Prologue: Dredging up the Forgotten (Ella Paul’s Perspective)1
It was like looking at the world through a new set of eyes, which in fact, was exactly what I was doing, with two key differences. Firstly, the world wasn’t mine and secondly, my traded eyes were not human. Somehow, I was being transported into the past, a place where dragons and magic roamed free and unchecked. Incredibly, impossibly, I had landed myself in the heart of Draconi, watching the golden lands flourish under Gareth’s perspective. I had never before seen such beauty.2
Pink, orange and yellow hues permanently coloured the skies as three tiny suns shone brilliantly through the wispy, purple clouds. Schools of fish danced above my head, flipping and turning through the air just like they did in water. Butterflies the size of dinner plates flew pleasantly around them, varying from green to crimson in colour. I reached out to touch one - or rather Gareth did - and a scaly, purple claw disrupted my vision. I examined the giant hand in interest, watching one of the smaller, ruby coloured butterflies land gently within the gap. Even though it was much larger than the ones present on Earth, the creature still had plenty of room to flap its wings. The space between my talons was enormous. 3
A low, throaty chuckle had me almost jumping out of my skin - or was it scaly hide? - and I had to remind myself of the current predicament I was in. As a sixteen and a half year old dragon-human hybrid, I’d more than had my fair share of weird lately. Ever since I was a small child, the King of Draconi, a gargantuan planet that oversaw our own had been fused together with my heart, body and mind. This infusion enabled me to do things others would consider near impossible. I could control and manipulate the air element with ease, bending the currents to my very will, and I could also predict the future. As of late however, that power was completely nonexistent. Thanks to the Magiks - witches and wizards hell-bent on stealing my life force to bring forth the apocalypse - I can no longer see what destiny has in store for us; they removed my gift with a cursed spell. If it wasn’t for my friends and the other people like me, known as Dracosapiens, I probably would have died a long time ago. They too have possessing dragons and abilities, whether it’s super speed and strength like Tyson or immortality and healing like Jake, my ex-boyfriend. 4
All ten of us had been chosen for a higher purpose, to stop the five rebel traitors - led by the sadistic Adriana - from destroying yet another world just as they did with the Draconi kingdom, leaving it rot and smoulder for all of eternity, all in the name of more power. By killing off every dragon with magical abilities and adding them to their own, their powers would increase exponentially. The sad thing was, Adriana and Gareth used to be allies which only added more fuel to the flames.5
Tiny, yellow crested birds sped past my eyes, twittering in content as they dove in and out of the lake before me. Thatcher birds I thought to myself, remembering Gareth’s stories of home. Creatures that actually nested underwater.6
I moved closer, eyes wide and intrigued, as what appeared to be miniscule flowers danced in a breeze that just wasn’t there. I gasped as I inspected them further. They were fairies, little, ivory skinned people wrapped in petals, dewdrops and leaves, their wings like spindly twigs, so intricate and fragile.7
A light humming filled my ears as they approached, the aroma wafting off their clothes so sweet that it made me want to cry. They waved at me merrily, singing a tune that I did not recognise, bowing occasionally out of respect.8
“Thankyou, my dear ones,” cooed Gareth humbly. “I take it your day is going well?” The fairies nodded fervently, beckoning him forth with their diminutive hands.9
“Yes, I suppose you are right,” he mused. “A light bath never hurt anyone.” With another amused chuckle, my possessing dragon slid into the depths, cutting the water gracefully upon every movement.10
Groaning softly, he rolled onto his back then stretched, yawning hugely so that a long, speckled tongue flopped out of his mouth. I fought back a laugh. How nice it would be to have a dragon as a pet, he was so much cuter than a dog. Now if only he couldn’t talk and backchat like a real canine, then I’m sure Draconian kings would be in full demand.11
“Master, master,” rasped a voice from nowhere. “The merman prophets bring grim news.” Gareth flipped himself over, eyes narrowed and wary as he stared into the cold, black eyes of the most unusual looking woman. Her skin was mottled a deep purple and blue azure, her hair the brightest of whites. She swam blithely around him, swaying from left to right, her wiry limbs covered in strange symbols and shapes. One however, shaped around her well pronounced bare chest, flashed a vibrant, unsettling crimson.12
“What is it, nymph?” he demanded, tone shaking with unease.13
“Wrath, my lord. The sin of wrath is upon you.”14
In a list
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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An interesting story, to say the least. I would gladly read on, if you have any more tidbits.
One problem I have with this piece is that the information you're giving the reader seems rather abrupt, for lack of a better word. For example, the information in paragraphs 4 and 5 are told to us; you do not show us this information. It'd be nice if you spread out the background of the story throughout the entire piece instead of concentrated in a few paragraphs. Of course, why would you listen to someone like me? XD
As I said, nice job. I'd definitely want to read on. ^^;
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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ah the problem with sequels. Trying to find a way to recap it all to people is haard. I do have more but rarely come on this site any more as i've had my fill but i appreciate your input.
