PROLOGOUE1
The trio of dragons hovered high in the air, oscillating around the small village. The beasts alternated attacks, descending and breathing fire on a random structure or persons. 2
The town populace was fleeing in utter panic as their homes, stores, and temples went up in flames. 3
Amongst the chaos, a platoon of The Royal Army strategically positioned and hid around the town square. Their captain, a young officer whose fresh face and bright eyes were hidden by endless battles and sleepless nights, signaled his men to ready their bows. The next dragon lowered himself for another attack. The dragons that remained high almost seemed to be smiling. When the attacking dragon had reached his attack altitude he inhaled rearing back his scaly head. The captain gave the signal. The soldiers immediately fired their arrows, piercing the dragon`s heart and neck. The defeated beast crashed to the earth, dead. The two remaining dragons rose even higher and flew out of sight.4
The young captain surveyed the burnt buildings and corpses. Then glanced at the fallen beast. ‘One dead beast versus a town completely wiped out,’ he thought to himself. His head began to hang in despair, but he remembered the town people and soldiers who looked to him for motivation and leadership. With some internal effort he forced his head high. 5
“Get that dragon butchered. The town’s people can use its meat," he ordered, then slumped down for a moments rest.6
A contest entry
- Anything -- 300 words or less by Yemassee.
232 points, ended November 14, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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This would make a good, short chapter to a longer work. It captures a scene and ends in a manner where another chapter (about the feeding of the town) could begin. Indeed I see now it says Prologue, so what I said stand valid.
You've made the fantastic believable, at least in the thoughts and actions of the captain.
Do dragons hover in the air? If so I like the word "oscillating." If they do not and you mean soaring, swooping etc, I don't like that word there.
I like the opening description of the young captain, you give not only a glimpse of him, but of the life of a soldier when you state, "fresh face and bright eyes were hidden by endless battles and sleepless nights".
"The dragons that remained high almost seemed to be smiling."
I'm not sure, since they are high up in the air, that the narrator can see that they seemed to be smiling.
"The young captain surveyed the burnt buildings and corpses"
Here I would add an adjective before the word "corpses." Read it again, see how the sentence seems a little off-balance. adding an adjective there, balances the sentence out. "Lifeless corpses" though redundant, gives you an example of what I mean.
I like your captain's reasoning. The price paid for one dragon. It adds depth to not only the character but the story.
I enjoyed the tale and am glad you entered it in my contest.
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thank you very much for the comment. It was very helpful i gues I will take some time to comment on your comments. 1.I used the word oscilating there perfectly j/k it fits the image i have in my head of what the dragons were doing at the time. 2. I am glad you like my description of the captain 3. The narrator has super vision. I am not really sure how to answer that comment. between you and me they only seemed like they were smiling they really had bad gas. 4. I have to think on that corpses thing burnt is meant to be for both nouns. I see your point though I need to ponder that
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If I may say, I think this prologue is a little on the short side, but it sets the story out sufficiently. (And Prologue is spelt incorrectly!)
This sounds a bit typical... dragons destroying village(s) and humans retaliating in some way... but I want to read more all the same. (I'm a dragon fan.
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Some things I must prod at:
--> [descending down]
Take 'down' off, as 'descending' is going downwards.
--> Their captain, a young officer whose fresh face and bright eyes were [hid] by endless battles and sleepless nights, signaled his men to ready their bows.
[hid] to be [hidden]?
--> The young captain surveyed the burnt buildings and corpses. Then glanced at the fallen beast.
The second sentence doesn't make sense, or isn't complete. Consider rephrasing/adding to it, or join the two sentences together.
-->When the attacking dragon had reached his attack altitude he inhaled rearing back his scaly head.
Insert a comma after altitude.
--> The soldiers immediately fired their arrows, filling the dragons heart and neck with the tips.
[dragons] should have an apostrophe (the [dragon's]). I also don't think 'with the tips' is necessary; obviously you wouldn't fill the heart and neck with the other end of arrows. And also, the arrows aren't 'filling'... perhaps pick another word to use.
--> The fallen beast crashed to the earth, dead.
It would be clear that the dragon was killed, considering the damage it took in the previous sentence. (I suggest getting rid of 'fallen' if you wish to keep 'dead', because the dragon would then falls to the earth.)
I like the small injection of human characteristic - putting on a brave face for the sake of others (the captain). Perhaps you could do with some more description of the dragons and/or of the captain, but if you do, don't overload it.
Waiting to read more to this story!
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Thank you for the comment and very helpful critique. This is pretty far away from what I normally write, so the story is going to be pretty typical (like you said). But not in the way you are thinking. I will have more up pretty soon. I am glad you liked it despite the mistakes. Oh when I do my rewrite I will probably add a little more to it
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It's great to know you'll be doing a rewrite. I don't really know what you 'normally write', but it's nice that you are adventuring into another genre.
Remember to nudge me when you get more up!
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Good read, well written, A bit short. I like the oscillating reference as they have no cares. Just a suggestion to increase the feeling of despair by the Captain, for what it's worth....
#5 The young captain surveyed the burnt buildings and corpses.
Just an expansion suggestion...The young captain surveyed what was left of the town, the burning building and the dead and dying peoples of the village. The stench of burned flesh filled his nostrils as he thought of the single dead beast.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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Thank you for the comment and the suggestion. I may consider using that or something similar when I do my rewrite.
