Turning the Wheel

Lanni sniffed a mystery in the peculiar way the day was going. First, this Digby fellow had showed up; John greeted him like a lost brother. Whatever the reason for his coming, it had nothing to do with the printing business; that much was certain. It reminded Lanni of the first time Terrible Ted had shambled into the Bear's print shop, almost two years ago. He was still there. And, while it wasn’t the first time that they had taken a long lunch, there was neither a celebration, nor a mood of intimacy. These days, there was nothing to cheer them in the meagre orders scheduled at the shop, and besides, they’d brought along Digby and Terrible.1

There would be no going back that afternoon, either. John had bolted the door, armed the alarm, and turned around the cardboard clock-face in the window that said, “EXPERT-Will return at 9:00 am-OFFSET PRINTING.” To close the shop early with business so slow, it must be a matter of life or death, the way Lanni figured. The plan, or what she knew of it, was to drop her at home before the kids got out of school. Where the others were going, no one would say.2

She turned on the barstool, taking a deep breath of the Sunrise Tavern. Daylight was making a feeble attempt to illuminate the room, sifting through the neon “Harp” and “Budweiser” signs that occupied two small windows near the entrance. She let her gaze fall across the scuffed wooden floor with its sparse layer of sawdust, the faded red vinyl cushions on the booths. A place like this never looked as good at noon as it did at night.3

A party of saleswomen in their chattering high heels paraded out the door, trailing a cloud of “Charlie.” The last of the lunch crowd flipped their wallets closed, straightened their ties and stepped out into the afternoon, rumbling about the business slump as they went or ragging on President Carter. Lanni bit her lip and allowed her eyes to adjust to the dim interior, looking from the rotating Clydesdale lamp in the far corner to the empty pool table. With one eye closed, she traced a “six-cushion nothing” on the smooth, green felt. John, "the Bear" as she knew him, had taught her that shot, as well as how to put "english" on the ball. She loved the game of pool. Even more, she loved the Bear. His affection was like a dark fur blanket around her, and a certain fire lurked behind the humorous twinkle in his brown eyes, hinting at power.4

Mac had cleared their dishes. The smell of fries and grouper sandwiches had yeilded to the underlying essence of stale beer and peanuts, and Lanni’s beer had gone flat. She continued to hold it, sometimes taking an indifferent sip. The afternoon lull had set in, and all she could hear was Terrible Ted sucking his suds and an occasional clink, clink, as Mac washed glasses, down past the beer taps. They’d been lunching so long, she was stuck to her seat.5

“One more and we’ll all leave together,” said the Bear, pushing his glass across the bar. Lanni continued to nurse her draft, but the others drank quickly and set down their empties.6

“So, when’ll you be home?” Lanni brushed a stray hair from her forehead and smiled.7

“Don’t know yet--not late.” John made an “o” with his thumb and index finger and flicked a peanut over the bar.8

“Can we look at houses later?” She rested her beer hand on the bar and arched her back.9

“Not today, Babe.” he allowed a brief smile to ripple his lower face. “But, if things work out, we’ll do it soon.”10

“What things?” They’d been broke all summer, or surely they would have moved already. She shuddered, reliving the cold panic that took hold of her each time she walked up the driveway to their rental house in the county.11

“I’ll tell you later.” The Bear continued to look across the bar, and didn’t even wink.12

Lanni slumped a little more on the stool. “Can we look, at least, on the weekend?"13

“Could be.”14

“Keep supper warm?” She swished the last inch of beer in her glass to make the bubbles come up around the edges.15

“No--I’ll just grab something out.” He signaled for the tab as Mac arrived with the refills.16

Lanni gave the bartender a brief, familial smile as he set down the foaming glasses. His face seemed to droop closer to the bar with each passing year. John was her Bear, her Old Man, but she had known Mac longer. The Sunrise Tavern had changed hands more than once in the years since Lanni had first hung out there, but its slow-moving bartender was passed along in the exchange like the jukebox and the picnic tables on the patio. She would not care to get old in this place, despite the fun she'd had on a lazy afternoon or a rowdy evening, over the past several years. For the first time, she wondered if she and John would get old together.17

