Love.

I always thought that I could understand the matters of the heart, that I knew the ways that it worked.
That like discovering why the sky is blue, one day it would simply be explained. Understood. Known.
As simple and as real as magic was to me at that young age, that naive phase, where everything was...good.
And just like that the Disney seed was planted, and I dreamt one day my prince would come. And just like this I sit and wonder if Disney lied to me.
But then it grew, from Disney to the universal truths of the world. Who was it that said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" because I challenge this.
Absence makes my heart grow weaker. Now I'm susceptible to everything that makes me scared. Absence makes my heart grow paranoid.
Then my heart no longer calls the shots. My mind steps in with logic and everything magical about the world disappears.
Purple and green and orange are nothing but a mix of primary colors. And love is a word that Webster told me. Love is a word that hurts me irrationally.
And then my mind and heart are suddenly at war. I've become nothing less of cynical, hollow, and empty until you walked into my life.
I can't always see but I can feel my way around this God forsaken cave. My hand is held by something I'm not afraid of. Rainbows are rising from the dead.
I am graced by you, this angel with wings whose touch is soft and scent still lingers, how do you expect me to not break when you have gone away?
Your wings sent wind into my lungs and now that you're gone I can't breathe. I am only human. You can't expect me not to breathe.
It's like you're expecting me not to feel for you, to cry for you, when all you've done is give me something, to take away.
Do you think you're being gentle? Setting me down slowly, onto the torment that is the ground. But I've been living with you in the clouds for so long, even the simple dirt beneath my feet feels like being thrown onto concrete, shattering my hands and knees. And dare I beg you to love me back?
Though I am unneeded and unwanted, my attempts to win you over are futile. You are better than me in this game of love. And from this I learn the definition of heartbreak. It is not what the books have taught me, it is not like understanding the moon and stars and they way things work, but it is felt-I can literally feel the cracks in my heart. The crevices, the rivers of blame and confusion and frustration and emptiness all running through me. No not running. Crashing through me. Slamming into me. Filling every corner of me with this insane feeling of pain that is shrieking 'you will never be whole again'.
So I find myself here gasping for breathe, grasping for sense, grasping for you even though you slip through my fingers like the morning mist of tomorrow. I can't go on. I can't go on. Those are my only thoughts now that I am left to myself. I don’t want to be by myself.
I don't want to be someone that you don't want. Someone that isn't good enough for you. Someone you would never love. And you can't tell me its okay. You can't try to console me. You left me. You broke me. You don't get to be sorry.
It's unfair to me, it's against the rules. You can't reject me then be kind to me; that is unfair to me.
And if you are hurting, that doesn't make me happier. It doesn't give me satisfaction to know you're broken too. And I wonder, are you broken too? Does this rip through you the way it did me? Are you living through a filter of what you should and shouldn't say around me? Are you lying too?
Are we toying with each other? The ice we're dancing on is dangerously thin and I'm wondering when I'll fall through and if you'll come after me.
Or will you run away. Frightened. Afraid that if you try, and you fail, that you will have wasted your time. Wasted time on me. Wasted your life. Your love. Your anything or everything. On me. Will you run away, afraid you will regret
the possibilities between us? Everything that could have happened, everything that still can happen?
Even if. Even when. I have to pull myself out of the freezing water, watching you flap your wings and leave me, colder than I've ever been, more numb than I could ever imagine, even then I won't regret loving you.
I would regret letting you slip away. It has never been so hard for me to watch you leave, than it has been right now. I deeply wish that you could fly me away with you with those strong wings,
that you could hold me in your arms and let me breathe again, protected and safe and for once maybe, whole. because I can't lie, without you I don't know if I will ever feel anything but hollow. others will come I know, but there will never be another you.
And there will never be another us, another we, another love like we shared. Though time does heal all wounds, you and only you are able to freshly open them, but I will never stop loving you, because love is giving someone your heart, and trusting them not to break it.