Tanks rolling past me. Sweating heavily as I get even more nervous by the second. I look up all around me and all I see are the tracks from the tanks, there just like dinosaur tracks ready to hunt me down and then kill me. I’m the predator and all of the solders are trying to get me, but I wont let them. I’m strong and have been victorious many times before and even though luck might not be on my side, the powers of my instincts are. I hear something that shocks me. I almost freeze on the spot, but I manage to unfreeze myself quick enough so that I can find a hiding place. I scramble around the foliaged area trying to find the perfect hiding place. But it’s no good, there’s nowhere. I quickly jump into a small building and then realise that it hasn’t got a roof. I nearly faint, im running too fast and I haven’t drank in a few hours. Using my last resources I manage to prop myself up behind a 6 foot thick bolder. I tense every muscle in my body as the sound gets nearer. The enemy are approaching …1
Closer and closer and closer. I thought the helicopter went past, so with a sudden sigh of relief I jump up from my bolder and stretch. But then I look at the sun setting slowly signalling the end of another day. But what’s that black object in the sky? I couldn’t quite make out what it was as the evening sun was glaring into my eyes. Then I felt like I’d been shot, I realised what this anonymous floating object was. It was the helicopter and it was hovering over ME. This time I did freeze, the tanks were coming nearer; I could hear them. Soldiers running in trying to bag there kill. The first soldier that came into glance had a heavily armed machine gun, pointing straight at my head. I tried to run, but darkness pulled me back.2
A contest entry
- Emotion by Lady Pixie.
225 points, ended November 22, 41 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
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Comments
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This would be a very good write for someone your (and my) age, I reckon. You've managed to capture inner feeling and emotion well; I can totally understand the person that's in the situation.
A bit of punctuation and spelling would take your story much further! It's important to check over your writing.
For example:
Suspence --> Suspense
solders --> soldiers
Also, your usage of tense is somewhat confusing. Make sure you're consistent with what tense you're using, ie. if you're writing in present tense, keep writing in present; if you're writing in the past tense, keep writing in past. That way, you won't confuse the reader and yourself.
Good luck in the contest you've entered!
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Line 4: solders should be soldiers (I think. Now I'm not so sure lol.) Lol yea soldiers.
Line 10: Realise should be with a z. If you're american that is lol.
Line 10: im should be I'm.
Line 12: make 6 six xD
Line 12: bolder I think it should be boulder.
Line 13: Either have it say The enemy IS approaching or The ENEMIES are approaching.
Line 15: bolder should be boulder
Sorry for the edit xD
Otherwise I felt the chaos and pain he was feeling. It's almost like the feeling as if you're drowning and can't reach the surface. You know it's there but you can't reach it. Good way to write it. I think, not sure, that there was a mixture with some tenses there. But otherwise it was awesome.
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wow
this must wow thats wow. thats really what i can say. is wow
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