“Here’s one for the road,” said the Bear, beginning a round of his favorite game. “Suppose you’re driving somewhere way out in the country…”18

“What country would that be?” Digby stretched on the barstool, extending a long arm behind Lanni’s head. It seemed like a rhetorical question, just to show he was listening, but the Bear responded. Digby had just arrived in Florida, having spent several years Down Under, and had the advantage of not knowing the rules.19

“It doesn’t matter what country--long as you’re way out in it.” The Bear eyed the tab, unrolled some bills and dropped them on the bar. Lanni saw him check through the roll before replacing it in his pocket.20

“Well, it does.” Digby flopped his head from side to side. “Be-cause you might be driving on the wrong side of the road.”21

“Haw haw!” said Terrible, as he rose slowly from the barstool.22

Outside, the sun and clouds played poker with the day as their stake. In Florida, no bet on the weather could be classified as “a sure thing.” It had been the kind of mild, dreamy fall season that brought crowds of tourists to the local beaches, but deepening clouds evinced a chill. Lanni hurried to the old black DeVille convertible and planted herself on the front seat. She always rode shotgun when the Bear was driving, but Digby did not seem to recognize protocol. He might just jump in front, and she did not want to be stuck in the back with Terrible Ted.23

Lanni gave her nose an involuntary swipe, recalling her first meeting with "TT" and his bag of smoked fish. That had been in the fall--not last fall, when she and John had celebrated their first anniversary together, but the one before it. She rested her elbow on the door cushion and cradled her brow in her hand, wondering what new turns the day would bring. Digby leaned forward from the back seat to catch his reflection in the rear view mirror of the old Caddy.24

"I could use a shave." He thumbed his chin.25

"You on the road long?" The Bear cranked the engine twice and nursed it up to a steady growl. They eased out onto the road.26

"You said it. Quantas to the West Coast and three long truck rides across country. I've got cramps in muscles I didn't know I had. I need to bust some butt." As Digby withdrew his head and shoulders into the back, relinquishing the space between the Bear and herself, his right hand continued to bop around on the back of her seat before coming to rest an inch or so from her ear.27

"You're going to bust butts? Why?" Lanni addressed the Bear, who frowned slightly in response.28

"No Babe. We're…"29

"Just a joke, Darlin'--can't you take a joke?" Digby bounced up, rested his chin on his hand and turned to face Lanni.30

"She thinks we're too rough." Terrible's low drawl emerged from the other side of the seat.31

"Some like it rough. But when is rough enough, too rough?"32

"What are you talking about?" There was an insinuation in Digby's antics; but surely, the Bear would not have told this newcomer about her private misfortune. Lanni refused to name it, even in her mind.33

"Just, if there's anyone you want busted up, then I'm your man." Digby grinned through his stubble and sent a muscle scampering down his arm with a casual flex of the shoulder.34

The Bear said nothing, looked straight ahead and kept the car at highway speed, but Lanni knew he never missed a word in the course of conversation. She thought she saw his ear twitch once, as if he was waiting for another shoe to fall.35

"Oh, give me a break!" Lanni straightened out in the seat and let her gaze wander down the road. The leaves were starting to turn, as much as they would in Florida. The change did not compare with the brilliant hues of northern autumns, but gold now ribboned the green landscape, and the jacarandas were in their second bloom, casting stray clouds of lavender above the horizon.36

“So.” As he spoke, the Bear gave Lanni a look that was sympa-thetic but distant, like a phone call from another state. “You’re out driving somewhere, whatever country you want," he added, raising his voice to make sure Digby was clear on the point, and continued, "...you see that the bridge is out, dead in front of you. You start to turn left and there’s a big oak tree in your path. You look to the right, and there’s a deer looking back at you. What do you do?”37

“Straight on, that’s no go?” Digby responded, staying in the back seat this time.38

“Over the cliff. Bap. Gone.” The Bear slapped the steering wheel to indicate the momentous consequences of that choice.39

“And if you go toward the tree?” It was Digby, again.40

“Well, you don’t stand much chance there, either.”41

The trouble with the "what if" game was that nothing really hap-pened that way. Lanni was pretty sure she’d never wind up on an iceberg in the North Atlantic, deciding whether or not to eat a close friend. And besides, what did happen was never the way she’d pictured it. She was braver in theory than in practice; she knew that too well now.42

