The man stood, breathing deeply, in the shadows cast by murky light, a bloody knife clasped in one hand. A tiny grin played across his lips as he glanced down at the victim at his feet. 1
“Please...” a thin, reedy voice begged him.2
In reply, the man kicked the scrawny youth below him in the side and grinned as the boy rolled to one side and dry retched.3
“You rorted Antonio, and you know that no-one does that and lives.”4
“I didn’t know, I swear, please...”5
“Didn’t know?” A short, dry laugh followed the retort. “Everyone knows Toni and his bookie. But you were too fucked outta your mind to care – all you wanted was to get enough to score.” The man spat on the dusty floor. “Fucken junkie.”6
Instead of replying, the youth brushed a hand over the already crusting cut on his cheek. “I didn’t know. I swear.”7
The man kicked him again, apparently tired of the younger man’s whining. “All I want to know is where you hid the stash. Sure you might have used a fifty to score, but where’s the rest?”8
The young man glanced up at the knife and his eyes twitched much like a rabbit would under the stare of a predator. “I don’t know. I took my hit and when I woke up it was gone...”9
“Convenient,” the man growled, as he reached down and grabbed the prone man’s collar. He yanked him up and shook him. “How about a little reminder?” he asked, lowering the knife and holding it menacingly against the uncut cheek. 10
The young man whimpered.11
“Come on, Pete, out with it, I ain’t got all day to listen to your miserable excuses. You might be dying today, but I got a life you know. I want this done and buried before sundown.”12
Pete quivered, and tried half-heartedly to escape, but ended up only scrabbling his feet uselessly on the worn timber boards. “I’m telling ya, Frankie, it was gone...”13
Frankie cuffed him with the hilt of the knife, drawing another cry. “How the fuck do you lose fifty G’s Petey? I know you can’t have mainlined it – you’d be dead. And you can’t tell me you’d have kept your filthy mouth shut either. So... who’d you crow to, Petey?”14
“I just took the stash – sitting there pretty at the top of the bag – too easy. But I never said nothing to no cunt, Frankie.” 15
“You’re all the same – fucken useless pieces of shit that society wiped off its shoe a long time ago – you would have talked – no way you could have kept that big a rort from dropping outta your mouth. Who’d you score with, Pete, who?”16
Pete avoided the other man’s gaze, opting to scratch mindlessly at one of a myriad of crusting sores on his face. 17
Frankie pushed the knife against the other man’s skin. “Who?”18
“Jenson wouldn’t have rolled...” Pete paused mid-sentence, as if only just aware that he’d spoken the thought aloud.19
“Piece of shit, Davey Jenson, wouldn’t have done you over while you were off with the pixies?” Another dry laugh accompanied Frankie’s biting sarcasm. “You fucken idiot – Jenson would cut his own mother’s throat for a quarter – let alone blink for fifty Gs.”20
Pete squirmed. “We all square, mate, right? You know who’s got the stash...”21
“What? You think I’m gonna let you walk outta here? I told you, no one rorts Antonio, no one. Not you Pete, not me, not even Mother Teresa.”22
“Give me a couple of days, I promise, I’ll get the money back.”23
“You? Jenson would kick your scrawny arse from sunrise to sunset. Besides, you’d scamper and we’d never see you or the dosh ever again. You gonna pay, Petey, and I ain’t giving up on collecting.”24
Pete gasped as the knife lifted from his cheek and dropped to his chest. With both trembling arms, he wrapped his hands around Frankie’s wrist. “Please...”25
Ignoring the younger man’s feeble attempts, Frankie thrust the knife into the man’s chest and then gave it a brutal twist.26
Pete cried out, hands now clawing at his shirt and the blood around the knife. 27
“Goodbye, Petey.” Frankie slipped the knife from the wound before jerking the man’s head back and slashing the blade across his throat. Blood cascaded as Pete’s legs jerked and thudded on the floor. He wiped the blade on Pete’s dirty shirt, smearing blood rather than cleaning it from the implement. 28
As Frankie took a step back from Pete’s now lifeless form, footsteps sounded on the stairs outside of the room.29
He froze.30
With the barest sound, the doorknob turned and the door swung open.
.
.
.31
32
“Cut!”33
“That’s a wrap, people. Nice work Blake, Evan. Good improv...”34
The director turned to the two cameras focussed on the scene. “You got that second angle, right, Lance?”35
The man behind camera B grinned and gave a thumbs-up. “You betcha – the extra lighting worked a treat too. Good shadows and contrast.”36
On the floor in front of Blake, aka Frankie, Evan opened his eyes and pulled himself from the pool of ‘blood’. “You got Frankie to a ‘T’ back there.” He grinned and rubbed his chest. “I wish the makeup department would come up with something less messy, though, I hate having a shower every time the effects leak.”37
Blake laughed as he swung down his arm and offered the other actor a hand up. “At least Pete is finished now. What you working on now?”38
Evan took the Blake’s hand and rose quickly. “Some B-grade slasher.”39
The two men smiled knowingly and then walked off as the lights dimmed on the set.
Author notes
The first of a series of flash fics that I am writing as part of my NaNoWriMo project this year. The story is mostly unedited - and critiques other than grammar (which I will fix myself later) are more than welcome.
- NaNoWriMo group list • next in list
A contest entry
- A New Anything by VariousSingularity.
