"And the time will come, when I, the man christened Kat'roc, the bane of the world, will rule over the Altar of Divinity, and not even the six Gods of Power will be able to stop me in my path to eternity." The evil man said and then chuckled an evil laugh.1
He ran, passing through Manalar, and continuing past, until he ran the many leagues from Manalar to Gothrielle Dar'Altarx, The Altar of Divinity. But he raced to no avail, for as he descended the last hill, the meeting of the Gods had begun. 2
He could see fair Bravatrix, her courageous heart, showing in her face; beautiful Meryll, whose lustrous sapphire skin glowed in the soft moonlight; Angry Pyrox, whose burning passion glowed in his flaming eyes with a vengeance; calm Telamar, whose ancient face was gnarled like that of tree bark; lovely Atrianna, Princess of Whim, with her good heart and golden purity; and swift Cyclonux, his breezy complexion could throw any mortal off. 3
Pouring their power into the altar, they turned their back on the evil that was descending the hill, and were caught off guard. Evil Kat'roc drew his sword of Eternal Malevolence, and slew five of the gods. But, for fair Atrianna, he took his time, and ran his blade down her neck, in between her breasts, and down to her stomach, and there, he thrust the sword through her stomach, breaking her concentration. 4
She turned, bleeding, and raised her fair hand. "Man of demon lore, a punishment you shall face, I cast you from your body, to walk the earth, and weep for the crime that you have commit!" And she cast the spell, expelling Kat'roc's soul from his body. 5
The spell sapped the rest of Atrianna's mortal strength, and she took her last breath. Immediately, her spirit rose with the five spirits of her kin, and together, they tore the spirit of Kat'roc from the earth, and cast him into the Wastes of Dragoon, re-christening it "the Kat'roc Wastes," and Atrianna stepped forward, and with her power of whim, she wove a wall of finest ivory, which glistened in the sun. 6
"Kat'roc has banished us from our bodies my kin, let us finish the ritual, and leave this place, once we leave, we will find a way to do the ritual again in 10,000 years." And they finished the ritual. 7
Later, after completion, Atrianna turned to Pyrox, "This 10,000 year period belongs to you." And she gave him the keys of Divinity. And with those final words, the spirits of the six gods departed and founded their eternal home in the sky. And they returned only once, but that story is a story for another day...8
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Comments
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this is a good story. the only suggestion i have is use more synonyms, because in the second paragraph you used ran, only twice may it be, but it made it sound like you didnt know what else to say. My suggestion for that is maybe use "crossed". Also, punctuation. in the paragraph with the gods descriptions some of the punctuations make it to choppy and segmented. the comma should be taken out from this sentence, "He could see fair Bravatrix, her courageous heart showing in her face;" and in this sentence, "swift Cyclonux, his breezy complexion could throw any mortal off. " should be "swift Cyclonux, with his breezy complexion, could throw any mortal off." Those are the only things i can find wrong with this. cant wait for the next chapter.
Mistress Rose