Terrible finally roused himself to an opinion. “I’d go for the deer and take it home to eat.”43

Lanni looked over the seat at him. The ensemble of muscles and attitude that met her scrutiny seemed exempt from ethical complexi-ties. If innocence had a dark side, that was Terrible Ted. Sometimes she wondered what went on behind those nervous eyes.44

Lanni sighed and glanced at the Bear as he looped the cloverleaf off the highway. There never used to be any space between them on the front seat, but even the tight turn no longer brought them together. Her only hope was that they would eventually forget last spring, move to a new house, and recover the joy of their first year together.45

It wasn’t fair. Fixing up that house had been one of the best times of her life, and now she couldn’t wait to leave it. Together, they had patched and painted. John had built bunk beds for the boys and pine tables to go around the new leather couch in the living room; she'd sewed curtains from brand new sheets, and covered the throw pil-lows with a matching fabric.46

On weekdays, they had come home from the shop together. Lanni fixed supper while John played catch with the boys. Weekends were for fishing and camping. Sometimes Lanni suspected that she had walked behind the TV screen into someone else’s sitcom. As for Terrible, he had moved into the shop, converting a shelf in the pressroom to a bunk, and continued to help out with the errands in the daytime.47

“Are you going to marry John?” Robby had asked her one night, as she bent to kiss him good night.48

“Maybe--I don’t know.”49

“I’m too big for that stuff, Mom.” Robby wrinkled his nose as her lips brushed his forehead.50

She tousled his hair. “Okay, guy. Sleep tight.”51

“Robby wants to know if I’m going to marry you,” she told the Bear later, as they sat eating popcorn, their bodies draped in a cas-ual embrace.52

“Want to?” He tossed a kernel in the air, but it bounced off his nose and slipped past his waiting tongue.53

“Sure." She gathered a handful and began munching.54

“I don't have to get on one knee do I?"55

“You know I'm not one to stand on ceremony.” Then she had picked out the fluffiest kernel in the bowl and balanced it on her fingertip an inch from the Bear’s nose. “Married or not," she said, "I just can’t imagine us not being together.”56

His lips surrounded the bite before it could drop on his lap. “Well, I’m happy if you’re happy.”57

"Oh yeah! Totally," she'd said. Today, she wondered if she'd ever be that happy again.58

The Bear rolled up to the light at US 19. The sun rode high above the Chevrolet dealership to the west, and their house was just a couple of miles ahead.59

“Look, there’s a deer.” Digby mashed his finger against the win-dow.60

“There’s no deers this close to town…oh, you mean the game,” of-fered Terrible.61

“And there’s the tree, on the left.” Digby laughed as he pointed the other way, bumping several limbs on the door and ceiling of the car as he shifted around. He did not seem to fit within the geometry of the back seat.62

“Then the cliff would be straight ahead.” the Bear spoke softly, almost to himself.63

“Which way would you turn?” Digby spoke to no one in particular, but Lanni felt the hair rise on the back of her neck. The light changed and the car pulled forward through the intersection.64

“What if it was a person?” Terrible sat up and stretched.65

“If what was a person?” asked Lanni.66

“What if it was a person you’d hit, not a deer?”67

“I’d have to take my chances with the tree,” said the Bear.68

Digby jumped back in. “What if it was a bad person—a murderer or child abuser or…”69

“You wouldn’t know.” Lanni quickly bracketed that thought.70

“Exactly,” Digby concluded. You wouldn’t know, but you would know what sort of person you were.”71

Lanni was not so sure she knew that any more. The last six months had unravelled all certainty in her mind. It didn't help that there was so little work at the shop to keep her busy. The two part-time girls had gone off to other jobs and even T.T. grumbled that he was not making enough to keep him in dime bags. There was no more beer in the fridge. The Bear’s brow had developed a major frown gully, and they hadn't danced around the composition room for months.72

“Just hold on,” the Bear had told her, when the new year had failed to bring the usual portion of business. “If they lift the building moratorium, we can still turn it around.”73

“What if they don’t?”74

The Bear had clasped both of her hands. “We’ll still be to-gether, even without the shop.”75

