Dear R. J.

R.J., 1

Wow its hard to believe that here in a few months it will be a year since i have saw you last, I miss it there, and i miss your sis and mom and kids and everyone so much, i wish i could have been strong enuff to stay but it hurt to much and i knew there was no way i could have moved on in my life being there! At one point and time after you told me you loved becky when i was still in college... i told you that i could not let go.. and i asked you how to let go.. you told me not to let go just to hold on in a different way i never thought i would be able to do that! When i left oklahoma and that last time i talked to you on the phone, i swore to myself that i would always love you, but i was never in my life going to tell you i loved you again, and if you noticed everytime we talked on the computer since then i never have, because telling you i loved you, meant to me that i was stupid and foolish and that i would never be able to get over you, sitting there at your moms after i got off the phone with you i left a part of self there part of my heart, i left the rj and natasha, there in oklahoma, and when i left and i came home i was ok, as time went on i thought of you less and less and less, i made myself up a game of pretend in my mind.. someone would say your name and i would be like shut up hes dead to me, because that was the only way i could deal with it, pretending you were not apart of my life at all, but like all games it came to an end, i had the roll of pics here that i took when i was up there and i wanted the pics of the kids so i went and got them developed and as soon as i saw them, i knew i could not play my game of pretend anymore! It was more then i could take so i broke down and lost it, and cried for a few days, but after stacy talked to me i was better and i got over it, and realized that you were you and i was me, and we spent years together and we loved each other but now it was time for me to move on, So well new years came and i was tellin my mom it was my rj free year and i was gonna move on and just take life one day at a time, but then 2 days later is when you got on the computer and started talkin to me again after 5 months, so i just played it cool and realized that i needed to just get over myself and be that friend that you wanted me to be, and i even started talking to becky even tho it made me cry everytime she talked about you, or when i saw her away message say i love rj, that killed me but it was also my wake up call i think!2

I guess the reason i am writing all of this to you is because i wanted to say that I LOVE YOU rj and i always will and after all this time i feel safe again to say i love you, I want to thank you for everything you have given me in my life, and every tear that we have shared all the good times and the bad times, But most of all i want to thank you for letting me know what it was like to love and be loved back, thank you for teaching me how to love, After all these years of wondering why things with us have turned out the way they have i know why, our life together was just preparing me for my future the one i had no clue about but now that im as strong as i am i can face all of it, I am happy to say i have moved on and i now know what it truthfully means to hold on in a different way, and to love again, I'm in love with someone who i belive is the man who i am going to marry, He loves me just as much as i love him, and after spending so long only loving one person thats hard to deal with, but i just take life one day at a time, and there are times when i still think about you, and miss you and somewhere inside me wish that it would have been different with us, but then i look at him, and i realize that this is who i am meant to be with, this where i am to be in my life, hes the man im gona marry and i am gonna have his kids, and i know that i would never leave him for anyone no matter what!3

So well now i understand why you have done the things you did, and why you love becky, and why you could not leave her, and why me and you were no longer to be together, everything happens for a reason, no one knows why but i guess if we wait then it will all make sense, i love you rj and i again just want to thank you for everything and wish you the best luck with your life, i just hope becky realizes what she has and knows how lucky she is, im no longer gonna be hateful or jealous, im just gonna be happy, Happy knowing im in love, happy knowing that i can hold on to us in a different way, and that way is holding us, you, and every tear laugh, smile, sound and memory in my heart!4

I love you and i will for all eternity,5

NATASHA6