-Prologue-1
In a house on an edge of a cliff, lies a room full of forbidden, paranormal life. Anyone who dared to enter the room would never come out. Many people heard rumors but wasn't for sure of the life. Well the story starts.......here.......2
-Chapter 1-3
The day before graduation, a group of six teenagers (three boys and three girls) were thinking they would take a trip the day after graduation. They boys thought they should go to that forbidden house on the cliff but the girls said they weren't aloud to go anywhere near that house. The girls said they should just go to a different town and stay at a hotel or something. But, of course, they did what they guys wanted to do.4
-Day of Graduation-5
The day of graduation was a hassle. Everyone was getting ready for their speeches and getting their hair done. The six teenagers always met everyday to discuss when they would leave and what they would pack. The boys said pack light. They girls agreed because they knew they wouldn't be there very long. Hours away from graduating high school, one of the three girls was suspicious about going to the house and staying there. The others were saying it would be okay and there was nothing to worry about.6
-The Day after Graduation-7
The teenagers were just now leaving for the house. In an hour they would be there.8
-The House-9
They arrived at the house. They all thought what a beautiful house it is. As they went inside the house, a fog started rolling in outside. the house had a very eerie feeling to it. It was cold and dusty. They all got to pick their rooms to stay in. Do you remember the girl that was suspicious about going? Well, guess which room she got? As she was turning the knob of the door, she could hear a faint scare but paid no attention to it. She opened the door and ...............was gone forever...........or so they thought............10
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Eerie. But cool. I think it may be a little rushed though. Like, how about names, personalities, and things like that. I think that this whole first chapter, could be the whole story if planned out right. It's your story, but it's just a suggestion. I'm working on a story called "Our First Christmas" right now, and as much as I want to rush to Christmas, I need to go slow and pick each word carefully to keep my readers entertained. I thought it had a wonderful plot and I think that maybe what you labeled as "house" "The graduation day" etc, could be the chapters. I hate working with chapters, but everyone is different. And as this says "Chapter One", shows that you expected to write more on this topic. Which is good. Try to find details to put in. Anyways, I liked it except for what I wrote.
Love you, Mom. -
I thought there wasnt very much detail to it...i had a hard time envisioning it..also the use of suspicious did not make sense to me "one of the three girls was suspicious about going to the house and staying there" it just doesnt really fit. It was vague and quite short for a story. Im also very picky. You also need to find more words..in the part House, You used house 4 times in consecutive sentences.Anyway..you will progress soon......
Faith Trust and Pixie Dust -
you sped it along a little too quickly I think. Great idea for a story here. But this seemed more of a chapter summary than a chapter. By the time she entered the room I didnt care enough about her to be all that scared. You should probably develop the characters and background story before marching into the room. Great ideas though keep it up.
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i really like the cliffhanger ending even if it all does feel kind of rushed and there's not much development, but you are writing this in an interesting way. definately a good start, and i can't wait to read more.
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ooo i like the eerie flow of this piece.. i like how it quickly flashes from scene to scene keeping the reader enthralled.i also liked the breakup with the setting and/or time .. the way u didn't name the characters makes the readers feel as if it could be anyone.. a family member, a friend or even the reader, himself. the ending was a shock and not what was expected as all.. great cliffhanger.
Yours,
FlavoredPoison
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