Beating a Dead Horse- Part One

Beating a Dead Horse 1

Part One2

“Drugs are bad because they make you feel good.” 3

-Anonymous4

I knew something was wrong when I came home to an empty house. 5

I mean, my parents are never home, but Lexie has to be there to let me in. And she always had been, up until that point. My first reaction was that she was out with some friends, possible Michelle. The Michelle issue was an interesting one; she was in Lexie’s grade, ninth, but I was dating her. She hadn’t known Lexie and I were related until she’d invited us both separately to a movie with her. What a shock. But Michelle and Lexie were close friends, and that was OK because I really liked both of them and therefore had no problem with my sister going with us on dates. I’ll admit it was a bit awkward at times, but not too bad. We dealt. 6

But on this particular Friday, Lexie was not home. Strange. I went to the neighbors and asked for the spare key and went inside. Nothing was touched from that morning. I checked the messages on the phone: there was one from Lexie.7

“Aubrey, if you get this I’m not here. I’m not even in the city. I’m not even in Oklahoma. I’m sorry Aubrey, I couldn’t stay there. I don’t want you to think you have anything to do with this, because you don’t. I just…” she broke off, “I’m sorry. I don’t know when I’ll talk to you again. Bye.” And that was the last time I saw her. I didn’t cry because I hadn’t in years, and then didn’t seem like such a great time to start, but I wanted to. I shut myself in my room and avoided everyone for about a month, thinking maybe people would stop hating me if I ignored them. I’m not so lucky. My dad became (much to my surprise, but not really) even more abusive, and I suspected that his drug usage was getting a little more frequent. He was always drunk it seemed, and that didn’t help his temper. Now that Lexie was gone I was the only punching bag left, and my school attendance dropped to two out of every five days. I spent the other three in the hospital. 8

I was beginning to think my life should just end there, nothing was going right and I couldn’t seem to pull myself together. And just to add to it, college scouts were already becoming interested in my basketball abilities. My dad said they’d better not count their chickens, what if I died before I hit 18? I just wished they’d wait until ninth grade, at least.9

My mom was depressed and anorexic, and I found out completely and horribly by accident that she cut. I went in her room one day and she was laying on the bed crying, carving deep into her wrist dark red circles all up and down her arm. I hugged her and the blood got on my shirt. I held on that shirt, it left some emotional impression on me that I couldn’t quite place, but now I’m very glad I did. 10

James decided to hate me about that time. I’m not sure why. We stopped talking, and I seemed to just quit seeing him at all. 11

I found out that Lexie was in Alabama pursuing her dreams of being a dancer at some school of the arts there. I missed her so much, but part of me wanted to kill her for ditching me. I had no reason to live, but for some reason I managed not to do anything stupid. Sure, I drank some, I smoked once or twice, I cut a few times, but all in all I kept myself together real well. I shut myself off from much of the world and lived only for myself. The crowd I fell into wasn’t the best, and I regret many of the choices I made in their company, but that is an entirely different story all together. 12

The climax of that eventful year happened in October. My dad got busted for his drug dealings, and was put in jail. I remember the day they picked him up; they’d been monitoring our house for months at that point because of some secret information Michelle had given them regarding my relationship with my father, but I knew something was different about the way they came in that day. They about busted down the door. One of them ran into my room and pulled my arms back behind my back, so that I couldn’t get away without dislocating something. They searched through my room and Lexie’s, then (still holding on to me) went downstairs.13

My mom was standing in the middle of the kitchen with two policemen gripping her arms so tightly that they were turning white, and my father was in the doorway doing his best to resist the three policemen attempting to shove him through it. He was a big man: 6’7”, about 270 pounds, but the policemen soon had him handcuffed and out the door. I was still oblivious to the whole situation, but something was terribly wrong, I could tell that much. My mother was screaming and crying, my father was cursing and screaming and at first I didn’t notice but his words were directed towards me. 14

All I caught was, “I am going to fucking kill you,” and that’s all I remember to this day.15

He was put in jail for the next six months and I was glad for it, even though I knew this could not possibly be the end of it. 16