Some may call you a sinner

All I ever wanted in life was to know that I was loved. Even if my life all came crumbling down around me, I would be happy as long as i knew someone was there, and they cared. To be someone's angel for a few seconds.1

My mum never seemed that bothered about me. She was out most of the day, and so tired by the end of her shift, she'd usually go out for a few drinks then collapse into bed at about 3 in the morning. My friends at school would invite me out, but it usually involved drinking and guys. I didn't like drinking. And I certainly didn't like those types of guys they met up with.2

It was because of them that I met you though. Do you remember the 80s karaoke in that bar? I wasn't hiding in the cloakroom because of the music though, it was from the ginger guy, sixteen years old. He wouldn't leave me alone, and in the end, I freaked out and hide for the rest of the evening. 3

You only came in, because you had a headache. It wasn't because of alcohol, as you'd only had a half pint of beer. You told me you weren't a very heavy drinker. You told me a lot that night, on the floor in the dusty cloakroom. And I guess I told you quite a bit too.4

I still remember your aftershave, and six o'clock shadow on your chin. I remember you saying that you were getting too old for pub crawling. I remember you asking all about me, and discovering that we had similar taste in music despite the twenty-two year age gap. I remember thinking how nice you were.5

…Pervert…pervert…pervert…pervert…6

I touched your hand, and asked what was wrong. For a moment, you turned and looked at it, hovering your other hand above mine, debating whether to lay it down on top. But the fear of eyes suppressed you, and you drew away, repeating that you don’t think we should hang around anymore.7

I placed my hands into my lap, and squeezed them tight, trying not to cry. Eventually I found the courage to say it:8

“Sarah told you to do this, didn’t she?”9

Your head snapped up, but you still didn’t look me in the eye, “Huh?”10

“She doesn’t like her boyfriend hanging out with a ‘little girl’, does she? She wants you all to herself. Well, I guess if that’s what you’ve decided…”11

I pushed my chair back, and got up, pulling my hood round my head so you wouldn’t see the droplets that had betrayed me and escaped my eyelids. I dropped coins on the table for my drink, and began to run for the exit. I was sobbing and couldn’t see where I was going. I could vaguely make out the door, and kept weaving towards it, but you got there before I did. Grabbing my left arm, you spun me round to face you.12

“Listen to me, you’ve got this completely wrong,” you said, holding me by both shoulders and bending slightly to look into my face, “Sarah didn’t ask me to stop seeing you. Sarah isn’t even my girlfriend.”13

Raising my head to look into your eyes, to see if this was a cruel joke, I saw only seriousness. Along with another emotion.14

“Really?”15

You cupped my chin in your hands and wiped away my tears from my cheeks, looking me straight in the eye. 16

“Really.”17

“Then what did you come here to tell me?”18

But, I didn’t need an answer. I could already see.19

…Cradle snatcher…cradle snatcher…cradle snatcher…cradle snatcher…20

The streets in the town centre had always seemed so dark, yet when we were together I noticed the moon, the brightness of the stars. When we went ice skating, I danced, and you said I looked magical, like a fairy. I skated up to you, and slipped on a wet patch. You  were quick to be there for me, to catch me when I fell. Like no one else had been before.21

Later, as we skated in circles, I began to notice our audience. they pretended to be watching their own children, but they couldn't keep their eyes away from us. Even from a distance I saw their criticisms flaming through. Except none was towards me. It was all towards you. The older man.22

…Paedophile…paedophile…paedophile…paedophile…23

If I could relive one moment of our time together, it would have been that night you dropped me home, when it was snowing. You parked your car one street away from my house, so you could walk me back in the snow. We were wrapped up in thick layers, but i was still cold, so you walked with your arms around me. A sudden warmth filled me from the inside out, but it did not do much to shelter me from the cold. It was just the feeling of being accepted and wanted.24

When we got to the door, I was still shaking, so you undid your coat and pulled me in close and zipped it up around us, like a personal cocoon. I smiled and gazed up at your face peeking out from the woolly hat, and thick grey scarf. You smiled back, and at that moment I became something I had never been before.25

I was spontaneous. I lent up and kissed you.26

…Rapist…rapist…rapist…rapist…27

We’d only slept together once. It wasn’t in a grotty dark alleyway, with you just wanting to satisfy your animal instincts, like they all thought. You were so caring and gentle, constantly asking if I was OK, telling me to just say the word and it would stop. And even though I was scared, it wasn’t because of you. It was because of them.28

I knew they would find out. I'm not sure how, but they did. Or maybe they just made it up. I never told them, and I know you didn't either. You wouldn't do that to me. You weren't like all the guys my age.29

…Sinner…sinner…sinner…sinner…30

Soon, the taunts started at school. Everyone had heard about me arguing with my mum. Everyone had seen me with you. Everyone had heard rumours about what we got up to behind closed doors. And even though it was lies, they didn't care.31

I was called a tart, a slag, a slapper - the usual insults that people throw at you. One group used to chant "Stay away from our Grandpas!" whenever they saw me, even during classes. I even got a threatening email from a girl in my form, telling me to stop eyeing up her dad, or she'd make me regret it.32

Mum had banned me from seeing you, my friends had disappeared when the bullying started, my neighbours hid behind their curtains when I walked past, and teachers looked down their noses at me.33

But the worst thing was you. You made me so happy, yet I saw the damage I was doing you. No one spoke to you, and your family were disgusted by you. I remember the pain in your face when you weren't allowed to go see your little nephew in the shop, because I was with you.34

All I ever wanted in life was to know I was loved. You'd given me that moment a thousand times over. And now it was time to store those memories away, and set you free.35

…Killer…killer…killer…killer…36

When I danced, you said I was your fairy. When I smiled, I was your princess. When I slept, I was your Sleeping Beauty.37

But, in order to truly set you free, I had to let go. I had to be your Sleeping Beauty forever. Lie down, and never ever wake up.38

Just, so you know, you weren't my wicked witch. You weren't my killer. You were my Prince Charming, and you made my life.39

You didn't kill me. THEY did. You know that.40

And deep down they do too.41