Larry suddenly stood at attention as branches scraping against his bedroom window sounded less like airy nature's whimsical passing than spectral claws marking the Pack's presence. Tonight there was a full, shiny moon, and it'd been a week since Larry had received the festering wound on his neck. Even the most minute stimulus flared with overtones of the calling he'd expected from his metamorphosis.1
Larry recalled his country sojourn, a back-packed hike through heady forestry, with apparently superhuman clarity, and his subsequent awakening in a common emergency room, caked blood crinkling across his torso as he rose from a gurney. Ignoring the hurried words from the eyewitness who had saved his life, that an itinerant grizzly had swiped him with its powerful paws, Larry had become convinced that it was actually a lycanthrope, a so-called "werewolf" who had champed over his questing body, infusing him with its cursed benediction, slaking his curiosity, his desire for a life less mundane.2
Yes, it must have been, it had to have been, a member of that mythical Wolf Pack that had targeted him and granted its transformative powers unto Larry. How else could his heightened senses be explained? What other reason was there for this total awareness, this surety of purpose, this zest and craving?3
...Severing his spinal cord as he rabidly thrashed against his bed frame, his fevered brain still dumbly awaiting the welcoming howls from the Pack that had lately chosen him.4
Within agonizing minutes, he asphyxiated on shiny air bubbles and lymph drowning his infected larynx.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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i have lots to say my first impression it was good but after reading many of times i realise that it was awsome and you have real talent it made me think about well everything your title real fits as well so thank you and keep writing i think you are really talanted you should check mine out x you have a way with words and lodsa comments please i beg you read my poems and comment i like the advice and dwell on the praise please x xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I liked the descriptive language very much, but some of your sentences were just too long.
Jamie :-) -
A little suggestive tryout you might want to check out...
In the first paragraph, you could've detached some of grammar and punctuation a bit. In other words, try this:
Larry suddenly stood at attention as branches scraping against his bedroom window sounded less like airy nature's whimsical passing than spectral claws marking the Pack's presence. Tonight there was a full, shiny moon and it'd been a week since he had received the festering wound on his neck. Even the most minute stimulus flared with overtones of the calling he'd expected from his metamorphosis.
2nd paragraph could swing like this(only this time, you couldve added a semicolon):
Larry recalled his country sojourn, a back-packed hike through heady forestry, with apparently superhuman clarity, and his subsequent awakening in a common emergency room, caked blood crinkling across his torso as he rose from a gurney. Ignoring the hurried words from the eyewitness who had saved his life, that an itinerant grizzly had swiped him with its powerful paws; had become convinced that it was actually a lycanthrope, a so-called "werewolf" who had champed over his questing body infusing him with its cursed benediction, slaking his curiosity, and his desire for a life less mundane.
3rd...try this:
Yes, it must have been- it had to have been a member of that mythical Wolf pack that had targeted him and somehow granted its transformative powers unto Larry. How else could his heightened senses be explained, or better yet, what other reason was there for this total awareness, this surety of purpose...this zest and craving?
The last two few lines also could go for like this maneer as well:
Severing his spinal cord as he rabidly thrashed against his bed frame, his fevered brain still dumbly awaiting the welcoming howls from the Pack(that had lately chosen him).
Within agonizing minutes, he finally asphyxiated on shiny air bubbles and lymph drowning his infected larynx.
Nonetheless this was a pretty good story
Rae -
needs work
Just didnt appeal to me. Maybe you need to read over it and edit some -
Hmmm... This seems somewhat similar in arrangement to the last story I read, in that it is a tale of the immenence of death. I liked the twist in this one, and that the cause of this person's death was a bit more understandable as being the cause of his own folly, perhaps his insane lust for power. Again, though it doesn't seem to me to have a classical 'plot', it carries with it a certain fascination. This was certainly more interesting to read than the theoretical lycanth story I could most likely find with ease on this site if I were enough of a masochist to look for it.
Mike -
keep it up!
I was dissapointed to say the least and tempted to laugh at his un-knowing demise. There could have been alot more to this. TYou can obviously write well, so write alot more! Keep it up and I'll look for more entertaining works in your name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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