He had the market on glum cornered. Even though he was with a group, he seemed alone in the bar. He was not being abstemious, but he was definitely nursing his beer. He ran the company lab and I was in sales, so I went over to talk with him.1
“Hey Scott, how’s it going?” I asked.2
“Uhh, hello Jim, got some stuff on my mind,” he replied.3
“Trouble at work? 4
“Naw.”5
“Well, that’s a good thing, right?6
“No, not really. I mean I still got a problem.”7
“Well, you’re not sick, I mean no one in your family is sick, are they? Mom and Pop,brothers and sisters all okay, right. No money problems?”8
“Yeah, everyone’s fine, no money problems,” Scott confirmed.9
“So that’s a good thing, right?”10
“Yeah, I guess” he said with the glee of a man going to a tax audit.11
Hmmm, glum, distracted, not work related, not a family issue or a money problem, it’s got to be a female induced malady.12
“So, you got a new girl friend?”13
“Yeah.”14
“Well, that’s gotta be pretty great.” I figured this line of questioning would pump him up.15
“No, that’s the problem,” he admitted.16
“How is that…what’s wrong with having a girlfriend?” 17
“She used to be someone else’s girlfriend and that’s the problem.” 18
“Well, has she broken up with this other guy? Is she giving you the old ‘I’m just getting out of a relationship and I don’t feel comfortable getting involved romantically just yet’ routine. I’m not trying to be facetious, I just don’t understand.” 19
“Oh no, she wants to go away this weekend to one of those ‘love grottoes’ up in the Poconos, but he’s still the problem,” He was getting more depressed.20
“Well, if she’s broken up with the guy and she’s dating you, and wants to get away for a weekend of passion, how is he still a problem?” 21
“You remember I told you I played college football? He was a teammate. I’ve seen him in the showers.” Recalling the showers, he now looked like someone had just smacked him in the forehead with a two by four.22
Yikes, the dreaded male adequacy monster raised its ugly head (pun not intended) once again.23
“Scott, it’s not the size….”24
“Jim, don’t even bother going there.” Scott just put his head down on the bar and I couldn’t tell for a moment if he was laughing or crying. 25
“Scott, you’re six foot two inches tall and go two hundred ten pounds and…and…and you wear a size thirteen shoe...and you got ..uhh...big hands…and long fingers!” I proclaimed in a spectacular crash and burn.26
“You just don’t get it, ‘cause you haven’t seen it. You and I, we’re mortal men. This guy has a body men fear….and women fear. We’re talking epic proportion, legendary.” His voice trailed off and he lay his head back down on the bar again.27
“Scott, c’mon, it can’t be that amazing.”28
“Give me a word for something twice the size of appendage,” he asked.29
“I’m stumped,” I admitted.30
“So was he. When word started getting around campus about the eighth wonder of the world, he had trouble getting dates. To get girls to go out with him, when they’d ask him how big it was, he’d swear it was only four inches. He didn’t lie, it was only four inches....wide.”31
“Oh,” now I was getting depressed.32
Scott raised his head. “Cheerleaders claimed they used to get nosebleeds trying to get to the top of it. They didn’t call it making love. They called it flagpole sitting.”33
“Oh,” now I was getting really depressed.34
“You and I, probably every guy in this bar could use a ruler, this guy used a yardstick…”35
“Ok, Ok, Ok, I got the idea, Scott,” I said laying my head down on the bar.36
“Well, drastic times call for drastic measures,” I said rallying slightly. “You’ll have to tell her the truth.”37
“Anything but that, there’s got to be another way. For the love of God, man, please tell me I don’t have to tell her the truth,” Scott begged in a pathetic whine. 38
I wanted to grab the front of his shirt and give him a good bitch slap, but he …uhh…was six feet two and two hundred and ten and I don’t carry enough medical insurance as it is.39
“I know it’s desperate, and there’s probably not a chance in this world she doesn’t end up passing out from lack of oxygen caused by hysterical laughter, but it’s the only hope you have. Yes, Scott, you’ll have to tell her the truth for all of us who don’t measure up.” 40
A week later, I was back in the area. I passed by the lab and Scott was in it laughing and whistling like he was on vacation rather than at work.41
“So, Scott how are things going?”42
“Jimbo! Buddy! Everything is going great! I gotta’ thank you!” he gushed effusively.43
“For what?” I asked.44
“Just the best free advice I’ve ever gotten,” he said happily.45
“You mean..”46
“Yeah, the honesty thing.” 47
“So it actually worked?” I asked still slightly disbelieving that miracles still happen.48
“Does a Democratic congressman lie! Of course it worked, worked like a charm,” he beamed.49
“So tell me!” I begin to catch his enthusiasm.50
“Well, I explained I was afraid I could never measure up to her expectations, because of her previous Close Encounters of the Third Leg. She was a little embarrassed that I assumed she was ‘that kind of girl.’ And I thought I had offended her and was prepared for the worst. But she patiently explained to me that sometimes too much is simply too much, not better.”51
Scott continued “I was confused and she asked ‘Have you ever tried to pick your nose with your thumb? I admitted I had not and she said ‘Try it.’ I’m not a real kinky guy, but I tried. You know you can’t get the right angle, and it doesn’t fit and it hurts if you try to push it in too far and I told her so. And she graced me with a dazzling smile and said, “Bingo!”52
“So I take it the weekend went well?” I asked not wanting too many details.53
“ Ohhhh yeahhhh. She tells me I’m a big man in a small way,” he said with a perfectly contented smile.54
Author notes
A bit out of my comfort zone. But as the contest is the brain child of the estimable DaftWeeJimmy I felt it demanded I try to answer the challenge. So I broke all my roolz.
