Tears

Today.  Another day.  Another long day to think.  But what to think about?  Ah, but what else can I even think about but him.  Just last Tuesday, something horrific happened.  Not death, though it seemed to be an emotional death for me.  Of course, it was not permanent, but the burn will always leave a scar on my heart.  Scars never fade, even with time.1

Like any normal night, we talked.  Like any normal night, it was filled with laughter.  That day my family and I had gone to look at a curriculum for high school.  For the first time ever, I was going to be home for school.  I would not attend a regular high school, like all my friends were.  I was not even going to Idyllwild Arts, where I had gotten a tremendously good scholarship.  I confessed to him all my fears about this upcoming new experience.  I had gotten used to it.  I had gotten used to the feeling that he would listen to me no matter what I said, and he wouldn’t judge me.  But when I stopped, he said nothing.  There was a pause.  2

“Kim, maybe we should…break up now.”3

“But why?  Do you not love me anymore?”4

“It’s not that I don’t, but things aren’t the same between us.  We don’t see each other every day anymore.  I never see you.  And I never will.  We’re not even going to the same high school.”5

“What do you mean?  We can still talk on the phone!”6

“Kim…it’s not the same.”7

At that point, I started to cry.  I had known this moment would come, from the beginning.  How did I let myself fall into this mess?8

“Kim?”9

“How did I get myself into this mess?”  I was no longer talking to him.  10

“If he loved me he would not do this to me.”  I started to sob.  “He wouldn’t do this…”11

“Kim, you could still call me.”12

It wouldn’t be the same.  It would be a burden to you, not a joy.  13

“We could still talk.  I’d rather be best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend.  Best friends still talk.”14

“Sure.”15

“Is that okay?”16

“Sure.  It’s not like I have a choice,” I told him in with a cold voice.17

“Okay.  Talk to you later?”18

“Sure, whatever.”  I slammed the phone down, sobbing.  My brother looked at me.  19

I paid no attention.  I ran to my room, turning my music up as loud as I dared.  Then I went through my room.  All my shelves, my closet, my photo albums.  I removed all things that would ever remind me of him, and I put them in a shoebox and shoved it under my bed.  Its contents: his sunglasses, the locket he gave to me on the Fourth of July, our couple pictures from the graduation dance, his picture, a diary entry of that night, and all my thoughts and memories of him.  I will never go there again. 20