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Ah, so this is a sequel? Should have known, I guess. Oh well. XD
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Great
I like it though I don't read this type of story. I did visualized the butterlies. When I read "schools of fish danced above my head" I knew I was reading something different for me. Watch for the following:
"I could control and manipulate the air element with ease, bending the currents to my very will(placed a period and drop the and, make this next part one sentence) I could also predict the future". Watch for other extended sentences that may be better read by letting points stand alone.
Good imaginationbeginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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thank you, i'm glad i could break your trend and i appreciate your input.
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Needs work
Hi Violette. I liked the story behind your story, but I found it a bit hard to dive into as is. I don't have the time to attack the entire thing on a critical level, so I'm going to concentrate on the first paragraph.
Remember, if I didn't think you had something neat here, I wouldn't be taking the time to be such a jerk about it
It was like looking at the world through a new set of eyes(.) which in fact, was exactly(it really can't be "exactly" if you go on to debunk it in the next few words...) what I was doing, with two key differences . Firstly (why are you couching this in the form of a list? It really forces an unneeded formality to your character's thoughts) the world wasn’t(I find it best if you simply decide to use contractions or not and then stick with it. Throughout most of the piece, you aren't, so I'd stick with that and write out "was not" here) mine and secondly , my traded eyes were not human. Somehow, I was being transported into the past(Where, exactly, in Earth's past, did dragons and magic roam free?), a place where dragons and magic roamed free and unchecked. Incredibly, impossibly, I had landed myself in the heart of Draconi, watching the golden lands flourish under(from instead of under, maybe? I had trouble making sense of this) Gareth’s perspective. I had never before seen such beauty.(I like this last line. It's not trying to be fancy or to wow anyone, it's simply a strong declarative sentence - and it really works.)
The rest of your story had similar issues. Your sentences tend to do a few too many things at once, and, for me, it really took away from the effect. Try to watch that.
Your descriptions, while often pretty, were just as likely to be overwrought and difficult to wade through. Make sure what you're describing is something that adds to the story and you're not just describing it because it's a neat idea.
I see a lot of potential here, Violette, and after a good edit pass I think this will be a nice piece. Well done.
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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jerk is a harsh word, not the word i would use most definately. Critical yes, but isn't that what we're all here for? i do get disappointed with some comments but one has to take the good with the bad and yours seems to fit somewhere in the middle so i thank you for your input.
Descriptions are troubling. People argue i either use too much or too little, depending on what they prefer
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Too quick and jumpy; I could barely follow through. Needs improvement, specifically elaborations and proofread more carefully
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not a very helpful comment, you should perhaps consider elaborations yourself. If you have the time, i would like to know what you mean
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First of all, I would like to say you have a beautiful style of writing. It was completely enjoyable to read.
One thing I noticed right off the bat was your use of commas. You use commas to connect sentences to make them longer. This is a great technique which makes it a more sophisticated story, but too many combined sentences overwhelms the reader. Try using a variety of sentence lengths.
One small grammar mistake I caught- Paragraph nine, you say "Thankyou" instead of "Thank you".
Also, it isn't much a mistake as it is writing style(so I really don't have the right to correct you on this) you use the same setup of quotes the whole time. ' "Speech," speaker. "Speach" ' I just felt that I should point that out, not that you need to correct it. It would just make it a little different if you varied it.
Other than that, there is not much else I can say. Your story is very admirable so far, and I loved reading it. I hope to read more in the futurebeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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thank you, i am glad you enjoyed it and yes you are quite right, i do appear to use that talking technique a lot. I'm not sure if it's a bad thing but now that it has been pointed out i intend to fix it.You are a kind person and a great critic
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Very Good!
I'm usually not into fairy tales and myths,but your story is extremely good,and I really like it. I honestly don't think it needs any improvement,it is great the way it is.beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow, thanks!
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This is such an awesome story! I thought it was a great piece of fantasy, imaginative and creative. =)
Suprisingly, it was very easy to follow. Usually I have troubles following stories in the fantasy genre because the other doesn't explain the setting and characters enough for the reader to understand. But you actually explained everything very well. ^^ I completely understood what was going on.
Anyway, fabulous piece! I hope to read other works by you in the future. =D
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Wow, the most wonderful dragon story I've read! magnificent, enchanting, each word was crafted with imagination, and patience. It makes me want to read much more, I wish I could write like that!
Wow
Warrior
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Awesome! I'm totally reading it.
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OOOOOOOHH! I liked it! i'll read on for sure!
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This is so totally awesome! How many chapters are you writing? I'm almost done reading teh 1st one. It is great so far. Absolutely, posilutely, positively wonderful! Great! Exciting! Amazing! Magical! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
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i think this is pretty awesome
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I think Im to young to get it but it was really good
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Wow. Wait, was I supposed to read this one first? If I was to start reading the series would I start at this one, I thought it was a prologue to the actual book, or do you have two books? Your writing style I believe has improved greatly. The words you used are so full of life and description. It has an amazing sense of thought and direction. This is really amazing. I just hope I didn't spoil the story for myself.
