* Opening Scene: A man jumps off a waterfall*1
* Cuts out before the man’s body touches the water*2
Act 1- Scene 13
* A girl’s sitting on her bedside, a book in her right hand as she drinks from her cup, her mother knocks on the door. *4
“Come in.”5
Mother: “Darling, I must warn you to be on your best behavior. We haven’t had guests in the house for such a long time. You know how your father and I were waiting for this night, please don’t spoil it for us.”6
*The young girl sighs.* 7
“Alright Mom. I promise I will not spoil it for you.”8
* She goes back to reading her story. * 9
Mother: “And sweetie. Would you please stop reading so much, it will rot your brain.”10
* Mother starts to shut the door. *11
“WHAT?! Are you telling me that I should stop reading? Who was the person who told me to start in the first place? Who was the one who told me it would enhance my brain?”12
* Mother sighs *13
“Honey, that was when you were younger. When you didn’t know any better, your brain still needed a bigger vocabulary. And plus, you needed a way to stop getting out of my hair. Now that you’re grown up, you don’t need it anymore.”14
* Mother shuts the door. The young girl sighs and falls on her bed, she stares at her ceiling. She starts talking to herself.*15
“Mother’s wrong. Reading will not rot my brain, it has meaning to it, there is much more beyond comprehending the words. I don’t know just what it is, but I will find out. I don’t know how, but I will.”16
*The young girl curls up in a little ball, and falls asleep. *17
End of Scene 118
Author notes
Hey...please be critical. I know it makes no sense right now, but it's my first time writing a screenplay. And I already have an idea for what I want to do. Please tell me what I did wrong ..or yeah.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
Yes, I do have to get he correct formatting..and yes I do have to make a stronger introduction. This is just a rough draft, just a first time.
Now the guy in the waterfall...that won't be showing until another act. I don't know how many acts there will be, it's a proloque..and so by connecting him into the first Act = Killing the suspsense and whole point of it. -
ive never before written a screenplay, so I cant really critique it much because I don't know what it is supposed ot look like, but i think it would be awesome if:
1. you figured out how to format it correctly
2. You gave a stronger intro to the characters
3. If at the end, ,you some how tie the first cut with the guy at the waterfall in, by making him land in the water or put some type of twist on it that has to do with the rest of the story
-
Engaging
An engaging piece. The domestic situation holds the attention and makes the reader want to read more. -
Thank you so much for this! Ahh...first time I've ever written a screenplay. I had no idea how to do it. I tried...but I just couldn't. So I used the way I found was closest.
I too found it weak...I just have a story in my head, and needed to write it down. I still can't figure out what the first scene should be. I had an idea...a while ago, but it didn't come. Like you..I didn't like how the mother just told her to stop reading. I just couldn't think of anything else.
Thank you soo much for your critique, and for the website. -
Hmm . . . well, I don't want to be mean, but your formatting is almost 100% off.
I'd suggest checking out this site:
www.oscars.org/nicholl/format.html
It's useful as far as that's concerned.
As for the rest of it--it seemed a little weak. IMO characters should be developed before they pull a stunt like telling their child not to read, it shouldn't be the second line of dialogue out of his/her mouth, you know? I can't see the motivation of the mother in doing that, but I'm sure you were planning on revealing that later, so I'll leave you to that
Good luck in writing!
You should join my group! It's for aspiring filmmakers such as you and I, and I try to be as big a help as I can, but there's not much activity on our board . . . -
yo i reaslly liked the scen stuff and i liked the flow of it but any way i think you should write more iight peace out!!!
-
It's an interesting one... I'd like to know where this is going, so I'll keep reading it.
-
I have no experiance in this so.... I like the story line :-P but I have no idea how to critic a screenplay
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
