Nequam. It is said that one hundred years ago, we were saved by 9 great and powerful mages. Back then, there were two main groups who learned the art of Magik. Those who used it to solve the answers of the world and discover ways to better humanity, the Mages, and those who used it for nothing but malevolent purposes, the Forboding. Due to the Forboding, our planet imploded in on its self.1
Before that evil deed was done, however, the Mages I spoke of earlier decided that this would not be the end of our civilization. They built large, powerful machines five miles below the surface of the ground and in a radius of ten miles. In this plot of land above the machines, they built buildings and farms, planted fruits and vegetables and flowers and trees, and fenced in thousands of animals.2
However, not everybody could be saved. They created a spell to test the purity and honesty of the hearts of those they decided would benefit the future city, making sure none would even even attempt to overthrow the powerful Mages. They allowed about ten thousand people to live there; those with quick minds, strong bodies, and powerful Magik abilities; only those who would keep the city from crumbling socially and politically.3
About two days before the planet was set to collapse in on its self, the Mages went back below the surface to start up the machines. The entire city broke away from the ground below, sending it upwards into the sky at a steady rate. The civilians cheered, knowing that they would live in peace for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years. The city was named Bellus, meaning Beautiful in the language of Magik. 4
For about 65 years, the residents of Bellus lived happily and peacefully...that was, until a group of new Mages and Fighters arose in a rebellion to take over the land. Merely six months after the beginning of the rebellion, the once lovely city became a dictatorship. Though the name never changed officially, everyone began calling the new world Nequam, the Magik word for "Good for Nothing".5
That's where my underground organization comes in. Other than myself (I'll explain that later), we are all Street Walkers, or "Streeters" for short. It is the lowest class in the social hierarchy that came into being after King Stephenson- the dictator- gained power. The highest class you can be in is Royal, followed by Aid to the Throne (Aid for short), which consists of the police force and underground army. Afterwards, there's the Working class: priests, doctors, teachers, and just about anyone who's job doesn't depend entirely on physical labor. Below that there is Under-Working class, which includes farmers, factory workers, janitors, anyone who must use labor to get a job done. The lowest of the low, of course, are the Streeters that I talked about earlier. They are the thieves and the homeless, the people the majority of Nequam believe are the scum of the land; of course, I'd beg to differ. 6
Now, I guess I must explain myself before I go on. My birth name is Elizabeth Williams. I am the princess of Nequam, but before you try to judge me, please allow me to explain myself. I dislike the situation I'm in with a burning passion. I hate my father even more so, though my acting skills have improved much over the years; he hasn't the slightest idea, which is something I have to be thankful for. If he learns of my plans to overthrow the crown, he will surely kill me by throwing me into the Vorago; he isn't, nor has he ever been a kind person. 7
I'm sure by now, you're curious as to what this Organization is. We are a group of people- Normal, Fighters, and Mages alike- whom all oppose the King and what he's done to this once beautiful land. Our goal? To overthrow my father and give the power back to the people; to return this vast city to the way it was in the early years, before he destroyed the innocence of this land.
Author notes
Do you think I should continue writing this?
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Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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The first thing I need to say is that the opening paragraph confused me is that dialogue? The second is I think this looks like it could be a very interesting story. I would have to see more but hey you got my attention. I would suggest you make this into a scene that you can show us readers what went on. I will almost always advise against using exposition in a prologue. I hope to see more soon.
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Oh, my mistake. I didn't understand your comment completely, then. n.n;
But thank you for the time you spent reading the Prologue...and then the time it took to keep commenting back. xD -
Well, the point of this is to establish the fact that this will be a first person dialoge. It's not a spoken thing its self, but it's not a thought, either. It's more like...an explaination of things.
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Yes that is what expostion means the sort of narrating or explaining things between scenes. I personally advice doing that in a prologue, but I am by no means an expert. I still look forward to seeing more of the story.
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definitely! do it! do it! DO IT! As a matter of fact if you don't finish i will hunt you down, and with a systematic form of negative reinforcement force you to finish...no not really. But I did enjoy this pice. By all means finish! I'm looking forward to this! It will be difficult, I wager. You've introduced a myriad of variables that most readers will seek to be answered. But I've got faith in you. Granted it might take awhile to finish, the journey through will be most exhilarating
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Promising
You have a lot of elements to work with, class warfare, Electra complex, good vs evil so you can take this in a lot of different directions. You have a vivid imagination and write well even though some parts need polishing, but I understand this is just a test balloon. Don't let others tell you what to do. Sometimes a story has to come out, others don't. You decide.
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Thank you very much, Seamusl! I've been thinking about starting this one for a while, actually. I reread it as well, and I do agree that it needs some work. This was just a rough draft though, of course, so I'll try to keep working on it the best I can! Thank you again!
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Hey sympathetic,
It sounds like a pretty good premise to work from. This piece need some editing though. A couple of your paragraphs are pretty long and cover a variety of things. A good rule of thumb is-new subject new paragraph. I think you should continue with this story. I'd like to see where you go with it
Steve
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I'll edit the paragraphing the best I can, and thank you very much for your imput! Thank you for the compliment as well; I just needed to know if it would spark the interests of readers, since I've never even attempted writing in this genre before.
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Yes, totally. This is a very full and descriptive start, and clarifies things greatly before the story even starts. Nice job indeed in leaving nothing out, but still condensing it so its easy to read.
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awsome!!!
i love they way you spell magik. in my storys i spell it magick. this could totaly be a book!!!
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