Great write. -
wow!!!
this is amazing. you really give the reader a rounded sense of your plot and characters. Seeing it from different points of views was neat, to. i know a lot of people have said it already but i couldn't get enough of your imagery. none of it was cliche at all it was all fresh and riveting, enhancing your story with images. your style is so unique. i defineately NEED to read more now.
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i love this. it makes me want to read more. i love stories which are told from all different perspectives.
i haven't seen much of the characters yet but your scenery and place the story is based is very well thought out. your imagery really brings up a picture in my mind. keep up the good work
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Okay, I am doing this backwards but oh well. And I see its not just Violette anymore its Classic Violette.
Erm... had you actually heard that you would hear my sarcasric tone... uh don't mind me its been a long day. Now on with the meatier stuff that matters.I like the use of dredgeing... good mental imagery with this word.
Firstly, the world wasn’t mine and secondly, my traded eyes were not human. This sentence read oddly for me, maybe consider not having instead of making first an adverb just use the root.... first then follow it up with secondly blah blah stuff. Firstly makes me stumble and is just awkward. (you know my disclaimers so I will not repeat them, these are only my opinions)
I have to say something about the adverb issue. I didn't notice many in chapter one and using them occasionally is fine but already I have counted 9 in the first two paragraphs already. Adverbs are the ly words in case you didn't know. Try using stonger verbs in their place or just rewording the sentence so the ly is not needed. Yes I know...I sound like a hypocrit judeing by my last story posted Auld Gregor Maclauclan.... but it is a short story that I really did not invest alot of time in yet anyways.... Um thats my excuse.
For example this: Pink, orange and yellow hues permanently coloured the skies as three tiny suns shone brilliantly through the wispy, purple clouds.
Might work like this: Hues of pink, orange, and yellow stained the skies with everlasting colour as three suns shone with brilliance through the wispy, purple clouds.
Just a thought.... not that all them (or any) need to be changed.They were fairies, little, ivory skinned people wrapped in petals, dewdrops and leaves, their wings like spindly twigs, so intricate and fragile. Awesome piece of imagery here!
“Thankyou, my dear ones,” Not to nit pick but shouldn't thank you be spaced? Unless he said it really fast and close together..... this doesn't appear to be the case though.
Great ending, nice way to get the reader to go oh what next?
Agian you continue to paint your scences in great detail with out going into purple prose... cheers to that.
I have not read the previous book (and frankly since it on a computer and the story not in print I don't have the time to read it) so I cannot compare this to your previous works. So.... I don't know if or how well you have improved, but you do a fine job telling a tale now. Keep it up.~Louvre~
P.S. You write a hell of a lot better than I did at that age. Oh if I could turn back time..... damn you Cher.
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I love this story! I have read the first book, and now I am thrilled, cuz i finished it around JUNE! This is a really good beginning, makes me want more!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks for the awesomicals story, it makes me verrryyyy happy, btw, could ypu check out mystory, called the hatchling?
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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You posted the sequel and you didn't even tell me??? EVILLLL YOU!!!!!
Absolutely beautiful prologue. Man, everyone can describe things well, except me.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Great description of the world. Yes I agree with Dreamwanderer that you are improving.
Perhaps you´re even better than me! lol, at least in descriptions, which have always been my weakness.
Storywise - now that´s something I´m more comfortable with
- you introduce that new world and the ability to take dragon form in draconis - which will undoubtedly be used for some dragon on dragon (or dragon on magick) action, so yay for that 
And the end is suitably ominous.
Wait, what are you doing reading commments - Go write the rest of book 2!
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Can't comment on the story - this is only the first piece of the puzzle. I have to [yet again] point to your [usual] intriguing ending.
Instead, here I'm going to focus your great improvements since way back in chapter one - re-read it and note the difference in word selection and the flow. And, especially, the imagery:
"Incredibly, impossibly, I had landed myself in the heart of Draconi, watching the golden lands flourish under Gareth’s perspective. I had never before seen such beauty."
This is not something you would've come up with last year[?]. Your vocabulary is on the rise, you use the nicely metred "Incredibly, impossibly" where most wouldn't think to. "Under" is well chosen where most would choose a less descriptive "with" or "through"; it implies Gareth's great size/regal stature, or perhaps a lofty perch. Another good one:
"They were fairies, little, ivory skinned people wrapped in petals, dewdrops and leaves, their wings like spindly twigs, so intricate and fragile."
So much said in so little. You're mixing the commas and the "ands" to a much better flow - a style after my own heart. Perhaps you could throw some "thens" into the mix here and there:
"Groaning softly, he rolled onto his back [then] stretched." "And" implies actions happening at the same time, wherein "Then" implies one event followed by another. This is just a thought - "and" always strikes me as the overused conjunction.
I know I'm probably going overboard with the kudos, but I was really taken with some of your imagery. Seriously - I want to see what comes next as much to see what poetry come up with as the story itself. Too bad I'm only allowed three clappies - Dw
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