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Good prologue, probably what impresses me most is your word choice. That's one of your best ways of helping visualize the scene. However it was pretty short. If this is going to be converted to the prologue of a novel, all you need to do is patch the grammar a little and make the prologue longer.
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I may add a little more to this after I have wrote the story. I really don't like doing prologues, but I felt it was necessary for this story.
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realy good. I could visulize what was happening which is the sign of a good author. Can't wait to see whath happens.
Angel
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Thank you for the nice comment. I hope to have more up as soon as possible.
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Too many good words crowded together in the 1st paragraph.. You need some relief there. As a matter of fact, this story is sort of like a whole big bowl of lumpy mash potatoes. You start to eat it, and WHOOPS! There's a lump. And a bit later, WHOOPS! There's another lump. Good idea, don't get me wrong, but the execution is slightly lacking. Read over it a few times as you get a little older and you might find something to change. Good effort.
Mistakes:
Paragraph 4: 1st sentence: "Amongst the chaos a platoon of The Royal Army strategically positioned and hid around the town square." Should become: "Amongst the chaos, a platoon of the Royal Army strategically positioned and hid around the town square."
Paragraph 4: 5th sentence: "When the attacking dragon had reached his attack altitude he inhaled raring back his scaly head." Might want to be changed to: "When the attacking dragon had reached his attack altitude, he inhaled, rearing back his scaly head."
Paragraph 5: 1st sentence: "The young captain surveyed the burnt buildings and corpse." Should naturally become "The young captain surveyed the burnt buildings and corpses."
Paragraph 5: Final sentence: "With some internal effort he forced his head high." Should add a comma and become "With some internal effort, he forced his head high."
Oh dear that was quite flummoxing. -
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Thank you for the little comment it was very helpful and a touch confusing a little wrong and very appreciated.
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I'm not much of a fan of fantasy fighting, etc. but I must say this is good. If it's a prologue though, make it longer.
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I will have to see if I can and thank you for the comment
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Damn lol. Is this one of those type of Prologue where it's in the middle of the story but we, of course, see it in the beginning? Cuz that was pretty awesome and it got my attention. Haha. Keep writing, I like the way you write. Very very good. xD
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"whose young face and bright eyes were hid by endless battles and sleepless nights" Does this mean his face was hidden by scars and baggy eyes? I'm a bit confused by this description. Overall, It sounds like an interesting beginning to a fantastical story.
~Mab -
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Thank you for the comment. I am not sure how to explain the phrase to you without making it sound like I am talking down. It can mean what you said along with just being dirty maybe bruised tire worn etc.
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Prologue, not prolgoue. I'm sure that was just a typo, though.
p2; "The beast alternated attacks, descending down and breathing fire on a random structure or persons." Beasts
p4; "Their captain, a young officer whose young face and bright eyes were hid by endless battles and sleepless nights, signaled his men to ready their bows." I really liked this sentence, especially the description you used for the soldier's eyes. I'd change "hid" to "hidden", though, and maybe get rid of or change one of the "young" adjectives, it read kind of repetitively in the sentence.
"When the attacking dragon had reached his attack altitude he inhaled raring back his scaly head." Change "raring" to "rearing".
"The foul beast fell to the ground dead." 'fell to the ground dead' seems a little too blunt. Maybe change it to something like, "The foul beast lifelessly fell to the ground" or something along those lines.
p5; "The young captain surveyed the burnt buildings and corpse. Then glanced at the fallen beast." Unless there was only one casualty or you're talking about the dragon corpse, it should be corpses. Also, get rid of the period and add a comma.
This was very well written, especially for a rough draft. I was not at all disappointed. You'd better keep posting this story, mister. -
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thank you for the comment. I appreciate the little crits they were very helpful
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p2-"the beasts". "aiming their fire randomly"?
p4-maybe give the dragons different colours or special features so that you can describe them without using the same words? "captain gave the signal"?
p6-"use its meat" needs a quotation mark after it.
I REALLY liked this beginning. Sorry that I seem to have picked on it a bit, its mainly just grammatical and flow. I found some of the sentences to be a bit wordy and I felt that detracted from the pacing. But the story line you seem to be working with appears quite sound so far and its intriguing.
When you say send it in, are you planning on trying to get it published? Or just posting it on SW? I kind of assumed the first at the time and went into critical review mode. Sorry, but I hope its helpful!
I may have thought of more stuff when I first wrote this, but I'm writing in the dark and somehow managed to refresh the page.
Either way, I can't wait to read the rest. Good job as usual!
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Thank you for the comment. I don't mind people being critical. Thank you for the catching the missing quotation. I meant just sending it into storywrite. I am not sure if I will want to publish it just depends how it turns out. Thank you again for the thoughtful and helpful comment
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Oh my word I love it and this is just a prolgoue. it is amazing. write more write more.
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Thank you very much. I will have more up soon
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Very good! This story reminds me of a movie called 'Reign of Fire' You've heard of it, yes? But I have a feeling this will be far more superior.
Anyways, there are a couple things you could improve on. A couple of sentences were choppy and I got lost in what was going on. See paragraph one for details.
Once you get the sentances to flow in the way that is desired by not only yourself, but your readers, this will be most excellent writing.
Great job, I am expecting more.
love
and most importantly
Ink ~ -
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thank you very much for the comment. There will be more, so stop your begging. I have never heard of that movie, but I am pretty sure this will at least be different.
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