Not your daughter

Dear Mum,1

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if I wasn’t your daughter? How we would be if I was a work experience student and I came to work at the university with you? What would you think of me?2

Imagine the scene. I had the interview with your boss Sheila, but the first time I meet you is first thing Monday morning. I turn up nearly twenty minutes late, because the university is so diverse and my sense of direction is so poor. But then again you know that. Although you wouldn’t today. Not if I wasn’t your daughter.3

Would you tut at me, and think about all the other annoying, lazy creatures that have miserably traipsed into your office at 8.30, and just assume I was another one? Or would you remember your first day trying to find your interview room, and ending up on the other side of Cambridge?4

It would be a warmish morning, so I would probably wear my ripped black skirt. You know, the one with the ribbons hanging off the side, that I bought while we were on holiday in America last year? Ah except you wouldn't know. Because I wouldn't be your daughter.5

Would you look me up and down, and shake your head at my black clothing and thick black eyeliner, assuming me to be morbid and distracted the whole two weeks? Or would you think back to your school days and to that group of girls who chose to ignore you because of the way they prejudged your look?6

After introducing yourself, you'd show me around. Shelia wouldn't be in till nine, so you'd take me round the office, showing me where everything is. You'd explain to me about my jobs, lunchtime, who I'd be working for. Maybe you'd even take me up to the photocopying room, and demonstrate to me how to make copies of sheets. Back-to-back sheets, separate sheets,etc. I've never used one before so I'd be useless at it. Like I am with everything else technical at home, the computer, washing machine, toaster. Except we wouldn't live under the same roof, because I'm not your daughter.7

Would you get impatient with me because I was finding it hard to take in all the information on which buttons to press? Or would you feel your mobile phone in your pocket, and remind yourself how after having it for three years you still only just know how to make a call?8

At lunchtime, you'd take me down to the cafeteria, and show me all the different types of food I can buy with my swipe card. The already packed sandwiches, the various bags of crisps, the hot pies, and - my favourite - the steamed puddings. Except you wouldn't know they were my favourite. Because I've never met you before, and I'm not your daughter.9

Would you roll your eyes as you see how much food I cram onto my tray? Or would you look down at me and remember when you were sixteen and ate like  a horse, yet never put on weight?10

Back at the office at 1, just before you leave to go home, you'd set me a task to do. Perhaps wrapping up the special college mugs to be sent all over the world. But doing the same task over and over again makes my mind go numb so I always make mistakes, and then don't know how to put them right. Like I did when I was unpacking plates when we moved house. Although i never moved house, because I'm not your daughter.11

Would you get angry at me for not asking for help, and admitting that I screwed up? Or would your memories from secondary school, of constantly doing the wrong thing and being bullied about it by your teacher, hang over your head too much?12

And, finally, after two weeks of me working a 9-5 job with you, I'd have to leave. You'd buy a card, and run it round the office for everyone to sign. "Good luck in the future", "thanks for all your help", that sort of thing. But no personal, heartfelt message from you, because I'm nothing to do with you. I'm not your daughter now.13

And as I walk out the door, would you instantly erase me from your mind, and begin to worry about the next work experience student arriving next week?14

Or would you take a moment to watch me leave through the huge iron gates, and think "She was just like me when I was that age. If I'd had a daughter, I think she'd have been exactly like her"?15

Your daughter16