On top of the cold, dark hill lies a disturbing secret. Something that the citizens of Dresden Falls have kept hidden for seventy years. Something so unbearable and freakish it would bring you to the brink of suicide, something that would make the Nazis look like Girl Scouts.... 1
It all started in the early twentieth century. A time when war, famine, and disease plagued the world. The county was blighted with TB in the '20s causing the state to build a monstrous facility. six hundred patients were enrolled in its opening week. All of them died...2
The hospital's treatments were to no avail. More and more arrived, and more and more died. Almost every hour, a patient died. Because the death rates were so unbearable, the staff constructed a body chute in order to conceal the perishes from the current patients. Many other cruel things were done, such as Hypothorax treatment, also known as the total removal of ones rib cage. Most ill patients were treated with electroshock therapy. Most of the death rates were caused from this. Another devilish deed was forcing the patients to walk outside naked in the bitter winter.3
But it's not the Tuberculosis, that the town is hiding. After the hospital closed in the 1950s after a cure was found, The state suffered another plague amongst society. It was not a disease. During this time, many teachers forced parents to place bad kids in a internment facility. That is when the state converted the hospital to a detention center. All of the children were disturbed, and demented. They cut themselves, they hurt each other, and bit each other. The doctors placed muzzles on them, and chained the children to the numerous steel hooks in the hallways. Some of the really insane ones were placed in padded rooms. 4
But, I'm sad to tell you, that is not what the citizens of Dresden Falls are hiding. Seeing how you lasted this long, I'll gladly tell you the real truth.....5
It was about a decade later when the mothers in the nearby town started to give birth to deformed and disabled children. In a total act of Human Imperialism, the parents gave up their 'retarded' children to the doctors at the Sanitarium. At the time it was still a Child Psychiatric center, with this the doctors placed both the slow and the insane together. It was not long before the Sociopaths killed the 'retards'. The doctors did nothing, they called it an experiment. It was now when the disabled were treated as worse, when they 'acted up' the nurses restrained them to steel chairs and plucked their teeth out. The blood stains scarred the room, which later became known as the 'Blood Room'. This 'treatment' became known all over the state, this caused mothers and fathers to 'ship' their disabled children via train to the sanitarium. In 1971, the hospital officially became known as the Dresden Hills Asylum. 6
When a shortage occurred in staff, the doctors would reward the 'good' Insane Children with duty over the disabled. This caused most of the disabled females to be raped and beaten. If one of them were to have become pregnant, the doctors would enforce an immediate abortion. Sometimes, the babies were actually born, but they were subject to experiments to cure 'disabilities and human stupidity'.7
The male disabled were slain by the Psychopaths. The doctors called it 'Nature's Suppressant'. Soon the country heard of the horrible facility and forced it to close. It finally shut its doors in November of 1979. In 1984, the FBI announced a body search for the missing disabled children. All 2,600 were discovered in the body chute along with 25,000 TB patients. 8
The citizens of Dresden Falls are now scarred with the unrest souls of the Dammed. They will never forget what lies on that Cold, Dark Hill.......
Author notes
This is the prologue/beginning of an upcoming Ghost story I'm working on.
To note, these events actually happened in various places across the country.
Most famously Waverly Hills, KY. (Tuberculosis)
(The Disabled were in Pennsylvania, called Pennhurst State School)
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A contest entry
- Dark Stories by Dead Beauty.
380 points, ended November 20, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - You've been a bad, bad boy. by corrupthoughts.
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• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - A New Anything by VariousSingularity.
500 points, ended November 21, 30 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Emotion by Lady Pixie.
100 points, ends November 22, 41 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Urban Legends by Cherry Lips.
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Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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I can't believe the atrocities man is capable of. I think I'd be ashamed of being from those places. This is really freaky and I think you should keep writing on it. It'll be a really good ghost story. Thanks for entering. Good luck!
By the way, great pic.