A contest entry
- Why does nobody love me? by daftweejimmy.
800 points, ended November 9, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Absurd writing by F66142589.
450 points, ends December 5, 43 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - SPOOFS by I Write naked.
350 points, ends November 30, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Too risque?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I thought this was great and very funny. I love the the picture you included with it too. I just tried to pick my nose with my thumb by the way.
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Quality...not Quantity
You know, odd, somehow as I began reading this, a little ways in I heard the voice of DAFTWEEJIMMY in my head (no pun here...) and now that I see your Author's Note...my suspicions are quite confirmed. You DO have an excellent ear...and this DOES have the thumbprint of DAFTWEE(no pun there either! lol!) inbetween the deft lines.
Starting with "the glee of a man going to a tax audit" I knew I was in for some SEAMUSL wit...and, indeed it did not disappoint. Some really funny laugh-out-loud lines ("cheerleaders getting nosebleeds"..."flagpole sitting...")But with all those daunting parallells and admonishing measures, I couldn't quite understand "Glum's" problem. For while an acceptable size is perhaps desireable (to an extent...from a woman's POV) I can certainly understand and had it "confirmed" through folklore and grapevines that TOO MUCH (of a good thing) is TOO MUCH! So I quite anticipated the ending...although I must admit the thumb-in-the-nose metaphor at the "climax" (sorry)...was another laugher. (Furthermore, as an old (olde) Lothario myself, I must confess that there ARE other ways to a woman's heart (read: and elsewhere) than ...ah...er...you know. Such as...hypnosis? Anyway, average men have survived pretty well...so I really didn't commisserate with, nor comprehend, Glum's despair. But...hey...who's measuring! The story was fun. (Stay away from Daftweejimmy!)
Lol!
GA
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Great story and so funny, and it really makes sense. Great luck in the contest. Thanks for a great laugh.
Trish
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Largesse
Kinda worried that I might offend folks sensibilities. Glad to hear you weren't turned into a pillar of salt by reading it and better yet that you were able to enjoy it. Thanks for the read and kind remarks.
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Hey seamus,
Got a smile, a chuckle, and even a giggle from this. I don't think any of the folks at OTHG will be too scandalized. Some of the ladies might really enjoy it. I'd put it up.
Steve
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Very good he said , tearing his hair out in clups
Hi Seamusl----This is a very amusing and entertaining story. It’s well thought out and moves along, in an easy and relaxed manner. The topic is embracing to most, but something, that at some point in most men’s lives arises. Please forgive the pun.
I must admit I was tortured by this concept, because at nineteen I was charged with indecent exposure, of course I was later found innocent, due to lack of evidence. I didn’t know whether to go out and celebrate, or go home and cry.
I could find very little wrong with this piece, but let me take just a couple of lines to show you what I think is most distracting about this piece.
Par.2, 3, 4 and 7
Par. 2---“Hey Scott, how’s it going?” I asked. Now I know this is a question and just in case I didn’t there is a question mark at the end. Even I was told you were going to talk with him, it seems I must be told that you asked him. Now I think you have rated my intelagense some where between a slice of bread and a dill pickle.
Par.3---“Uhh, hello Jim, got some stuff on my mind,” he replied. I fully expected Scott reply, but you find it necessary to tell me just in case I mist it. Now my rating has slipped to some where on, or about ear wax.
Par.4 --- “Trouble at work? I queried. This is a two person conversation; I had no problem discerning who was speaking, or for that matter that it was a query. Now I feel as if I have sunk to the rank of the lowly, will not. Explanation is available if needed.
Par.7 --- “No, not really. I mean I still got a problem,” he answered. Okay I haven’t had any problem following this two person conversation, so why must I be told he answered. I think I have finally reached the educational level of the lowly toad stool.
Just my colorful way of saying drop the dialog tags, there driving me nuts.
Talk to you soon---ablelaz.
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Largesse
First your reflections are hilarious and if I was a plagiarist would surely incorporate them into this or some other story which means you'll have to keep reading my drivel to ensure I don't rip you off.
Let me say I appreciate your comments re: dialog tags. Seems like you give me absolution and someone else bitch slaps me. You're right, I guess I was trying to make it idiot proof and that isn't necessary. I'll clean up my act. Thanks again.
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If you thought it was out of your comfort zone writing this, it was certainly out of my comfort zone reading it, but I'm still dying laughing. This is hilariously written, especially the line you had somewhere around paragraph 51 about "Close Encounters of the Third Leg."
Ahem. No comment on rather or not this was too risque, but thanks for the laugh, anyway.
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Largesse
Can you say faux pas? I apologize if I offended your sensibilities. But I tried to keep it toned down, not too graphic and still retain a modicum of humor. Thanks for reading and kind remarks.
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