Silence.1
“I’d say so,!” Keledry loudly declared, breaking the silence as she always had “why should we just sit here doing nothing in this hell! I’d rather be making a difference, changing the future for the young girls in this world. I’ve always wanted to do something about it but never had a chance to do anything...except for now.” she took a deep breath “I say we go.”2
Juniper was speechless as Keledry kept to drone on about what she thought and how they would gather women secretly. Arya nodding her head, and Brom grinning as Keledry stated firmly to him, “I think we’ll get together very well.” her brows straight and serious, as the rest tried not to grin.3
“Well I totally agree” Brom said in mock seriousness that only Keledry did not catch. “But if you are willing to commit we must leave, tonight.” each girl nodded. It was time.4
The next few hours where a blinding commotion of packing and re-packing, they didn’t know how long this adventure was to be, they’d pack for the worst, never coming back at all. Juniper thoughtlessly grabbed a unnecessary book of fairy tales that Keledry had just inserted into a traveling bag, and threw it into a shelve. Brom slowly kneeled down to where she was on the floor, plucked the book back out of the shelve and replaced it to the bulging bag. “We need something hopeful in these dark times.” he explained and quietly went help Arya lift a package full of grounded wheat. Juniper stared quitely into the bag where Brom had slipped it into, shocked, and now all her worries of the day tumbled out of her lips like an over loaded apple tree releases it’s load on a slit gust of wind.5
“How are we to get there before winter strikes if we don’t have horses, and if we’re caught all the people involved will be killed, and the people in the village will go mad and...” her deep eyes brimmed with tears ready to drop as Brom cut her off in a suddenly calm voice.6
“My dear,” he embraced her “ I know this is all sudden, but you mustn’t fear. For this should be bringing you hope. That I care, that there are men on your side too.” he said petting her soft hair luminous in the setting sun. Her weeping settled into a deep sigh, full of sadness. As her breath slowed down and her tears wiped away by her fair hand, Arya saw a large sheet of parchment lying on the floor. She picked it up, it was a map of their empire. She had never seen such a thing in here life, she didn’t recognize any of the towns until her eyes floated to the right, five jagged mountains in titled Tenes, she grinned at this, and then there was the village set into a small valley, Caravahal. Brom now was watching her... “ Brom, sir, where did you get this?”7
“Ahh, that my dear was a treasured gift from a man I call The Seeing Man...” he said slipping the map from Aryas’ grasp as Keledry tried to look over her angled shoulder. Though at the words: The Seeing Man all three beautiful women gasped.8
“You know of this man?” Juniper spoke her eyes round in wonder, maybe even fright.9
“I do, and you know of this man?10
“We do...” they all spoke in unison.11
“Aww well then another thing we have in common my dear, dear ladies.” Brom declared. Which was true, this was yet another thing that the four had in common. The mysterious “Seeing Man” as they called him, was a figure that appeared in dreams, though he could touch you and transfer items to the dreamer. He wore a brown cloak that came around his face and shielded his face. But sometimes thick blonde curls would erupt against the earthy mask, and they’d get a dart of ice-cold blue eyes, piercing, and abusive.12
“Do you know where he comes from, sir??” Keledry asked curiously.13
Brom sighed and continued, “Unfortunately I know as much as you, though all I need to know is if he is foe or friend.” his face suddenly disturbed and troubled he mumbled, “Now what happened to that packing we where doing?”....14
Author notes
please comment (be truthful and if you have advice tell me!) and keep reading!!! peace to all ~flight
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thanks...though i do disagree with one thing you mentioned, the thing about not having alot of fairytales there are some books ive read where people have lots of fairy tales (with bards and such). these girls where givin many, many books over the years to keep them 'satisfide' because the villagers where afraid of them...im sorry for being so vage in these first chapters because i know the story so well in my head i think these things are a givin....thanks again...and Keledry is very intense dont you know anyone who is constint words like a little kid or something who is really mature? anyway thanks...peace to all ~flight
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sorry, forgot.Brom seems to be a little wary. Put in a little more depth in his appearence and personality. Keledry seems a little too intense, come on, like who in the world hasn't had anything to damper their mood one bit? Arya seems pushy. Try to add more detail on how they react to one another. Right know it seems too plain, like your writing a kid's book with picture on every page. the story has to flow. Add snapshots(details like memories or visions. be vivid) and thought shots (describe what their thinking, how they feel how they feel things)And a book of fairytales was pretty rare, but I bet you can let that pass. Read a few more books to give you a few more ideas and give background information on situations such as of the "seeing man" to make it seem more real. Remember, Mark Twain said, "You have to read 100 books before you can write one." I hope this is enough for you. I can be pretty strict as a reviser, so don't hate me for all of this. the story's a good starting point.
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hey, i was just wondering you never say anything about how the characters are and how to improve on that. thats something i can expand on cause i can work it out in my own brain and not have to like...research??? yea just wondering.....peace to all ~flight
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hey, yea i know that the language is sapouse to be set in sorta middle ages (if you've ever read the book Eragon or the Eldest its kinda that area of fantisy time...) but these days i dont have time to study that language and get it correct, for i am a very busy teenager
, though i hope when i am older i can revise this story. also i AM a horrible speller and just need another eye to catch spelling mistakes because when i look at it it looks right, even if it isnt (i do us spell check which usually catches most of my spelling...) anyway the play PIPPIN went very well!! my brother Justin was the lead role (Pippin) and even though he broke his collar-bone on his 18th birthday three weeks before profomences he did very well...thanks for reading and i hope you continie reading my work!! peace to all ~flight
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good
Hey, you might want to watch the language. This tale seems to be sort of middle age to dark age sort and they spoke differently back then. Oh, and spelling is a miricale. Just ignore me if you want. Most people don't even know how to read the lanuage I'm talking about. It can get sort of complecated. Just a reminder to watch yourself. How was your play anyway?
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