“The shop just can't fail.”76

“I hope not, but if it does, we’ll do something else.” He had gathered her into the soft part of his shoulder. “I want you with me always.”77

“You’ve got me, Bear.” She’d slipped her arm around his waist and it had stayed there, like a plug in a socket.78

It was a stupid argument that had started all the trouble. One slow day at the shop they had closed up and gone to the pub on the corner. When the Bear was unusually quiet, Lanni figured he was wor-ried about the cash flow, which had become more of a trickle. They drank their first glasses in silence, a country tune on the jukebox.79

The Bear ordered another round and waited until the barmaid dis-appeared into the kitchen before speaking. “I’ve got a little problem I have to tell you about, Babe.”80

“If you need to hold my paycheck this week, I’ll understand.”81

“No, it’s nothing like that. You know my coin collection?”82

“In the mahogany box in the closet?”83

“Yup. That’s it. Well, I had it out last night and some valu-able coins are missing. I’ve had those coins since high school, and I don’t check them out too often, but I know what’s in there pretty well, and I don’t want to accuse your kids, but …”84

The words froze in Lanni’s brain. The Bear had never said, “your kids” before. He’d been their champion, defending even their misbe-havior with a dismissive “just boys.” He had believed in them, she thought. Her heart plummeted down through the barstool and deep into the earth.85

She felt betrayed, and it was a double betrayal, because some-where below the surface, she had a suspicion that the boys might be guilty as charged. This suggestion glimmered for a moment, like fool's gold, but it was the hurt pride and resentment that spilled out of her mouth.86

“You don’t care about them, after all.” Her voice came out water-ier than she’d expected, and she scowled with more anger than she felt, to keep back the tears.87

The Bear sat back, scratched his forehead and emptied his glass. “Babe, I’m not trying to make a federal case, but who else could have done it? The boys are alone in the house after school, for an hour or so.”88

“I don’t know what happened to your stupid coins. Maybe you put them somewhere else—or maybe your ex took them before we moved in to-gether.”89

“My ex might be a bitch, but she’d never take my coins.”90

“You see?” Lanni spiraled on her barstool and buried her head be-tween her shoulders. “You trust your ex more than the boys.”91

Several more beers had ensued, but the situation had grown more dismal. On the way home, tears had striped Lanni’s face and swollen her nose. When they pulled into the driveway, neither of them jumped out. Lanni glanced at the Bear, who frowned into the dashboard. She gulped a couple of times to make sure she wouldn’t choke. “I thought that we belonged together. But as soon as something is missing, you blame the boys. I can't live with that.”92

“You mean you don’t want to live with me?” the Bear’s jaw tensed as he spoke, and there was an edge to his voice that Lanni had not heard before.93

“I don’t know. If you’re going to blame them for everything that goes wrong….” Lanni mumbled and looked out the window, where gusty spring breezes were snatching up dust and stray papers in the alley.94

“I would have thought you knew me better than that by now.” The Bear took one hand off the steering wheel, extending it palm up, in her direction.95

She ignored the gesture. “I would have thought so too, John. Maybe we’re still just strangers, after all.”96

“Well, I’m not staying where I’m not wanted.”97

Lanni felt her own anger and hurt reiterated in his voice. In the long silence that followed, she wondered how things had descended so far, so fast. Her reaction had come straight from the gut, sur-prising herself as much as John. She could not look at him, but in her mind she saw him baiting Ricky’s fishing pole and showing him how to cast it, with just the right amount of snap. If he wouldn't trust her sons, then no one would, ever.98

“Guess I’ll go down to the shop.” The Bear cast a sideways glance at Lanni, as if expecting a reprieve. Something in her wouldn’t give it. She got out of the car and stood in the driveway as he went inside and came back out with a pillow and blanket.99

“Good night, then.” He slammed the car door.100

She raised her hand to wave as the car backed out of the drive-way. She knew it was not really his fault. Rusty, her ex, had blamed Robbie for everything, screamed at him when he spilled food or spit up. It had made her defensive, but she knew her anger now was mis-placed. Tomorrow they would talk, she thought. Other people fought and got back together; surely they could, too--no bridges had been burned.101