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Waverly Hills-
First, let me get this out of the way. I haven't in quite some time, but I used to do paranormal investigating and Waverly Hills was one of the places I once really wanted to go to check out... did you know that right now, in this very moment, there are talks going on that there is someone buying it and possibly going to fix it up to turn it into a hotel???
Seriously! That's creepy!
Anyways, back to your story here.
This was great. I love the details you start off with.
Glad to see that it's a prologue, so I definitely look forward to reading more of this
Some suggestions I do have for you:
In P1 & 2: I'd suggest writing out 70 (seventy), 20th century (twentieth), and 600 (Six hundred). Only suggestions though.
P4: But its not the Tuberculosis, that the town is hiding.
it's
P6: The doctors did nothing, the called it an experiment.
they called it...
P7: Sometimes, the babies were actaully born, but they were subject to experiments to cure 'disabilities and human stupidity'.
actually
Overall, this was an exceptionally good read I enjoyed it very much and definitely look forward to seeing where you go with this Great work!!
Pixie
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Thank you for reading and hosting Pixie!
I fixed the errors and should be good to go.
Have fun with your contest.
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Insanity. Gave me chills, just got finished readin' "SHUTTER ISLAND" and had alota of the same feel to it. Awesome story, man.
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Whoa!!! That was really creepy and engaging. My heart rate went up a little Very well written
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Hi Sonic Banana!
Thank you for the clappies and for reading. I'm glad to hear that this is 'heart racing'.
~ Dr. Metalhead
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This is great. But I'd advise you to expand upon this. There's too much information in this small piece-it's great, I really do like it-, but too much occurs in too small an amount of time. It doesn't give the reader enough time to connect, to filter, all the emotions and thoughts all that information can create. The reader says 'that's fucked up.' There's not much of an attachment.
Also, it reads more like a newspaper article than a story. There's so much more you could write about.
I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying you could turn this good story into a great one...
That is all. I'll ramble on...
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Hello VariousSingularity!
Thank you so much for reading! I am expanding this, its actually a prolouge to an upcoming novel. If you like this, I'm sure you'll like the novel.
~ Dr. Metalhead
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It's not disturbing enough for me, but I love the concept of Tuberculosis and the "body chute."
Insane Asylums are my favorite things to read about, and you did a chillingly good job for an introduction.
I'm not sure why First-Mate is comparing this to Stephen King. Obviously, few people can actually write like King, and it takes years of practice. This prologue contained all the necessary ingredients for a superb, original horror, so I'm excited to see what's next.
An impressive read all around.
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Disturbing
This is a brutally effective start to your ghost story. I usually don't go in for this sort of story, but it's devotees will undoubtedly enjoy this dark classic. Gotta go get some sunshine. Good write if you correct some spelling and grammar. Good luck in the contests.
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As a prologue this is a quick take on the story....lest you forget, Stephen King does gore and macabre, but he eases into the story and gives the reader a false sense of everything-is-well before the horror begins.
This reads like an account of what happened or a report of some kind, it is well written, but there is little lead in and too much information packed into the beginning, you have all the details and stuff just thrown upfront, so I don't feel it necessary to continue reading the next chapters.
There isn't a gradual thing going on here. the prologue is like an introduction--it takes the reader by the hand and says "Come with me, I have something to show you." Type of thing going on, the first chapters 1-5 are like the ebbs and flow of the tide...you give them the general outline of the story what is going on with hints of what have happened and what is to come...then as the story opens up from the 6th-the ending the reader journeys through, the past, present and into the future until the destination/end of the story is reached.
Stephen King does this well with all his movies/books most especially with Carrie and Rose Red and The Cat People to a smaller but still significant effect.
If you'rew going to emulate Stephen King, that's okay for the reader but....Stephen has pacing (of the events that take place within the story) and timing (what happens to whom when and why) down to a science.
Good writing overall, and feel free to delete this comment if you don't agree with it.
The story is good and can be much better, if you slow dfown a bit and create a picture for the reader....pace yourself and it will read much better.
Good luck with your wriitng.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I see where you are coming from, I only mentioned Stephen King to overthrow shivam's comment.
