Heart's Tears

"My mind does not ache of this pain nor of this world. So the tears my eyes hold can not bestow unto me my relief. Let the pain of my heart be shed by my hearts tears, let my flesh weep in blood. . . ."1

"The razor dances across my flesh, not too deep, not too shallow. The wounds just enough to let out a few droplets at a time. I am not bleeding, I am weeping. Judge me not for this atrocity as ye may see it. Judge me only as ye would judge the broken woman who's love and child had died. Judge me only as ye would the frightened child, lost in the sea of strangers with their mother no-where in sight. Judge me only as ye would the lost man, whose thought soul-mate was mating another soul."2

"Judge me only as human. . . ."3

The words of despair left Xavier's lips effortlessly, for it was not his throat clogged from his weeping, no. . . . He gaped as the wounds mounted slowly, and the blood began to flow. Reminding himself softly as he worked. . . .4

"This is not mutilation, this is salvation, free me oh hollowed tears, I beg of thee my sanity. Mend the wounds that time has cast unto me, for time has wounded all of my heals. . . . I bleed, and the pain but stings ever-so-softly. Like his whispers in my ear. . . ."5

The blood poured more fervantly, actual wounds had appeared. The bloodied blade of Salvation fell to the table as he closed his eyes. Two ticks, three, the clock sounded so distant. At last tears could fill his eyes. Spoken so tiredly, his words returned.6

"Cold, this is my Salvation? I feel I die, therefor I am human. . . . My blood stains this Holy land, perhaps now as I fall to slumber; prehaps now that slumber shall be peace. . . ."7

Then all at once, as if cued by that final breath, his consciouness collapsed. . . .8

"Xavier; my love, awaken, I beg you. . . ." Wolgang whispered into his love's ear for what seemed the millionth time that night. His love's near-corpse lie neatly in his lap, cradled as if it were the most precious item in existance. Tears stained his shirt with their bitter-sweet salt, set far into the fabric. Yet he could not care, all his world, that one man, lie in his lap so very near death, and he could not notice anything else.9

Heavily lidded eyes then stirred, though they looked like butterfly wings to Wolfgang. The generally sparkling green eyes of Xavier only burned low as they were revealed, but at least they held some warmth, some life. Unlike his eyes his body held claim to none of life's telling traits but a heartbeat and faintly visible breaths.10

"Wolfie?" Xavier managed after a moment, reaching weakly to stroke his lover's long brown locke he kept over one eye, just for him. . . . Wolfgang's heart skipped a beat as that marvolous voice finally returned to his ears.11

If any other were in his place, love-driven anger would have been were only love itself dwelled in that man. If any other held their love in their lap, almost dead from their own fault, it would be hard to forgive what they would see as betrayal. However, that man, he saw only his perfect darling lying there, and he saw nothing wrong that their love would not solve on its own. . . .12

Xavier's arms managed to wrap around the other's neck, he even managed to sit up in his lover's lap so to enjoy the lover's embrace. He knew the time would come all too soon when he'd have to explain his actions, but for the moment they only enjoyed the peace.13

"Lovely?"14

"Is it that time already?" 15

"I am sorry, but I have to know what it is." Wolfgang returned, moving to sit beside the younger man, no, he was too young, but a boy. . . .16

"My heart aches my love. . . . It tears me from within to without. I see the wretched world, and wonder. I see the children sobbing, I see the homeless begging for only something to eat and some liquer to drown their sorrows. I see world destroying itself and it makes me need to weep, but my mind is not what is ailed. Intellect justifies the suffering, yet my heart cannot, and thus my heart must pay its own tears that my eyes cannot. I wish it were so simple as I were depressed without cause, or such with only cause of something to be fixed. Truly though, the world and your absence are the only things that can hurt me. . . ."17

"Then do not leave this home my lovely, I implore you. Stay within our safe walls where one cannot see the pain outside of them. Create again our own world and forget the old. We can again; your job is not necessary and it seems that it hurts you so."18

"We ca19

TBC (I hope.....) have to sleep right now,20