500 points, ended November 21, 30 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Just about Anything, really. by E Ardania.
350 points, ended November 21, 60 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - --->Originality and Creativity by Stars-are-Blind93.
100 points, ended November 16, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - My 100th story on SW anniversary competition!!!!!!! by CrystalFairyWings.
295 points, ends November 27, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Willing to get pissed off? by Disasterous-Bastard.
175 points, ends November 30, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Untitled... by Mistress Cheetah.
230 points, ended November 21, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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That was excellent! Perfect display of anger. The twist at the end was unexpected and cool. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
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Okay I found it kind of hard to follow, to be honest and there was a bit much swearing for my taste.. but other than that, it was great! Well done and good luck in the contest!
~Julia (Lia)
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All I can say at the moment is that I'm stunned. You had me all along, thinking it was really a scene from some 'hood where almost everyone was involved with drugs and gangs and such...
Have to admit from the title, I thought it was going to be some boring story about movies. But you tricked me and you did it well!
Kudos to you! Hmm, no SPaGs = excellent.
Just one very random question: what does 'rort' mean? (I probably sound really silly for asking, but I have no idea.)
Fantastic write, and good luck in the contest!
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Nice work with this. The dialogue and descriptions of their actions was realistic and had me going, wondering who was behind the door. When I saw 'Cut!', I had to laugh. Didn't see that coming at all but it made for an amusing twist for the ending.
Don't have any suggestions other than location during the scene. I was wondering where they were up until footsteps outside the door. With just the mention of a dim light, it could easily have been a room or a back alley. Don't know if that was intentional or not. It did add a touch of mystery wondering just where they were.
I enjoyed reading this with the tension buildup and then the surprise twist at the end.
Nicely done.
Greg
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Hey tallblondie,
Very good job on this. Had me going all the way to the end. Thoroughly entertaining story with a great twist
Steve
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Hey! I already read this. In fact, I was the last to leave a comment. Want me to comment again, other than this one? 'Cause I'll totally go there...I live life on the edge.
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Pretty good ending...
But, for most of the first half of this, the reader has no idea where it's taking place. It's a place with a floor, that's about it. It was hard to imagine this happening without an environment for it to happen in...
Anyway, great write and all that.
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wow i loved that well done im spechless keep up the good work
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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wow! i'm inspired. xD keep up the good work!
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This was something I haven't seen before. I like how you had the anticlimactic ending; I'm a big fan of those. I'd suggest that you have a bit more of a back story at the beginning to make the ending a bit more unsuspecting instead of just starting with the person being attacked. But all in all, the story is good. Nice job.
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good
Well written, but some of the vocabulary I didn't understand (rort) until I read the comments. Is that real slang, or your own invention? Good twist at the end, wasn't sure how you were going to pull a happy ending out with such a short story. Nice.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Real slang - Aussie style
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Nothing much to critique here, given the length. A good premise with a twist I admit I didn't see coming.
The only quibble I have is how the (really good) dialogue overshadows the (lacking) imagery -- In the first part I couldn't conjure up the character's surroundings -- I had no idea where they were until the door opened at the end. One sentence can easily change all of this.
Also, a few sentences struck me as wordy. #3, #17 and #26, for example, seemed to go on and kill the flow. This may or may not be worth noting, as you mentioned in your notes you'll be revising this.
All said, I have to say, again, the dialogue is outstanding. The way you seamlessly built the surrounding story while making it sound realistic. Also, the way it shifted when the "scene" was finished. A feat few writers can accomplish you're doing without a second thought.
Dw
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Cool..
I would've never expected the gritty atmosphere to be a set, the two men to be actors. But looking back on it, the scenario did seem fit for a scene out of a moviescript.
Nice.
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This was fantastic Blondie!!
The twist at the end was great, I mean, It went from super thrilling crime action to directing a movie! Are they shooting a crime show?
But, anyway, the descriptions were great and every sentence seemed suspenseful; I could not stop reading!
You really have a talent in writing, good luck in NaNoWriMo!
~ Dr. Metalhead
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This was really good. The twist was excellent. Didn't expect that. The characters were well done as well!
I loved it.
You have some talent.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Well done Blondie, as usual your story is top drawer. I always enjoy your tales. Your characterisation is superb and the twist at the end rounds things off nicely.
The nearest thing to a critisism I can find is the use of the word 'rort' and it's derivatives - I assume it is the same as rat or dob or grass, meaning to inform upon, if not please let me know what it means. (I assume it is an Australianism)
You pack so much into a short tale that it makes me jealous. Thank you for a good read.
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Here a 'rort' is to rip-off or sneakily take money/drugs/other items of value - usually from another criminal or someone who they think can afford to be robbed.
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I loved it all the way through. The thing i like the most was the twist in the end. I cannot wait to see more from you. Will you please do me a favor? Will you tell me when you write more? I would be very glad if you will. Once again, I must say, this is a very good story with a very unexpected twist. Thanks for sharing.
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Adore, absolutely adore, how you are able to create twists and develop the characters so well in a short period of time. The way they use words such as "outta" instead of "out of" show how they aren't the overly proper type, and etc. Marvelously written.
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A good story well written. It's a good flash-fic. When the writing is good there's not much to say....so look for the clappies...
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Loved it, very unexpected ending
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