And it might have happened that way, if she had just walked on into the house. She saw the kitchen light shining through the glass panels in the back door. The boys were home, and would be wondering what was for supper. Lanni swayed slightly. The beer and the sudden storm of emotion had left her light-headed, and she did not want the boys to see her face swollen from crying. She reached into her bag for a cigarette, and pulled out an empty pack. Damn. Well, the con-venience store was just a couple of blocks away. The fresh air would do her good, and she’d use the time to figure what to say to the boys about the coins.102

Coming out of the 7-11, she heard her name called. It was the biker from the apartment building next door. He’d offered her a ride to the grocery store once. Something had made her uncomfortable then--there was something too solicitous in his tone. Now he was asking, “Want a ride home?”103

“No, it’s not far.”104

“C’mon, you look tired. Had a hard day at work?”105

She was tired. Could it really show that much? 106

“We’re friends, right? You remember my name, don’t you, Lanni?”107

She felt a small shock when he said her name. She crossed her arms, thinking he looked a bit like Terrible, before he’d shaved. Well, not exactly--he had a scraggly beard and was several inches shorter than ‘T. She did not remember his name. All she could think of now was Hairy. Well, what did it matter? It was just a couple of-blocks to the house, and it really wouldn’t be out of his way; they practically shared a driveway.108

She hopped on the back of the bike and pulled up her feet while he kicked the starter. The bike took off, but didn’t turn at the cor-ner.109

“Hey, this isn’t the way home,” she shouted into the bristly hair, about where an ear might have been expected.110

“I want to show you something,” she heard over the whining motor. They turned off the pavement onto a dirt road and Lanni lost sight of all familiar landmarks. They sped past the palmetto scrub, in the deepening dusk.111

“I need to get home,” she shouted.112

“It’s just a little further,” came the reply, as the bike turned onto another path. They came to a halt by a large, dark-colored van. Lanni could see nothing beyond them but the darkening council of trees. The balmy spring air had departed with the sun. She shivered, hoping they’d get back before it turned any colder.113

“I’m customizing this van--isn’t it cherry? I’m pin striping it all over, wood paneling, the max.” Getting off the bike, her neighbor had stroked the van’s broad side with a rough hand, bruised across the knuckles.114

Standing a few inches from it, Lanni saw the van’s finish was a deep maroon. “Very nice.” She crossed her arms on her breast to hold in what heat was left.115

The neighbor picked out a key from the heavy chain on his hip and opened the side door. “Come on, take a look at this paneling. By the way, it’s Bob.” 116

“What is?” Lanni peered into the van’s interior. The musty smell of the enclosed space wafted out, along with some chemical aroma--enamel paint or thinner, maybe.117

“You see how you are? That’s my name. You forgot my name.” He offered a hand to help her into the van.118

“Oh, um, sorry, Bob, but I really need to get home.”119

“Just one more thing.” He pulled her into the van and sent the door thudding closed. Leaning against her with all his weight, he pushed her down on the floor.120

“No, let me go! I want to go home.”121

“I can’t do that. You led me on.”122

“I did not. I hardly know you.”123

“I’ve seen you next door--you get me hot."124

Lanni realized that this was worse than a bad joke. She tried to shift his weight off of her, but couldn’t. Her arms were free, and she struck his chin with paltry blows. He didn’t move. He brushed her right fist away as if swatting at an insect and pinned her other arm beneath him. Then he delivered hard blows to her head until she stopped struggling. Why had she ever gotten on the bike? What made her step into the van? How could she have been so stupid?125

She screamed, as loud as she could, until the leather-jacketed arm cut off her breath. Lanni had always thought she would rather die than be raped, but as her body begged for air, she knew it was not true. She might claim it was her responsibility to the boys, but be-yond that, past all thought of duty or shame, the bright, striving animal of her being wanted to live.126

“You gonna scream again?”127

As the pain in her starved lungs ripped through her chest, she shook her head no.128

“I was sorry to do that,” he said, the same candied depravity in his voice, “If you don’t scream I won’t do it again.”129

Lanni glared a moment, and the taste of blood and hatred filled her mouth. The smell of sweaty leather and the musty carpet scent of the van filled her lungs with her gulping inhalations. As the foul body closed around her, she closed her eyes and tried to hear and feel nothing more. 'Stupid, stupid, stupid,' she thought. 'Oh, God. How could I have been so stupid?'130