Don't worry, I won't delete your comment, I found it very helpful.
Thank you for reading!!!!
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wow this is amazing!!! i love the anticipation and the whole story line all together
great job!!!!!!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Nice one mate! It's definately got that 'it happened just round the corner' quality about it. But don't let the reader in too soon, let them beg for more! Good luck.
ANDY O' -
Average
Too much gore effectively kills the novelty factor in the beginning. Try putting in some reason for all this violence.beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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'Try putting in some reason for all this violence.'
Did you read all of it? TB and Disabilities are the reason to this madness. And how does gore kill of novelty? Stephen King does it.
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Wo, very good introduction. It's terrifying to think that these kind of things actually happened... happen. I am exited to read the story. Nothing like thousands of murdered children to begin a horror story. Lol. Anyway, remind me to read it when you post and I will as soon as I can. otherwise I'll forget.
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This sounds so good! I can't wait to read more!! You need to continue this!!! =D
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Good intro. You have a good basis here; held my interest. However, I think you went a bit too fast. There's room to better connect the meat, my opinion. Minimize the passives; was's and were's. Substitute a strong verb. This will keep the reader engaged. I look forward to your ghost story.
~Mary O -
p1; "Something that the citizens of Dresden Falls has kept secret for 70 years." Since there is more than one citizen, it would be have kept secret.
p4; "But its not the Tuberculosis, that the town is hiding." Doesn't need the comma
p6; "The doctors did nothing, the called it an experiment." They called it...
I loved it. It was freaky, creepy and a great start to a story. However, I don't exactly think this makes the Nazis look like girl scouts in comparison.
What I really loved about this is that none of it couldn't happen. It could be the next big news story. Yet, it's what horror stories are made of.
Great job.
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Waverly Hills! I knew it!! That was the TB one... yes, I definitely got that vibe while reading this. Those doc's in my opinion, definitely classify as 'bad-guys' lol, the fact it's true, naturally gives an even eerier perspective on it.
This is written nicely, it sticks to the same voice, where the narrator is on the verge of disgust, but at the same gives some pretty graphic points. Like using the term 'pluck' when pulling out the kids teeth. It was a nice touch.
I only noticed this to point out;
para 1 - to me, 'secret' seems too close together here; "..dark hill lies a disturbing secret. Something that the citizens of Dresden Falls has kept secret for 70 years" -- Perhaps use the word 'hidden' the second time around?
However in that same para; "make the Nazis look like Girl Scouts" -- is a wonderful line.
I would have liked to hear more about the doctors. Perhaps there reports, what they gained from these 'experiments'.. things of that nature. Since you say it is a prologue though, I am sure that would come later..
Over all this is a unique entry to what I've read so far, and it follows the rules.
Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Hi Corrupthoughts!
Thank you for reading, and I will fix the first paragraph.
Have fun with your contest!
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p3: In the 2nd and 3rd sentence, then the word "Died" seems a little repettive. No biggie, but maybe it would flow a little better if you rephrased it a bit.
Wow, this is super dark.
I really liked it a lot. I don't know what it is about human expirements that facinates me so much, but it really does. It's interesting that it is based of real events, you wouldn't think that people would actually be twisted enough to things like that. I mean, wouldn't they get the clue that if your kid goes in, they won't come out.
Anyway, very good story. Maybe, when you are talking aabout the treatments for TB, you could add details, like why they thought certainthings would work. Because, in that situation, they thought they were doing the best they could for socioty.
Very good read, thank you for posting. I will look foward to the first chapter.
-Savannah
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Yeah, I'll try re-wording died. Thank you for reading!!
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AWESOME! I saw part of a movie about an asylum like this. It was the one you mentioned in the end (Waverly Hills). The movie was called Death Tunnel because of that chute you talked about in the story that they sent bodies down. That was called the death tunnel and it was said to be the only way out of the hospital. Very scary! I love the beginin of this story! Can't wait for the rest!
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I remember Death Tunnel, It was okay. It seemed to much like House On Haunted Hill.
Thank you for reading!!
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