The man spun round with his gun to meet me. He pulled the trigger and I felt it pierce into my chest... Owch!!!!!!!1
-Underground, Tunnel B45-2
The fairy walked, tall and straight into Tunnel B45. Her hair was bright green and she wore the green uniform of an Ace Scout. 3
"Captain," she called out in her singsong voice. A male fairy turned. His hair was jet black and spiky, and he wore a torn jet black uniform. He looked like the ragtag fairy that should be in prison, but he was dead serious and a commander. He turned and faced the green fairy.4
"That's Commander Laether to you, Ace Tanomazu," the commander scowled.5
"Commander Laether, there's an emergency. Stag 336, Canai, went down and was taken to a school where the girl, Yurika, is now. We've been able to get there because of Yurika's soul's cooperation... Anyway, may I gather a squad to see what killed Canai?" Tanomazu said. 6
"You are allowed. I will lead the squad because Canai is one of the Lead Squad Leaders and he is needed..." Laether sighed and stood up to full attention. 7
"We need to get there now. Yurika has been hit- repeat, Yurika has been hit!"
In a list
Comments
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Excellent, keep going.
Smooth flow, now I gotta go read #3 to see what's next...grr
#7 "You are allowed. (maybe a bit more militaristic like, "Permission granted Ace Tanomazu and I will...
#7 of the Lead Squad Leaders and he is needed (doesn't roll off the mind right. Maybe 'one of the head Squad leaders?' Or, 'one of the TOP Squad Leaders'?)
Just a point of confusion, who is saying the last line? It sounds like a radio call or something...Mayday, I say again, Mayday, hit and going down.)
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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