release in a bottle

1

I gew up a spiled little daddy's girl, well on my way to being one of the those preppy beach babes who never did anything bad, and everyone loved to be around because they were happy.2

Until my daddy was taken away from me. He was an alcoholic, and did some things when he was drunk that demanded conciquences.3

i havent seen him in years, and i took a different turn. I dont like pink anymore, i smile, and its worn. tired. 4

Lack of a father can ruin a girls life. She no longer has a man in her life to fill the void for love and protection, so she turns to things like sex and drugs.5

Youd think i would learn from my fathers mistakes and not drink or do drugs, becuse its bound to have a crashing end.But i cant help it. I got into all of that stuff. Im hooked. 6

No father, addictions, a boyfriend that breaks my heart...7

Love is supposed to be beautiful. And mine is. When ofcourse my man isnt ditching me to persue his own addictions, or chasing some other girl behind my back. i only caught him doing this once, but whose to say he isnt off doing it again because he isnt here?8

I try again and again to just let him go, but everytime i do he begs me back. I love him so much, how could i resist?9

He was the start to my teenage life.10

Drugs. sex. It started wih him. He is older than me by four years. He can get in trouble because me, and i know he will eventualy. 11

Im too weak to let him go for good. I dont want to go without his brown eyes and soft voice. But is there really much difference?12

The only thing i have of him right now is the fact that i know he is my boyfriend. He isnt here. His promises are empty, and he breaks them as much as he makes them. 13

So i go through my life beleiving that im unimportant and unable to be loved. I have a craving not only to be loved and protected, but to be drunk and stoned. I want to escape reality. 14

And i cant. Im trapped, and the only door that i can find that isnt locked, is the door out of life itself. Its a selfih door that looks so vain. Gold plated hinges and a plaque that reads "suicide" in attractive lettering. And me being so lonely and foolish, touches the door handle effectionately.15

Knives and razor blades, nooses and needles, and pills. So many ways to open the door. Which one will i use. Ive turned the door handle with blades...But i have never opened the door and stepped through its truthfull door.16

Perhapse it is the ounce of truth i will ever get in life. Nothng is ever certain except that we will die some day. Its just sad that the chapter of life will end with so many questions. like a book half read and closed. 17

Im babbling now. I'll stop. But i really think i need some help, and rather than turning to a shrink [i cant stand them] im going to ask my friends. 18

help.