T-ohgodwhy-light

I was on Etsy a couple days ago. For those who don't know, Etsy is an Ebay-like (though no auctions) site where people can sell craft supplies, handmade jewelry, soap, clothes, etc. There's a lot of crap ("look! I glued a plastic button to a bobby pin!") but there's a lot of hidden gems to be found, too.1

Just for kicks I did a search for "vampire," expecting some fang necklaces and goth clothing, maybe some Twilight fanart. Oh boy. Full 90% of what was there was Twilight-related (mostly with the same couple slogans ripped off of Hot Topic t-shirts and posters) and most of that was so low-quality (Twilight brown paper bags, anyone?) that it was completely laughable. And terrifying. The other ten percent was mostly True Blood-related, with a smattering of Nosferatu and Bela Lugosi. There were a few 1992-Dracula things, and some non-licensed art.2

I don't like Twilight, the books. I've read them all, because when the Twilight first came out, I was pretty excited. I like vampires, I like romance, so when I saw a brand-new vampire romance on the shelf, my first thought was "hey why not." I liked it well enough; it was a breezy, easy read that mostly revolved around 400 pages of intense, all-consuming sexual tension. The fact that the main character was a doormat and the romantic lead was a stalker didn't bother me too much, because it was pretty obviously written for teenagers and women to masturbate to. Nothing wrong with that.3

I didn't quite understand what was going on once New Moon came out and Twilight became the biggest book this side of Harry Potter. I had a LOT of problems with New Moon. The gist of it is that it pretty much admitted that the main character was spineless, in a co-dependent relationship, and a complete blubbering idiot without a powerful male to guide her. 4

So throughout book 2, New Moon, we got to know Jacob, the friendly-neighborhood-werewolf. He's not rich, not physically perfect, and not intense and mysterious. Our plucky (cough) protagonist Bella has known him since they were kids. They have a shared interest in cars and motorcycles. Jacob is sweet, funny, and generally a good guy. He's there for Bella after Edward abandons her, and she is (marginally) better off for it.5

Book 3, Eclipse, has Edward back in town and Bella mildly torn between Edward and Jacob. For many people (although it's never wise to discount the endless hordes of Bella/Edward people,) Jacob seemed like the best choice. He's also substantially more mentally stable than good ol' Eddie. So what does he do to prove to Bella he's the one? Sexually assault her, of course! Sometimes I just want to sit Stephie Meyer (see, we're friends! I call her Stephie!) down with a nice writing guide, preferably one with at least one segment about this little thing called building believable, consistent characters. Anyway. It was still fun enough, in a mildly self-abusive way. I barely remember the contents of Eclipse, other than angsting about Jacob and Edward and maybe some werewolves had a fight on a hill.6

I got the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, at a midnight release at my local Borders. It was fun, a lot of my friends were there. There were people in costume and carnival games and trivia contests. I didn't care too much about Team Edward, Team Jacob, or Team Swiss, but it was basically a cultural phenomenon more than a book series at that point. The first three books all disgusted me in different ways, but like someone who goes to Nascar races hoping to see a fiery crash, I hoped for an amusing end to the quartet.7

I read Breaking Dawn in the car on the way to Door County. When I finished it, I set it down on the seat next to me.8

"Mom," I said, "that is the absolute worst book I have EVER read."9

I stand by that claim. Smeyer had destroyed what little personality Bella had, in favor of manufactured "drama." There was violent, awful sex, even if it was only alluded to. I read Dracula recently. Dracula, written in 1897 by an Irish man, featured views on sex, marriage, and women's rights fifty times more enlightened than the ones in Breaking Dawn. Keep in mind that Breaking Dawn was written by a youngish woman in 2008.10

I did enjoy the movie, mostly because it abandoned the 20-page long descriptions of Edward's perfect lips and perfect muscles and perfect chest and perfect hair and perfect shit that comes out of his perfect ass, perfectly. The script had a little humor and a few realistic high-schoolers (which the books sorely lacked,) and I like Peter Facinelli because he was in Can't Hardly Wait ten years ago and I refuse to admit he's not 24 anymore. Of course, given that movie!Bella has things like half a spine and almost-but-not-quite a will of her own, I can hardly imagine how the second movie could happen without, again, destroying what vestiges of personality Kristen Stewart has brought to the character. When you look to Kristen Stewart, queen of the only-one-expression style of acting, to add spice to a character? That's when you know you're doing it wrong.11

Anyone who has read New Moon should understand why--the hole in her soul? The ten blank pages, because she is NOTHING without Edward? Breaking Dawn is even more unfathomable. I don't even know where to begin--a baby with the worst possible name this side of Placenta Urine who looks like a tiny adult, communicates by groping and has a romantic bond with a teenage werewolf (but it's A-OK because she'll conveniently super-age into an adult in 6 years, at which point IT WILL STILL BE A 23 YEAR OLD RAPING A SIX YEAR OLD?) and Bella's diamond womb and... ahh. Cool down. Oh, wait, I forgot the part where the baby has to be chewed out of her. SEXAY.12

I can't even see the Twilight "vampires" as vampires. They're not vampires so much as they're Kryptonians who like raw meat and sparkle. They have almost no traits that tie them to vampires, and I think that's one of the reasons that the vampire genre is losing its literary and horror cred. Fully half the books in the YA section at Borders are vampire/other supernatural romances, with most of said vamps being little more than really hot humans who like steak tartare. Smeyer has nearly single-handedly destroyed what bits of respect YA novels, vampire novels, and even werewolf novels have gained in the last twenty years or so.13

Congratulations.14


I also worry about the messages about gender roles and relationships that are being sent to girls between the ages of, say, 6 and 12 (and they ARE reading Twilight; a seven-year-old girl walked up to Robert Pattinson and asked if he could bite her .) It's setting them up to believe that stalking is romantic; that boys who tell you to stay the hell away from them, or else, are ideal; that abortion is not an option even in the face of near-certain, torturous death; that you should always go for the sexy creeper over the kind, sweet boy-next-door; that it's A-OK to bang a 90-year-old; that a teenage or adult guy lusting after a toddler for years (the Hikaru Genji Plan, anyone? ) is romantic; that marrying your high-school sweetheart will inevitably end with a happy, stable, loving family in a perfect little cottage; that you are nothing without a man; that your boyfriend means more than all your friends, family, and personal goals combined; that blind trust, and lying to your friends and parents, is fine; that sex that nearly kills you is desirable and should be repeated nightly; that you should only settle for ultimate perfection, rock-hard (literally) abs, and intense physical beauty; that relationships should be built on intense lust and instant attraction, not common interests, compromise, trust, and compassion; that doing suicidal things over and over is great, so long as it lets you hear your boy-toy's voice when you almost die; and probably a bunch of other things.15

So that's Twilight.