though, was the appearance of Him. My family decided we would begin attending Emmanuel again. I did not wish to, but decided to favor them. More and more, I lost my old will to rebel.68

It was then that God so lovingly gave me something that I had always wanted. My teenage years had been spent wishing I had had an older brother to care for me, and to be my very best friend. God tied together my love for writing, and brought me back to AllPoetry. There, I met a man by the name of Corey. He was older than me, and I noticed his love for Christ.69

After seeing a TV program on revelation, fear ignited within me. I was tired of living in fear and depression. I did not want an eternity of hell. I asked Corey to share with me his faith. Over the next two months, we became very close. I shared with him my story, and he did likewise. I began accepting Christ, and seeing that He truly did love me.70

In May, Corey left on a missions trip for two months. I spent that summer growing with The Lord. I began reading The Bible, and after two months I had finished. On July 5th, I was born- again and welcomed into Christ's arms. Loneliness was still plentiful, but as Jesus and I grew closer I began losing my hurt. Corey returned, and the two of us shared our tales of the previous times away.71

Junior year began, and I was a changed person. I met a friend, and she too believed in Christ. We attended church a few times, and together- alongside both of our relationships with Corey- Christ used him to pull us both to Him. Today, I believe she is saved as well.72

God began helping me free from years of bondage. My thorn was weakened, and my love and emotion began showing again. I had a zest for life, and I wanted to live a very Christ- filled existence. He answered my prayers, and come October I was stronger than ever in Him. I spoke hourly with Him, spent nights just pondering Him and thinking of Him. 73

It was time to make the next step. I wanted to be involved. I went to church, and soon was directed towards a youth group. Christ brought me back to Emmanuel, and after some prayer I talked to a man named Gus who was the church's youth minister. That following week, I began attending the worship. Soon, He took me to Sunday school and then service. I was able to share my faith with others, and have them share theirs with me. 74

Within recent weeks, I have gone through struggles again with my life but the difference is that this time I know Jesus can and will save me. I have learned to not live my relationship with Him based on feelings, and that even though I feel His presence less at the moment it is because He is preparing me for the next level in our friendship. During this three week period, He has answered several life changing prayers and offered answers that I never knew I'd get.75

A relative from the family fight surfaced at our house over the holidays, two friends were spared from near- death experiences and once again I was lead into His arms.76

This walk with God is going to be a very long one. I know I cannot do it myself, nor can anyone but Him save me. I am still young in Him, but He has shown me that He is the only way. I have lived portions of my life as a homosexual, anorexic, sex addict, cutter, hater and worshipper of other "gods". Through it all, I can rest assured that the only thing to ever free my soul was The Lord Jesus Christ. There was no "goddess" to whipe my tears away, or hug me in times of pain. No partner was able to give me the love that He could. Nothing was able to take the hurt away.77

Jesus Christ is the only way, I have learned.78