Rush: Chapter 21

It was probably past midnight when Lance asked, "Where are we going to sleep?"1

"I don't know. Any ideas?"2

"Another hotel?" Lance said hopefully.3

"Maybe tomorrow," I replied. Lance looked a little let down, so I explained, "There's only a few hours of tonight left, and I'd rather not pay for an unnecessary night."4

"Why don't we just head back to the garage we stayed in the first night?"5

I wasn't exactly looking forward to that, but it would have to do.6

Our walk was spent in relative silence. Not that we didn't want to talk, there just wasn't much to talk about right now. We were both pretty tired, and any plans for progress would have to wait till tomorrow.7

I wasn't sure how well I would be able to sleep, though. I was still pretty excited about getting Lance back. I was sure I'd fall asleep at some point, but at the moment I was wired.8

Eventually, we made it to the garage. Like earlier, we gathered up tinder and made a cozy fire. I sat on my blanket in my black tank-top while Lance sat on the ground. We didn't do much besides sit in warm silence.9

I almost didn't want to break the silence, but a question was stuck in my head. I decided to ask it. "So Lance, if you were on my side the whole time, then why did you leave the room and stand outside?"10

"Well, I just had a lot on my mind, and I needed some air."11

"What were you thinking about?"12

"Past stuff."13

"Guinevere?" I asked.14

"What? No," he said, shaking his head. He wasn't lying.15

"Then what?"16

"I was thinking... about you."17

I was pretty sure I knew what he meant. "Lance, if you want to leave, I won't stop you, or blame you. You have no reason to risk your life for me anymore."18

"What are you talking about? I wasn't thinking about that!"19

"Then what?" I asked again.20

"It's not important," he replied.21

I was a little hesitant to keep pushing. He obviously didn't want to tell me, but I had a feeling he would if I kept going. I was just a little afraid of what he would say.22

"I still want to know," I said.23

Lance looked over with a serious expression and asked, "Do you really want to know what I was thinking about?"24

I paused, but answered, "Yes."25

Lance leaned closer, as if he was going to whisper, so I leaned in, too. Then, he reached up and placed his hand gently on my face.26

I panicked. He was going to kiss me. So many thoughts ran through my head at that moment. "What should I do?" "Do I kiss him back?" "Do I like him like that?" "Does he really like me?"27

All these thoughts and many, many more raced through my mind as his face moved closer to mine. But I find that the times where your mind is the most muddled are the times that instinct and true feelings come forward more than ever.28

I turned away.29

I placed my hand on his lips and said, without looking at him, "No, Lance."30

He looked confused. "Why not?"31

"I just... can't."32

"What's wrong? You don't like me like that, do you?" he said, disappointed.33

"It's not that," I answered. "I just... haven't thought about it really."34

"How could you not have thought about it?"35

"How could you? Between being hunted by kidnappers and surviving on the street, where did you find the time to even think?"36

"It's all I've been thinking about. I... I think I love you."37

"What!?" That took my breath away. "No, Lance. Now is not the time."38

"Then when? A lot of what we've been doing is just sitting around waiting for something to happen so we can make some progress. What do you think about then?"39

"My father!"40

"You can't be so focused on the mission, Scarlett. You have to take comfort in the little things. Stop to smell the roses. Fall in love." He placed a hand on my shoulder.41

I shrugged it off and said, "Lance, my father is the world to me. And I can't let anything get in the way of that. Not the NLA, not fear of death, and not love. If I lose focus for one second, it could cost me my life, your life, or my dad's life. And I really, really appreciate what you've done for me. You've become my best friend and risked your life for me, but I just can't afford to invest myself in someone who might be dead tomorrow."42

"What about your father? He could be dead tomorrow."43

"Don't say that. Don't even think it. I've been invested in my father ever since I was born. He's all I have." Tears were starting to well up in my eyes.44

"Look, Scarlett. I'm not asking you to choose between your father and me. I'm just saying when this is all over, I still want to be at your side."45

"I just... I can't do this Lance. I just can't."46

"Fine," he said.47

He laid down on his back like he was going to sleep. I rolled away from him, curled up in a ball. I was distressed, but I still managed to ask, "Lance?"48

"Yeah?" It was barely a question.49

"You're still going to help me, right?"50

"Yes. When I said I loved you, I meant it, and I know you feel the same. You may not be able to see it now, but once things have settled down, you'll see. I'll wait."51

"Thanks," I said.52

It was only a small comfort, though. Secretly, I didn't want Lance to feel that way about me, like I didn't want to feel that way about him. If he invested himself too much in me, it could be devastating if something happened.53

I really didn't want to hurt Lance, but I figured the sting of rejection was better than the overwhelming pain of loss.