She barely remembered the ride home, the humiliation of having to get back on the bike. But his parting words continued to haunt her, even after her bruises had healed.131

He paused by the back stairway that led up to his apartment. “I know you won’t say nothing to the police, now, cause you wouldn’t want those kids to get hurt.”132

“I don’t care too much for the police, myself,” she said, hoping to imply that she had a better plan. Well, of course, the Bear would make pulp of this guy. In her mind, she saw those cruel hands plead-ing for mercy, and a wave of nausea swept over her. She staggered as she dug for her keys. Finding them at last, she slipped through the back door, locking and bolting it behind her.133

In the living room, the boys were watching a Bruce Lee movie; they shared the couch with a carton of orange juice and the remains of some bologna sandwiches.134

“Where were you, Mom?”135

Lanni’s head throbbed, and her eyes seemed a little out of focus. Her right eye felt swollen and she hoped it would not show up in the blue-gray flicker of the television screen. She turned her head away.136

“I’m sorry, guys. Did you get enough to eat?”137

“I made sandwiches,” said Robby.138

“We ate the chocolate chips.” Ricky rubbed at the side of his mouth with his sleeve. “We thought you were home, but then we couldn’t find you. Where’s John?”139

“Never mind, now. It is your bedtime. Wash up quick and I’ll come tuck you in.” She leaned against the wall, carefully composing her move to avoid staggering.140

“I’m a karate man.” Ricky did a sidekick and made a mean face. “I don’t have to go to bed.”141

Once the boys’ light was out, she’d called the shop. “Mr. Bear,” she begged, “please, please, come home.”142

“What’s with you, woman? First you bitch me out of the house and now you want me to come back--I think I’ll stay here tonight, now that I’m settled in.”143

“No, I’m sorry. All that was so stupid.” Lanni’s head throbbed. She rested it on the cool glass of the window beside their bed. “Help me, oh please, help me!”144

“What’s wrong? Is someone there?”145

“No, not now--I mean, that guy next door--he pushed me into his van, and he…” The reek of sweaty leather flooded her memory and stopped her voice.146

“You mean, he raped you? The little fucker raped you?”147

Lanni cringed. Lightening flashes accompanied the throbbing in her head and she closed her eyes.148

“Babe, are you there?”149

“Yes,” she sobbed. “He hurt my head.”150

“Are the doors and windows locked?”151

“Yes.”152

“Well, don’t go anywhere--I’m on my way.”153

Peering through the bedroom window as the Caddy pulled into the driveway, she’d watched as the Bear climbed the stairs next door two-at-a-time. The bike was gone from the yard, however, and although the Bear had kicked in the back door with a couple of blows, he’d found no one inside. With her eyes, Lanni followed him back down the stairs to their back door, gratefully falling into his arms.154

“Let’s see your head--you want to go to the emergency room?”155

“No--it hurts, but nothing’s broken, I don’t guess.”156

“You sure, Babe?”157

“If I do, I’ll have to tell what happened. They will make me go to the police.” Lanni shuddered and hung onto the Bear’s broad chest.158

“Well, maybe we should…”159

“No, please, Mr. Bear. He threatened the kids if I tell. And the cops will just give me shit about hippie chicks and free love.”160

“But he did rape you, didn’t he?” The Bear pulled back a little and cupped his hand around Lanni’s cheek.161

“Look at me, John.” Lanni turned to face the Bear. “I tried to fight him off--I tried so hard to get away. I screamed and he smoth-ered me. I can't risk his hurting the kids. I just can’t.”162

“I’ll protect them.” The Bear looked toward the door of the boys’ bedroom. 163

“Not really, you can’t. We can’t watch them every minute, and if we don’t work, we’ll lose the shop. I’ll be all right, really. In a day or two…”164

“Okay then, I guess. I’ll have to take care of it.”165

Then he’d packed Lanni’s head with ice and kept her warm until morning.166

It was nearly a week before Lanni had felt well enough to go back to work. John was busy with a big job that would pay the rent for the month, so they did not spend much time together. Still, Lanni sensed a new coolness in his manner, which did not change when she re-turned to the shop. They did not talk about that night, but the thought was always there, casting its shadow on their lives.167

