Dreams

part one1

I thought staying at Winter's would be good for me. And it was.. for the most part. She was like the sister I never had and I wished that things could have stayed that way. Things happen that you cannot possibly foresee. 2

I'd been having terrible nightmares about my husband's death. Terrible and frequent ones that kept me up all night. In fact, I had been surprised I slept at all. I had no more desire to live and why should I? The ultimate love of my life had just died in a terrible accident. And besides, he and Winter had been the only things standing between me and my razors. Daimen had kept me sane when I had so longed to detach myself from the world. 3

I was taking classes at the local college to take my mind off of things. Or that's what Winter said it would do for me. I didn't want my mind taken off of things. I wanted to remember my husband. I wanted to remember what it felt like for him to take me in his arms and soothe away my fears. I wanted to remember what it felt like to feel his soft skin under my fingers. I wanted to remember his touch when I felt so alone. 4

Nathan was in my English Literature class. Even after a week and a half of class, I could tell he was interested in me. Why? I don't deserve anyone's interest. I let Daimen be taken from me... right under my nose. What right did he have to intrude on my pain? Truth is, I had met Nate in high school and we had come so close to dating that it was scary. I had never had a boyfriend then and now? Now, I'm not sure I?m ready to live, much less date again. Especially Nate. 5

Nate had been my first love, my first kiss. It tortured me that he was back in my life. So soon. I wrapped the heavy winter's cloak that Daimen had given me for our 2nd Christmas together around my shoulders as tears ran down my pale, wind-bitten cheeks. In the Florida autumn, it wasn't cold, but I was freezing. Nothing would suffice for his strong arms wrapped around me ...his love. Without his love, I had quickly become nothing. 6

part two7

"Daimen?" I had heard sounds around me for several days now. It had been driving me crazy. I kept the cloak wrapped around me constantly to remind myself that I had once had someone to care about me, to protect me. Someone knocked on the trailer door. Do I answer it? Opening that door would expose my heart to light... an essence that I denied ever existed in my life. Grudgingly, I went over to the door. I shouldn't have answered it. It was Winter's mom's landlady. "Yes?" I snapped, unwilling to stay in light. 8

"Is Leanne here?"9

"No, she's not."10

"Could you let her know that I stopped by for her rent payment."11

"If I see her, I?ll tell her you stopped by.?"12

"Thanks."13

I snapped the door back in her face. I opened the door for that bullshit? What kind of crazy am I? I couldn't help but remember the gift that Nathan had just given me. He left it on my desk before class, but never showed up. What was wrong with him? Didn't he know how much I was hurting? There was a note inside the box. I looked around me. Loneliness had me wrapped in its cloak. It wasn't a prison to me anymore. I welcomed the isolation. I had nothing to do with this life anymore. This wasn't my life to live anymore. My life had been lived. 14

The note was short, but sweet. "Let me know, Gwen, if there is ANYTHING that I can help you with. Call me whenever you have need. Nate." This can't be happening. He couldn't be there for me when I had needed him before. Inside the package was a movie... "Miss Congeniality 2" and a note stuck to the box. "Thought you could use a laugh. Love, Nate."15

I shuddered in remembrance. I had been nearly 4 months pregnant with Daimen's child. Now, after the miscarriage, I had nothing left of him. Nothing. Not his love, not my own life, not even the child that he had nearly brought into this world. I should have taken better care of myself. I had been drowning in despair after the news of his death. I had locked myself in my room by myself; I didn't eat, didn't sleep. All I16

could do was cry. I had dug my razors out of their hiding place and cut horribly deep into my skin. I had tried so hard to make the pain go away. But nothing worked. He was gone and there was nothing that I could do about it. I had destroyed my only chance of having something left of his love for me. I lost so much blood before Mikael had kicked the door down trying to get to me. I had done so much to my system that it couldn't cope with carrying a child. And as much blood as I lost between the cuts and the miscarriage, I nearly succeeded in killing myself. And even on my hopeful days, I wished I had.17

part three18

Winter took me back to the house that Daimen I had bought just the year before the accident. I had no personal desire to go back. Winter, however, thought different. She convinced me that it would help me sort through emotions that I had left of him. "You know what, Winter? Mikael is still alive, so don't tell me what you think about sorting through emotions I have left of Daimen." I hurt her terribly that day, but at the time, I hadn't cared. 19

She knew what it was like to have a miscarriage, to have a hopeful future ripped from your body like God was preparing a turkey. I felt like a project. I felt like nobody cared that I lost the only thing that was keeping me alive through life. I felt like a project that everyone was trying to fix. I didn't want to be fixed. I wanted to be told that he would come back. That everything that I had just lived through was a dream and that I was crazy to think that Daimen would ever leave this life without me. That it was a lie. That it was all just an elaborate hoax to scare me. That I was still pregnant. That I had a chance for a future without pain and heartache. I knew it wouldn't happen, but it didn't stop me from wishing for it with all my heart. 20

Nathan kissed me two days ago. Made me feel more like a project again than a girl he was interested in. I called him. Like an idiot. We watched that movie together. As much as I laughed, I cried ten times more two hours after he left. Damn Bipolar Disorder. He told me that he was sorry that I had lost Daimen. That he was sorry that I had the miscarriage. Is he being for real? Or is he just trying to rub salt into my wounds? 21

He told me that he never should have pushed me away and he didn't realize how much it hurt someone to be pushed away with no warning until someone did it to him. Go figure. Guys. For crying out loud. He told me that he still cared for me. Deeply. Seriously? He inched closer. I could almost taste his breath mingling with mine. His lips touched mine. Softly. Carefully. Like he was trying to hold back but he couldn't. Panic. Sheer panic. What about Daimen? God, I'm cheating on my husband. "Nate," I snapped. My sanity snapped. "I can't. God, Nate, you KNOW I can't!" I breathed. 22

"God, Gwen. I'm sorry." I clutched a hand to my chest, my breath coming in painful spasms, my chest hurting badly in panic. "Gwen are you okay?" I shook my head. No. Hell no, I'm not okay. You just kissed me and you KNOW I have a conscience. "Breathe, Gwen. Please!" I can't, Nate, I thought. I can't...  23

That was the last I remembered. Maybe my heart gave out on me. Maybe grief had finally taken me from my pain. I had heard of people dying from heartache. I hope that I got to rejoin my faith, my soul. Without him, I had no control. I just hope that the people that had cared for me didn't come down with me. That was my only concern. Until dreams haunt my soul again, I pray this will be the end. 24

Guinevere.25