Lanni had found a neighbor to sit with the boys after school. That put an additional strain upon their finances, but she could not take a chance on leaving them alone. She’d finally remembered to question them about the missing coins, and they had asserted their in-nocence. Then one day she’d found some coins and a couple of her first-edition comic books in a corner of the attic, in a satchel that Robbie had always used to store his treasures. The Bear had identi-fied the coins and silently returned them to his mahogany chest. Later, Lanni had pushed a red-faced Robbie up to the Bear’s favorite chair.168

“I’m sorry. I did it. I’m sorry.” Robbie twisted his hands in front of him.169

“Robby, you can’t fix everything with a ‘sorry,’ you know.” John wrinkled his lips and shook his head. “You steal from your friends, you lose your friends. You steal from anyone else, they lock you away.”170

“I wasn’t going to keep them. I just wanted to show the guys. I was going to put them back.”171

“Why didn’t you ask me?”172

“I was afraid you’d say no.”173

“Why didn’t you put them back?”174

“I don’t know. I was going to.”175

Lanni watched the Bear and the prodigal ten-year-old. Robbie was abashed. There was no trace of his usual sassy retorts.176

“So, what are you going to do to me?” Robbie wiped his face on his shoulder and took a step backward.177

If the Bear was upset by the situation, he didn’t show it. “That’s up to your mom. You hurt her feelings, you know."178

“Sorry, Ma.”179

Lanni had assigned Robbie to yard work and other chores for three Saturdays as penance. The Bear showed him how to run the lawnmower, which became such a popular task that Ricky was begging for a turn, as well. Lanni's relief at this resolution, unhappily, did not extend to other areas of her life. She barely knew how to act any more. She couldn’t put on a little halter-top without wondering who would be looking at her. She lacked the spirit to fling herself upon the Bear with her old abandon, and in his new mood, she didn’t even know if he would be receptive. One day, as they sat around the office, waiting for a customer to come in, John had asked her about the rapist. Had she known him before? Did she find him attractive?180

“Of course not.” As time went by, it wasn't any easier to talk about what had happened. “You don’t think I led him on, do you?”181

“I don’t know what to think sometimes.” The Bear had twisted his face away. You practically kicked me out, and the next thing I know--there he is.”182

“I only spoke to him once before. I didn’t want anything to do with him.”183

“But you got on the bike.”184

“I was tired. He said he’d take me home.”185

“The asshole must have been listening to us in the driveway.”186

“I never thought of that. I didn’t see anyone.”187

“He was out there--I saw the bastard.”188

Then a customer had walked in. For a long time, Lanni expected that John would, one day, tell her that he’d broken the neighbor into little pieces and sent him away. But nothing happened. Sometimes she saw the bike in the driveway, and knew that her attacker was still around. Weeks went by and then months. Her head had healed slowly and she had been able to forget the incident for hours, almost days at a time. But her relationship with John had not truly healed.189

“Where did you say you were going today?” Lanni stuck her finger though a small rip in the sleeve of the Bear’s favorite turquoise work shirt and tickled his arm.190

“Aaaa. Torture. I’ll confess. Quit.” The Bear shrugged his shoulders.191

“Going to see a fan about a vote.” Digby stuck his head over the front seat between Lanni and the Bear.192

The Bear elbowed Digby into the back seat, gently but firmly. “Don’t mind him, Babe. He means well--he just lacks all restraint. He means, we’re going to see a man about a boat.”193

“See a van about a goat.” Digby echoed from the back.194

Why had he said van? Was it nonsense, like it sounded? She de-cided to ignore the wild man from Borneo, or wherever. “How can we buy a boat? We don’t even have enough to pay the rent.”195

“Not buy. We’re just going to borrow it a while, take a little trip down south. It’s a sure thing. In a few weeks we’ll be able to buy a new house and a boat, too, if we want.”196

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Lanni held her head in her hands.197

“It’s all set up for us, Babe. One run to the Keys, and it’s Fat City. We’ll get a new house. Didn’t you hear me?”198

“Yes, only…”199

The Caddy came to rest behind their house and the Bear leaped out. “Gotta take a whiz--I’ll be back in a minute.”200

Lanni watched the car keys swing like a pendulum in the ignition as she gathered her bag and reached for the door handle.201

“Let me out, let me out.” Digby was bouncing on the seat behind her and attempting to stand, his head pressed against the top of the car. Before Lanni could get her door open, Terrible had pushed for-ward the driver’s seat and emerged on the other side. Digby tumbled out after him and turned a cartwheel in the sparse grass of the apart-ments next door. Lanni got out of the car. Beyond where TT was standing by the car door, Lanni could see the bike parked, a few feet from the outside stairway. She shuddered and took a step toward her own house.202

“Lanni, Lanni, he’s up there.” Digby stood and pointed at the bike with his other hand on his hip.203

So he did know about it. Lanni blushed and pretended to search for something in her bag. When she looked up again, Digby was nearing the top of the stairs. He turned and faced her. “I think this guy would make fertilizer for some cow field out of town, don’t you?”204

So the Bear had not forgotten about it after all. They would make the son-of-a-bitch pay for what he’d done to her and her family. Suddenly it all came back to her--the smell of sweaty leather, the mildew, the pain. He deserved whatever they would do to him.205

"He's up here," Digby shouted from the landing. “Shall I throw him down, Lanni? Shall we make this asshole pay?”206

Lanni saw that the Bear had come back out the door and was stand-ing on the steps. She let her bag fall on the driveway. They were asking her what to do. Asking her. She would be responsible for--what? They would not just give this guy’s butt a kick, of that much she was sure. Maybe the bike would be found out in the swamps one day, a bone or two beneath it. She knew the right answer--the one that proved her innocence and his guilt in their eyes. It was 'Yes. Throw the sucker down. Make him pay for what he took from me--from us. No sympathy. Yes.'207

The taste of hatred filled her mouth, and the world turned gray all around her. She tried to form the word, but something was wrong. Even more wrong than what had happened to her. She saw herself and the Bear in the future, bound by bloodshed as they had once been by love, never again quite able to spit the hated out of their mouths--Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth. And who would play the next hand in such a chain of retribution? And who would pay? Robby or Ricky?208

A few years earlier she'd protested the war with placards and peace signs. Fake. Phony. Hypocrite. Ever since that cruel trip to the van, she'd envisioned her attacker's punishment, expecting the deed to be done, just happening, like bad weather. But they had gone and asked her. Taken away her lie.209

The bastard had stolen her happiness, the Bear's pride as well as her own, for nothing--just because he could, she supposed. But new violence could not undo that. It could only extinguish the love in her heart and the last clear notion of who she might be. Without that, she would be no better than her attacker. Her dreams of peace would have no meaning when there was no peace in her soul.210

“Well, Lanni, give the word. Are you ready?” Digby flexed his muscles and did squat-thrusts on the landing. She did not look at the Bear, but she could feel his dark eyes soften, ready to receive her declaration.211

“No. Don’t throw him down.” Lanni stood straight, with her arms at her sides.212

Digby stopped flexing and leaned over the railing in her direc-tion. “No? Are you sure? No?” He scrubbed his ear with a knuckle. “Did I hear you right?”213

“I said no.” Lanni threw back her shoulders.214

Terrible was still standing beside the car. “She said no, John.” TT’s voice had a puzzled tone.215

“Well, then it’s no.” There was no mistaking the disappointment in the Bear’s voice, and she knew the price to be paid. Oh, he’d be back tonight, as he’d said earlier. Maybe he’d be around for a few weeks or a month, maybe take the boys fishing again. But when they moved, it would be to separate places, and their lives would go in different ways. Lanni stood still and breathed her loss, streaming tears making little mud nuggets on the dusty driveway.216

Digby vaulted down the stairs and piled into the car. Terrible Ted followed suit.217

The Bear walked up to Lanni and put an arm around her that no longer melted into her shoulder. His lips were cool when they brushed her cheek. “See you later, Babe.”218

He moved slowly toward the Caddy and slid into the driver’s seat without another glance in her direction. Digby was riding shotgun. Lanni watched the old DeVille back out of the driveway and waved it down the road. The sun was still shining in the west, but it had started to rain. Lanni picked up her bag and went into the house.219